Fell in love with an alcoholic

Old 05-01-2019, 12:23 PM
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Fell in love with an alcoholic

Hi everyone,
I am new to this forum and the subject of alcoholism in general. I need some good advice, please.
There was never any alcohol in my immediate family nor have I ever had anything to do with an alcoholic (not that I was aware of anyway) before now, so I am finding it really hard to undestand what is currently happening to me.

To the point - last summer I got involved with a man, my supervisor at work to be precise. He pursued me, we fell in love, I felt the happiest I have ever been in my life. He did seem odd at times, but it felt like we were perfect for each other on so many levels, that little things that were perhaps a bit worrying or weird didn't bother me too much. Like the fact that we would text at night and all of the sudden he would just stop and only check back in with me the next morning, or when he was promising me unrealistic things (things that were too good to be true and no matter how in love I felt I knew that!), or when he was compulsively buying me presents, or when he was acting like a total child (and again, I know love makes you silly, but he was reaching the extremes).
Long story short - after many ups and downs and a few break ups and come backs, he finally admitted that he is an alcoholic. He would drink even up to a litre of vodka every night (alone at his house, he was never a social drinker) and a few shots in the morning to keep him going and to stop his hands from shaking. All of the sudden everything that was weird about him made sense. By the way, he also admitted many, many lies that he told me about him at the beginning of the relationship. I had not seen that coming, he is a very successful professional, really popular at work and extremely good at what he does. He is what is called a high functioning alcoholic.
I didn't care. I still wanted to be with him. I thought that his good side outweighted this bad, dark one. I never thought I would rescue him or magically fix his problem, I just decided I was ready to live with that and support him however he needed. Now here is the twist - he broke up with me a week after he went through a withdrawal (alone, at home, with my virtual support). He claimed he didn't know who he was anymore and needed to be alone to figure it out.
Now, he has been sober for almost 3 months (so he claims). We haven't spoken much in that time (I am not currently working, but will need to go back soon), I was trying to support him as much as possible, and I didn't want to interfere with his recovery. In the meantime, as it turns out, he started seeing someone and is very serious about her. Another stab in the heart - he moved on two months after breaking up with me, so it didn't take him long to figure things out... He says it's because our relationship started when he was under influence and he doesn't like that. Now he's doing things right he seems to think... (and I know from my research that you should allow at least 2 years of being sober before you start a relationship).

My problem is that I still love him. I KNOW he is doing me a favour by not wanting to be with me for whatever reason, although he still claims that I am a perfect match for him and that he loves me. I feel like he is THE ONE for me, I feel like we could be so happy together, like his alcoholism wouldn't be that much of a problem!! It is crazy, I do know this! I just am so hooked up on him. He lied to me, he manipulated me, he probably still is lying now. He hurt me more times that I could count, and yet I still feel like we should be together, Also I feel like I should offer him my support as I am effectively the only person who knows the truth about him and he doesn't have anyone else. Now he talks to me openly about his drinking, and he also tells me about his new girlfriend, who he didn't tell yet by the way. And I see how he is manipulating her now too, and making the same mistakes that he made with me, but HE doesn't see it!! I want to believe that he is sober, but it's hard when I see the things he does. I guess with alcoholics it is like that though, they only do what suits them right?

I want to stop wanting him, stop loving him and I don't know how. I have to work with him (and no, changing job is not possible at the moment) and I am worried that when his new girlfriend finds out about his problem, she will leave him (which any sane person would certainly do when it is still early days), and he will come after me again and the whole story will repeat itself. I want to protect myself and my feelings from him, I know he is toxic and I know I cannot trust him and that he is sick and all he does and says is irrational, but I feel that I am not strong enough to switch off my feelings and my emotions and say no to him. I do not want to get involved with him (that's the voice of reason), but at the same time I do (this is what my heart and souls want). I am insane.

I read a lot about alcoholism, about HFAs, I read a book and I read blogs, I listen to podcasts. I went to Al-anon already once and I am planning to continue going.
I am trying to sign up for psychotherapy, becuase the problem seems to be my low esteem and some tendency to codependancy or something, but I am not sure how successful all this will be, when deep down I just feel like we are so good for each other, I feel like I know the REAL him...
I need some advice how to detach from him, how to internalise what I know (his lies, manipulations, irrational decision making, egocentrism, selfishness, lack of empathy etc.) and how to stop believing that alcohol is not such a big problem.
I know I sound stupid! It seems stupid to me what I am doing and feeling. I just don't know how to stop :-(

Last edited by thegrasshopper; 05-01-2019 at 12:29 PM. Reason: typos
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Old 05-01-2019, 01:07 PM
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Hi thegrasshopper and welcome to SR, you will find lots of support here.

It takes time to detach and you can certainly do it. Time, patience, focus. No, you don't sound stupid.

First of all it's a good idea to sit down and make a list of reasons why you do not want to be in a relationship with this person. A hard copy list is a good idea because you are going to want to have it on hand to look at anytime you start ruminating about how "good" it could be. Short and to the point but a few details help, like:

- Lied to me about his drinking
- Didn't disclose that he was an alcoholic
- Hurt me more times that I can count (break this down in to specific instances - like - Cancelled our dinner plans for my birthday because he was drinking. Went out with his friends to watch football instead of meeting up for dinner.
- Put me down if I showed emotions
- Never interested in what I would like to do
- Never supported me when I needed it (like when my dog ran away)
- Not interested in meeting my friends and family

You get the idea. Whether you have this on your phone or in hard copy, keep it handy, refer to it often.

The mind does not want to dwell on the negative for long, so you are going to have to have this reminder to keep you on track.

Get busy with your life, your friends, your family your interests and social life. I'm not sure how far you have gone down the - everything revolves around the alcoholic path - but breaking free of that will be a really positive step.

So he has found his next person to try to manipulate in to his life, please don't take that personally. Sounds like he is trying to create a life where everything is "normal". Maybe he will succeed, maybe not, but he can't have you in it when he is planning it, using manipulative tactics.

Most important, cut him off! Why is he talking to you about his new girlfriend at all? That is totally out of line and so rude. That's another thing for your list! You should consider going no contact, you can be professional at work as needed but I wouldn't give him 1 minute of your time aside from that. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, this is neither.

There are some good threads here you might find useful as well:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 05-01-2019, 01:28 PM
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Hi,
Thanks for the reply! It really is helpful. I will certainly take the advice on making a list.
The thing is I don't have trouble remembering the bad stuff. It's just that I overlook it and prefer to focus on the good stuff. He did treat me like a queen :-(

And the reason why he talks to me now is because I encouraged it.. It is my fault. He did cut me off and it was me who initiated the contact again as I am coming back to work soon and I feel that we shou;d try to make it work between us. I thought that becoming friends would help and would be easier than trying to pretend like we have no history. He can be very cold and distant and can make the work environment very unpleasant (he has done this in the past when things weren't going how he wanted them to). We do work very closely together unfortunately and I feel like I have no escape and no choice really.
I also feel that talking to him now helps me massively in the sense that when I hear his stories and what stupid things he does it actually makes it easier for me to get over him as I see with more clarity who or how he really is (an ******* basically). But one of my friends thinks that I do this, because I want him in my life in ANY way and so will basically accept anything that he is happy to give me.. Even if it hurtful to me.
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Old 05-01-2019, 01:39 PM
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You are a lucky one, you haven't been together for twenty years with kids and property together. You haven't waisted years of your life in misery kicking yourself for not getting out ten years ago or in the first place when you first saw it. For me it was hard to admit that I let the last two years pass before we split up. I never gets better it only gets worse. Like you said he did you a favor, run with it.

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Old 05-01-2019, 01:45 PM
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Yes, it's not remembering the bad stuff, it's reminding yourself when you decide to take a trip down magical memory lane (where the bad stuff is pushed aside).

Your friend may well be right. Even if you decided to let him speak so you could confirm what a jerk he is, you have now established this, so what do you get from it now?

No use playing up to him so he will treat you better at work. You can part amicably if you like. No hard feelings, just think it would be better if we keep things professional as we work so well together.

The bottom line is keeping in contact with him as a friend serves no useful purpose for you, none. You get to keep in contact with and ex-boyfriend that treated you badly, that's not good for you, I'm sure it doesn't make you feel good about yourself?

Until you let this go you are not healing, you are not focusing on your life and what you want.

There is a book that is often recommended here - Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. I am not saying you are codependent by the way, or not, but there is plenty of information in that book that will help you navigate a lot of this and set up personal boundaries to protect yourself.

One other thing "high functioning" in alcoholism is a stage of alcoholism, not a type. Alcoholism is usually progressive, it doesn't get better without recovery. An alcoholic is only high functioning until they are not. Besides, having to drop out of a text conversation every night because you are getting drunk isn't very "high functioning".
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Old 05-01-2019, 02:38 PM
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You are absolutely right. All I do is try to keep him happy so that he treats me well. I made the list by the way.. with each point I wanted to add “,but...” so I obviously am trying to justify every horrible thing that he is or does... honestly there is something wrong with me.
What do I get from talking to him? Nothing for me for sure when I think about it, other than more grief and pain... you are right. I guess I like being that special person that he can talk to... I don’t know why but I do want to know what is happening in his life. ?! Or I just am not ready to let go. He always made everything about him and me and my needs disappeared!

High functioning as in he still holds a good job and manages to keep his drinking a secret. He looks good and smells good and no one has ever seen him drunk. At work people think he abstains from alcohol. He never drinks at social events if he ever attends them.
I do not know the real extend of his drinking, this is why I think I might be so delusional. But again, good point - he is high functioning until he’s not... in a way I think I want to see him fail, only to have a proof that he really isn’t any different to a “standard” alcoholic.. i don’t know if that makes me a terrible person??

For me I think, as I don’t have experience in this, it may seem that somehow he IS different and can make it on his own, or that eventually he will go to a meeting, he is so smart and so convincing about everything, I guess I am being delusional and trying to find excuses for his behaviour. Same as he finds excuses why he would drink or why he won’t go to therapy. I know this is where I go wrong, I still talk to him and perceive him as a normal person who thinks in a straightforward way, and that’s because he really is exceptionally smart and educated, it’s hard to see him as an alcoholic when all you have known so far was a highly educated very respected specialist.

Thanks for recommending the book. I’ll look into it, as well as the link from your previous message. It really helps what you write.

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Old 05-01-2019, 02:40 PM
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Hello, thegrasshopper.

Reading your post gave me cold chills. I was in a relationship with a man identical to him for five years and it almost killed me. When I would see his number on the caller ID, I'd start trembling in fear. I went to a couple of psychiatrists, Al-Anon, therapists, church, anything, to make the obsession go away. What I did learn in Al-Anon was I was as obsessed with him as he was a drink. I'd tell myself I was not going to contact him, I would contact him only as a friend. I had a complete nervous breakdown and ended up addicted to prescription pills. The doctors had me on so much medication I would go into blackouts and disappear for weeks at a time.

I can't even talk about this anymore. I have post-traumatic stress from the whole ordeal. The only "advice" I would give you is run like hell.
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Old 05-01-2019, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Action View Post
You are a lucky one, you haven't been together for twenty years with kids and property together. You haven't waisted years of your life in misery kicking yourself for not getting out ten years ago or in the first place when you first saw it. For me it was hard to admit that I let the last two years pass before we split up. I never gets better it only gets worse. Like you said he did you a favor, run with it.

Action
thank you for this. I am sorry that it was the case for you, and it’s great that you managed to get out eventually. I can only imagine the effort you had to put into that. Well done. You are strong.
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Old 05-01-2019, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by thegrasshopper View Post
For me I think, as I don’t have experience in this, it may seem that somehow he IS different and can make it on his own, or that eventually he will go to a meeting, he is so smart and so convincing about everything, I guess I am being delusional and trying to find excuses for his behaviour. Same as he finds excuses why he would drink or why he won’t go to therapy. I know this is where I go wrong
Yes, this is where you are going wrong. Imagine you have an addiction you need to hide, what skills do you need? You need to be able to put on a mask at the drop of a hat. To act "normal".

Also, you may not even know when he has been drinking. There is a reason he drinks vodka, it's a common choice for alcoholics as vodka has less odour than other alcohol. Once tolerance is built, he can probably drink quite a bit without looking drunk. A few sips here, a cup here or there.

He doesn't seek help or therapy because he isn't finished drinking probably. He may be able to quit for a few weeks, if he really has, but that doesn't mean he is no longer an addict. Being an alcoholic is forever, he has to chose to seek recovery and it's an ongoing thing.

He has treated you badly, yet you continue to give him your support in conversations. That's not good for you.

Have you checked out Al-Anon at all? Sometimes face to face support can be really helpful, there may even be a meeting tonight you could join.

Good example here of when "high functioning" eventually becomes non-functioning:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...t-go-back.html (I try to forgive myself, but it’s so hard. I need to stand firm and not go back!)
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Old 05-01-2019, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by djlook View Post
Hello, thegrasshopper.

Reading your post gave me cold chills. I was in a relationship with a man identical to him for five years and it almost killed me. When I would see his number on the caller ID, I'd start trembling in fear. I went to a couple of psychiatrists, Al-Anon, therapists, church, anything, to make the obsession go away. What I did learn in Al-Anon was I was as obsessed with him as he was a drink. I'd tell myself I was not going to contact him, I would contact him only as a friend. I had a complete nervous breakdown and ended up addicted to prescription pills. The doctors had me on so much medication I would go into blackouts and disappear for weeks at a time.

I can't even talk about this anymore. I have post-traumatic stress from the whole ordeal. The only "advice" I would give you is run like hell.

Thank you for this. It did cross my mind that he is like an addiction to me, I know I should not talk to him and have him in my life, but cannot stop myself at the same time. A lot of people tell me that alcoholics have this in them, to manipulate others like that.
I am glad you managed to escape from him and his influence. I hope with time things get better for you.
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Old 05-01-2019, 03:31 PM
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I have a wonderful husband who treats me with the respect I deserve. We've been married for 19 wonderful years.
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Old 05-01-2019, 03:32 PM
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I hope you are not involved with my XAH- sure sounds like him. I thought and felt like you for 33 years. he did this but... he is so nice sometimes. He is successful, smart, and attractive. And a lying, manipulative abusive alcoholic. I should have stopped making excuses for his behavior and wised up long ago. Run!
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Old 05-01-2019, 03:34 PM
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[QUOTE=trailmix;7176263]Yes, this is where you are going wrong. Imagine you have an addiction you need to hide, what skills do you need? You need to be able to put on a mask at the drop of a hat. To act "normal".

Also, you may not even know when he has been drinking. There is a reason he drinks vodka, it's a common choice for alcoholics as vodka has less odour than other alcohol. Once tolerance is built, he can probably drink quite a bit without looking drunk. A few sips here, a cup here or there.


I did not know that. I did smell alcohol in his breath at work a few times before I knew, but because he always said how he never drinks at all I just never believed my own senses! Now I see hoe he deceives everyone. He makes him look like this perfect guy who doesn't even like alcohol. No one would ever accuse him of anything.
All the time that we have ever been together he was under influence. I owuld like to understand though - does an alcoholic feel drunk, like I would feel if I had a lot to drink? What state was he in during the day, after having had a few shots in the morning to keep him going? He would never appear drunk, but he surely was in an altered state? And he would drive too! I just don't understand how one doesn't appear drunk if they have had so much to drink.. Sorry if this is naive.


Have you checked out Al-Anon at all? Sometimes face to face support can be really helpful, there may even be a meeting tonight you could join.


Yes, I have gone to one meeting and I am planning to continue. I am in the UK and it's almost midnight so probably not tonight ;-)


Good example here of when "high functioning" eventually becomes non-functioning:


See, my immediate thought is: "I should send this to him, maybe it'll help him"... Wrong, wrong, wrong!
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Old 05-01-2019, 04:00 PM
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grasshopper......you seem to have a high tolerance for bad behavior in a partner. You say that he treated you like a "Queen".....
I must tell you, that, while I was reading that...I thought, to myself...."Grasshopper doesn't have any idea how a real queen gets treated"....

Grasshopper....maybe, give some thought about where your tolerance for "weird", "odd" and bad behavior comes from....what is up with that?
Compulsively buying gifts and promising unrealistic things are very strong red flags....
What examples of how a woman should be treated, in a relationship, did you have, growing up...?
If a person is starving...even an old moldy sandwich can look like a feast....lol...

If the breakup was recent, you are, likely, in the grieving process...and, talking to him, has kept the grieving back at square one....
It can take several weeks to several months to get over the obsessive thoughts that accompany grieving....the one year mark is a time when it takes it's place in the rear-view mirror....

I once worked with a surgeon who was very skilled and well known in my city....He could be pleasant at work and was attractive. He killed his wife by hitting her in the head, in the hallway of their very beautiful home....because he suspected that she might be cheating (that was never proven)….He is, now, serving a life sentence in prison.....
You can't tell everything about a person by their outward appearance to the rest of the world.....
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Old 05-01-2019, 04:50 PM
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“You are absolutely right. All I do is try to keep him happy so that he treats me well. I made the list by the way.. with each point I wanted to add “,but...” so I obviously am trying to justify every horrible thing that he is or does... honestly there is something wrong with me.”

I was there until a few weeks ago. But what kind of life is it that you’re living your life for someone who can change at the drop of a hat. What kind of life do you want that you’re saying, essentially, you’re constantly walking on eggshells so that you don’t p*ss him off!?

Many “high functioning” As, like my AH can be super charming and really do well in other aspects of life. My AH is nice and wonderful at times especially with acquaintances and friends who are not close, and horrible at others. I was constantly fearful of saying or doing the “wrong” thing. I hope you can liberate yourself from that terrible burden.
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Old 05-01-2019, 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by thegrasshopper View Post
What state was he in during the day, after having had a few shots in the morning to keep him going? He would never appear drunk, but he surely was in an altered state? And he would drive too! I just don't understand how one doesn't appear drunk if they have had so much to drink.. Sorry if this is naive.
No, not naive at all, alcoholism isn't something we are taught, it's pretty much something we learn about when we have to/want to.

When you use a drug, pretty much any drug, whether that is heroin or alcohol, eventually you build up a tolerance to it. You need more and more to get high.

For him 2 shots would be almost nothing, just enough to stop the withdrawal for the morning. Does that make him impaired? If he took two shots and walked out the door to work, possibly he could be over the legal limit to drive, depending on your laws.

The alcohol is still in the blood stream like it is for anyone, it's the way it affects his brain that would be different. If I had 2 shots right now I would definitely be tipsy as would most people who don't drink very often. He might have 4 drinks in half an hour and appear completely normal, but you or I would not because we haven't developed that tolerance.
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Old 05-01-2019, 10:58 PM
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welcome and sorry you have to be here but at last you will find the support you need. My ex to whom I was married for 12 years and together for 16 was a very generous and kind soul. I knew he drank more than he probably should but he had a professional job that he was successful at and would never get drunk at functions. I learned that high functioning mostly means they are functioning for the outside world, at their job and with others, but really at home where they are comfortable they stop functioning, especially on an emotional level. They are very good at hiding it. No one knew my ex was an alcoholic, not even his grown child who lived with us for almost a year nor his youngest niece (who was 16 at the time) whom we raised. The last couple of years he would drink too much at a party from time to time but so do non alcoholics. Like other said, run for the hills. It will only get worse. My ex quit several times, once for 13 months. But he just white knuckled it and didn’t get treatment so he relapsed. So he may have stopped but recovery is so much more than just quitting. Most people can’t just quit without outside help. My ex did get clean but it came too late for me. Too much damage was done and I just really quit loving him. Had he done this 2 years prior we might ahve survived but the last 2 years did me in, he is still a good person and he did not want to divorce. But he has changed (he needed to in order to stay clean) and so did I (needed to be done with my codependence issue ). And I had too much resentment.
You have very little invested, you don’t live together, have no kids etc. Unless he truly seeks recovery he won’t stay clean more than likely and he found someone else because they don’t know him. As far as you thinking you know the real him....you don’t. You know the alcoholic him and you that he is an alcoholic. But that is where it stops. You have no idea what he would be like if he truly quit drinking. Overall my ex is a good person and kind, he just isn’t for me anymore. He is not the person I fell in love with.
You shouldn’t need therapy in order to be dating someone. If you need therapy before you are really in a committed long term relationship then that should be a red flag. I agree that therapy and alanon are probably still a very good idea for you, not to save this relationship but from you ending up in a similar codependent relationship (doesn’t even need to be with an addict, my friend is ina very codependent relationship and there are no substances involved, my first marriage was also like that so codependency does not necessarily mean you are involved with someone who is an addict).
I had weekly therapy for 2 years and a lot of that was me dealing with my codependent ways, it takes time to unlearn that as well.
Anyway, good luck with everything, keep coming back here, there is lots of good info.
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Old 05-02-2019, 06:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo View Post
You have very little invested, you don’t live together, have no kids etc. Unless he truly seeks recovery he won’t stay clean more than likely and he found someone else because they don’t know him. As far as you thinking you know the real him....you don’t. You know the alcoholic him and you that he is an alcoholic. But that is where it stops. You have no idea what he would be like if he truly quit drinking. Overall my ex is a good person and kind, he just isn’t for me anymore. He is not the person I fell in love with.


Thanks for this. I will keep reading that over and over again. It really does help to think that it's only my imagination that makes him look so perfect. You are right, I do only know the alcoholic him and that he is an alcoholic and as such it's like he isn't even his own person.. I sometimes feel that the more I talk to him the more I see it.
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Old 05-02-2019, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Piperdream View Post
“You are absolutely right. All I do is try to keep him happy so that he treats me well. I made the list by the way.. with each point I wanted to add “,but...” so I obviously am trying to justify every horrible thing that he is or does... honestly there is something wrong with me.”

I was there until a few weeks ago. But what kind of life is it that you’re living your life for someone who can change at the drop of a hat. What kind of life do you want that you’re saying, essentially, you’re constantly walking on eggshells so that you don’t p*ss him off!?

Many “high functioning” As, like my AH can be super charming and really do well in other aspects of life. My AH is nice and wonderful at times especially with acquaintances and friends who are not close, and horrible at others. I was constantly fearful of saying or doing the “wrong” thing. I hope you can liberate yourself from that terrible burden.
this is exactly it. In my sick head I just still think that the good things about him outweight the drinking and that it's the good things that make him who REALLY is!
But I guess it's because I don't really know him or understand what his drinking would mean for me. As i said in the beginning I have never had any dealing with an alcoholic before..

My mother was always very submissive to my father and she would do anything to please him, not that he would appreciate it,, everything revolved around him and he was the most important person in the house. I wonder if that has anything to do with fact that I have gotten into this whole mess in the first place and can't seem to be able to get out
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Old 05-02-2019, 07:17 AM
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Originally Posted by thegrasshopper View Post
My mother was always very submissive to my father and she would do anything to please him, not that he would appreciate it,, everything revolved around him and he was the most important person in the house. I wonder if that has anything to do with fact that I have gotten into this whole mess in the first place and can't seem to be able to get out
Absolutely yes.

We are all a product of our environment. We live what we know, until we know better, and then we do better. I'm living proof of that.
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