NoAnotherRound

I meant to post in here but afterI registered I accidentally post in the wrong section.
Anyway I did get some nice replies.
Below are my two posts. But will add a bit here.
I am relieved and also sadden at having to walk away. I also feel really stupid at putting up with the abuse. But the whole thing was slow to build up. First breaching of my boundaries and rudeness came four years after we met. Then after that a major verbal abuse over nothing in which I was going to walk for good but they said sorry and wouldn’t do it again. They keep their word for years and nothing major happened except for nasty little cracks here and there and for periods just getting the general feeling that something was wrong. Oddly this made me feel bad about myself. Then they had a divorce and all was ok between us. In fact things were very good until they remarried. My posts will explain some of the stuff that haas gone down. Some of the things they said to me were totally unnecessary as it had nothing to do with them. And I can only describe their words as vile, hateful and cruel on numerous occasions in the last eight or so months.


1st post
Hi I am new here and just trying to make sense of things.
I will just briefly outline my story.
Recently I had to call it quits with a long term friend who had a drinking problem and is now out of control. Doesn’t help that they married an alcoholic. They were told numerous times by other friends that this person was an alcoholic but they failed to see it.
I had had periodic outburst from my friend. At first there would be years between a very nasty personal attack. Then about eight years ago I noticed nasty little comments peppered in what seemed like a nice conversation. I tried to brush them off but in the last two years they have become more frequent. I have noted they have had an effect on my confidence. The theme of these are that I am pretty much useless and need someone to look after my affairs. Can’t even train my own dog etc.
Along with some other nasty bits and pieces. I am an independent and successful person. Have a very good income. Only have a social drink. No drugs or cigarettes at all. Have a very healthy lifestyle. Have many interests which I actively pursue.
In the last eight months the big nasty attacks have become more frequent. They breach my boundaries in to my private affairs. I get the strong feeling they think they have the right to do so......seeing I am SO useless!
When not drinking....which is now hard to catch them without a drink.....they are very nice considerate and a good friend. In fact it would be hard to find a more considerate person.
Their situation now is both they and their partner are not working and can’t find work. They haven’t said but I am sure they are finding things very difficult with paying off their mortgage. Also they smoke a pack each a day.
I nearly gave up in the friendship some years back when I endured a particularly nasty bit of verbal abuse when they were drunk. It was over nothing and they went out of their way to start the whole thing. Many times I regret not breaking with them then especially in the last eight months.
I finally saw they were never going to change. That their apologies were that of an alcoholic and not worth listening to.
Anyway I just want to try and understand what is with this disease. I have read a lot on line and have a book called The Uncommon Drunk.
But mostly these things concentrate on the alcoholic and not the nuts of bolts of family and friends and how to understand their addiction and behaviour.
In this person behaviour I can see they are very covert, and passive aggressive. Then sometimes moving over to aggressive and extremely nasty. Also extremely foul mouthed at times which is something I dislike a lot!
Would appreciate any advice, article or books which can help me understand all of this as I need to move on.
Thank you

2nd post
Thank you everyone for your replies. And thanks Ghostlight for sharing your personal story. Very glad you came through it all.
It has taken me a while to finally decide to break with this person. The whole thing has become toxic with them. Even at its best they have been coming out with nasty remarks.....all kinda joke like.....very passive aggressive. Then there has the big nasty attacks that come out of nowhere. I am completely done with them.
I have spoken to them decently. Even talked about the importance of boundaries and respecting them. Also how cruel words can hurt. But they don’t take the hint and I don’t feel I have to place myself into a combative position in order to bring it up directly. Because that is what it would take as this person takes great offence at things and I have had to walked on eggshells around them. Yet they dish out whatever poison they can at times. Nah I am totally done and moving on! I can’t see how they are going to stop the drinking. They can’t stop smoking even though they can’t afford it anymore. I don’t know how they are managing. I know full well that my friend often has to choose between drink and food. They always take the drink. That’s how hard core they have become. So sad to see when they had so much potential!
Just trying to figure the wash up of it. And though I don’t have any drinking problem I have decided alcohol is poison for mind, body and soul and I haven’t had a drink in a month and I don’t miss it at all. If I go out with friends I have a club soda with a slice of lime. It actually been my preferred drink in any case.
I am now hanging out with people who might have a nice wine with a meal and don’t take offence with me having a soda. Even after drinking all day my friend would have to buy alcohol to take home at midnight! It’s a desperate situation when you get to that stage.
I wish my friend well and don’t have bad feelings against them but I am not hanging around anymore I have other things to do with my life.

trailmix

Hi NoAnotherRound and welcome.

This last line here is really the focus I think?

Alcoholism is not something that, generally, stays the same. Alcoholism is progressive. Over the years your friend has continued to drink and drinking changes the brain.

His experience of life as the years have passed is probably quite different from yours and it can be hard to understand really because being in an altered state all the time is quite different to what we, non-alcoholics, have.

You are absolutely correct to want to cut ties I think. There is no reason to continue a friendship where the person is not really being a friend. Friends don't put you down and make you feel bad about yourself, lash out at you etc.

Have you already stopped contact with them?

NoAnotherRound

Hi Trailmix
Yes I have cut ties now. I emailed them on my issues I have been experiencing with them. I didn’t want to speak to them directly as it is hard to ever catch them with a drink. I have too much on my plate at the moment to get into some combative position with them in any case.
I was wondering about their thinking and did feel that alcohol has warp their brain. Also they also smoke weed. But not sure how often it is.
To be honest what they have said to me recently.....them giving me unasked for advice.....would have placed me in a bad position. It seemed to me that they wished me ill. When I have related this to some other friends they said the same without me volunteering my thoughts on the matter. What you are saying about the alternate state makes sense. And it is difficult to understand what that would be like.
I am feeling a lot better today and have a sense of freedom in that I don’t have to walk on egg shells. Also I want to concentrate on my healthy friendships. This person has taken up way too much of my time of late. And then the wash up of all they have said to me also takes up processing time. I do feel that what they have been doing is a lot of projecting onto me of their own issues that they can’t face.
Thank you for your reply