The beast awakened by beer in the sunshine at 7am
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The beast awakened by beer in the sunshine at 7am
I was on my way home from the gym today at 7am and saw my friendly neighborhood drunk taking a long, hard swallow of beer as he sat on his folding chair and the sun reflected off his sunglasses. I had just gotten myself up at 5:30am and forced myself to get out of bed to get some fitness in before another insane day of work and family and life. And as I was walking home and saw my friend getting his drunk on nice and early, the beast had the audacity to suggest, from some dank, dark cave in the recesses of my mind "now here's a guy who has it figured out." I almost laughed at myself and my mind and the way this sick addiction to oblivion still tries to survive even after I've forced it to wither of hunger and thirst.
The beast persists! It says, "all this responsibility, all this good life, the pride, the shamelessness, peace, calm, confidence, your psyche finally made whole, the way your wife and children trust you, all the wonders of a sober life - overrated!!" The life of a bum brought the beast out. It's amazing to me just how irrational and ballsy this beast is.
Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom. That's the answer, the key. My desire for oblivion still exists - it's weakened, threatened, diminished - but it is still there - that desire to retreat into the selfish, childish, irresponsible, shame-ridden life of a drinker is still within me.
On the other hand I knew the pain this old man with a beer in a brown bag was in, perhaps would always be in, and that to not have confronted that pain and beaten it back is to have wasted a life. Truly sad, like the line in Bronx Tale, wasted talent/life is maybe the saddest thing of all. We nodded at each other, like all mornings, and I kept on my path.
The beast persists! It says, "all this responsibility, all this good life, the pride, the shamelessness, peace, calm, confidence, your psyche finally made whole, the way your wife and children trust you, all the wonders of a sober life - overrated!!" The life of a bum brought the beast out. It's amazing to me just how irrational and ballsy this beast is.
Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom. That's the answer, the key. My desire for oblivion still exists - it's weakened, threatened, diminished - but it is still there - that desire to retreat into the selfish, childish, irresponsible, shame-ridden life of a drinker is still within me.
On the other hand I knew the pain this old man with a beer in a brown bag was in, perhaps would always be in, and that to not have confronted that pain and beaten it back is to have wasted a life. Truly sad, like the line in Bronx Tale, wasted talent/life is maybe the saddest thing of all. We nodded at each other, like all mornings, and I kept on my path.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
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Amazing the lengths the AV will go to, isn't it? But we are stronger. Every time will tell that voice to shut up, it gets weaker and weaker. Being able to laugh at the ridiculous things it tries to tell us is a victory.
Have a great day.
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This!
I find that the better I feel about life in general, the more likely the idea of having a drink becomes. Not acting on the idea, but having it from time to time at odd moments.
I used to think it was because I felt I did not deserve all the goodness, which I still believe is part of it, but I now think its more that we forget. Forget the price of that cold beer for us.
I still love Dee's famous line that abstinence is not control, and at least for me its easy to forget for second a few years down the road when things are going good how bad it was and why, but equally fatal as it was on day 1.
Thank you for yet another great post.
I find that the better I feel about life in general, the more likely the idea of having a drink becomes. Not acting on the idea, but having it from time to time at odd moments.
I used to think it was because I felt I did not deserve all the goodness, which I still believe is part of it, but I now think its more that we forget. Forget the price of that cold beer for us.
I still love Dee's famous line that abstinence is not control, and at least for me its easy to forget for second a few years down the road when things are going good how bad it was and why, but equally fatal as it was on day 1.
Thank you for yet another great post.
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Originally Posted by letsgetsorted 
I hope so much I can find a way to be confidently sober
But hope will not get you sober. That takes work. Are you willing to do the work? That's the question in the end. That's what separates who I am today from who I was - I've done the work.
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For several years, that drunk was me, though I did not sit out in my yard for the world to see. But I remember driving to the grocery store at 5:30am on my days off, sweating and shaky, waiting for it to open at 6am, so I could go in and buy a box of wine, and buying a bunch of incidental groceries I didn't need so the cashier might not notice that I was buying 5 liters of cheap table wine at 6 in the morning.
The memory of the shame I felt, and the realization of all that I didn't achieve during that time (which was much of the prime of my life), helps me stay sober today, so in an odd way, I am grateful or that experience.
The memory of the shame I felt, and the realization of all that I didn't achieve during that time (which was much of the prime of my life), helps me stay sober today, so in an odd way, I am grateful or that experience.
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Originally Posted by DesertDawg
For several years, that drunk was me, though I did not sit out in my yard for the world to see. But I remember driving to the grocery store at 5:30am on my days off, sweating and shaky, waiting for it to open at 6am, so I could go in and buy a box of wine, and buying a bunch of incidental groceries I didn't need so the cashier might not notice that I was buying 5 liters of cheap table wine at 6 in the morning.
The memory of the shame I felt, and the realization of all that I didn't achieve during that time (which was much of the prime of my life), helps me stay sober today, so in an odd way, I am grateful or that experience.
The memory of the shame I felt, and the realization of all that I didn't achieve during that time (which was much of the prime of my life), helps me stay sober today, so in an odd way, I am grateful or that experience.
Wow, that was me, too. Man, did that bring back some horrible memories. But good in the sense of being a reminder, so thank you.
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Not long after I got sober, I saw a local news report about wino's hanging around downtown and drinking all the time in public.
The reporter interviewed a drunk street person and asked him why he drank, and he responded something to the effect that he had to or wanted to or something like that.
Even though I had been sober for a little while, I felt absolute kinship with this poor man.
That was certainly me.
All I thought about everyday was drinking. And, toward the end, drinking was pretty much all I did.
I would also see younger people like myself (clearly many years ago) getting drunk before football (our football, not yours) games and car races and be somewhat envious of them.
Those feelings have long since dissipated and now I simply have gratitude and humility when I reflect on the journey from the street drunk's mindset and lifestyle to my present circumstances.
I'm not talking about money, either, I'm talking about the ability to wake up every morning and live a "normal" life to good purpose.
The reporter interviewed a drunk street person and asked him why he drank, and he responded something to the effect that he had to or wanted to or something like that.
Even though I had been sober for a little while, I felt absolute kinship with this poor man.
That was certainly me.
All I thought about everyday was drinking. And, toward the end, drinking was pretty much all I did.
I would also see younger people like myself (clearly many years ago) getting drunk before football (our football, not yours) games and car races and be somewhat envious of them.
Those feelings have long since dissipated and now I simply have gratitude and humility when I reflect on the journey from the street drunk's mindset and lifestyle to my present circumstances.
I'm not talking about money, either, I'm talking about the ability to wake up every morning and live a "normal" life to good purpose.
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Crazy stuff. Going through Bukowski's novels (held off for ages thinking the novels would inspire/encourage me to drink but having the opposite effect thankfully) and he mentions reflecting on the lifestyle of the bum. No responabilities no relationships etc
I like you mention the beast as I asked about that a while back. Definately can recognise it now. Caught myself in a similar reflection as yours: actually contemplating the life of a heroin addict. Shooting up. Actually caught my mind (or the beast) think that "we" haven't had that experience really and all other "worries" in life would be gone. only one goal would be there. Then shook it off and "it" came back with a negotiated version. "you could still work and maintain the habit".
Wtf?
Crazy stuff indeed. Vigilant as you say.
I like you mention the beast as I asked about that a while back. Definately can recognise it now. Caught myself in a similar reflection as yours: actually contemplating the life of a heroin addict. Shooting up. Actually caught my mind (or the beast) think that "we" haven't had that experience really and all other "worries" in life would be gone. only one goal would be there. Then shook it off and "it" came back with a negotiated version. "you could still work and maintain the habit".
Wtf?
Crazy stuff indeed. Vigilant as you say.
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Similar to your post less, I had an experience like that just last night at the grocery store. I was getting some dinner and stuff for a food program we’re doing at work and I saw the cold bottles of wine in the fridge and literally took a few steps towards them because I thought - wow a glass of wine would be nice with dinner.
This thing is insidious. I left without the wine, but it was really unsettling. I can’t ever have one glass. I would have slammed the whole thing. Tbh, I probably would have just gotten a box so I didn’t run out.
Glad to be sober today.
This thing is insidious. I left without the wine, but it was really unsettling. I can’t ever have one glass. I would have slammed the whole thing. Tbh, I probably would have just gotten a box so I didn’t run out.
Glad to be sober today.
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Originally Posted by Epictetus
Crazy stuff. Going through Bukowski's novels (held off for ages thinking the novels would inspire/encourage me to drink but having the opposite effect thankfully) and he mentions reflecting on the lifestyle of the bum. No responabilities no relationships etc
I like you mention the beast as I asked about that a while back. Definately can recognise it now. Caught myself in a similar reflection as yours: actually contemplating the life of a heroin addict. Shooting up. Actually caught my mind (or the beast) think that "we" haven't had that experience really and all other "worries" in life would be gone. only one goal would be there. Then shook it off and "it" came back with a negotiated version. "you could still work and maintain the habit".
Wtf?
Crazy stuff indeed. Vigilant as you say.
I like you mention the beast as I asked about that a while back. Definately can recognise it now. Caught myself in a similar reflection as yours: actually contemplating the life of a heroin addict. Shooting up. Actually caught my mind (or the beast) think that "we" haven't had that experience really and all other "worries" in life would be gone. only one goal would be there. Then shook it off and "it" came back with a negotiated version. "you could still work and maintain the habit".
Wtf?
Crazy stuff indeed. Vigilant as you say.
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I distinctly remember hitting an early opening bar with my partner in crime and looking at all the schmoes heading to work and feeling smug that I could get my buzz on at 630 in the morning...and thinking that as I was doing it 'socially' I had no problem...
I was neck deep in the poop and didn't even realise it....heck, I revelled in it,
smh big time.
D
I was neck deep in the poop and didn't even realise it....heck, I revelled in it,
smh big time.
D
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Originally Posted by lessgravity
Interesting you bring up Bukowski. I was such a fan of his growing up and in college, even for a few years after. I had a copy of the documentary on him that I loved so much. I have really conflicted feelings thinking of him now. In a way he made a real life out of terrible beginnings, carved out this strange, compelling, artful existence as a poet and a writer from mundanity and obscurity. And yet he was a brutal, nasty drunk. I haven't read him in years. Not so sure I care to these days either. But I appreciate you making me think of him.
On a literary side note, not everyone can (is capable) or wants (is willing, ego or pride preventing) of separating the author from his work. Which is lamentable from a literary enjoyment perspective.
My own mother cannot enjoy a novel if she doesn't take to (like) the main character. How she limits herself. What's like but ego. Give me interesting any time.
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I can't quite put into words what this post made me feel. Thank you for sharing and let's keep telling that stupid voice to stfu.
My counsellor talks about anxiety being a 'mind bully' who knows your deepest thoughts and fears and says unkind things that you wouldn't dream of saying to yourself. If you don't listen to the mind bully, over time he gets smaller, quieter and less powerful. I think the AV is the same.
Interesting what you say about Bukowski, too. I always thought he perfectly captured what it is like to be down and out. Without ever actually saying it, he always managed to convey what a miserable existence it is to be perpetually drunk.
“I couldn't get myself to read the want ads. The thought of sitting in front of a man behind a desk and telling him that I wanted a job, that I was qualified for a job, was too much for me. Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat.” - Factotum
My counsellor talks about anxiety being a 'mind bully' who knows your deepest thoughts and fears and says unkind things that you wouldn't dream of saying to yourself. If you don't listen to the mind bully, over time he gets smaller, quieter and less powerful. I think the AV is the same.
Interesting what you say about Bukowski, too. I always thought he perfectly captured what it is like to be down and out. Without ever actually saying it, he always managed to convey what a miserable existence it is to be perpetually drunk.
“I couldn't get myself to read the want ads. The thought of sitting in front of a man behind a desk and telling him that I wanted a job, that I was qualified for a job, was too much for me. Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat.” - Factotum
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Really interesting thoughts here. Thank you to everyone for posting, as always this place is so valuable, of course for my sobriety, but then again and so many other ways as well. Epi, you may be right in terms of Bukowski. On the other hand I think that there is a glorification in his work of the drunk that perhaps I'm either projecting or remembering incorrectly. It's worth examining nonetheless. Your characterization of your mother and that her tastes made me laugh, my mom is very much the same.
And Sophie thank you for your post. That quote from Bukowski gave me chills. I don't remember ever reading that. It really does didtill in some ways what it is to be a drunk. There's a real safety there, in hiding from the most simple things in the world.
Lots of stuff to think about as always. Grateful for this damn site.
And Sophie thank you for your post. That quote from Bukowski gave me chills. I don't remember ever reading that. It really does didtill in some ways what it is to be a drunk. There's a real safety there, in hiding from the most simple things in the world.
Lots of stuff to think about as always. Grateful for this damn site.
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This reminds me of when my AV woke up during an episode of "Intervention" where a girl was living with her boyfriend....I caught myself thinking So she just gets to sit around and drink wine all day, not having to worry about paying the bills? Must be nice!....(I quickly changed the channel!)
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