I’m back and time to stop kidding myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Birmingham
Posts: 87
I’m back and time to stop kidding myself
I was sober for 2 yrs and 4mths and started drinking again in 2015. I had moved with my now ex far from my family and was super isolated and little did I know then this would be the worst year of my life. I lost an Aunty, uncle, god father and then my mum suddenly leaving me without any parents at 34.
At the time and since I convinced people and myself that I used to have a problem with drinking. Which I did, previously drinking 2 bottles of wine a night but since I started again I can go days without drinking so I’m no longer dependant in that respect. I guess this is how I’ve got away with it so long. My problem is when I start I have no cut off point and will drink until I black out.
I went to a friends wedding last week and was the last one at the party and the first one having a drink the next day. I got so drunk the day after and don’t remember anything. I left my phone and came home with the wrong coat.
I have flash backs and remember seeing two good friends who weren’t at the wedding. They told me last night they ran in to me in the street and I was hammered. Luckily they took me back home. I was embarrasssed and didnt drink again until last night. when 1 pint after worked turned in to a 6 hour drinking session and I woke up feeling terrible and called in sick to work. The guilty and shame has set in I’ve realised I need to stop drinking again altogether. I can’t trust myself to have one or two. Something takes over and I can’t stop.
The good friends who found me last week are moving abroad next week and are are coming to stay tonight until they leave on Tues. we have some days out planned but I’ve also offered to throw them a party on sat night. What should I do? Be honest and tell them how I’m feeling or ride it for one last weekend and stop next week?
I’ve made an appt to see my counsellor on weds. I haven’t seen him for a long time. We have touched on my drinking but I think I’ve even convinced him I don’t have a problem and he’s mostly helped me deal with childhood sexual abuse and other crazy family problems.
I know I’ve overcome alot in my life. I sent my abuser to jail, I’ve cut out harmful family members and in the last year and a half I’ve moved to a place I love and broken up with negative ex. I have a great support network of new and old friends and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. Deep down though I know I have to overcome this demon again and this scares me. When I was sober the thought of ever being drunk again terrified me and now the thought of being 100% sober again is equally scary. I was in tears reading a post I wrote after being sober a year. I genuinely sounded really happy and I want to get back to that place again. Sorry this is so long but I just neededto get this all out and SR was a huge help during my recovery last time. Thank you
At the time and since I convinced people and myself that I used to have a problem with drinking. Which I did, previously drinking 2 bottles of wine a night but since I started again I can go days without drinking so I’m no longer dependant in that respect. I guess this is how I’ve got away with it so long. My problem is when I start I have no cut off point and will drink until I black out.
I went to a friends wedding last week and was the last one at the party and the first one having a drink the next day. I got so drunk the day after and don’t remember anything. I left my phone and came home with the wrong coat.
I have flash backs and remember seeing two good friends who weren’t at the wedding. They told me last night they ran in to me in the street and I was hammered. Luckily they took me back home. I was embarrasssed and didnt drink again until last night. when 1 pint after worked turned in to a 6 hour drinking session and I woke up feeling terrible and called in sick to work. The guilty and shame has set in I’ve realised I need to stop drinking again altogether. I can’t trust myself to have one or two. Something takes over and I can’t stop.
The good friends who found me last week are moving abroad next week and are are coming to stay tonight until they leave on Tues. we have some days out planned but I’ve also offered to throw them a party on sat night. What should I do? Be honest and tell them how I’m feeling or ride it for one last weekend and stop next week?
I’ve made an appt to see my counsellor on weds. I haven’t seen him for a long time. We have touched on my drinking but I think I’ve even convinced him I don’t have a problem and he’s mostly helped me deal with childhood sexual abuse and other crazy family problems.
I know I’ve overcome alot in my life. I sent my abuser to jail, I’ve cut out harmful family members and in the last year and a half I’ve moved to a place I love and broken up with negative ex. I have a great support network of new and old friends and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. Deep down though I know I have to overcome this demon again and this scares me. When I was sober the thought of ever being drunk again terrified me and now the thought of being 100% sober again is equally scary. I was in tears reading a post I wrote after being sober a year. I genuinely sounded really happy and I want to get back to that place again. Sorry this is so long but I just neededto get this all out and SR was a huge help during my recovery last time. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,402
I’m an alcoholic and have experienced a wonderful life in sobriety and recovery. I had to and continue to put my sobriety and recovery no1 in my priority list each day.
Your experience tells you that moderate drinking doesn’t work for you. It never worked for me, and I never wanted it, anyway. Once I start drinking alcohol I wont stop. I’m an alcoholic.
If you get sober and commit to recovery then you can have a wonderful life based on peace of mind and personal growth and development. You’ve done it before (staying sober) so now you need to honestly take stock and look at how you can add to your recovery program so that you stay stopped.
Your experience tells you that moderate drinking doesn’t work for you. It never worked for me, and I never wanted it, anyway. Once I start drinking alcohol I wont stop. I’m an alcoholic.
If you get sober and commit to recovery then you can have a wonderful life based on peace of mind and personal growth and development. You’ve done it before (staying sober) so now you need to honestly take stock and look at how you can add to your recovery program so that you stay stopped.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
You have done this before can do so again.
The learnings you have from that 2 years are there and can be used to make this time easier.
But you need to commit.
For me it was not neceesary to hit rock bottom, although where I was sounds not too far from where you are now.
But I had to decide once and for all that I dont drink and will never change my mind.
Why did I get here -- not so important.
Am I an alcoholic - also not so important.
But the decision and the comittment, critical.
You got this.
The learnings you have from that 2 years are there and can be used to make this time easier.
But you need to commit.
For me it was not neceesary to hit rock bottom, although where I was sounds not too far from where you are now.
But I had to decide once and for all that I dont drink and will never change my mind.
Why did I get here -- not so important.
Am I an alcoholic - also not so important.
But the decision and the comittment, critical.
You got this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm so glad you've found your way back, Alex.
You can absolutely have that happy sober life again. I also drank again due partly to trauma after having had many years sober and it took me to an even darker place.
No need to continue this.
Day One, yay.
Someone wrote the words, "I'm going to bed sober," and it sounded so good that's all it took for me to start again, too.
You can absolutely have that happy sober life again. I also drank again due partly to trauma after having had many years sober and it took me to an even darker place.
No need to continue this.
Day One, yay.
Someone wrote the words, "I'm going to bed sober," and it sounded so good that's all it took for me to start again, too.
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
Originally Posted by Alex41 
I’ve decided today is the day, no more messing about and need to update my signature! I had forgotten how inspirational SR is 🙂
Today is a great day for a Day 1!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,447
Welcome back, Alex. You know that you can do this. It sounds like you've worked hard on sorting things in your life and have done well. This is the time for you to work on your recovery. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
What if throwing that party for your friends ends in disaster and your friends leave with that last image of you, you will feel worse, just get back to that happy sober place that you know, you can do this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Birmingham
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by Mummyto2
What if throwing that party for your friends ends in disaster and your friends leave with that last image of you, you will feel worse, just get back to that happy sober place that you know, you can do this
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,508
It's great to see you back, Alex. I'm so sorry for all you've been through.
I had 3 yrs. once & went back out for 7. That's when I found SR. Reading & posting here has saved me. I'm so glad you're reclaiming your life. It's going to be ok - you can do it.
I had 3 yrs. once & went back out for 7. That's when I found SR. Reading & posting here has saved me. I'm so glad you're reclaiming your life. It's going to be ok - you can do it.
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Thank you for coming here and posting. It helps me see that relapse is a part of recovery, but its up to us to make it stick. I loved reading about how happy you were in sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New England
Posts: 1,224
Despite your fear, only 100% sober will work. It wasn't until I made that commitment that the hamster wheel of trying and failing finally ended.
I understand you've had a lot of loss but you need to say goodbye to alcohol forever. Leave yourself no doubt that you never end up black out drunk again.
Support to you.
I understand you've had a lot of loss but you need to say goodbye to alcohol forever. Leave yourself no doubt that you never end up black out drunk again.
Support to you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
It helps me see that relapse is a part of recovery,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by least
I beg to differ. Relapse is part of the addiction, not recovery. Just because a lot of people relapse doesn't make it part of recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Birmingham
Posts: 87
I’m feeling great tonight, I declined the offer to go to the pub and instead spent the night working on my CV for a new job I want to go for.
Looking forward to yoga in the morning instead of a hangover 😀
Looking forward to yoga in the morning instead of a hangover 😀
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