Addiction is my life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Prague
Posts: 16
Addiction is my life
Hi everyone,
I'm gonna write my story here purely for therapeutic purposes. I appreciate anyone that reads this and hell if this helps someone even better, but right now I'm writing to let off some steam so to say.
Well I'm attempting to stop taking opiate/opioid drugs for like the 200th the time, I washed the codeine out of some cocodomal yesterday so I'm not gonna lie and say I'm clean right now, but I haven't used heroin or suboxone for a few weeks so I feel like I'm making some progress.
They say that you quit your addiction when you hit your rock bottom, and in a way I have. Purely because of my age, I'm 36 and I don't have the things in my life that I always wanted. My own family mainly, but also I have no money and I've had to distance myself from my friends. So I'm alone, trying to get clean again. I've been here before so many times, but it hurts this time in a way that maybe I didn't experience when I was younger and with more hope. I'm wiser and can see my addiction for what it is. Pure masochism. There's a part of myself that wants me to die, and to be unhappy, suicidal even, and I don't understand it, but I know it's there.
I think it comes from events that occurred during my younger life. My parents were very unhappy people, and luckily for me they were and are loving people, which is why I'm still here no doubt, but there was a lot of chaos and bad emotions, some violence, but there are children that go through so much worse, so I don't believe this is the reason for my masochism. It definitely helped build the foundations for it, but I think events that would happen a little later pushed me over the edge.
At 18 my step grandad was stabbed and killed on his doorstep by (who might very well be) my actual grandad. It's a complicated story. Anyway I think this had a profound effect on me. At the time I barely gave it a second thought, and probably pushed the pain out completely. However, after this my mother became manically depressed, and I think very subtly, I did too. Anyway, as fate would have it, not long after I came across some people who happened to be heroin addicts/dealers, and so began my relationship with heroin.
Now don't get it twisted, you don't take heroin once or twice and get addicted. In fact, I smoked heroin every day for 2 months with these people and stopped using. Unfortunately I was already an addict to every other drug available, and a couple of years later heroin presented itself to me again. At this time in my life I was in more pain that had been slowly accumulating, and the minute that heroin took that pain away, I became a heroin addict.
Of course, this is where the story gets worse, even though I felt I'd kind of already been through the ringer. The combination of using heroin and lots of other drugs (ecstasy, ketamine, GHB, smoking weed every day from 17 years of age) had some very negative effects on my brain chemistry and one night my mind just went pop. I remember it quite vividly. I became so paranoid that I almost believed that my friends and people around me were plotting to torture and kill me. I carried knives around with me, I always l slept with one under my bed or pillow. I went through some really dark ****. I went to the doctor and told him that I was schizophrenic. When he told me I wasn't I was relieved. He said that if I was schizophrenic I wouldn't be sitting there asking if I was. Still to this day I don't know what happened to my brain but it absolutely was some kind of schizoid episode.
So I knew I had to slow down my drug use. Again, I strongly believe that the love my parents have for me enabled me to do this. In fact at this point I was homeless and they allowed me to sleep on their couch for a few months while I sorted my life out. I got a job and moved to another city. I went back to school and got my school grades (or GCSE's in the UK) and eventually went to university. This is where the story should have a happy ending. I was clean from opiates for a year and a half. But of course, they caught up with me. I was in a lot of pain. Of course I was gonna use again.
That was ten years ago. I'm not gonna blab on about the last ten years of my life, because it's not that interesting. I've lost my best friend to this drug, and every relationship I ever had. Beautiful lovely girls that I loved and they loved me, but I didn't give a ****. I'd give anything up for myself. My selfish ******* self. That's all I cared about. And to an extent I'm still self obsessed. But I'm slowly starting to realise that I'm nothing without other people; in fact I'm a dead man without other people. Without connecting with other people, I'm useless. I hate myself. When I connect with people, I feel better. I want to live. I want to create a life.
Right now I go to NA meetings and these beautiful people have been so welcoming. I haven't even shared and I feel so much better every time I go. They see the pain in my eyes and give me their phone number.
Wherever you are in your addiction, maybe you have really ****** up and have done some **** that you feel you can't forgive yourself for. I don't give a **** what it is, bar from killing another man, this drug has changed you. Whatever you did, you don't deserve to die! This world isn't as ****** as it appears to be. It can be beautiful. You just need to connect with people. Please believe me this is the key. You are so trapped in your head. But your head is not the world! The world is very complicated with so many layers, but really all you need to do is be open to it. You can't do this while you are using opiates cos it ***** with your abiltiy to feel emotions. And you need your emotions to connect with people.
This world is insane so why would being sane ever help you? Just roll with it let life happen to you. Stop trying to run from it. You will eventually look back and be so overjoyed that you pulled yourself out of that horrible ****. **** the cliche messages you see on social media like 'You're worth it.' 'Make every day count' blah blah. Do you wanna live or do you wanna die? 2 options choose one.
I'm gonna write my story here purely for therapeutic purposes. I appreciate anyone that reads this and hell if this helps someone even better, but right now I'm writing to let off some steam so to say.
Well I'm attempting to stop taking opiate/opioid drugs for like the 200th the time, I washed the codeine out of some cocodomal yesterday so I'm not gonna lie and say I'm clean right now, but I haven't used heroin or suboxone for a few weeks so I feel like I'm making some progress.
They say that you quit your addiction when you hit your rock bottom, and in a way I have. Purely because of my age, I'm 36 and I don't have the things in my life that I always wanted. My own family mainly, but also I have no money and I've had to distance myself from my friends. So I'm alone, trying to get clean again. I've been here before so many times, but it hurts this time in a way that maybe I didn't experience when I was younger and with more hope. I'm wiser and can see my addiction for what it is. Pure masochism. There's a part of myself that wants me to die, and to be unhappy, suicidal even, and I don't understand it, but I know it's there.
I think it comes from events that occurred during my younger life. My parents were very unhappy people, and luckily for me they were and are loving people, which is why I'm still here no doubt, but there was a lot of chaos and bad emotions, some violence, but there are children that go through so much worse, so I don't believe this is the reason for my masochism. It definitely helped build the foundations for it, but I think events that would happen a little later pushed me over the edge.
At 18 my step grandad was stabbed and killed on his doorstep by (who might very well be) my actual grandad. It's a complicated story. Anyway I think this had a profound effect on me. At the time I barely gave it a second thought, and probably pushed the pain out completely. However, after this my mother became manically depressed, and I think very subtly, I did too. Anyway, as fate would have it, not long after I came across some people who happened to be heroin addicts/dealers, and so began my relationship with heroin.
Now don't get it twisted, you don't take heroin once or twice and get addicted. In fact, I smoked heroin every day for 2 months with these people and stopped using. Unfortunately I was already an addict to every other drug available, and a couple of years later heroin presented itself to me again. At this time in my life I was in more pain that had been slowly accumulating, and the minute that heroin took that pain away, I became a heroin addict.
Of course, this is where the story gets worse, even though I felt I'd kind of already been through the ringer. The combination of using heroin and lots of other drugs (ecstasy, ketamine, GHB, smoking weed every day from 17 years of age) had some very negative effects on my brain chemistry and one night my mind just went pop. I remember it quite vividly. I became so paranoid that I almost believed that my friends and people around me were plotting to torture and kill me. I carried knives around with me, I always l slept with one under my bed or pillow. I went through some really dark ****. I went to the doctor and told him that I was schizophrenic. When he told me I wasn't I was relieved. He said that if I was schizophrenic I wouldn't be sitting there asking if I was. Still to this day I don't know what happened to my brain but it absolutely was some kind of schizoid episode.
So I knew I had to slow down my drug use. Again, I strongly believe that the love my parents have for me enabled me to do this. In fact at this point I was homeless and they allowed me to sleep on their couch for a few months while I sorted my life out. I got a job and moved to another city. I went back to school and got my school grades (or GCSE's in the UK) and eventually went to university. This is where the story should have a happy ending. I was clean from opiates for a year and a half. But of course, they caught up with me. I was in a lot of pain. Of course I was gonna use again.
That was ten years ago. I'm not gonna blab on about the last ten years of my life, because it's not that interesting. I've lost my best friend to this drug, and every relationship I ever had. Beautiful lovely girls that I loved and they loved me, but I didn't give a ****. I'd give anything up for myself. My selfish ******* self. That's all I cared about. And to an extent I'm still self obsessed. But I'm slowly starting to realise that I'm nothing without other people; in fact I'm a dead man without other people. Without connecting with other people, I'm useless. I hate myself. When I connect with people, I feel better. I want to live. I want to create a life.
Right now I go to NA meetings and these beautiful people have been so welcoming. I haven't even shared and I feel so much better every time I go. They see the pain in my eyes and give me their phone number.
Wherever you are in your addiction, maybe you have really ****** up and have done some **** that you feel you can't forgive yourself for. I don't give a **** what it is, bar from killing another man, this drug has changed you. Whatever you did, you don't deserve to die! This world isn't as ****** as it appears to be. It can be beautiful. You just need to connect with people. Please believe me this is the key. You are so trapped in your head. But your head is not the world! The world is very complicated with so many layers, but really all you need to do is be open to it. You can't do this while you are using opiates cos it ***** with your abiltiy to feel emotions. And you need your emotions to connect with people.
This world is insane so why would being sane ever help you? Just roll with it let life happen to you. Stop trying to run from it. You will eventually look back and be so overjoyed that you pulled yourself out of that horrible ****. **** the cliche messages you see on social media like 'You're worth it.' 'Make every day count' blah blah. Do you wanna live or do you wanna die? 2 options choose one.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 64
Vick, Thank you for sharing your story. I have not been on SR for quite some time but was feeling quite sad and upset about my son, who has a story similar to yours. Just to let you know that you are worth it. Your life is important. Keep up the fight. You are worth it. Peace to you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Vick, Thank you for telling about your experience. I'm glad you decided to write it all out - hope it helps. You can get free & have a new life - better days are waiting for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
A very thoughtful, well spoken summary of where you stand, Vick. I lost my half brother to heroin and other drugs, he just didn't make it a mission of his to stop. I hope that your insight will bring you deep into recovery now and that you will be able to detach from the stuff permanently.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 526
Vick, thanks for sharing, I can relate to some of the things in your story and can imagine it very well. 
It's great news that you're getting some help, don't beat yourself up for your past actions, stay clean and have a positive attitude onward.
What that doctor said made me chuckle. Very direct, they don't beat around the bush there.
It's great news that you're getting some help, don't beat yourself up for your past actions, stay clean and have a positive attitude onward. What that doctor said made me chuckle. Very direct, they don't beat around the bush there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 526
I had an aunt murdered (stabbed) too. I was young but rumor had it that she owed the wrong people money over drugs. Worse is her young son came out of his room to watch the killer flee but he stayed holding his dying mother. They found the knife, but never who did it. They rarely do....my folks were clean though, thank god.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Prague
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by peacefulintent 
Vick, Thank you for sharing your story. I have not been on SR for quite some time but was feeling quite sad and upset about my son, who has a story similar to yours. Just to let you know that you are worth it. Your life is important. Keep up the fight. You are worth it. Peace to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Prague
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Caprice6
Vick, thanks for sharing, I can relate to some of the things in your story and can imagine it very well. It's great news that you're getting some help, don't beat yourself up for your past actions, stay clean and have a positive attitude onward.
What that doctor said made me chuckle. Very direct, they don't beat around the bush there.
It's great news that you're getting some help, don't beat yourself up for your past actions, stay clean and have a positive attitude onward. What that doctor said made me chuckle. Very direct, they don't beat around the bush there.
Yes that was a moment I'll never forget. He was actually the best doctor I ever met. I often seemed to have quite a bad experience with doctors here in the UK. Quite apathetic to drug and mental health problems..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 526
Originally Posted by Vick1
Thank you Caprice, the past is hard to forget, but there's only one way, forward.
Yes that was a moment I'll never forget. He was actually the best doctor I ever met. I often seemed to have quite a bad experience with doctors here in the UK. Quite apathetic to drug and mental health problems..
Yes that was a moment I'll never forget. He was actually the best doctor I ever met. I often seemed to have quite a bad experience with doctors here in the UK. Quite apathetic to drug and mental health problems..
keep up the good work, I'm grateful to my parents as well, but it was chaotic at home too. Mom was soft and father more a tough love kinda person who really had it tough growing up in poverty and physical abuse, (alcoholic father 6 siblings), but he came a long way from it.
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