Failing marriage
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
Failing marriage
Hi SR,
I’ve never been good at relationships, I feel I give my all to often rescue or help my partner but I get nothing or abusive treatment in return. I feel unloveable, worthless, just never get what I give. I’m newly married and today my spouse said the love died a long time ago. I’ve gone broke several times supporting him, taking him on vacations, and buying him clothes because I want him to feel loved and worthwhile. On vacations it’s just fights and drama. I have lost all physical feelings towards him after the fights and crazy behavior. Then he’s mad and resentful towards me.This is all a lot to handle at 25 days sober. I’m not sure if separating right now is a good idea because I heard no major changes early in sobriety. My family has done everything to help improve his life as well. The latest example is he’s by choice, no suggestions from me been sleeping on the couch. Today he says I make him sleep on the couch like a dog? I’m not sure if I’m strong enough right now to go through a divorce and stay sober. My job is going well and I’ve been offered a permanent contract position starting in a few weeks for much better money, I guess I should just focus on work and the gym and tip toe around him until I know what to do? He maybe angry because I’m not letting him drink in the house because he got violent the other night. I feel awful and like I just can’t win.
I’ve never been good at relationships, I feel I give my all to often rescue or help my partner but I get nothing or abusive treatment in return. I feel unloveable, worthless, just never get what I give. I’m newly married and today my spouse said the love died a long time ago. I’ve gone broke several times supporting him, taking him on vacations, and buying him clothes because I want him to feel loved and worthwhile. On vacations it’s just fights and drama. I have lost all physical feelings towards him after the fights and crazy behavior. Then he’s mad and resentful towards me.This is all a lot to handle at 25 days sober. I’m not sure if separating right now is a good idea because I heard no major changes early in sobriety. My family has done everything to help improve his life as well. The latest example is he’s by choice, no suggestions from me been sleeping on the couch. Today he says I make him sleep on the couch like a dog? I’m not sure if I’m strong enough right now to go through a divorce and stay sober. My job is going well and I’ve been offered a permanent contract position starting in a few weeks for much better money, I guess I should just focus on work and the gym and tip toe around him until I know what to do? He maybe angry because I’m not letting him drink in the house because he got violent the other night. I feel awful and like I just can’t win.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Violence is never OK for any reason.
I would consider having him move out--the "no major changes" idea isn't valid when you've got someone who is emotionally / physically abusing you.
You are strong enough to do this sober--what about getting some therapy lined up and getting some additional face to face support during this difficult time?
I would consider having him move out--the "no major changes" idea isn't valid when you've got someone who is emotionally / physically abusing you.
You are strong enough to do this sober--what about getting some therapy lined up and getting some additional face to face support during this difficult time?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I agree with Hawkeye - Violence is non-negotiable.
Sometimes we need to make changes for our own well-being and safety. The trick is to have a good support system and a good plan and not let those changes, however painful, derail our recovery.
D
Sometimes we need to make changes for our own well-being and safety. The trick is to have a good support system and a good plan and not let those changes, however painful, derail our recovery.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi Mariposa. So sorry for your situation. I'm not an alcoholic so I can't address that side of this.
As has been said, violence is never ok, no, not even once. Your home should be a safe and comforting place for you, not a trial.
I understand from what you are saying that you have been taking care of everyone but yourself. Time to put that focus back on you. Through these bad relationships and whatever you may have gone through growing up it's obvious your self-worth and self-esteem have taken a beating. That is where you focus should be. You are worthy of respect and kind treatment from people. You are not bad or evil or unloveable.
You may want to get a book entitled Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. In it you will find tools to cope with all kinds of relationships and how to set personal boundaries in your life. With those boundaries in place you won't allow people to treat you with anything less than respect.
Don't worry about going through a divorce or anything else right now except your safety. He sounds off-balance. If you can you might ask him to leave. If you do not feel that would be safe is there anywhere you can go, family, friends?
If you are unsure about leaving and want to seek some wise advice, I would strongly suggest you contact the DV Hotline, it's confidential:
https://www.thehotline.org/
There are also links in both these threads to all kinds of resources:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)
As has been said, violence is never ok, no, not even once. Your home should be a safe and comforting place for you, not a trial.
I understand from what you are saying that you have been taking care of everyone but yourself. Time to put that focus back on you. Through these bad relationships and whatever you may have gone through growing up it's obvious your self-worth and self-esteem have taken a beating. That is where you focus should be. You are worthy of respect and kind treatment from people. You are not bad or evil or unloveable.
You may want to get a book entitled Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. In it you will find tools to cope with all kinds of relationships and how to set personal boundaries in your life. With those boundaries in place you won't allow people to treat you with anything less than respect.
Don't worry about going through a divorce or anything else right now except your safety. He sounds off-balance. If you can you might ask him to leave. If you do not feel that would be safe is there anywhere you can go, family, friends?
If you are unsure about leaving and want to seek some wise advice, I would strongly suggest you contact the DV Hotline, it's confidential:
https://www.thehotline.org/
There are also links in both these threads to all kinds of resources:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I agree. No major changes doesn't include violence. Please take a look at this information:
Domestic Abuse Defined
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Abuse information and support for every woman and every girl on Earth
Home « HotPeachPages International
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
http://www.thehotline.org/
Canada
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
800-655-Hope
Domestic Abuse Defined
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Abuse information and support for every woman and every girl on Earth
Home « HotPeachPages International
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
http://www.thehotline.org/
Canada
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
800-655-Hope
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,964
I’m so sorry, Mariposa!
I agree with what everyone else has said. This is definitely an exception to no major changes. And I believe in you. I think you can handle this! If I had waited for life circumstances to improve before sobering up, I’d still be drinking. Life won’t stop throwing us curve balls just because we get sober. But being sober will make things easier to handle and you won’t be doing further damage as you would drinking through the problems.
Please check in here often for support! You got this!
I agree with what everyone else has said. This is definitely an exception to no major changes. And I believe in you. I think you can handle this! If I had waited for life circumstances to improve before sobering up, I’d still be drinking. Life won’t stop throwing us curve balls just because we get sober. But being sober will make things easier to handle and you won’t be doing further damage as you would drinking through the problems.
Please check in here often for support! You got this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
Thank you for the replies, I was just trying to keep everything as calm as possible during recovery but I have to do something because I don’t want my safety, or especially my little puppies’ safety in jeopardy. It’s the same thing every time he drinks he acts like a jerk. I need him to get himself situated elsewhere then he can drink and mess up his life all on his own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
The domestic abuse isn’t a huge issue, yet, it’s that he’s damaged a wall by throwing a stool and raised his hand. This all this frightening to me and the puppies, and worse he’s not sorry. I imagine it could get worse since this is his reaction after only 5 beers. I’m in a very tough place financially but getting myself out. I do plan to end the relationship, just trying to keep from drama and heartache. Thank you all for the support, this has been on going but by getting sober I can see the pattern of his behavior more clearly and it’s ridiculous.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
That pattern of behavior can easily turn into outright physical abuse, especially if he's drinking. It's dangerous. Not to mention the line has already been crossed into emotional abuse, and that can be worse (I know from experience) because people who do that are masters at making things seem like they are YOUR fault. Without strong self-esteem and boundaries, it's all too easy to accept the gaslighting. Do it safely, but get either him or you out of the home as soon as possible.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Home means Nevada
Posts: 24
My advice (recently divorced) is to start planning for yourself financially. Get something in order so you can make a break from him and the house. I found it was easier for me to leave then it was to convince his stubborn butt to get out.
Good luck. Im sorry you are going through this! It will be MUCH harder if you start drinking again. It wont numb the situation, it will just make you less likely to see it clearly.
Good luck. Im sorry you are going through this! It will be MUCH harder if you start drinking again. It wont numb the situation, it will just make you less likely to see it clearly.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Originally Posted by mariposa 
The domestic abuse isn’t a huge issue, yet, it’s that he’s damaged a wall by throwing a stool and raised his hand. This all this frightening to me and the puppies, and worse he’s not sorry. I imagine it could get worse since this is his reaction after only 5 beers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
You Express a pattern in your life and abuse from your partner. Please contact the providers given. I used Crisis intervention services, yes my wife was verbally abusive but she also sent me to the hospital. It never got better it only got worse.
Action
Action
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
Zero tolerance- with violence.
Yes- it is suggested no major changes in early recovery...but you are not adding a new stress, but if you leave- removing an existing one. Your safety and well being come first. It is the plight of the active alcoholic (I know- because I was a hateful verbal drunk) to lash out at anything that seems to be fair game. Much of my verbal crap to others- was actually directed at my self loathing, but my brain was too fried to understand this.
My prayers and support to you.
Yes- it is suggested no major changes in early recovery...but you are not adding a new stress, but if you leave- removing an existing one. Your safety and well being come first. It is the plight of the active alcoholic (I know- because I was a hateful verbal drunk) to lash out at anything that seems to be fair game. Much of my verbal crap to others- was actually directed at my self loathing, but my brain was too fried to understand this.
My prayers and support to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,964
I can tell from your posts that you are a strong person, Mariposa. And you are correct about seeing everything more clearly when you are sober. With more sober time, you will see this more and more. It’s like coming out of the fog.
Please don’t hesitate to look for community support resources in your area. I have a couple friends who went through this and had the help of a women’s shelter. They are now divorced, living on their own with their children, and the hell is behind them. One is dating again in a loving relationship. There is a better life for you.
Please don’t hesitate to look for community support resources in your area. I have a couple friends who went through this and had the help of a women’s shelter. They are now divorced, living on their own with their children, and the hell is behind them. One is dating again in a loving relationship. There is a better life for you.
Last edited by Fearlessat50; 04-26-2019 at 06:50 AM. Reason: Typo
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Mariposa- first, great job on 25 days and I hope 2 more. And, I recall having the same conflicted thoughts about it not being bad enough when I had to lock myself in the bathroom and he tried to break in - or he sorta kinda threw me on the rug....leaving was hard and yes, drinking was involved, and no I didn't do it all at once because it felt so hard to "just go" or such. I get it and feel for you.
You also mention puppies....when I left I packed just what I could and got my tiny dog, and went to work - my mom met me there and took everything.
For me, getting sober was quit or die- and you've got what sounds like a literal quit or die situation boiling with your husband.
It sounds so "wrong" to put ourselves first but I really hope you will - now.
We're here, too - please get IRL help asap.
You also mention puppies....when I left I packed just what I could and got my tiny dog, and went to work - my mom met me there and took everything.
For me, getting sober was quit or die- and you've got what sounds like a literal quit or die situation boiling with your husband.
It sounds so "wrong" to put ourselves first but I really hope you will - now.
We're here, too - please get IRL help asap.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
As someone who's experienced spousal violence (former relationship) it starts with punching walls or throwing objects - but it doesn't stop there.
No one here can make you do anything Mariposa - but please at least listen.
D
No one here can make you do anything Mariposa - but please at least listen.
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I’ve been in some relationships that weren’t healthy. They were very toxic places to be for an alcoholic / addict.
I stayed in unhealthy relationships even when I knew in my guts and my heart that they were unhealthy.
not being in those kinds of relationships was a huge success factor in my recovery.
i get the sense you already know what the most healthy decision is for your recovery..... recovery involves doing the hard work, honoring our truth, doing whatever it takes.
I stayed in unhealthy relationships even when I knew in my guts and my heart that they were unhealthy.
not being in those kinds of relationships was a huge success factor in my recovery.
i get the sense you already know what the most healthy decision is for your recovery..... recovery involves doing the hard work, honoring our truth, doing whatever it takes.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
