bmf1978

Hello,

My husband is an alcoholic. Among many other less serious issues, he was fired for cause yesterday after he returned to work from lunch black out drunk. We have two young children - 10 months and 2.5 years. Embarrassingly enough, I've been through this before. My first husband was an alcoholic with whom I did not have kids. I had no idea that current husband had such a problem until the last few months, when he got this new, stressful job and started drinking heavily, lying, etc. Here's the thing - if I could support myself and my kids financially, I would be out the door right now. But I can't. It's awful to say, but I care very little about what my husband needs right now. My priority is protecting my children. It would be to our advantage for him to "get better" and be able to find another job - whether we stay married or not. He is seeing a therapist since another incident a couple of months ago, but he has never been to an AA meeting. I have no reason to believe that he has or that he will stop drinking, especially now that he is unemployed. Should I tell him that he needs to go to rehab or else I'm leaving? Or is that just pointless in a situation like this? Should I give him some time to try AA? What does one do in this situation? I want to get my kids out of there, but I don't really have anywhere to go.

August252015

I'm sorry for your situation. I'm of the opinion (as the alcoholic) that ultimatums don't work. Even decades ago when my dad gave my mom one (if he did, as they have never exactly said) that wasn't when she got sober for good.

I'm going to let others chime in on their marriage experiences (my husband and I are both in recovery and we re-met after we had both stopped drinking, having dated in high school 20+ yrs before) - but I would say that your instinct to take care of yourself and the kids is one to heed.

One thing you yourself can do now is to go to an Al-Anon meeting.

Maudcat

Hi, bmf,
Very sorry for your situation.
I don’t think ultimatums work unless we are going to go through with them.
By all means, talk to your husband about rehab to see if he is willing.
If he isn’t, then it’s time to make a plan.
Can you turn to family or friends for help?
Good thoughts.

hopeful4

I am so very sorry this is happening. What does your husband say he wants to do?? Unless he truly wants to become sober, he won't. IP or not.

Big hugs. I am glad you are putting the focus on your children.

FallenAngelina

It is often said that therapy while drinking is worthless. Just some information for your tool kit.

Echoing August's recommendation that you get involved with AlAnon.

dandylion

bmf…..first things first. As a medical person who has treated a lot of alcoholics...I do not recommend that any person who has been drinking heavily, quit, cold turkey. Withdrawl symptoms begin within a few hours, and are extraordinarily uncomfortable and dangerous, as well. The physical discomfort will cause the person to need to drink, just to get physical relief.
This can, also, lead to withdrawl seizures and, possibly, DTs...…

If he was black-out drunk in the middle of the day, at work....U think he would be better off by having a medically supervised detox (not the same as rehab),,,,or, at minimum, visit a private doctor to get medical supervision....this assures that physical suffering would be alleviated and he would be safer....
Also, at that point, he would be better able to make a decision about going into a program, or not....
A person in the middle of withdrawl symptoms cannot think clearly about anything...…

As for yourself...you will need to begin getting help and support for yourself....
alanon
Investigate, through a social worker at your local county government, as to what financial assistance that you will qualify for....there may be a lot more help than you realize....
Find out about childcare and the possibility of increasing your financial opportunities....
Consult with a lawyer....or through free legal counseling...what your rights are, should you separate or divorce.....

If you issue an ultimatum that you are not equipped to or not 100 per cent committed to carrying out....your words will just be hollow.....

You may find the following website helpful and educational...it can help you to organize your thoughts, for when you seek face to face legal cousultation….

www.womansdivorce.com

atalose

First and foremost bmf1978, I am sorry you and your children are going through this.

I thought of a line from the al-anon opening welcome that says…….

Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.

You need to turn your if I could support myself and children I would into the harsh reality that you no longer have that choice and that you need to.

Alcoholism isn’t a fix it and be done it’s a lifelong progressive disease that no matter if they are drinking or not the disease continues to progress. As you’ve witnessed his progression over the last few months. Being dependent on an alcoholic for emotions, finances, help with children is often unrealistic.

Where would you go? How would you support yourself and your children?

I agree with everyone else threats do not work unless you are packed up and ready to actually walk out that door, your words are not going to matter.

Is it that you really do not have anywhere to go or that the places you could go are not where you want to go?

AnvilheadII

your AH has already shown himself to be wholly unreliable as a provider. showing up black out drunk at work is not a minor miscalcuation of consumption. to now still "hope" he can sober up and BE a provider and protector is IMHO very short sighted.

whether we WANT to or not, there are times in life when we simply must take charge of our own lives, future and finances. now is one of those times, i'm afraid. there are many other options besides relying up on the unreliable. get busy researching and reaching out for all available resources.

MindfulMan

^No addict is reliable while using their DOC(s), including alcohol. Pretty much a given. He may be a reliable provider if and when he gets sober, you can't force that to happen though.

Self care is crucial here. You're on the right track to worry about yourself and not him at this point. I don't know about an ultimatum, but you can try telling him that you had one alcoholic husband and you cannot and will not go through that again.

But it's up to him to manage his sobriety, if he chooses it. There is no guarantee that he will or he won't, nor is there any guarantee that your relationship will be the same if he does.

Coming at this from the addict/alcoholic perspective by the way.

sortofhomecomin

In my personal situation an ultimatum did work (alternative was homelessness after drinking my way though a voluntary severance package from a former employer. While the package was voluntary and other, non-alcoholic, people also accepted voluntary redundancy due to an organisational change, the path I was on would probably have led to some kind of workplace incident leading to disciplinary action and/ or being forced into rehab by my then employer). I am not married have no kids.

Haven't said that and to somewhat contradict myself, I would initially advise a more softly-softly approach in your situation.

Get him when he is not drinking and preferably not massively hungover, sit him down for a chat and start with something along the lines of : "I'll cut to the chase, it's about your drinking. Is there anything we can do about this? Do you think it's a problem?"

The importance of having the discussion when he is not drinking, alcies will commit to anything when they are on a cheerful drunk: "You know, you're dead right! I do have a problem, it's something I need to get to grips with". They might even believe it when they say it, but commitments made with alcohol in the system, even moderate amounts, are essentially meaningless from an alcie. Frankly, they don't mean a lot even from a normal drinker.

Mango212

Hi bmf1978,

Maybe reframe things from his opportunities for recovery and look at what your choices are. We, the friends & family members, have opportunities for our own recovery from this disease of Alcoholism.

Have you worked with a sponsor in Al-Anon yet? It can be an amazing experience. The small things we do build into a strong foundation for ourselves and our children.

((((hugs))))

http://www.al-anon.org/

NYCDoglvr

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. There's nothing anyone can say or do to get an alcoholic to adopt recovery or stop drinking. I suggest Alanon, which is enormous support and where you can get guidance on building a better life. Big hug.

maia1234

I also agree with the other posters... take care of yourself. Hit some alanon meetings and educate yourself on what your future will look like with 2 little kids and an addict. Its not pretty.

You are a "momma bear" and momma bears will do anything to protect their cubs. There are always options for us enablers. Do your homework and see your options. Good luck !!

Sleepyhollo

Ultimatums do not work unless the addict is ready to quit. In my case it did work but sadly it was too late. I was married for 12 years and together for 16. Our kiddo was 6 when I gave him an ultimatum. But I was ready to follow through with it. It wa the first time i had ever gotten to that point. He and stopped several times during our marriage. 2 years before the ultimatum he had driven home completely wasted. We had a talk, he said he could never drink again and stopped for 13 months, white knuckling it (which was not much fun either). I had suggested he get help but he wanted to try “one more time” to do it on his own. Then he started again and things got bad. Somehow subconsciously I knew I had to let it go until one of us cracked and that was me. He had to go to IP rehab (because of his job he had no choice, well he did but he would hav slots his license probably). He is clean now for a little over 2 years and followed closely but our marriage was too far gone, at least for me, he was ready to rock once he got sober.
Anyway, during our 1.5 years of marriage counseling he had admitted that if I had given him an ultimatum that second to last time it would not have made a difference. It worked the last time because he himself had gotten to the point where he felt that he could no longer go on like that, he just needed a kick in the butt to do something about it. I admit a huge reason why I did not bail earlier is because at least I knew that if I stayed my kid would be safe (instead of sending her to spend time with him while he is drinking who knows what....). If I had known then what I have learned since he got sober I may have done things differently but who knows.
Anyway, I would recommend reading co dependent no more and if you can find the documentary “pleasure unwoven” I would highly recommend that. We watched it in forehand during family week and it epxlains addiction in layman’s terms. Also, if you can go to invidual counseling yourself. I wish I would have done that instead of wait until I gave my ex an ultimatum. At least you are here already so that is a start. I am a medical provider and I never realized how little I knew about addiction and all the destruction that comes along with it. It seems like if someone quits drinking everything will be fine and dandy but the reality is a lot harder and different. People change when they quit and the non alcoholic also has to change. I didn’t seek help for myself until after I had confronted him and wish I would have a lot sooner. I don’t know that the end result would have been different but I may have been able to keep my sanity better and have dealt with the insanity better as well,
I only worked very part time and I did 99% of the parenting because of his job and his adddiction. The last year especially I would rarely leave her alone with him unless it was in the morning. I always checked his stash to see how much he had drank. Pretty insane now that I look back at it but that’s what I’ did to keep my kid safe. At least my RAXH never lost his job thank goodness. That would have changed things a lot. What are the chances that your AH will find another job after he was fired for being drunk? Seems like that may be tough. And it will likely make his drinking worse unless this was a wake up call for him and he is ready to get treatment. Will you need to get a job anyway now that he had none? You can’t leave the kids at home with him and have him be a stay at home dad for obvious reason.
I would start with counseling for you, preferably with someone who has experience with addiction. They can help you work through all of this regardless of whether you stay or go. One thing is certain, unless he is ready to quit it will get worse. Any no one can predict how quickly although if he shows up at work wasted he is pretty deep into it already more than likely. And like someone else mentioned, therapy for an active alcoholic is not very helpful (and marriage counseling certainly is useless)
Do have you family or friend you can stay with at least for a few days to try and figure out your next steps? Your main goal is to take care of you and your kids. You can’t help him, you have no control over him. You don’t have to make any final decisions today unless you are not safe at home. But you need to start thinking about what’s next. You might even think about talking to a lawyer just to know what you’re in for if you do end up splitting. My lawyer had told me that he knew of someone who had been clean for all of a couple,of weeks and he got 50/50 custody because he was clean. Never mind that 2 weeks doesn’t mean much. It may just help you knowing what you might be in for and what steps you can take to make sure your kids are safe.
I’m sorry you are in this mess, know that you are not alone and that everyone here can relate to what you are going through. It was so hard for me before the secret was out because I could not talk to anyone about it and it was very isolating. I wish I had found this place a long time ago because I would have been nice to be able to talk to people who get it. Good luck and take care of you and your kiddos. And don’t feel bad about not really caring about what he needs. You need to think about you and the kids. He is an adult and you cannot help him unless he choses to help himself unfortunately.

Leelee168

As most everyone else has said, an ultimatum doesn't work, but it sure does make us feel better that we said it. I'm also going to echo that you need to move forward with your own life and figuring out how you will take care of yourself and your children. He's already proven that he's not capable of doing it and right now you have enough on your plate and don't need to add an oversized, grown-up child to the mix. Best to you.

Angel65

Unless he truly wants to become sober, he won't. IP or not.


This is unfortunately so true. I have been going through hell with my ex bf, and recently, when he was completely out of control, I threw him in the car and took him to the ER, From there he was forced into an IP rehab. Granted it was only a couple of weeks, but the minute he got out, we went straight back to the bottle.

I'm guilty of wanting to try and fix the man, and have tried absolutely everything. He has nothing left. No money, no family, no friends. Yet he still hasnt figured out that his drinking is to blame for that. Its all everyone else's fault.

I have tried ultimatums, put him in sober living places, detox places, he got a DUI and is facing jail time..... and he still doesn't get it

You need to take care of you and your kids. You can't control what he does, but you can control what YOU do about it. Best of luck.

Angel65

Unless he truly wants to become sober, he won't. IP or not.


This is unfortunately so true. I have been going through hell with my ex bf, and recently, when he was completely out of control, I threw him in the car and took him to the ER, From there he was forced into an IP rehab. Granted it was only a couple of weeks, but the minute he got out, we went straight back to the bottle.

I'm guilty of wanting to try and fix the man, and have tried absolutely everything. He has nothing left. No money, no family, no friends. Yet he still hasnt figured out that his drinking is to blame for that. Its all everyone else's fault.

I have tried ultimatums, put him in sober living places, detox places, he got a DUI and is facing jail time..... and he still doesn't get it

You need to take care of you and your kids. You can't control what he does, but you can control what YOU do about it. Best of luck.