Let myself and my guard down
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
Let myself and my guard down
Hi everyone
I was doing so well and then I fell into that trap that's so common of forgetting how bad things were and romanticising alcohol.. I've been on holiday for a week and drank every night for 10 nights. Tonight is my first sober night. I've noticed how much I have declined mentally and physically in those 10 days. 10 days ago I was in the best mental and physical shape I think I have ever felt in my adult life. I had zero anxiety, bags of energy and everything was amazing. I had an appreciation for life.
Today I have been an anxious mess.. I've been nervous and on edge all day. Every little thing has been stressing me out at work. I feel paranoid constantly. I've went from being confident about my size to puffy and bloated in a week.
This shows how much it can creep up on you. All I want to do is have a drink to make the anxiety go away temporarily but I won't. I just want to go back to the way I felt before. I'm so angry at myself for letting myself get this way. I'm not in major withdrawal or anything like that because I didn't go overboard or let myself get to the point I was dependent. It's mostly just been a few drinks every night but I feel like it has caused such a decline
Gutted I'm back to day 1
lots of water today and just trying to get through without having a meltdown.
I was doing so well and then I fell into that trap that's so common of forgetting how bad things were and romanticising alcohol.. I've been on holiday for a week and drank every night for 10 nights. Tonight is my first sober night. I've noticed how much I have declined mentally and physically in those 10 days. 10 days ago I was in the best mental and physical shape I think I have ever felt in my adult life. I had zero anxiety, bags of energy and everything was amazing. I had an appreciation for life.
Today I have been an anxious mess.. I've been nervous and on edge all day. Every little thing has been stressing me out at work. I feel paranoid constantly. I've went from being confident about my size to puffy and bloated in a week.
This shows how much it can creep up on you. All I want to do is have a drink to make the anxiety go away temporarily but I won't. I just want to go back to the way I felt before. I'm so angry at myself for letting myself get this way. I'm not in major withdrawal or anything like that because I didn't go overboard or let myself get to the point I was dependent. It's mostly just been a few drinks every night but I feel like it has caused such a decline
Gutted I'm back to day 1
lots of water today and just trying to get through without having a meltdown.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad, but I know you can get back to your recovery work. It might be helpful to try to understand why you decided to drink. Did it have to do with being on holiday and not working? If so, then you can prepare yourself for the next time that will happen.
Be kind to yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I'm glad you're back on day one noaddedsugar.
For me I had to reach a point where I couldn't ignore the evidence - as much as I wanted to believe this time would be different, intellectually I know it would not be - and that's the part you have to nourish and expand.
Its difficult to do when all you can remember emotionally is the pleasure, but do try and play that tape forward to the end.
Remember the consequences. Hard to do at first but easier with practice
Going back to drinking is going back to the thing that bought us here to SR.
Nothing changes- except to get worse.
Look at what you had been doing to stay sober - think of what else you can add this time
D
For me I had to reach a point where I couldn't ignore the evidence - as much as I wanted to believe this time would be different, intellectually I know it would not be - and that's the part you have to nourish and expand.
Its difficult to do when all you can remember emotionally is the pleasure, but do try and play that tape forward to the end.
Remember the consequences. Hard to do at first but easier with practice
Going back to drinking is going back to the thing that bought us here to SR.
Nothing changes- except to get worse.
Look at what you had been doing to stay sober - think of what else you can add this time
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
I am on day 4 and just came through the insomnia and anxiety. It's these two things that make coming off a bender so hard because I know a few beers will provide instant relief. I ran out of money before the weekend so I was forced to sober up. I have no urge to drink now and am ready for another go at sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by Anna 
I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad, but I know you can get back to your recovery work. It might be helpful to try to understand why you decided to drink. Did it have to do with being on holiday and not working? If so, then you can prepare yourself for the next time that will happen.
Be kind to yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
I do know I can get back to a place of being truly happy because I have been when I've been sober and I didn't think it was possible in the past.
Originally Posted by Dee74
Its difficult to do when all you can remember emotionally is the pleasure, but do try and play that tape forward to the end.
Remember the consequences. Hard to do at first but easier with practice
D
Remember the consequences. Hard to do at first but easier with practice
D
Yeah what's left at the end isn't pretty. It will never be different for me. I'm learning that and I've experienced such good times being sober now the worst thing I could ever do would be to start the past cycle I was on again.
Gonna stay close to SR from now on
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Your post is making me reconsider planning a holiday. In about 10 days I'll be 8 months sober, but I've been here before and relapsed while dating someone new....I'm worried a holiday could trigger a relapse also.
I'm sorry you're suffering, but thank you for posting. This has made me stop and think about my own issues surrounding a holiday trip. I see here that others have relapsed while on vacation, you're not alone.
I'm sorry you're suffering, but thank you for posting. This has made me stop and think about my own issues surrounding a holiday trip. I see here that others have relapsed while on vacation, you're not alone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Noadded - I did that once too. Something good came out of it though. I never drank again. I proved to myself that there was nothing in it for me anymore. Just misery & regret. Congrats on starting again. You will do it!
Sick n tired
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
Take the lesson. This has shown you how alcohol causes a negative decline in your life. Now back on to your recovery and be kind to yourself. This is the blind spot isn’t it when we think it’s ok to have a few we forget easily how it’s a huge depressant
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Noaddedsugar- glad you made it back to us.
Wildflower- most people around here know what I will say: do not go. That's a long time, it's tough to plan for that much time IMO, and you mentioned previous relapse in this kind of situation. If sobriety is most important, my experience is doing whatever most benefits that outcome is always the better choice than anything that might risk it.
Wildflower- most people around here know what I will say: do not go. That's a long time, it's tough to plan for that much time IMO, and you mentioned previous relapse in this kind of situation. If sobriety is most important, my experience is doing whatever most benefits that outcome is always the better choice than anything that might risk it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Thanks for sharing. Your post has helped keep me sober today. I cannot afford to ever let my guard down, or be complacent because I am an alcoholic and I have complete acceptance around that today. I cannot drink. Period. Ever. That isn't to say the thoughts dont come. They do. But I have to use everything in my tool box to not act on them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Originally Posted by Dee74
with a good plan and access to support there's really no reason why any change of scene should be a problem WF
D
D
I'm curious noaddedsugar....what type of vacation did you go on?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
