Piperdream

I have posted a couple of times. I am back because I’d feel lost and in need of feedback. I thought after NC with AH and him not calling or reaching out to me after I set some boundaries, was the true end of the relationship. I filed for divorce a month or so ago but still trying to work things out; perhaps I already know it’s hopeless but I still am hnable to “cut” the cord. I don’t think it’s salvageable but I STILL have trouble ending things. I am finding myself in an unending cycle.

Out do the blue, AH texted me a few days ago that he was coming home. He’d been away for work. I told him fine since I know it’s had been difficult at work and he had been stressed. The day after he returned, we talked, cried, but nothing got resolved. He still drinks every night and I’m still unhappy. We still have major communication problems. I still feel insecure and worried about another looming argument because we have communication problems. I am reading Codependent No More and beginning to understand that I am, as the codependent, as sick as he is. I am “addicted” to him and keep trying to fix something that is well beyond my control. I tend to engage is this pull and push as much as he does.

I had made plans to go home to see my family before he contacted me and came back home. He asked me not go to to “work things out. In the past, I would have stayed. I’d resent him but I’d stay because I wanted him to be happy. I’m thinking of just going on the trip as planned.

I am also thinking, but really struggling with the thought that maybe I should send him an email. Mostly because I am bad at arguments and lose my words. He’s never been abusive or aggressive and I’m not worried about that. I’m worried about having another uncomfortable conversation which will inevitably end up in an argument. I want to let him know that I will stay with my family for a while (my boss knows there is a “family issue” and understands that I may need to work remotely for a couple of weeks). And that I need the separation to work on myself and that trying to focus on the relationship is really confusing me (because nothing ends up changing) and taking me away from focusing on myself.

I know it’s the cowardly way out and that I should tell him face to face but I have tried. For some strange reason, we always end up “together” without anything really happening. It’s not fair to him. And it’s really messing with my emotional well being. It’s like I’m in a never ending loop.

trailmix

I understand your feeling that way about emailing, I think I would too. I think you have a couple of options and whatever you choose to do is something you should be comfortable with.

Bottom line is you planned this trip before he decided to reappear. You planned a trip, you didn't set out to hurt anyone, you didn't burn down the house or kick someone's trash bin over, you planned a trip to see your family!

You could just say, to his face, I am taking the trip to see my family. That doesn't need discussion. I can see that you want to clear your head and don't feel it's fair to leave him hanging, so you could add, I need to think and clear my head, if you want to. Then don't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. What is there to jade about really, again, you are taking a trip to see your family. But! Historically this will lead to an argument from his side, that is your concern and it is a really valid concern, you are not cowardly.

You mention he has never been aggressive or abusive but he blew up and was aggressive just a few weeks ago?

Personally I think taking some time away (and the sooner the better) would be a tremendous move. How can you possibly sort this out while you are in the middle of it?

The second option, of course, is to send the email instead. If that is all you can handle right now then it's all you can handle, you can only do what you can do.

Where you are right now is a really hard place to be. I think that without some distance, without taking a break you are going to have a hard time seeing how dysfunctional this all is and how bad it is for you.

dandylion

Piper...considering the total context of the situation.....I think that an email is a perfectly reasonable action...….
He has an advantage over you, anyway, because you are so intimidated by him....and, I strongly suspect that he knows that, and uses it to his advantage....not a level playing field...

LifeChangeNYC

Codependy76

It's so much easier to see things in other people's relationships than your own. I read your post and was right there so many times. But when I read it and it was someone else, it was clear to see how disfunctional it is. My now ,for 3 days, ex A bf and I would fight and break up, and then make up with all kinds of promises or plans, but either nothing ever really happened, or he'd promise to respect how I felt on something until the situation would come again, and he'd do whatever he wanted anyway, and if I voiced my disapproval, a fight would ensue, and he'd usually leave until I came to him with concessions or a new plan.

Basically, he always got his way or we'd fight and he'd leave, so it was ALWAYS over my head that I'd better act or play by his rules, or he'd leave. I walked on egg shells. I was sitting here today thinking if I really wanted to try and get him back this time. I'm extremely addicted to all of this and him. But I KNOW that he'll come back and drink, and I'll find him passed out in the swing in the backyard or in the house, I'll always be wondering what is the next thing I'll say or do or not do that will trigger a fight. I tend to think he subconsciously keeps things that way to get to do what he wants. It's only when he does leave that I feel like I can relax, until the panic from MY addiction kicks in.
In other words, I live in a constant state of chaos. Reading your post helped me realize this. I personally think you should go be with your family and more importantly yourself.
​​​​​​

Codependy76

...

hopeful4

I hope you take the trip so you can get the support you need.

Piperdream

Thanks everyone! I sincerely appreciate your thoughts on this. Also, my apologies for the numerous typos and errors. Using a phone to type long paragraphs is never a good idea!

Just at update- we had an issue with my car, which we share, yesterday and been trying to deal with it before I leave town.

But he texted me this morning (I’m at work, he is off and at home) telling me that we should go somewhere on vacation. And made a point that he’d be “paying for everything.” For a second I thought that’s pretty insensitive of him to ask if I just want to hop on a plane and go somewhere when he knows that I have a regular job and that I also had plans to go see my family (I’d be able to work remotely from my parent’s place but not where he wants to go). I texted him back saying that I can’t take time off and there’s too much going on. He should go (since he’s always complaining about working too much and not being able to relax). He asked then, if we wil ever go on another trip together. Of note, we have been on many many trips together. In the first 2-3 years of our relationship, we travelled overseas at least 1-2 times a year, paid solely by me. It’s really my fault because I always had trouble saying no, especially to him. Again, I’m “addicted” to him.

So here we are, with my gut churning from stress when I texted him no, not at the moment. I can’t say that we are going anywhere together, plus I am going home tomorrow to see my family. He texted back, ok. Nothing else.

So, we will probably not talk for a while again. Give each other the silent treatment because one said what the other didn’t want to hear. The last time, it lasted two weeks.

as I type this, I can see how crazy I sound. But for the what reason am I still stressing over how upset “I am making him.” It’s amazing how twisted my my is. I’m really trying to change and I just want peace and serenity in my life.

atalose

I think taking the trip would be taking one big positive giant step forward for yourself. I agree, he intimidates you so emailing in this situation is your best option right now.

trailmix

Good, that's done - you are off on your trip.

The thing is, the reason you are stressing is because that is a generally, a normal reaction.

My Husband who I care about wants to take me on a trip (ok and pay for it and that is really weird, the financial separation in this relationship is very odd).

You feel bad about letting him down. Now that alone seems like a completely reasonable response.

Add in the rest and it's not.

My Husband who has refused to contribute financially for our entire marriage (ie: you are supporting him) who keeps his life to himself, who disappears without warning or any kind of contact, who is an alcoholic and treats me badly, has decided to side-track my visit to my family.

Honestly? I don't think he wants any vacation, he just wants to ensure you don't escape, if you go to see your family and get 5 MINUTES to not focus on him and his situation and his feelings and his life, you might never want to return (and who would blame you).

He knows this, he knows you could bolt at anytime and here you are showing independence.

They say that addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages. While that may not always be true, this sure looks like it. I wouldn't take him at face value.

I was trying to be reasonable in my first reply, but honestly, if it were me, I would be running for the car and racing to the airport (I don't like to fly so I would just be running for the car, but you get the idea).

Betty1980s

Codependy76

You know him. Do you trust his motives or is it manipulation? Be honest with yourself about the truth of right now and how you feel. Then do what you feel you need to do for you. And whatever you choose, you don't have to look at it as an end all be all, unless that is what you choose for yourself right now. Take a step back, breath, try the best you can to center in the craziness, and then go from there.

Sleepyhollo

Go and tell him there is nothing to work on until he seeks treatment and gets sober. And even then it may be too late, you cannot work on things with someone that is actively drinking. And quitting a couple of weeks doesn’t qualify as sober or in recovery (I know he is still drinking I’m just saying this because my ex would be able to quit for a while but he wasn’t actually in recovery.
Don’t fêlé one ounce of guilt about going. This was planned. Him trying to get you to stay to work on things is manipulation at its best. And you know you won’t work on things because he will just drink whether you are there or not,

trailmix

Hi Betty. I disagree, it's not your secret to keep. It's not like he asked you not to tell them he lost $100.00 in the hockey pool, he asked you not to share what is a huge part of your life, your Husbands struggle with alcoholism and how that affects you.

While you may not need to disclose what he does - that's up to you, why you wouldn't be able to tell your parents and seek their support, I have no idea. You need as much support as you can get, just as much as he does.

Anyway, just my opinion, hang in there and welcome.

Betty1980s

Michsm

@piperdream, you only live once and nothing will change if nothing changes. You have to be strong or will be caught in this cycle and never live your life to how you want to live it. I know it is easier said than done but you can do it and going no contact is the best way. I loved and cared for my XAH and took me a while to leave (years) but I couldn’t continue to live like that. I am actually embarrassed I did. I am on the other side and it is wonderful. It was hard getting here but I stuck with it and if I can do it...anyone can. You say you don’t want to let him down, does he let you down? Please think of what is best for you first and foremost.

FallenAngelina

It's so good that you're working on understanding your part in relationships, but do it for your own betterment, not "for him." This is really the bottom line:

AnvilheadII

I had made plans to go home to see my family before he contacted me and came back home. He asked me not go to to “work things out.

if he suddenly had to have open heart surgery, like the day you had already planned to leave, that might qualify as a sound reason to delay your trip. however......wanting to "work things out" while not doing one THING to actually cause that to happen, like, oh let's see, NOT drinking....indicates his truer motive.

he wants to keep you on a short leash. not going to get any type of support or just time away with people who are not him. remember YOU have filed for divorce. but are a few steps from actually separating...that gives him an IN.

IMHO you need some time away. get some space, some mind clearing. be yourself outside of the marital home. and let's also remember, you are a full grown adult woman and NO ONE gets to tell you when you can go see your family, the world's largest ball of twine, or denny's for dinner. he is not the boss of you. he is also a full grown adult and perfectly capable of managing on his own.

in fact, he does just that. he does HIS thing and expects you to bend around him. act like weather stripping to his leaky windows.

Sleepyhollo

I am 2.5 years out from my ex becoming sober, we have been divorced for 6 months now and I still worry about this from time to time. It is a hard thing to get past but you can do it. It takes time though. I also had weekly counseling until the divorce and I really needed that and a good part of that was putting up boundaries and not feeling bad about it. If you aren’t doing counseling for you I do highly recommend it. Whether you stay or go in this relationship you do need to change and get away from the codependency. If you split, you still want to get past that to avoid falling into a similar relationship. I have done it twice now (first one wasn’t an alcoholic but very controlling and addicted to exercise and control) and I don’t want to go back there.

As for the trip, I remember my ex right before I confronted him could tell things were not right. I had just come back from a month in Europe, 2 of which were without him (just me and my kid). The last few days he as with us he was drunk pretty much the whole time. So I knew it had to come to a head. He was trying to do a trio for my birthday and another getaway as well and I told him no thanks. He is trying to hold on for dear life, knowing you are pulling away. One analogy a friend of mi e used was that he is out in the ocean and he is drowning. He is frantically trying to stay above water and you see him and you of course want to help. So you throw him a life line, except for now he has the life line with you attached to it and he is still struggling and now he is taking you down with him. Stand your ground. Do what feel right for you. Stick to your boundaries. It drowns sounds like he is going to change so you need to to get out of this downward spiral. You can’t help him, only he can.

Sleepyhollo

I was with my XrAH for 16 years. No one but two people knew about his drinking. One was a friend that I have known since college and the other was a good friend whom I had known for only a couple of years. Both lived out of town and rarely saw him.

My friends here, no one knew. I covered for him. We are pretty much all in the same circle and same professional field. He was always stressed and tired from work etc. I felt ashamed to tell anyone about it because he is a well respected professional and lots of people know him.

It was a HUGE weight in my shoulders. I could talk to no one and it just kept building up inside me until I was ready to blow. Had I been able to share with some of my closest friends here it might have helped me at least to share my burden and get support.

I guess you don’t need to put it on Facebook to share with the world but this is affecting your life a lot so you should be able to share with close friends. I know in AA they are big about this being the A’s story to tell and though there is some truth to that I don’t fully agree. His addition had a huge impact on MY life and well being to it is my story to tell as well. I sort of feel like they are still trying to protect the addict without acknowledging the impact on close family and friends.

My ex tried to pull this on me the year after he got sober and I wanted to go aback to Europe to see my family alone with my kid. He felt that it was his story to tell and I told him to go suck eggs. It was my family and my story as I had lived through it. Plus with the language barrier and the lack of a true relationship (they liked him but seeing each other one a year for 3-4 days is not conducive to a close relationship)., it wasn’t like there was going to be some deep long discussions

So i say, ignore your therapist, this is not just about him and certainly not about continuing to protect him at your expense. Talk to close family and friends, unload that backpack of all the burden. It will be much better for your sanity. Believe me, if I could do it all over again and had sought support long before he finally went to rehab it might not have changed the outcome of the relationship but I would have suffered less (which in turn may have helped us survive). I had so much resentment built up when I gave him the ultimatum that it was impossible to come back from for me. I don’t hate him and he isn’t a bad person but he ruined the relationship over th years.