Is this typical?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 1
Is this typical?
My BF and I have been together 9 years. I was dumb and thought my love would love him out of his need for it...yeah, I really thought he just needed a good woman. After 3 years of dating, then 3 of living together, I moved out into my own house bc I couldnt take it any more. It was easier to take when I didn't have to be around it every day.
He has alienated a lot of people, but managed to land a really great job that he is excelling in. He now drinks more on the weekend-no work...but time with me. His health is showing signs of the alcohol (weight, blood pressure). He is rarely affectionate other than the act of sex. Any time issues like these comes up 'now you're gonna blame my drinking for THAT'. Ummm yeah, I am LOL. How could I not ....it influences EVERYTHING.
Recently in counseling I said that we NEED to talk about the alcohol and since then he has been angrier than normal. I can almost taste it in the air-general negativity about EVERYthing (other than work). He has agreed to stay with counseling-even tho I have brought the alcohol up AND the counselor is moving farther away. I have not had any alcohol in his company for the past 2 weekends. I don't think he is liking that either. He needs it to be comfortable, and is 'walking on eggshells'....I think bc it makes it so obvious that there is a problem.
Has anyone ACTUALLY gotten a person to get help? He is a great person once you get past all of this BS. I know he loves me. I understand how his relationship with alcohol started and why he cant fathom a life without it. I can't imagine losing him to this, but I can't spend the rest of my life like this either.
He either doesn't see what it is doing, or he denies that it's what it is....I am not right about everything, but I know when I am feeling crazy-it's the alcoholic mind of his twisting everything around. Because one time he was talking about how it was raining...and I went outside and came in....DRY. He'll still argue that it's raining.....Sometimes I swear he really wants to be alone...he has successfully pushed everyone away. The softie in me says 'that's because he is hurting so badly'. But now, so am I. If I can only save one person, it's going to be me. I'd like him to be able to save himself....with a hell of a lot of help OTHER than from me.
I have recently begun going to Al-anon but I don't have a sponsor yet.
He has alienated a lot of people, but managed to land a really great job that he is excelling in. He now drinks more on the weekend-no work...but time with me. His health is showing signs of the alcohol (weight, blood pressure). He is rarely affectionate other than the act of sex. Any time issues like these comes up 'now you're gonna blame my drinking for THAT'. Ummm yeah, I am LOL. How could I not ....it influences EVERYTHING.
Recently in counseling I said that we NEED to talk about the alcohol and since then he has been angrier than normal. I can almost taste it in the air-general negativity about EVERYthing (other than work). He has agreed to stay with counseling-even tho I have brought the alcohol up AND the counselor is moving farther away. I have not had any alcohol in his company for the past 2 weekends. I don't think he is liking that either. He needs it to be comfortable, and is 'walking on eggshells'....I think bc it makes it so obvious that there is a problem.
Has anyone ACTUALLY gotten a person to get help? He is a great person once you get past all of this BS. I know he loves me. I understand how his relationship with alcohol started and why he cant fathom a life without it. I can't imagine losing him to this, but I can't spend the rest of my life like this either.
He either doesn't see what it is doing, or he denies that it's what it is....I am not right about everything, but I know when I am feeling crazy-it's the alcoholic mind of his twisting everything around. Because one time he was talking about how it was raining...and I went outside and came in....DRY. He'll still argue that it's raining.....Sometimes I swear he really wants to be alone...he has successfully pushed everyone away. The softie in me says 'that's because he is hurting so badly'. But now, so am I. If I can only save one person, it's going to be me. I'd like him to be able to save himself....with a hell of a lot of help OTHER than from me.
I have recently begun going to Al-anon but I don't have a sponsor yet.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Welcome,
Yes, it's usual for alcoholics to push people away, especially people who don't want them to drink. And, yes, denial is a huge part of alcoholism. You simply can't make someone get help for alcoholism. It's something that your boyfriend will have to want and to decide on his own.
I am glad that you have found AlAnon as a support for you.
Yes, it's usual for alcoholics to push people away, especially people who don't want them to drink. And, yes, denial is a huge part of alcoholism. You simply can't make someone get help for alcoholism. It's something that your boyfriend will have to want and to decide on his own.
I am glad that you have found AlAnon as a support for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
Your boyfriend sounds a lot like me only I am more advanced into the progression of alcoholism. I already lost everything including the job, the girlfriend, and my health. Then I got help in rehab. Although, I wasn't in denial. I just needed professional help.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
It sounds like you have a good man, but a sick man. Alcoholism is sometimes called the family disease. The alcoholic is not the only one who suffers and perhaps the hardest thing for loved ones to accept is their absolute inability to fix the problem, even though they try their very best.
I think you made a good move going to Alanon. Good for you and potentially good for your partner. I have heard more than a few sober AA members talk about how something changed when their partners began living the Alanon program.
One member said "When the wife went to Alanaon, my life changed". We laugh about that because it wasn't that she suddenly found a cure for him, it was that she suddenly found a way to live unaffected by his antics, and that caused him to begin questioning his own behaviour. So there is hope.
I think you made a good move going to Alanon. Good for you and potentially good for your partner. I have heard more than a few sober AA members talk about how something changed when their partners began living the Alanon program.
One member said "When the wife went to Alanaon, my life changed". We laugh about that because it wasn't that she suddenly found a cure for him, it was that she suddenly found a way to live unaffected by his antics, and that caused him to begin questioning his own behaviour. So there is hope.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
I don't know about typical, but I don't think alcoholic relationships such as this are uncommon. I'm not sure that asking if it's typical is the right question, although I suspect that you just hit upon that as a workable title for your thread.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 7
I married an addict and a few years in, it became so painful that I began to drink to cope with the insanity. Before I began drinking I tried several different ways to try and control his use, begging, threatening to leave, withholding affection...all without resolve. I became an alcoholic myself and then eventually got treatment for myself only to realize that my initial "drug of choice" was him. Imagine my surprise. I had become so preoccupied with him and his behavior I had forgot about myself. Alanon was my saving grace. Im so glad you are reaching out for support.
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