Looking4Hope19

Hello, my younger brother is an alcoholic for nearly a decade now. He went to jail for 6 months for multiple DUIs, got out, got a job, met a girl and went back to school. We were with him through the whole journey and were happy to see that he finally got his life together. 4 years later we find out 2 months their wedding that he never stopped drinking. And a year and a half later learn that it's even worse than it's ever been.

I am getting married in the Fall and my parents offered my fiance and I our wedding fund to use as a down payment on a house instead of a big wedding (like my brother and his wife had), which we took. Now, my brother gets drunk and calls my mom and then me, telling us thats its unfair that I get X amount of money and he doesn't. He won't go to my Dad because he knows my Dad will shut it down. He refuses to get help, and his wife is about to leave him over it. My mom is an enabler, which is why he goes crying to her. He never communicates with the family unless he wants something. She tells me that she tells him that this is my wedding money and that when the time comes they'll help with his down payment on his house, even though his wife's family has already offered down payment money.

So I told my mom last night she lets him manipulate her and that she needs to tough-love him here. Today I tell my mom that I'm hurt that she told my brother he could have down payment money also, after my fiance and I are giving up our wedding so we could have our house. She tells me it's not my business how she spends her money. I said "I agree, did you tell my brother that?" and then she yelled at me and hung up.

I'm VERY hurt that I'm the bad guy here. She lets him treat her awful because "he has a problem" but then turns around and treats me awful when I've done nothing wrong. But its ok for him to call her and try to guilt trip her into giving him money because I'm getting money for my "wedding"? And I'm furious at my brother now, more so than ever, because he created a rift in our close family. I have no support, and I'm sick of being the bad guy when I've done NOTHING.

Mango212

http://www.al-anon.org/

Stepping out of the dysfunctional dynamic is amazing for our own lives.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR Looking4Hope. We can only help ourselves..I do hope your brother can find the courage to face his problem head on. I'd suggest for your own good that you disengage as you have no control over his actions. Your mom is and adult and can deal with her own issues as she sees fit.

trailmix

You are not a bad guy because you don't have a problem.

What your Mom said is true, she can spend her money any way she wants - as you agreed. Is this "fair" - well maybe, maybe not, who said it all had to be fair though?

Is she enabling him, quite possibly. She may even be doing more harm than good, again, not your call.

Al-Anon would be a good place to start, you may also want to check out the friends and family forum

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Plenty of good information there and helpful people too!

Detachment from this kind of situation is key. Not your circus, not your monkeys:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rty-lines.html (Detachment - Property Lines)

suki44883

How is your Mom treating you awful?

Lucy79

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been in a similar situation for many, many years. I'm an alcoholic myself, but I also have a step brother who is an alcoholic and a brother in law who is an alcoholic. Both are in there forties and live at home, paying no rent, not contributing to anything and spending all of their income on booze while having their moms do their laundry and cook and clean up after them. Even scrubbing vomit off the floors and front porches from drunken nights. It's enabling at it's finest. And to top it off, both parents are leaving their homes to both alcoholics because "they have no place to go when we are not here anymore". Does it infuriate the rest of the family? Heck yes!! They won't even be able to afford the taxes on the home or upkeep and will probably sell them and drink themselves to death. BUT, over the years I have learned to turn a blind eye. It isn't my money, home, life etc. Both parents have stated numerous times how fed up they are but continue enabling despite what the rest of the family tells them. I cannot let this bother me anymore because it will eat me alive. Not my circus and not my monkeys. I just pray they will get well, not just the alcoholics, but the enablers, because even if you don't think it, they are suffering just as much. I hope the situation improves or you can make peace with it.

Dee74

Hi Looking4Hope - welcome

I think it's nice of your folks to give you the money as a down payment on a house. I'd much prefer that to a wedding.

What they or your mom does with your brother is really up to her,

I understand it feels like he's getting more, but for your own peace of mind I think you have to let it go.

You could go to your Dad and maybe get it shut down - you may get what you want but then you'll be neck deep in all the doo-dah that will follow.

You obviously have a great girl, and a good life ahead, with a great headstart on the house..

Sounds like your mom is trying to love your brother into recovery - it's very common.

I can only imagine how much my parents were at their wits end over me.

D

fini

you could choose to focus on the fact that you are getting married and your parents are doing a fabulous thing by helping you and your bride to get a good start.
what they do with your brother has nothing to do with you; that is solely about him and them, no matter how unfair it might seem.