My life is on repeat
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
My life is on repeat
I was just thinking that a year ago I was moving into this house with my Alcoholic "boyfriend ", under the condition that he seek help for his drinking and never step foot in this house drunk. It was march 30th that we moved into the house he didn't seek recovery but he did cut back and went a few wks without drinking. It was the weekend of May 5th when we attended a friends birthday party , my boyfriend ended up getting drunk and telling me to get lost in front of all our friends - after that his drinking spiraled and i spent this entire year living in hell.
Well as it goes completely by text book style- the prior months have been insane drunken hell. At the beginning of this month April after a horrible couple wknds , my boyfriend came to me and told me he had an "awakening", he realizes how his drinking has destroyed everything blah blah and that he's not going to drink for 2 months (April & May). I asked him if he has a plan for recovery and if he plans to work the steps of AA.. he said he plans to attend AA, but he just plans on cutting back not quitting forever (I've heard this before!). I've been practicing detachment for the past month, sleeping in the other room , etc. I'm being very cautious because I don't trust him. I don't know how to be there for him when I feel like he's just telling me what I want to hear. He keeps telling me he is committed to recovery, but he has yet to attend an AA meeting. Anyway, our friends Birthday is coming up again on May 5th and tonight my boyfriend tells me he is planning on going to his party. This is a guy who is an alcoholic he is at the bar 24-7 and loves to have my Bf as a bar buddie. So I ask him do you plan on drinking- he says no but if he wants to he will. I actually had some things planned that day for us to do. But he said he's going to the party instead. He talks about it like it's the most important thing in the world. All I can think is damn I wish he cared that much about all the other things going on in our life like our relationship- the ring he gave me 2years ago but has never mentioned or honored- or how about his so called "recovery ". I don't know what to do or think anymore. I'm upset that this drunken birthday party is priority in his life. - Also this friend of his is someone who told him to break up with me and go find a girlfriend that will let him drink and smoke. It's so stupid and childish. I hate that I'm stuck with a guy who has no respect and my life is on repeat!
Well as it goes completely by text book style- the prior months have been insane drunken hell. At the beginning of this month April after a horrible couple wknds , my boyfriend came to me and told me he had an "awakening", he realizes how his drinking has destroyed everything blah blah and that he's not going to drink for 2 months (April & May). I asked him if he has a plan for recovery and if he plans to work the steps of AA.. he said he plans to attend AA, but he just plans on cutting back not quitting forever (I've heard this before!). I've been practicing detachment for the past month, sleeping in the other room , etc. I'm being very cautious because I don't trust him. I don't know how to be there for him when I feel like he's just telling me what I want to hear. He keeps telling me he is committed to recovery, but he has yet to attend an AA meeting. Anyway, our friends Birthday is coming up again on May 5th and tonight my boyfriend tells me he is planning on going to his party. This is a guy who is an alcoholic he is at the bar 24-7 and loves to have my Bf as a bar buddie. So I ask him do you plan on drinking- he says no but if he wants to he will. I actually had some things planned that day for us to do. But he said he's going to the party instead. He talks about it like it's the most important thing in the world. All I can think is damn I wish he cared that much about all the other things going on in our life like our relationship- the ring he gave me 2years ago but has never mentioned or honored- or how about his so called "recovery ". I don't know what to do or think anymore. I'm upset that this drunken birthday party is priority in his life. - Also this friend of his is someone who told him to break up with me and go find a girlfriend that will let him drink and smoke. It's so stupid and childish. I hate that I'm stuck with a guy who has no respect and my life is on repeat!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello Amusic,
I'm just so sorry to hear about this. It pains me to say that--your boyfriend has a right to do what he wants. I know that you want him to "straighten up and fly right", to honor you and your relationship together, to be the sober, responsible partner you want. Unfortunately, those things are not a priority for him. None of us can tell you that they every will or will not be a priority for him.
So, as angry and frustrated as you are right now with your situation--how much angrier would you be if it were 2 years? 5 years? 10 years?
What do you want to do with this one trip we have through life on earth? What are your priorities? What do you think you can do to see that your life is what you would like it to be?
I'm just so sorry to hear about this. It pains me to say that--your boyfriend has a right to do what he wants. I know that you want him to "straighten up and fly right", to honor you and your relationship together, to be the sober, responsible partner you want. Unfortunately, those things are not a priority for him. None of us can tell you that they every will or will not be a priority for him.
So, as angry and frustrated as you are right now with your situation--how much angrier would you be if it were 2 years? 5 years? 10 years?
What do you want to do with this one trip we have through life on earth? What are your priorities? What do you think you can do to see that your life is what you would like it to be?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
A's often think they can give up easily given certain conditions like the arrival of a baby, or moving, or New Year etc. One of the criteria for alcoholism is that they can't fulfil these promises to others or themselves. I myself stopped drinking many times before I finally 'clicked', and that isn't everyone's story.
If you want to see the future make a list of the verbal promises he's made you, then make a list of what he's actually done. If you forget the words and watch the actions you'll get a much clearer picture. He IS telling you what you want to hear, and no doubt trying in his own way. It's hard to believe in sobriety when you're doing it for someone else.
Your ABF knows he has a problem, but he isn't willing to seek full recovery now, maybe never. That's his right, but you're left to think about what you want for the future. Are you planning to have children? Marriage?
If you want to see the future make a list of the verbal promises he's made you, then make a list of what he's actually done. If you forget the words and watch the actions you'll get a much clearer picture. He IS telling you what you want to hear, and no doubt trying in his own way. It's hard to believe in sobriety when you're doing it for someone else.
Your ABF knows he has a problem, but he isn't willing to seek full recovery now, maybe never. That's his right, but you're left to think about what you want for the future. Are you planning to have children? Marriage?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
A's often think they can give up easily given certain conditions like the arrival of a baby, or moving, or New Year etc. One of the criteria for alcoholism is that they can't fulfil these promises to others or themselves. I myself stopped drinking many times before I finally 'clicked', and that isn't everyone's story.
If you want to see the future make a list of the verbal promises he's made you, then make a list of what he's actually done. If you forget the words and watch the actions you'll get a much clearer picture. He IS telling you what you want to hear, and no doubt trying in his own way. It's hard to believe in sobriety when you're doing it for someone else.
Your ABF knows he has a problem, but he isn't willing to seek full recovery now, maybe never. That's his right, but you're left to think about what you want for the future. Are you planning to have children? Marriage?
If you want to see the future make a list of the verbal promises he's made you, then make a list of what he's actually done. If you forget the words and watch the actions you'll get a much clearer picture. He IS telling you what you want to hear, and no doubt trying in his own way. It's hard to believe in sobriety when you're doing it for someone else.
Your ABF knows he has a problem, but he isn't willing to seek full recovery now, maybe never. That's his right, but you're left to think about what you want for the future. Are you planning to have children? Marriage?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amusic…..you are only "stuck" if you think yourself stuck.....
As long as you perceive yourself as stuck...you will remain stuck....
As an adult, you are responsible for yourself and your welfare......he is not.....
He is responsible for his welfare.....he is responsible for the consequences of his actions.....you are not....
This is a basic law of The Universe....it works the same for everyone, everywhere.
The following is a quote from one of my favorite doctors:
"You have brains in your head
and feet in your shoes
And, you can direct them any way
that you choose" by Dr. Seuss
As long as you perceive yourself as stuck...you will remain stuck....
As an adult, you are responsible for yourself and your welfare......he is not.....
He is responsible for his welfare.....he is responsible for the consequences of his actions.....you are not....
This is a basic law of The Universe....it works the same for everyone, everywhere.
The following is a quote from one of my favorite doctors:
"You have brains in your head
and feet in your shoes
And, you can direct them any way
that you choose" by Dr. Seuss
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I was "stuck" with a guy who cheated on me. He proposed, but I suspect it was a stalling tactic - it was a way for him to get me to stay with him while he took his time trying to figure out if he should stay with me.
One of my biggest regrets is that I spent too much time and energy trying to keep us together even though it was very clear that neither of us were happy in it. And there wasn't even drugs or alcohol involved! In the end, he broke up with me and spread stories about how I was abusive and whatnot. I am actually grateful that he ended that miserable relationship, but I am also very mad at myself for tolerating it for so long. I was too afraid,
I sometimes wonder if I had broken up with my ex after the first year if I would have had more time with my husband. I spent years in misery while I could have had something much, much more. Even if I hadn't met my husband, I could have gone to graduate school (which I ended up doing years later) or worked overseas, instead of planning my life around an ex who was incapable of appreciating the love I had for him.
What are you willing to do to live the life you were meant to have?
One of my biggest regrets is that I spent too much time and energy trying to keep us together even though it was very clear that neither of us were happy in it. And there wasn't even drugs or alcohol involved! In the end, he broke up with me and spread stories about how I was abusive and whatnot. I am actually grateful that he ended that miserable relationship, but I am also very mad at myself for tolerating it for so long. I was too afraid,
I sometimes wonder if I had broken up with my ex after the first year if I would have had more time with my husband. I spent years in misery while I could have had something much, much more. Even if I hadn't met my husband, I could have gone to graduate school (which I ended up doing years later) or worked overseas, instead of planning my life around an ex who was incapable of appreciating the love I had for him.
What are you willing to do to live the life you were meant to have?
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
One of my biggest regrets is that I spent too much time and energy trying to keep us together even though it was very clear that neither of us were happy in it. And could have had something much, much more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
I was "stuck" with a guy who cheated on me. He proposed, but I suspect it was a stalling tactic - it was a way for him to get me to stay with him while he took his time trying to figure out if he should stay with me.
One of my biggest regrets is that I spent too much time and energy trying to keep us together even though it was very clear that neither of us were happy in it. And there wasn't even drugs or alcohol involved! In the end, he broke up with me and spread stories about how I was abusive and whatnot. I am actually grateful that he ended that miserable relationship, but I am also very mad at myself for tolerating it for so long. I was too afraid,
I sometimes wonder if I had broken up with my ex after the first year if I would have had more time with my husband. I spent years in misery while I could have had something much, much more. Even if I hadn't met my husband, I could have gone to graduate school (which I ended up doing years later) or worked overseas, instead of planning my life around an ex who was incapable of appreciating the love I had for him.
What are you willing to do to live the life you were meant to have?
One of my biggest regrets is that I spent too much time and energy trying to keep us together even though it was very clear that neither of us were happy in it. And there wasn't even drugs or alcohol involved! In the end, he broke up with me and spread stories about how I was abusive and whatnot. I am actually grateful that he ended that miserable relationship, but I am also very mad at myself for tolerating it for so long. I was too afraid,
I sometimes wonder if I had broken up with my ex after the first year if I would have had more time with my husband. I spent years in misery while I could have had something much, much more. Even if I hadn't met my husband, I could have gone to graduate school (which I ended up doing years later) or worked overseas, instead of planning my life around an ex who was incapable of appreciating the love I had for him.
What are you willing to do to live the life you were meant to have?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amusic…..it will be up to you to remove yourself from his life....
He IS living his life the way he chooses.....
It is up to you to live the way you choose.....
You can't look to him for your own welfare.....that is your responsibility...totally yours.....
He IS living his life the way he chooses.....
It is up to you to live the way you choose.....
You can't look to him for your own welfare.....that is your responsibility...totally yours.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by dandylion
Amusic…..it will be up to you to remove yourself from his life....
He IS living his life the way he chooses.....
It is up to you to live the way you choose.....
You can't look to him for your own welfare.....that is your responsibility...totally yours.....
He IS living his life the way he chooses.....
It is up to you to live the way you choose.....
You can't look to him for your own welfare.....that is your responsibility...totally yours.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amusic…..when I say the word "welfare", I am speaking of the total picture---including your own personal happiness.....
When you say restraining order--can it be assumed that you fear your physical safety, if you were to evict him? If so, I think that you would need to seek help from the l ocal domestic violence organization---if you haven't, already.....Don't let the title put you off...as there are many types of abuse, besides physical.....
The DV staff have ways to help you to figure a safe way out of this relationship....including legal consultation/advice.
You can evict him, if his name is not on the lease. You may, indeed, need a restraining order...I don't know the particulars enough to have a say....
But....evict him, if you have no other route...or get a restraining order, if you need to …..
do whatever you need to do....to protect you own (total) welfare....
When you say restraining order--can it be assumed that you fear your physical safety, if you were to evict him? If so, I think that you would need to seek help from the l ocal domestic violence organization---if you haven't, already.....Don't let the title put you off...as there are many types of abuse, besides physical.....
The DV staff have ways to help you to figure a safe way out of this relationship....including legal consultation/advice.
You can evict him, if his name is not on the lease. You may, indeed, need a restraining order...I don't know the particulars enough to have a say....
But....evict him, if you have no other route...or get a restraining order, if you need to …..
do whatever you need to do....to protect you own (total) welfare....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amusic…..you know---in life, there, sometimes, comes a point where it is no longer what you would like to do, or prefer to do, or, what you want to do....
It reaches a point where it becomes what you have to do.....
When one reaches that point....one just has to soldier on...no matter how painful.....
And, you will prevail...because, a person never knows how much courage they actually have, until courage becomes the only choice....and, then, the courage shows up just at the moment that you need it to.....
I have a feeling that it is your own fears that are holding you back...….
It reaches a point where it becomes what you have to do.....
When one reaches that point....one just has to soldier on...no matter how painful.....
And, you will prevail...because, a person never knows how much courage they actually have, until courage becomes the only choice....and, then, the courage shows up just at the moment that you need it to.....
I have a feeling that it is your own fears that are holding you back...….
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by dandylion
Amusic…..you know---in life, there, sometimes, comes a point where it is no longer what you would like to do, or prefer to do, or, what you want to do....
It reaches a point where it becomes what you have to do.....
When one reaches that point....one just has to soldier on...no matter how painful.....
And, you will prevail...because, a person never knows how much courage they actually have, until courage becomes the only choice....and, then, the courage shows up just at the moment that you need it to.....
I have a feeling that it is your own fears that are holding you back...….
It reaches a point where it becomes what you have to do.....
When one reaches that point....one just has to soldier on...no matter how painful.....
And, you will prevail...because, a person never knows how much courage they actually have, until courage becomes the only choice....and, then, the courage shows up just at the moment that you need it to.....
I have a feeling that it is your own fears that are holding you back...….
you're right. 💯
Amusic…..Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
However the place I'm living at is in my name and he could not afford it without me.
I also would not move out of a place where my name is on the lease and possible damage could be done by a resentful angry alcoholic.
I’m reminded of the saying……………
Alcoholics don’t have relationships – they take hostages.
Now your job is to escape!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Amusic, you mentioned last year that your lease is up this month. Please, whatever you do, don't sign a new lease. If you are TOTALLY stuck for a place to live, go month to month, please don't spend another year locked in fear in this dysfunctional mess.
Let it go.
I totally agree with dandylion about the fear. Seriously, I know fear, I lived with it for a long, long time. I guarantee you it is a complete waste of time and thought. Living in fear is not thinking rationally and thinking rationally right now is your hope. Casting fear aside is not easy, I also totally get that, but you can do this, you can set yourself free from this, you will find the courage. Right now, just go through the steps of doing it, don't worry too much about what is involved in actually doing all that, just set it in motion. First things first, let him know he is out at the end of the month.
Unless there is an actual bear at the door, open it and get the heck out of there Amusic.
I know you probably think well he isn't all bad, he has moments of good, look at that (insert whatever one little thing he might have done a month ago that was nice). Maybe he isn't all bad, but you know he is not good for you and that's all you need to know.
Not good enough, not good enough for you and your life.
The eczema, the other physical signs, these are all real signs of stress. Yes, people get eczema all the time and it's not related but don't shrug it off, it's a real thing, stress and its physical presentation.
Do you have any friends or family you can stay with while you look for another place. Have you told him the lease is up in 5 days and he is no longer welcome?
Do you live in an apartment building with many units? Perhaps you could switch to a new unit at the end of the month? It is certainly worth discussing with the rental office if this is the case. That way you can move and not far and not take him with you.
Let it go.
I totally agree with dandylion about the fear. Seriously, I know fear, I lived with it for a long, long time. I guarantee you it is a complete waste of time and thought. Living in fear is not thinking rationally and thinking rationally right now is your hope. Casting fear aside is not easy, I also totally get that, but you can do this, you can set yourself free from this, you will find the courage. Right now, just go through the steps of doing it, don't worry too much about what is involved in actually doing all that, just set it in motion. First things first, let him know he is out at the end of the month.
Unless there is an actual bear at the door, open it and get the heck out of there Amusic.
I know you probably think well he isn't all bad, he has moments of good, look at that (insert whatever one little thing he might have done a month ago that was nice). Maybe he isn't all bad, but you know he is not good for you and that's all you need to know.
Not good enough, not good enough for you and your life.
The eczema, the other physical signs, these are all real signs of stress. Yes, people get eczema all the time and it's not related but don't shrug it off, it's a real thing, stress and its physical presentation.
Do you have any friends or family you can stay with while you look for another place. Have you told him the lease is up in 5 days and he is no longer welcome?
Do you live in an apartment building with many units? Perhaps you could switch to a new unit at the end of the month? It is certainly worth discussing with the rental office if this is the case. That way you can move and not far and not take him with you.
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