Update - a small feeling of relief
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Update - a small feeling of relief
Hi everyone,
Small update from me:
Backstory: alcoholic ex and I agreed through our lawyers to engage "counsel for the child" for Kid. Counsel for the child is a lawyer who is tasked with representing Kid's wishes and interests in court proceedings, because she's old enough and mature enough that her opinions should be given some weight in the never-ending legal saga.
I received the counsel's report today. Long story short: he found that Kid is very smart and able to articulate what she wants, that she is very aware of the risks associated with her father's drinking and that she understands the need for constraints and limits on his activities with her to manage those risks. She believes that now that she is older, she does not need the same kind of intensive supervision as a younger child. She would like to see more of her father, but on a regular schedule, not at random times when he feels like it. She understands the need for SoberLink but finds the frequent testing to be intrusive (I would add, probably because her father makes a big drama out of how much this is imposing on him). She would like to be able to go more places with her father and suggests that he put an ignition lock in his car (so that he would have to blow clean in order to start the vehicle).
This is all good - I can agree with all of this, even if the thought of easing up on restrictions makes me nervous, I recognize that Kid is much more mature than she was a year ago and she has displayed good judgment in recent situations where her father was being a jerk. I am glad to have Kid's wishes spelled out so clearly.
What surprised me was how relieved I was to read the report. Somewhere, on some level, I was scared that it would say "Kid hates Sasha and thinks she is an interfering busybody. Kid really misses alcoholic dad and wants to live with him and wishes mom would take a hike".
The reason for this fear is because that is what alcoholic ex spent years telling me - you're a bad mother, you don't care about Kid, Kid doesn't love you, she only loves me, she doesn't want to spend time with you, etc. It's amazing how those arrows that are aimed right at our most vulnerable spots - am I a good parent? does my daughter love me? - still hurt, even after years have gone by.
Small update from me:
Backstory: alcoholic ex and I agreed through our lawyers to engage "counsel for the child" for Kid. Counsel for the child is a lawyer who is tasked with representing Kid's wishes and interests in court proceedings, because she's old enough and mature enough that her opinions should be given some weight in the never-ending legal saga.
I received the counsel's report today. Long story short: he found that Kid is very smart and able to articulate what she wants, that she is very aware of the risks associated with her father's drinking and that she understands the need for constraints and limits on his activities with her to manage those risks. She believes that now that she is older, she does not need the same kind of intensive supervision as a younger child. She would like to see more of her father, but on a regular schedule, not at random times when he feels like it. She understands the need for SoberLink but finds the frequent testing to be intrusive (I would add, probably because her father makes a big drama out of how much this is imposing on him). She would like to be able to go more places with her father and suggests that he put an ignition lock in his car (so that he would have to blow clean in order to start the vehicle).
This is all good - I can agree with all of this, even if the thought of easing up on restrictions makes me nervous, I recognize that Kid is much more mature than she was a year ago and she has displayed good judgment in recent situations where her father was being a jerk. I am glad to have Kid's wishes spelled out so clearly.
What surprised me was how relieved I was to read the report. Somewhere, on some level, I was scared that it would say "Kid hates Sasha and thinks she is an interfering busybody. Kid really misses alcoholic dad and wants to live with him and wishes mom would take a hike".
The reason for this fear is because that is what alcoholic ex spent years telling me - you're a bad mother, you don't care about Kid, Kid doesn't love you, she only loves me, she doesn't want to spend time with you, etc. It's amazing how those arrows that are aimed right at our most vulnerable spots - am I a good parent? does my daughter love me? - still hurt, even after years have gone by.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
she understands the need for constraints and limits on his activities with her to manage those risks. She believes that now that she is older, she does not need the same kind of intensive supervision as a younger child. She would like to see more of her father, but on a regular schedule, not at random times when he feels like it.
My oldest kids (adults) still do this at times, from what I've seen.
Asking for more time with a parent who's shown on a consistent basis he/she is unable to show up sober for his/her child is showing a lack of true understanding of what's going on. I get it. I've been there in several similar ways, with my alcoholic husband.
One day at a time. Trust your instincts. As I have time to process these kind of things, I typically have new viewpoints that come up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sasha, this all sounds exhausting for you.
The Soberlink jumped out at me. So glad is in place. When I was little such things did not exist, myself and my siblings were picked up for our weekly access visit with alcoholic father by him off his face drunk and driven to his home where he collapsed in chair for several hours and slept while us kids amused ourselves with sweets and comics he gave us money to go buy. Erm, quality time with dad!
I nodded in recognition with your comment about being half afraid about what your daughter might have said about you. Being around an A can do this to us. So very undermining. It is hard to keep realistic in our outlook.
The Soberlink jumped out at me. So glad is in place. When I was little such things did not exist, myself and my siblings were picked up for our weekly access visit with alcoholic father by him off his face drunk and driven to his home where he collapsed in chair for several hours and slept while us kids amused ourselves with sweets and comics he gave us money to go buy. Erm, quality time with dad!
I nodded in recognition with your comment about being half afraid about what your daughter might have said about you. Being around an A can do this to us. So very undermining. It is hard to keep realistic in our outlook.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Isn't it strange how we end up getting validation from the oddest places?
You're a fantastic mother Sasha & I know a day will come when your DD will come to you with tremendous compassion & gratitude for the way you've gone to bat for her wellbeing over & over & over. She sees every bit of what you do for her even if she can't process & appreciate it all fully right now.
You're a fantastic mother Sasha & I know a day will come when your DD will come to you with tremendous compassion & gratitude for the way you've gone to bat for her wellbeing over & over & over. She sees every bit of what you do for her even if she can't process & appreciate it all fully right now.
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