Why is my bf lying about which day is day 90 for him?
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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Why is my bf lying about which day is day 90 for him?
My boyfriend of 3.5 years is an alcoholic. This winter he started to attend AA. I wish I remembered which day he started. I recall him drinking in early January, but he stopped at some point shortly after the start of the year. As far as I know, he hasn't drank since then. We both work from home, so he is definitely not day drinking either.
He has been doing 90 in 90. Last night, he was at an AA meeting for over 3.5 hours. I don't know of any AA meetings that last over 1.5 hours in my area. Sometimes he says he goes to meetings that I can't even find online as happening. Does anyone know how accurate the AA meetings site is? And even sometimes he will tell me that he is going to a meeting that is literally right up the street less than a mile away but it will take him forever to get home. I have even gone so far as to drive by where it is supposed to be, and I never see any cars at all parked in the church lot, as if a meeting isn't even happening.
Last night he said he was sorry for coming home late and the meeting went longer than expected. (For the record I never say anything about him to this because I am happy he is in meetings. I am supportive and have kept my suspicions and uneasyness to myself) He said to me he is almost at day 90. I honestly could have sworn he hit this milestone last week... I could have sworn that he came home late again from a meeting last week and complained that no one had a 90 day chip for him. I asked him what day he would be at day 90, and he said this coming Friday.
I looked back on the calendar and that would have been February 2nd for day 1. I remember this day, because my best friend was in town from the west coast, he definitely was not drinking at all that weekend. There really isn't any possible way that he could have been. All of us were literally together all weekend.
Why is he lying about his day 90?
To be honest, he has a history of cheating in the past and I suspect he is maybe cheating again, over drinking again at this point.
And if he isn't, why is he lying about something that is relatively insignificant? I really know his day one was not February 2nd it was earlier than that.
And perhaps insignificant is a bad word to describe his day 90, but hopefully you all know what I mean by the context of my post.
He has been doing 90 in 90. Last night, he was at an AA meeting for over 3.5 hours. I don't know of any AA meetings that last over 1.5 hours in my area. Sometimes he says he goes to meetings that I can't even find online as happening. Does anyone know how accurate the AA meetings site is? And even sometimes he will tell me that he is going to a meeting that is literally right up the street less than a mile away but it will take him forever to get home. I have even gone so far as to drive by where it is supposed to be, and I never see any cars at all parked in the church lot, as if a meeting isn't even happening.
Last night he said he was sorry for coming home late and the meeting went longer than expected. (For the record I never say anything about him to this because I am happy he is in meetings. I am supportive and have kept my suspicions and uneasyness to myself) He said to me he is almost at day 90. I honestly could have sworn he hit this milestone last week... I could have sworn that he came home late again from a meeting last week and complained that no one had a 90 day chip for him. I asked him what day he would be at day 90, and he said this coming Friday.
I looked back on the calendar and that would have been February 2nd for day 1. I remember this day, because my best friend was in town from the west coast, he definitely was not drinking at all that weekend. There really isn't any possible way that he could have been. All of us were literally together all weekend.
Why is he lying about his day 90?
To be honest, he has a history of cheating in the past and I suspect he is maybe cheating again, over drinking again at this point.
And if he isn't, why is he lying about something that is relatively insignificant? I really know his day one was not February 2nd it was earlier than that.
And perhaps insignificant is a bad word to describe his day 90, but hopefully you all know what I mean by the context of my post.
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Welcome to Soberrecovery Kayvani. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is beyond difficult. Actually being in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic might be even more difficult. I hope you find lots of support here.
I'm a bit confused but it sounds like you think your bf is seeing someone else and using AA meetings as an excuse to meet up with her? That really sucks. One thing I've heard is that "if a drunk horse thief gets sober, you just have a sober horse thief." If your bf is a cheater and gets sober, he will probably still be a cheater. You can expect that more will be revealed both around his drinking and his fidelity or rather, lack of fidelity. Ugh. This must be so very very painful.
One thing we advise is that you get support for yourself and learn to "stay on your side of the street". For most of us, this is a huge challenge. We naturally want to think about the alcoholic and his/her problems/recovery/drinking. This is not helpful for anyone involved. The alcoholic's recovery is his/her business. Whether your qualifier (alcoholic boyfriend) has been sober 100 days, 90 days or 90 years is not something for you to think about.
I would really encourage you to give an Alanon meeting a try as well as find the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. These resources can help you clarify what you need and want for your own life. You can figure out if you really want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust. Also you can figure out how worth while it is to stay with your bf with the possibility of relapse. This is so not not not fun to think about but may be vital for your future happiness. Some people stay and some don't but it is good to figure out what you are in for in the long run.
I'm a bit confused but it sounds like you think your bf is seeing someone else and using AA meetings as an excuse to meet up with her? That really sucks. One thing I've heard is that "if a drunk horse thief gets sober, you just have a sober horse thief." If your bf is a cheater and gets sober, he will probably still be a cheater. You can expect that more will be revealed both around his drinking and his fidelity or rather, lack of fidelity. Ugh. This must be so very very painful.
One thing we advise is that you get support for yourself and learn to "stay on your side of the street". For most of us, this is a huge challenge. We naturally want to think about the alcoholic and his/her problems/recovery/drinking. This is not helpful for anyone involved. The alcoholic's recovery is his/her business. Whether your qualifier (alcoholic boyfriend) has been sober 100 days, 90 days or 90 years is not something for you to think about.
I would really encourage you to give an Alanon meeting a try as well as find the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. These resources can help you clarify what you need and want for your own life. You can figure out if you really want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust. Also you can figure out how worth while it is to stay with your bf with the possibility of relapse. This is so not not not fun to think about but may be vital for your future happiness. Some people stay and some don't but it is good to figure out what you are in for in the long run.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi Kayvani and welcome.
I took your comment to mean cheating at drinking in the past? Drinking when he says he is not rather than cheating with someone else?
There is definitely a lot of lying going on here. He is not where he says he is going to be, where is he?
I don't really understand why you aren't asking him? You mentioned it is because you are just happy he is going to meetings. Is he? Has he ever gone to any? Maybe he is going to some and actually plans on going to one on Friday so he can collect his chip.
So where is he the rest of the time? No way to say what's up here, only he knows.
Sorry this is happening to you, must be quite frustrating and scary.
I took your comment to mean cheating at drinking in the past? Drinking when he says he is not rather than cheating with someone else?
There is definitely a lot of lying going on here. He is not where he says he is going to be, where is he?
I don't really understand why you aren't asking him? You mentioned it is because you are just happy he is going to meetings. Is he? Has he ever gone to any? Maybe he is going to some and actually plans on going to one on Friday so he can collect his chip.
So where is he the rest of the time? No way to say what's up here, only he knows.
Sorry this is happening to you, must be quite frustrating and scary.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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I think he definitely is going to meetings. He just came home with an AA mug. I hear him calling his sponser. I just don't know why he is gone sometimes for 4 hours when he is supposed to be at a meeting? I also wonder why he says he is at a particular meeting in a particular place, but I drive by and there's no cars, and I don't see it on the AA schedule. I guess I just have a HUGE issue with trust, or lack there of...I will look into that book.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Well that's good that he is at least attending meetings.
I don't understand why you don't ask him about the lying though. It's one thing to mind your own business about his recovery, it's another to ask about a blatant lie.
I don't understand why you don't ask him about the lying though. It's one thing to mind your own business about his recovery, it's another to ask about a blatant lie.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by Kayvani 
I guess I just have a HUGE issue with trust, or lack there of...
4 hours is a long time to disappear. And you seem to have evidence that he is lying about where he is. I agree with Trailmix, it's good to mind your own business about his recovery, and I also think it is good to be independent, but lying is not cool. You teach people how to treat you, and if you accept lies from people who you are intimate with, they will continue and will get worse.
I have a feeling that you don't want to raise the matter with your boyfriend because you are afraid of upsetting the status quo. But is this status quo really worth preserving?
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Why are you with him? What are you getting out of the relationship? Sounds like a lot of heartbreak.
I asked myself this question this morning. Its a really confronting one. Scared to leave, scared and miserable to stay.
I asked myself this question this morning. Its a really confronting one. Scared to leave, scared and miserable to stay.
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http://www.al-anon.org/
In person meetings can jump start our own recovery. Alcoholism is a family disease that changes the dynamics in many ways.
I found that getting into my own recovery program naturally answered questions I didn't even knew I had.
Welcome to SR, Kayvani. I'm glad you're here.
In person meetings can jump start our own recovery. Alcoholism is a family disease that changes the dynamics in many ways.
I found that getting into my own recovery program naturally answered questions I didn't even knew I had.
Welcome to SR, Kayvani. I'm glad you're here.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 23
Hi Kayvani -
Reading your post reminded me so much of my RAH when he was actively drinking, but trying to hide it. He would do the same thing, say he was going to a meeting, but be very late coming home. Or he would say he was going to a meeting, something in my gut would tell me something wasn't right and I would look up the meeting to find that it didn't exist. In my opinion, if you're feeling so uneasy that you're driving to a meeting location and there is no one there, then he's either drinking or doing something else you're not okay with. All this is to say, from my experience, if your gut says that he wasn't at a meeting, he wasn't.
Now the question is, what will you do with this information? For me, I lied to myself for about 6 months and he ended up unraveling himself enough that made me see straight. I would recommend reading up on addiction and detachment. I would also recommend AlAnon, but what helped me a LOT during that time of denial was a therapist who specialized in addiction. She helped me to work through my "gut feelings" and setting boundaries for myself.
Feel free to PM with questions. Good luck!
Reading your post reminded me so much of my RAH when he was actively drinking, but trying to hide it. He would do the same thing, say he was going to a meeting, but be very late coming home. Or he would say he was going to a meeting, something in my gut would tell me something wasn't right and I would look up the meeting to find that it didn't exist. In my opinion, if you're feeling so uneasy that you're driving to a meeting location and there is no one there, then he's either drinking or doing something else you're not okay with. All this is to say, from my experience, if your gut says that he wasn't at a meeting, he wasn't.
Now the question is, what will you do with this information? For me, I lied to myself for about 6 months and he ended up unraveling himself enough that made me see straight. I would recommend reading up on addiction and detachment. I would also recommend AlAnon, but what helped me a LOT during that time of denial was a therapist who specialized in addiction. She helped me to work through my "gut feelings" and setting boundaries for myself.
Feel free to PM with questions. Good luck!
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Hi there- and I'm piping in with some thoughts as the alcoholic.
It's up to me, and only me, to stay sober. I know my sobriety date (2/21/16) as most people I've met do - and I counted days for a very long time. Some people I have met don't count days - others have different reasons for not telling people what it is. This is about to go to my big point -
It's not up to you to count his days, drive to meetings, or in any other way you mention monitor or try to control what he is doing. In fact, it's wrong.
Trust must be earned back, but here are a few things about my experience in AA that I'd share:
Many online meeting lists are outdated. Even at the biggest clubhouse I go to, it's not always right. There is likely an AA hotline in your area that would (should) have the most correct info. Any group within any clubhouse can change their day of the week, time, frequency, as they want.
- that said, he should be able to tell you which he is going to and when. Some are 45 min and some an hour, for example, around here.
There is a saying and an encouraged habit: stay for the meeting after the meeting. This could be what he is doing - many people with a lot of sobriety encourage new people to stay and talk about [ ] after because it's outside the scope of the meeting.
Also, if he has a sponsor that could be what he is doing after.
We are encouraged to get numbers so we have people to call, text, or spend time with as we get and stay sober. It's generally best to stick to same sex people, especially at the beginning.
Again, trust has to be re-earned and that takes time. I'm also separating his recovery from the other trust issues you mention, if that's what you meant by cheating.
There are very basic things that he should be willing to tell you - like when the meeting is and if he is going to get or has a sponsor. I didn't get one til day 97 and I "did 90/90" but I think it was actually about 82 in 90 and I always answered questions about where I was, if in fact my parents weren't driving me (I didn't have a car).
My mom still thinks my sobriety date is 2/22/16 and I swear each of my 3 yr anniversaries she's had to re-confirm. It was definitely out of fear at first and now we laugh that she never remembers.
Like said above- alcoholism is a family disease, meaning it affects both/all people in a relationship. I would strongly suggest you go to Al Anon. Other ways of taking care of yourself could include reading up on what AA is all about, especially if he is indeed attending and is sober - and yet not comfortable telling you about it.
Last comment- sometimes people go and sit and can't bring themselves to go into a meeting. It's pretty common, actually, and usually stops if they are indeed committed to going.
None of this is easy, for the alcoholic or the SO....my support to you and hope that each of you begins and stays in a process of recovery. That will make it possible to make honest decisions about your relationship, whatever they are.
Take care of YOU.
It's up to me, and only me, to stay sober. I know my sobriety date (2/21/16) as most people I've met do - and I counted days for a very long time. Some people I have met don't count days - others have different reasons for not telling people what it is. This is about to go to my big point -
It's not up to you to count his days, drive to meetings, or in any other way you mention monitor or try to control what he is doing. In fact, it's wrong.
Trust must be earned back, but here are a few things about my experience in AA that I'd share:
Many online meeting lists are outdated. Even at the biggest clubhouse I go to, it's not always right. There is likely an AA hotline in your area that would (should) have the most correct info. Any group within any clubhouse can change their day of the week, time, frequency, as they want.
- that said, he should be able to tell you which he is going to and when. Some are 45 min and some an hour, for example, around here.
There is a saying and an encouraged habit: stay for the meeting after the meeting. This could be what he is doing - many people with a lot of sobriety encourage new people to stay and talk about [ ] after because it's outside the scope of the meeting.
Also, if he has a sponsor that could be what he is doing after.
We are encouraged to get numbers so we have people to call, text, or spend time with as we get and stay sober. It's generally best to stick to same sex people, especially at the beginning.
Again, trust has to be re-earned and that takes time. I'm also separating his recovery from the other trust issues you mention, if that's what you meant by cheating.
There are very basic things that he should be willing to tell you - like when the meeting is and if he is going to get or has a sponsor. I didn't get one til day 97 and I "did 90/90" but I think it was actually about 82 in 90 and I always answered questions about where I was, if in fact my parents weren't driving me (I didn't have a car).
My mom still thinks my sobriety date is 2/22/16 and I swear each of my 3 yr anniversaries she's had to re-confirm. It was definitely out of fear at first and now we laugh that she never remembers.
Like said above- alcoholism is a family disease, meaning it affects both/all people in a relationship. I would strongly suggest you go to Al Anon. Other ways of taking care of yourself could include reading up on what AA is all about, especially if he is indeed attending and is sober - and yet not comfortable telling you about it.
Last comment- sometimes people go and sit and can't bring themselves to go into a meeting. It's pretty common, actually, and usually stops if they are indeed committed to going.
None of this is easy, for the alcoholic or the SO....my support to you and hope that each of you begins and stays in a process of recovery. That will make it possible to make honest decisions about your relationship, whatever they are.
Take care of YOU.
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