I know it’s my fault, but it still hurts
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 44
I know it’s my fault, but it still hurts
I have been married for 17 years. And we always argue when we drink. I have been hurt several times before, but I always thought it was my fault, because if I was sober I would probably avoid the confrontation. Couple of nights ago, we were arguing again, and my husband threw a remote at me. It hit me on the nose and I bleed heavily. All the beading was covered in blood. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I thought, kids need both parents ( they are 14 and 15) and it would impact them badly if I left. But today, my heart broke. I was arguing with my husband again and told him how hurt I was, he called the kids and turned everything against me. I felt so hurt. I thought I was still with my husband because of kids, but they were there with my husband, having dinner with me whipping away in the corner. I feel like I lost my purpose. I know it’s my fault because of alcohol, but I thought some things were set in stone, like my kids loving me. I don’t think I have any reason to live anymore
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 47
Mako, I'm so sorry you are suffering. You DO have a reason to live -- recovery and rebuilding. Your children may be angry or hurt, your relationship with them may be damaged, but you can rebuild your relationship with them and find forgiveness -- forgiving yourself and them forgiving you.
It may be that you need to be apart from the intense conflict with your husband to recover. Only you and a therapist can make that decision.
Wishing you peace.
It may be that you need to be apart from the intense conflict with your husband to recover. Only you and a therapist can make that decision.
Wishing you peace.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,197
mako i'm sorry you are going through such a terrible time. You have every reason to live as your current situation will not be permanent and your children are just that, still children and may not be seeing everything as it is.
Secondly, regardless of whether you have had a drink or not your husband's physical abuse is simply not acceptable and I really thing you should make that clear. Of course I realise these things are complicated and it is not as easy as 123 but I would strongly urge you to get help from either friend, family or an experienced 3rd party. I sounds as though there is mental abuse occurring along with the physical stuff.
Do you have anyone you can call and speak to? I am a bit concerned about your second post mako. Just to reiterate you are not worthless and have every reason to live.
Secondly, regardless of whether you have had a drink or not your husband's physical abuse is simply not acceptable and I really thing you should make that clear. Of course I realise these things are complicated and it is not as easy as 123 but I would strongly urge you to get help from either friend, family or an experienced 3rd party. I sounds as though there is mental abuse occurring along with the physical stuff.
Do you have anyone you can call and speak to? I am a bit concerned about your second post mako. Just to reiterate you are not worthless and have every reason to live.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Mako, I'm sorry that things are so bad right now. Please make use of our information and take care of yourself. Call 911 if you are afraid of harming yourself or go to an ER:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html
Also, please read our information on Domestic Violence and here is lots of information for you to seek support:
Domestic Abuse Defined
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Abuse information and support for every woman and every girl on Earth
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
http://www.thehotline.org/
Canada
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Australia:
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
800-655-Hope
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html
Also, please read our information on Domestic Violence and here is lots of information for you to seek support:
Domestic Abuse Defined
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Abuse information and support for every woman and every girl on Earth
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
http://www.thehotline.org/
Canada
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Australia:
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
800-655-Hope
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Mako, please take Anna's advice and call 911 if you are thinking of harming yourself.
No matter what, there is hope. While it might seem very dark today, that doesn't mean it will always be that way, doesn't have to be that way.
Call for help, go to an AA meeting, call a family member or friend that you trust, lean on people for support.
You have more courage than you know, you can turn this around.
No matter what, there is hope. While it might seem very dark today, that doesn't mean it will always be that way, doesn't have to be that way.
Call for help, go to an AA meeting, call a family member or friend that you trust, lean on people for support.
You have more courage than you know, you can turn this around.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 132
Hi Mako, I think as mothers we do take the blame and think it's our fault if our household isn't perfect. This is not your fault. I can assure you your children do love you. I have 3 of similar age to yours. I feel terrible for some of the situations they have been in or witnessed all alcohol related. I haven't had a drink in a few weeks now and although there is still tension between my husband and I I feel a sense of relief from my children. When I was drinking my children would scurry off to their bedrooms but now they don't. Regardless what we or anyone else tell our children they will eventually make up their own minds. You can only be responsible for yourself and your own actions. It's never too late to change. How are you feeling now?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
I had similar with my kids and I couldn’t blame them, they leaned more towards there dad because he was the stable parent, but now after 6 weeks of being back to me the kids come to me again, sure I’ve had the verbal from the eldest and husband, this morning hubby has brought me flowers and made breakfast in bed, kids come for cuddles etc, things turn around when they see there mum is back and trying, on the other hand throwing something at you is not acceptable under any circumstances and the reason his done that is because you’re vulnerable at the moment, get on day 1 pick yourself up off the floor and show them I am so rooting for you, you can do this and watch how things change
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
I just wanna put out there that you were abused in this situation, as were your kids. It’s NOT ok to involve children like this. When a child hears one parent criticize another, the child internalizes that as a criticism of themselves. If in the moment they participate in the collusion it’s a matter of survival. I’m not saying you’re perfect but I am saying what your husband did in this snippet you’ve shared is wrong.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New England
Posts: 1,224
Children love their parents unconditionally. As do we our children. There are times that they can be angry with us but nothing can break that bond. Get well and rebuild their trust.
I reiterate what others have said about abuse. There is no place for it. If tensions are that high between you and your husband then space is needed. Please take care.
I reiterate what others have said about abuse. There is no place for it. If tensions are that high between you and your husband then space is needed. Please take care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
Is your husband drinking? It sounds awful, you say you’re okay but probably not. Kids to turn on you, violent husband..... get a plan and get out. Those kids are old enough, and that husband can throw remotes by himself. I feel they are kicking you while you’re down. You don’t need that abuse. Even if you messed up badly, you are trying to get better. You need love and support right now. Can you go stay with family, non drinking preferably? You must take care of you right now. Oh and the husband bringing the kids into an argument like that was a low blow and sick on his part.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by bexxed 
I just wanna put out there that you were abused in this situation, as were your kids. It’s NOT ok to involve children like this. When a child hears one parent criticize another, the child internalizes that as a criticism of themselves. If in the moment they participate in the collusion it’s a matter of survival. I’m not saying you’re perfect but I am saying what your husband did in this snippet you’ve shared is wrong.
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