Trying to make sense of it all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 9
Trying to make sense of it all
Hi I am new here and just trying to make sense of things.
I will just briefly outline my story.
Recently I had to call it quits with a long term friend who had a drinking problem and is now out of control. Doesn’t help that they married an alcoholic. They were told numerous times by other friends that this person was an alcoholic but they failed to see it.
I had had periodic outburst from my friend. At first there would be years between a very nasty personal attack. Then about eight years ago I noticed nasty little comments peppered in what seemed like a nice conversation. I tried to brush them off but in the last two years they have become more frequent. I have noted they have had an effect on my confidence. The theme of these are that I am pretty much useless and need someone to look after my affairs. Can’t even train my own dog etc.
Along with some other nasty bits and pieces. I am an independent and successful person. Have a very good income. Only have a social drink. No drugs or cigarettes at all. Have a very healthy lifestyle. Have many interests which I actively pursue.
In the last eight months the big nasty attacks have become more frequent. They breach my boundaries in to my private affairs. I get the strong feeling they think they have the right to do so......seeing I am SO useless!
When not drinking....which is now hard to catch them without a drink.....they are very nice considerate and a good friend. In fact it would be hard to find a more considerate person.
Their situation now is both they and their partner are not working and can’t find work. They haven’t said but I am sure they are finding things very difficult with paying off their mortgage. Also they smoke a pack each a day.
I nearly gave up in the friendship some years back when I endured a particularly nasty bit of verbal abuse when they were drunk. It was over nothing and they went out of their way to start the whole thing. Many times I regret not breaking with them then especially in the last eight months.
I finally saw they were never going to change. That their apologies were that of an alcoholic and not worth listening to.
Anyway I just want to try and understand what is with this disease. I have read a lot on line and have a book called The Uncommon Drunk.
But mostly these things concentrate on the alcoholic and not the nuts of bolts of family and friends and how to understand their addiction and behaviour.
In this person behaviour I can see they are very covert, and passive aggressive. Then sometimes moving over to aggressive and extremely nasty. Also extremely foul mouthed at times which is something I dislike a lot!
Would appreciate any advice, article or books which can help me understand all of this as I need to move on.
Thank you
I will just briefly outline my story.
Recently I had to call it quits with a long term friend who had a drinking problem and is now out of control. Doesn’t help that they married an alcoholic. They were told numerous times by other friends that this person was an alcoholic but they failed to see it.
I had had periodic outburst from my friend. At first there would be years between a very nasty personal attack. Then about eight years ago I noticed nasty little comments peppered in what seemed like a nice conversation. I tried to brush them off but in the last two years they have become more frequent. I have noted they have had an effect on my confidence. The theme of these are that I am pretty much useless and need someone to look after my affairs. Can’t even train my own dog etc.
Along with some other nasty bits and pieces. I am an independent and successful person. Have a very good income. Only have a social drink. No drugs or cigarettes at all. Have a very healthy lifestyle. Have many interests which I actively pursue.
In the last eight months the big nasty attacks have become more frequent. They breach my boundaries in to my private affairs. I get the strong feeling they think they have the right to do so......seeing I am SO useless!
When not drinking....which is now hard to catch them without a drink.....they are very nice considerate and a good friend. In fact it would be hard to find a more considerate person.
Their situation now is both they and their partner are not working and can’t find work. They haven’t said but I am sure they are finding things very difficult with paying off their mortgage. Also they smoke a pack each a day.
I nearly gave up in the friendship some years back when I endured a particularly nasty bit of verbal abuse when they were drunk. It was over nothing and they went out of their way to start the whole thing. Many times I regret not breaking with them then especially in the last eight months.
I finally saw they were never going to change. That their apologies were that of an alcoholic and not worth listening to.
Anyway I just want to try and understand what is with this disease. I have read a lot on line and have a book called The Uncommon Drunk.
But mostly these things concentrate on the alcoholic and not the nuts of bolts of family and friends and how to understand their addiction and behaviour.
In this person behaviour I can see they are very covert, and passive aggressive. Then sometimes moving over to aggressive and extremely nasty. Also extremely foul mouthed at times which is something I dislike a lot!
Would appreciate any advice, article or books which can help me understand all of this as I need to move on.
Thank you
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,418
No AnotherRound - welcoem 
It doesn't sound like this person is currently adding a lot to your life. If this person shows no signs of wanting to engage with their problem, and you want to move on, I think it's reasonable to do just that.
D
It doesn't sound like this person is currently adding a lot to your life. If this person shows no signs of wanting to engage with their problem, and you want to move on, I think it's reasonable to do just that.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hello and welcome.
I was a very heavy drinker for forty years. But it didn't get real bad till the last ten. I was never a nasty drunk, I think, anyway.
Just to give you a little background on myself.
As for friends, all of mine drank. Especially three who sound a lot like your friends.
Even compared to me they drank copious amounts of alcohol. Drunk all the time except rarely, and they were looking for a drink then.
I did what I could for them, even with their foul, drunken demeaner. Got them jobs, which they got fired from for being drunk. Gave them money. Drank with them till they had me under the table and they were just getting started.
Then came the abuse. I watched them lose everything. Two became homeless for awhile. Jail. I could go on but you get the idea, I hope.
They became abusive to me. They berated me for trying to quit drinking.
The snide remarks about my girlfriends. Personal attacks.
I finally had to let them go from my life. I loved them like brothers, but they are drunks of the third magnitude. I can't change that. I know better than to even try.
The relationships were toxic to me and had to end lest I never get sober.
One is now dead at sixty five. Drank himself to death. The other two I don't know about except what I hear from third party's.
This is just the way it has to be.
I miss them sometimes. Like your friends, they were swell guys when sober and that was a very small window.
Just my experience. I hope you can relate. There was nothing I could do to save my friends. I had to save myself.
It's been over ten years now since I've had a drink. I owe a fraction of that to them for showing me what I could become.
I'm afraid your friends may have to help themselves. Trust me, there's little you can do for them while they're drinking.
If they try to quit, yes. If not, I would walk away again in a heartbeat.
Best to you and your friends.
I was a very heavy drinker for forty years. But it didn't get real bad till the last ten. I was never a nasty drunk, I think, anyway.
Just to give you a little background on myself.
As for friends, all of mine drank. Especially three who sound a lot like your friends.
Even compared to me they drank copious amounts of alcohol. Drunk all the time except rarely, and they were looking for a drink then.
I did what I could for them, even with their foul, drunken demeaner. Got them jobs, which they got fired from for being drunk. Gave them money. Drank with them till they had me under the table and they were just getting started.
Then came the abuse. I watched them lose everything. Two became homeless for awhile. Jail. I could go on but you get the idea, I hope.
They became abusive to me. They berated me for trying to quit drinking.
The snide remarks about my girlfriends. Personal attacks.
I finally had to let them go from my life. I loved them like brothers, but they are drunks of the third magnitude. I can't change that. I know better than to even try.
The relationships were toxic to me and had to end lest I never get sober.
One is now dead at sixty five. Drank himself to death. The other two I don't know about except what I hear from third party's.
This is just the way it has to be.
I miss them sometimes. Like your friends, they were swell guys when sober and that was a very small window.
Just my experience. I hope you can relate. There was nothing I could do to save my friends. I had to save myself.
It's been over ten years now since I've had a drink. I owe a fraction of that to them for showing me what I could become.
I'm afraid your friends may have to help themselves. Trust me, there's little you can do for them while they're drinking.
If they try to quit, yes. If not, I would walk away again in a heartbeat.
Best to you and your friends.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 7
It is really painful to watch someone we care about destroy themselves and their family. Do what feels necessary for you to be healthy and happy. That may mean taking time away, or ending the relationship entirely...only you can make those decisions. My heart goes out to you. Its hard to love an addict. How wonderful that you are seeking support for yourself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 9
Thank you everyone for your replies. And thanks Ghostlight for sharing your personal story. Very glad you came through it all.
It has taken me a while to finally decide to break with this person. The whole thing has become toxic with them. Even at its best they have been coming out with nasty remarks.....all kinda joke like.....very passive aggressive. Then there has the big nasty attacks that come out of nowhere. I am completely done with them.
I have spoken to them decently. Even talked about the importance of boundaries and respecting them. Also how cruel words can hurt. But they don’t take the hint and I don’t feel I have to place myself into a combative position in order to bring it up directly. Because that is what it would take as this person takes great offence at things and I have had to walked on eggshells around them. Yet they dish out whatever poison they can at times. Nah I am totally done and moving on! I can’t see how they are going to stop the drinking. They can’t stop smoking even though they can’t afford it anymore. I don’t know how they are managing. I know full well that my friend often has to choose between drink and food. They always take the drink. That’s how hard core they have become. So sad to see when they had so much potential!
Just trying to figure the wash up of it. And though I don’t have any drinking problem I have decided alcohol is poison for mind, body and soul and I haven’t had a drink in a month and I don’t miss it at all. If I go out with friends I have a club soda with a slice of lime. It actually been my preferred drink in any case.
I am now hanging out with people who might have a nice wine with a meal and don’t take offence with me having a soda. Even after drinking all day my friend would have to buy alcohol to take home at midnight! It’s a desperate situation when you get to that stage.
I wish my friend well and don’t have bad feelings against them but I am not hanging around anymore I have other things to do with my life.
It has taken me a while to finally decide to break with this person. The whole thing has become toxic with them. Even at its best they have been coming out with nasty remarks.....all kinda joke like.....very passive aggressive. Then there has the big nasty attacks that come out of nowhere. I am completely done with them.
I have spoken to them decently. Even talked about the importance of boundaries and respecting them. Also how cruel words can hurt. But they don’t take the hint and I don’t feel I have to place myself into a combative position in order to bring it up directly. Because that is what it would take as this person takes great offence at things and I have had to walked on eggshells around them. Yet they dish out whatever poison they can at times. Nah I am totally done and moving on! I can’t see how they are going to stop the drinking. They can’t stop smoking even though they can’t afford it anymore. I don’t know how they are managing. I know full well that my friend often has to choose between drink and food. They always take the drink. That’s how hard core they have become. So sad to see when they had so much potential!
Just trying to figure the wash up of it. And though I don’t have any drinking problem I have decided alcohol is poison for mind, body and soul and I haven’t had a drink in a month and I don’t miss it at all. If I go out with friends I have a club soda with a slice of lime. It actually been my preferred drink in any case.
I am now hanging out with people who might have a nice wine with a meal and don’t take offence with me having a soda. Even after drinking all day my friend would have to buy alcohol to take home at midnight! It’s a desperate situation when you get to that stage.
I wish my friend well and don’t have bad feelings against them but I am not hanging around anymore I have other things to do with my life.
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