What should I do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 5
What should I do?
Hi all,
i’m back again to ask your advice.
My ex-partner, who is an active alcoholic, was sending me abusive emails throughout the weekend. I attempted to arrange contact for him with our baby but it turned into an opportunity for him to say I’m mentally ill and he’s going to take her away from me....
Sp, today his 84 year old mum, who is very sound of mind and very aware of what’s gone on has emailed me and asked when she’s next seeing her granddaughter.
I really have an urge to say no and say why- beach her son is an abusive alcoholic.
although part of me thinks it’s inappropriate to send something like that to an old lady.
i guess my motive for telling her how it is for me is because part of me hopes she’ll have a word with him.
I’m sorry if im coming across as a bad person here- I just feel helpless
i’m back again to ask your advice.
My ex-partner, who is an active alcoholic, was sending me abusive emails throughout the weekend. I attempted to arrange contact for him with our baby but it turned into an opportunity for him to say I’m mentally ill and he’s going to take her away from me....
Sp, today his 84 year old mum, who is very sound of mind and very aware of what’s gone on has emailed me and asked when she’s next seeing her granddaughter.
I really have an urge to say no and say why- beach her son is an abusive alcoholic.
although part of me thinks it’s inappropriate to send something like that to an old lady.
i guess my motive for telling her how it is for me is because part of me hopes she’ll have a word with him.
I’m sorry if im coming across as a bad person here- I just feel helpless
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
i guess my motive for telling her how it is for me is because part of me hopes she’ll have a word with him.
What legal steps have you taken regarding child support, visitation etc.?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Hi Mi55. As atalose said, she has no more weight with him than you do. Your anger and blaming her is misplaced here really.
Just because he is her Son doesn't mean he listens to her anymore than he listens to you.
All you really need to decide is would she be a good person for your child to have in their life? Is she generally kind and loving, does she really care about you and your child? If the answer to those questions is yes, why can't you arrange to go and see her or meet her out for lunch occasionally.
The visitation with the grandmother isn't about you or him, it's about your child and what's good for him/her.
Don't use her to send any message to him, he is beyond your help or hers, it's a waste of your time. What "word" did you hope she would have with him? That he's a terrible Father so far? I think that's already been established.
He isn't coming to this particular party right now. Have you tried face to face support meetings like Al-Anon?
Just because he is her Son doesn't mean he listens to her anymore than he listens to you.
All you really need to decide is would she be a good person for your child to have in their life? Is she generally kind and loving, does she really care about you and your child? If the answer to those questions is yes, why can't you arrange to go and see her or meet her out for lunch occasionally.
The visitation with the grandmother isn't about you or him, it's about your child and what's good for him/her.
Don't use her to send any message to him, he is beyond your help or hers, it's a waste of your time. What "word" did you hope she would have with him? That he's a terrible Father so far? I think that's already been established.
He isn't coming to this particular party right now. Have you tried face to face support meetings like Al-Anon?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Mi55, can you find a way to separate your daughter's relationship with her grandmother from your relationship with his father?
It's good that he currently has no legal rights to her as someone in active addiction is not an influence she should be exposed to. I understand you have issue with his family, and you are in no way obligated to nurture her relationships with them. If you do encourage it, though, you have to define and maintain strong boundaries around the visitation.
It's good that he currently has no legal rights to her as someone in active addiction is not an influence she should be exposed to. I understand you have issue with his family, and you are in no way obligated to nurture her relationships with them. If you do encourage it, though, you have to define and maintain strong boundaries around the visitation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He isn’t on our daughter’s birth certificate so at present he has no rights to spend time with her
My ex-partner, who is an active alcoholic, was sending me abusive emails throughout the weekend. I attempted to arrange contact for him with our baby but it turned into an opportunity for him to say I’m mentally ill and he’s going to take her away from me....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Can you meet his mum somewhere over coffee? Let her hold your baby and get some photos. I can still remember my babies being held by others and having them tell me how beautiful they were. That got me through some bad times. Don't talk about him...build some good memories instead - for you, your baby and grandma.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Mi, a couple of issues here.
Are you ok to meet grandma for a coffee or lunch and have her hold the baby? And are you confident she won't bring the partner along? As difficult as it can be, I suggest you make it clear this time is for her alone and any discussion or suggestions re her son are off the table.
The other issue is the continual bombardment of abusive texts from EXABF. It would wear anyone down to have that happening all the time. I know I would be a wreck, especially with a new baby to look after. I suggest you contact a domestic abuse service, and tell them what's going on. There are many kinds of abuse, and they're not all physical, so you would qualify.
DV services are very experienced with situations like yours, and they can help you with restraining orders or other strategies. Are you able to block him from texting you or emailing? You don't need this.
Are you ok to meet grandma for a coffee or lunch and have her hold the baby? And are you confident she won't bring the partner along? As difficult as it can be, I suggest you make it clear this time is for her alone and any discussion or suggestions re her son are off the table.
The other issue is the continual bombardment of abusive texts from EXABF. It would wear anyone down to have that happening all the time. I know I would be a wreck, especially with a new baby to look after. I suggest you contact a domestic abuse service, and tell them what's going on. There are many kinds of abuse, and they're not all physical, so you would qualify.
DV services are very experienced with situations like yours, and they can help you with restraining orders or other strategies. Are you able to block him from texting you or emailing? You don't need this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mi,
I wouldn't take the verbal abuse by text also..... block him. Or tell him that if he can't play nice, he will be blocked, and just do it. If his name is not on the birth certificate and he has no legal right, don't engage with crazy.
I agree with other posters, if grandma is a good lady then have your child spend time with her, shes old. You don't need to punish her for his addiction.
good luck!!
I wouldn't take the verbal abuse by text also..... block him. Or tell him that if he can't play nice, he will be blocked, and just do it. If his name is not on the birth certificate and he has no legal right, don't engage with crazy.
I agree with other posters, if grandma is a good lady then have your child spend time with her, shes old. You don't need to punish her for his addiction.
good luck!!
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