Troubledone

(I mistakenly posted this first on F & F of Alcoholics - but I normally post here)

For anyone who does not know my story - my "addict of concern" is my 37 year old chemically dependent, mentally ill niece, recently committed and now out of treatment. I've spent the last 15 years trying to get her straightened out after three treatment programs, two big drug felonies, one bankruptcy, a string of idiot boyfriends, a mountain of debt and no job.

Now she's pregnant by a guy who has done nothing but lie to her for the past year.

I am completely disgusted.

She just got into a supportive living facility a month ago and started making some small progress with her life and she does this! Can a person get more stupid? Maybe relapsing while she's pregnant might top this stunt.

I could write pages of the lies and stupidity, violence and drama these two engage in. Now there is a small innocent life involved.

Can anyone offer me any consolation in this scenario.

I hate to say it but I want nothing to do with this. I don't want to be part of the pregnancy drama, I don't want to baby sit, I don't want to interact with the idiot boyfriend, I don't want to watch these two stupid addicts screw up a small innocent life. I am praying she miscarries so that this poor innocent life does not have to be put through her narcissism, instability, and general stupidity.

I feel like selling my house, moving out of town and leaving no forwarding address or phone number.

I cannot see one good thing about this situation.

Thanks for listening - I know I need to let go and let God, but golly after 15 years, when does it end?

Action

Your the one that's let it go on for fifteen years, your not going to change her she is going to do as she wants, so why drive yourself crazy? Let her go at live your own life.

Walkedon

Maybe this pregnancy will make her see the world doesn't revolve around her,.
I.underatand your feelings. I would feel the same way. It's okay you to walk away. These are adults and we can not control their behavior.

OpheliaKatz

What happens where you live if you call social services after the child is born? You don't have to deal with their choices if you don't want to. I am sorry there is a child in the mix now. It won't get better.

Troubledone

Thanks for the responses.

This is my worst nightmare. I know I can turn my back on her and this whole mess and maybe I will.

I like the idea of staying in just enough touch that I can call children's services. I am actually pretty good at that because I've called them on some of my siblings over the years. This is just a complete repeat of her mother's (my sister's) dysfunctional life - Marry an idiot, have children, torture them with your irresponsibility until they become just as dysfunction, rise, repeat.

I know I won't survive if I get too close to this. It just stinks.

Got a text from her this morning like I'm supposed to be all happy. I can't even respond to the text because anything I'll say now will be hateful. It's a good thing I have a therapy appointment today - hope it helps calm me down.

SparkleKitty

This sounds a little bit like the alcoholic who wants to be able to just have a beer now and then, my friend.

Ann

I am sorry she is not making better choices, but it is what it is and I think it may be best to let her figure out how she will manage with a baby.

As much as you will want to, keeping a safe distance from all this might be best for both of you.

God bless the child.

Hugs

Troubledone

My brother reminded me today that this will unfold over time and that she got her wish--now let's just see what she does with it.

Thanks all for the good reminders. It did also help to see my therapist - same message from all fronts - back away from the drama :-)

Leana

Here's your worst scenario, (the one I am in). She has the baby, she straightens up and your glad, it seems like the baby was a gift. You let your guard down and get close to the child. You fall in love with the child. Then WHAM. relapse.

Now you love this child and she has addict for a mom and a bum for a dad. What do you do? Do you put the child in foster care while mom is using or while she is in rehab? Or do you agree to take the child?

Choose your next steps very carefully. If your in- your all in. Because the chances are good at some point you will be raising that child.

pdm22

Years ago I was part of a forum, all of us survivors of dysfunctional/ abusive upbringings, now all adults. The question that came up over & over, was why didn’t anyone else in the family step up and help us?

The reality is, this is just life. Kids get brought into the world, and if things go south or something happens (a parent dying of whatever), who is going to step up and help? A family member? Let the state deal with it? These are all very real questions, we’re talking about children here. No we can’t save everyone, and it’s not our responsibility to take on other people’s bad choices- but the reality is, children do suffer, and what is the best course of action when the people who brought them into this world are impaired and can’t do what’s best for them?

I was in a situation with a family member years ago, she and her addict boyfriend were out of control, neither in recovery, in active addiction. She had some pretty severe abandonment issues, also the result of an inadequate/ abusive upbringing (funny how this circles back and gets repeated), and her great plan was to have a baby. Like that would fix their drug problems and hard core issues. Boy, did I want to wring both of their foolish necks. :/

Thank god it never happened, but present day I do have other family memebers with kids under 18. I’m written into the will to be the caregiver if anything happens, but if it were a situation where the parents were still there but couldn’t take care of them or were abusive, of course I would step in. And I’ve worked in foster care, so over my dead body would I allow for my nephews to get sucked into the system, knowing what goes on there. I wouldn’t do that for everyone, you have to know what/ how much you can take on and handle, but in their cases I would.

I don’t know, I think stepping back and taking care of yourself is wise. But you also have a ton of experience and know how things work- having a baby just exacerbates existing stressors and brings new ones, and you know her history, so I don’t think your concerns are unfounded. You also know yourself and how you are, and what in good conscience you will be able to witness and ignore, so yeah, at this point you’ll have to figure out what will be your best course of action. Not get involved at all? Risk a round 2 with this baby, like with her, if you do have any involvement? Anyways, good luck. Sure it’s her bad choices, but it must be very hard watching her train wreck her way through life.

Hawkeye13

It does seem from reading on this list that too often the addict uses the baby / child as a kind of "hostage" to get concessions from family.

Don't give them money, don't do what they ask, and access to the child is denied by the addict.

It is emotionally very dangerous territory from what I can see.
I agree the child should never have to suffer, but unfortunately, the state views the birth parent as the one with the decision-making power, often even when evidence clearly shows they are unfit.

So sorry--this is a very difficult situation.

Troubledone

Thanks for these additional insights. Very helpful and I ponder this!

This story is an almost exact repeat of my sister's life (my addict niece's mother) and I'm having flashbacks. The repetition compulsion is amazing.

I do have a lot of experience with this type of thing, and one of my other sisters was a foster parent and took care of a bunch of children that were victims of other foster parent's dysfunction. (she adopted one in particular who had two kids, became a heroine addict and she ended up raising them) So I know how scary the system is. And - I know my niece - she will use this child to try to manipulate me. If there was ever a time to rely on my higher power - this will test it!

I know I'll need to take this one extraordinarily careful step at a time. At 64, I just don't know how much more I can take. But as many have said, this is an innocent child. And I think the serenity prayer is applicable here. The way our world works is that she is and "adult" (at least chronologically) and as birth parent, unless she does incredible harm, I have few rights.

As sad as it sounds, I'm hoping she miscarries.