Codependy76

Yesterday my relationship with my ABF of 4 1/2 years ended. My other post has a bit more detail about that, but it was a rollercoaster of break up/make up, countless attempts to "fix" us, hurt, love, chaos, good times, bad times, etc. Yesterday was rough. I went into full out panic mode and shut down. I was ready to take him back at all costs. Thankfully, he wasn't willing.

What I'm looking at today is the realization that I'm addicted to the addict. I've done enough research on addiction during my attempts to understand and help him to know I too have to examine what distorted thoughts I have, who I'm hurting besides myself by my choices and actions, and that I'm in no position to offer advice to him in getting better when I have my own issues. All of this is helping me come out of the panic stage, the "I'll never have him in my life again, that won't work, how can I get him back!?" thought process .That is probably exactly what an alcoholic feels when told he/she can't drink. I think I finally "get" it. Now I have to fix me/the problem. Looking at him as my DOC rather than my lost love is helping a bit .

The thought of years of recovery, constant self reflection, group meetings, therapy and the pain of figuring out why I'm like this sounds awful, I won't lie. I imagine an addict feels the same, which is why so many don't do it. It seems easier, more comfortable and normal to just go about things. But the truth is I'm hurting myself and others. I've put my kids through this with me. Often, I am ashamed to admit, would put his wants in front of them to keep him happy. That is so wrong. I need to do better.
​​​​​​​I'm obviously very very green, and this may be obvious to everyone but me before now. I need help. I thank you for listening/reading and any encourgemenco you have, because I'm going to need support to get through this on the other side. Thank you

SparkleKitty

Fear of the unknown is totally understandable, but the idea that recovery is too difficult is just the addiction talking. The rewards of the journey and of coming out the other side are immeasurable. And your kids will thank you for it.

Needabreak

You have been "just going about things" for the past 14 breakups now and it hasn't landed you in a very good place.

A good rich life is full of self-reflection and figuring oneself out, sitting with one's emotions and making friends with oneself.

I've never been big on meetings, but since I started my own self-work, I have made friends who are very much into self-awareness and self-improvement. A few years ago, before I started my work, I surrounded myself with friends who spent their time complaining, and who projected the source of their unhappiness onto others. Because that is what I did. Like attracts like.

Things change when you start to change your energy and the way you view the world. It takes time, and there is a period between "old" and "new" where you may feel very much alone. But in the end -- at least for me -- all the work has been immensely rewarding.

Keep reading. You will find a lot of wisdom here.

FallenAngelina

There's a reason that you see "One Day at a Time" all over the place in recovery circles: It works. We never have to take on "years of recovery, constant self-reflection," etc., we only have to focus on today - and in early recovery, focusing on this minute is all that we can handle. We don't have to "fix problems," and indeed, we cannot "fix problems." We can only focus on something specific, right now, and if it doesn't feel healthy to us, we can choose a different way of looking at it - right now. Getting all balled up in the enormity of "years of recovery" is what keeps many from moving at all.

The slogans of recovery programs are not just nice concepts, they are new and healthy thoughts for us to grab onto instead of the old, tired and fearful thoughts that have become habitual for us. In the heat of each moment, you can reach for a new and healthier thought instead of the harmful one that no longer serves. Try to keep your focus on what is helpful right this minute, not on "fixing" any big problem. And again, community is key. The recovery path is not meant to be traveled all alone.

I'll say this for meetings and adhering to a program: it gives us something specific and guided to do with our thoughts when we are "sobering up" from the addiction to our alcoholic. Everything that helps us find a path to healthy relationships is legit in my view, but especially in the beginning, a program sure can help us in the many moments that our thoughts wander back to old patterns of wanting to help, worrying, fearing and fretting about the alcoholic. A program gives us a lot of new concepts to think about and people to meet. I sure did find that helpful when I was in my early days of my commitment to change.

In AA, they say that "I came for my dinking and I stayed for my thinking." We are similar to AA people in that we need to sober up when we leave a toxic relationship by finding healthier things to do with our minds. But that is just the beginning. Recovery is not just about staying away from destructive behavior patterns in relationships, it's about forging a whole new way of life for ourselves and staying on the path of heartfelt satisfaction.

NYCDoglvr

And the alternative is better? You take it one day at a time, that's all.

Amaranth

The thought of years of recovery, constant self reflection, group meetings, therapy and the pain of figuring out why I'm like this sounds awful,

In Al-anon or Coda meetings you will also find friendship and support. You will also hear the experience, strength and hope of others. These things are definately not awful.

Yes it's hard work but you can go at your own pace. The only pressure is that which you put on yourself. There is no need to rush.

PeacefulWater12

I am a recovering alkie and codie, I am mostly enjoying the recovery journey. Is more satisfying and interesting than how my life was before.

Far less exhausting than my former train wreck style living. It does have painful times but that is usually just before a breakthrough.

I want to discard and replace both my codie and alcoholic behaviours. It is well worth the effort. Or rather, I am well worth the effort.

Codependy76

Thank you for all of your comments and support. I know it is the right thing to do, and I will do it. Right now I'm still scared and emotions are all over the place from the breakup.