Custody, Active Drinking

Old 05-05-2019, 10:30 AM
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Custody, Active Drinking

Hi All. I was hoping to get the perspective of those of you who coparent with alcoholic.

My XAH currently has our four-year-old two nights a week. As far as I knew, he wasn’t drinking since his near death experience and getting out of rehab. We don’t have sober link in the settlement agreement, I was just trying to get the agreement done since I got him to agree to letting me have most of her time.

I found out this morning through a third-party and that he has been drinking. His girlfriend the last few months didn’t even know he was allegedly in recovery so this is not just a slip.

Has anyone had success pushing back with a drinking alcoholic on how much custody they should have? He told me today he thought he should have her three nights a week and I didn’t really say anything, because I didn’t have a basis to refuse the visit today. The expectation is to say no and that he needs to take me to court if he wants more than he agreed to. I would like to go back to court for a temporary custody order where she can’t spend the night with him, but I am afraid of opening up the possibility that if he gets back on the wagon he could then ask for 50-50, which I have so far been able to resist. If the court gets involved, i’m really worried that that the end of whatever crisis. They would set it at 5050 which is the default in my state.

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Old 05-05-2019, 10:58 AM
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it's hard to push back without proof. 3rd party hearsay ain't gonna cut it. what you could do is to say that if he wants more time, HE goes to court AND he agrees to soberlink. if he IS sober, than proving it should not be a problem at all.
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Old 05-06-2019, 06:38 AM
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You need to speak to an attorney who is familiar with how your judge would treat alcoholism should you go back to court. Family court is 100% up to the judge, and they have very wide discretion.
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Old 05-06-2019, 08:21 AM
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I was/am very disappointed with the judge in my case. His ruling at my first temporary hearing a little while back shows that he is clueless about alcoholism and addiction - my STBXAH's testimony had giant red flags ALL over the place that were all but ignored. Tread carefully. I'm in a 50/50 state too, and I'm not happy about this.
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Old 05-06-2019, 04:13 PM
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Is there a domestic violence shelter in your area that might be able to give you a sense of which way things are likely to fall if you go back to court? (I'm not suggesting this because you're a victim of domestic violence but because shelter workers often have clients who are going through custody fights in court). I'd be careful with attorneys, because the not-quite-ethical ones have a tendency to tell you what they think you want to hear (for sure we can do this, you'll get what you're asking for, etc).
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Old 05-06-2019, 04:15 PM
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One idea might be to present SoberLink as a sort of mutual peace-of-mind arrangement - if he's using SoberLink you know he's not drinking, and he knows you know he's not drinking, eliminating arguments about whether or not he's drinking. This is much more neutral and objective than having to rely on your own observations or third-hand reports from other people.

(He may not [probably won't] go for it, but if you make the offer in writing, that means that if you do go to court you can show that you offered a reasonable plan to ensure security of the kids and he refused).
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Old 05-06-2019, 07:01 PM
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No advice really but it is a huge reason why I didn’t want to leave him when he was drinking,. We are a 50/50 state as well and I feared that he would get shared custody and she would not be safe.
My lawyer told me that he knew of a recent case where the guy had been “sober” for 2 weeks, which as we all know means nothing. And he got 50/50. Your kiddo isn’t even old enough to realize probably if he is acting funny because he is drunk.
I don’t think it is unreasonable to suggest sober link. If his GF told you that she didn’t even know he was suppose to be in recovery I think you have legit reasons. And honestly, if he is sober like he says he is then he shouldn’t worry about failing sober link. Maybe split the cost unless he blows positive. Do you have a lawyer? I would talk to a lawyer and see what they say. You have concerns, this is the safety of your child you are talking about. It seems reasonable to me that you would request soberlink. If he truly stays sober then most judges will not give him less than 50/50. I know here they don’t care that I did 98% of the childrearing before and they don’t care if my kid would need to be in before and after care for several hours when she is with her dad. He can take you back to court to fight for 50/50 and it is his right. But you have legit concerns and it would seem reasonable that he has to prove himself. But only a lawyer who knows the local judges can counsel you on the in’s and outs of that.
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Old 05-07-2019, 06:40 AM
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Our state went to 50/50 a few years ago, after I divorced. It really is worth it to talk to an attorney and find out if you could get a change of judge. I did that but I did it before the papers were signed. Reason...my assigned judge was the town drunk! That being said, my state lets you basically change the judge one time with no reason having to be given. Luckily, my attorney knew this and was on top of it.

It's worth it to have a attorney who is well versed in addiction, and hopefully they can hook you up with a judge who is as well.

Just my two cents. Family court is definitely not the same from one place to another.
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