The Great Unraveling II
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The Great Unraveling II
Two years ago I posted The Great Unraveling here. It's kind of a status report on all the alcoholics in my life and me. I had said that our lives were held together, despite the alcohol, and two years ago, I started to feel that that ball of yarn was disintegrating.
Here's the update:
a) AH: we bought a small cabin on a lake January 2018. AH wanted to slow his drinking down, but surprise surprise it only escalated. We were to return back to our primary residence in October, but that was delayed because he fainted (he didn't pass out) at the wheel and ran into a ditch and we had to deal with his health and his car.
We wound up leaving the lake in November, a full month later, and he was clearly not well on that trip home. Extreme fatigue, weakness, shortness of breath. We got home at around 9pm, and at 3am, we went to the emergency room.
If I dwelled on the details this post would go on forever, so let me just say that this whole winter has been a revolving door of primary care, pulmonology, hematology, gastroenterology, hepatology, dermatology, pain management, interventional radiology for paracentesis, and infectious disease. He has advanced cirrhosis. His life totally unraveled October 23.
On a positive note, he stopped drinking on that date, and has been sober ever since. Despite the negative feelings of fear and self-recrimination, he's feeling pretty good after 5 months, as his cirrhosis is pretty stable. He still has pretty bad anemia, but his body is adapting and he said that yesterday was the first day all winter he forgot he's sick.
b) DS: He came to our house to help us go through stuff (we're downsizing), and he passed through the kitchen in the morning and had a seizure in the family room, and spent 3 days in the hospital. This was his third alcohol-withdrawal seizure over 3 years (he had cut back his drinking dramatically at our house in deference to his dad).
So now he's not drinking, but I doubt highly it will last. He feels cut off from friends and even dating. So, I'll take what I can get, but to say that I'm concerned about him long-term is an understatement. He's a good, kind, man.
c) AB, my brother is still going in an out of sobriety
d) ABIL, moved to the West Coast so I don't have to listen to his drunken stuff anymore (he was living with us all last year.
e) Me. This has been a truly stressful time but true to my emotional modus operandi, I've been soldiering on and trying to keep up the spirits of AH and AS. At the same time, my marriage has become close again. He thanks me every day for helping him, and as he gains strength to do things, he makes dinner, cleans the house, is catching up on projects that lay fallow for decades, and he's communicating welll--he's honest and self-reflective.
I have no questions for advice but I have enjoyed this forum for many years now, as a lurker most recently because I'm embarrassed that I was never able to put on my big girl panties and address some of this issues with tough decisions.
I guess my only words for those who are new to this board are:
a) Listen to the wisdom here
b) Alcohol will only unravel your life--you can NEVER keep it together indefinitely
c) Your life will pass by in a flash and if you give it away too easily by thinking "maybe next year he/she/things will be different, you may never get it back.
I do not judge my own life with regrets, because it's counterproductive, but I can say that alcohol ran the show, and it still does. I don't see any great endgame for my AH, AS, or AB. It's a horrible disease, and you really do have to stay as far from the sinkhole as you can.
Here's the update:
a) AH: we bought a small cabin on a lake January 2018. AH wanted to slow his drinking down, but surprise surprise it only escalated. We were to return back to our primary residence in October, but that was delayed because he fainted (he didn't pass out) at the wheel and ran into a ditch and we had to deal with his health and his car.
We wound up leaving the lake in November, a full month later, and he was clearly not well on that trip home. Extreme fatigue, weakness, shortness of breath. We got home at around 9pm, and at 3am, we went to the emergency room.
If I dwelled on the details this post would go on forever, so let me just say that this whole winter has been a revolving door of primary care, pulmonology, hematology, gastroenterology, hepatology, dermatology, pain management, interventional radiology for paracentesis, and infectious disease. He has advanced cirrhosis. His life totally unraveled October 23.
On a positive note, he stopped drinking on that date, and has been sober ever since. Despite the negative feelings of fear and self-recrimination, he's feeling pretty good after 5 months, as his cirrhosis is pretty stable. He still has pretty bad anemia, but his body is adapting and he said that yesterday was the first day all winter he forgot he's sick.
b) DS: He came to our house to help us go through stuff (we're downsizing), and he passed through the kitchen in the morning and had a seizure in the family room, and spent 3 days in the hospital. This was his third alcohol-withdrawal seizure over 3 years (he had cut back his drinking dramatically at our house in deference to his dad).
So now he's not drinking, but I doubt highly it will last. He feels cut off from friends and even dating. So, I'll take what I can get, but to say that I'm concerned about him long-term is an understatement. He's a good, kind, man.
c) AB, my brother is still going in an out of sobriety
d) ABIL, moved to the West Coast so I don't have to listen to his drunken stuff anymore (he was living with us all last year.
e) Me. This has been a truly stressful time but true to my emotional modus operandi, I've been soldiering on and trying to keep up the spirits of AH and AS. At the same time, my marriage has become close again. He thanks me every day for helping him, and as he gains strength to do things, he makes dinner, cleans the house, is catching up on projects that lay fallow for decades, and he's communicating welll--he's honest and self-reflective.
I have no questions for advice but I have enjoyed this forum for many years now, as a lurker most recently because I'm embarrassed that I was never able to put on my big girl panties and address some of this issues with tough decisions.
I guess my only words for those who are new to this board are:
a) Listen to the wisdom here
b) Alcohol will only unravel your life--you can NEVER keep it together indefinitely
c) Your life will pass by in a flash and if you give it away too easily by thinking "maybe next year he/she/things will be different, you may never get it back.
I do not judge my own life with regrets, because it's counterproductive, but I can say that alcohol ran the show, and it still does. I don't see any great endgame for my AH, AS, or AB. It's a horrible disease, and you really do have to stay as far from the sinkhole as you can.
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Originally Posted by SoloMio 
e) Me. This has been a truly stressful time but true to my emotional modus operandi, I've been soldiering on and trying to keep up the spirits of AH and AS.
Some things have really changed, I'm glad your AH has stopped drinking and that relationship is better, that's good for you.
Just wanted to say, not everyone chooses to leave or feels they can and that's ok, of course, but I do hope you are taking some time for yourself at least? Doing some things you like, time out for fun and relaxation?
Being a cheerleader is exhausting and you don't want to burn out.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Thank you for the update and for the wisdom of someone who really has been there. I'm glad your husband has stopped drinking and I hope that at least some of the damage to his health is reversible. I'm also glad that he is showing appreciation and respect to you. I'm really sorry to hear about the son, brother and brother in law. You have a pretty good idea of what is waiting down the road for them, and that must be very difficult knowledge to live with. I hope you have activities or friends or things you can do that will lift you out of Alcohol World, even if only for a temporary respite.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Thank you. Yes, I am doing what I can for self-care. I am involved in a Master Gardener's program (if any of you are gardeners you know what great therapy that is), and I LOVE the new cabin. And while I worry about AH's health, it's a different worry from the constant stress of dealing with drunken shenanigans. And my job keeps me very busy.
So, in spite of the situation, I'm in a pretty good place. Thanks for your hugs and support!
So, in spite of the situation, I'm in a pretty good place. Thanks for your hugs and support!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by Mango212
SoloMio,
What is a Master Gardener's program?
What is a Master Gardener's program?
The cost of the program is reasonable--only the cost of the materials, so the learning is a steal! You can't get a better education and chance to learn how to grow all kinds of things. I've always been a backyard gardener, but in a poke-and-hope way. Now I feel a little more confident in my knowledge as well as my instincts.
Here's a link if this would interest you. https://www.ahsgardening.org/gardeni...ster-gardeners
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