PeacefulWater12

Hello all

Not sure what I need here, maybe some experience, strength and hope from anyone going or gone through similar.

Back story. AH and I been together about 15 years, drank and isolated together for about 8 years, I then managed to get sober and have been working my programs (AA, OA, Al-anon) since.

I have lived in Al-anon program and AH and I have mostly got on ok. The arrangement seemed to suit both of us. He had free access to his alcohol. Ordered online as he does not go out. He became ill and over the years it has progressed very much. The medical people feel is only short time left for him.

The issue I am struggling with is, that up to last couple weeks, I have been able to detach from his alcoholic behaviours and focus on me working my (much needed) own programs.

I have lost this ability. Everything is hitting me right in the face. I am his care giver and this has not particularly bothered me, again up until now.

The process is in place that as he declines, he will have professional carers come in and see to him. Palliative care also in place. So that is not resting on me at all, quite rightly as per my Al-anon program.

He and I normally get along reasonably well. He does his thing, I do mine. We house share really. Which suits us. Meet up for coffee and a meal in the middle.

I saw my doctor yesterday, she understands but could only offer anti-depressants. Something I do not want. I am booked to go back in couple weeks.

I can no longer "detach with love". To use Al-anon advice. The ability has left me. I am flooded with resentment, anger, grief for what I see playing out in front of me.

Seren

Hello PeacefulWater, It's nice to see you again!

Congratulations on your nearly 9 years of sober time!! That is quite an accomplishment.

I know that detaching with love is always the goal with Al-Anon, to have peace in spite of what our alcoholic loved ones are doing. I've been fortunate in that the loved ones in my life are family members whom I do not live with.

I don't know that I would be strong enough--that there would be enough Al-Anon meetings or antidepressants in the world to make me detach with love while someone I love drank themselves to death in front of me. It's like standing by and watching someone slowly commit suicide in my own home--knowing there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

I just want you to know that you are heard and supported! I'm glad you have another appointment with your doctor. Do you have an Al-Anon sponsor you can talk to?

biminiblue

I don't have any experience like what you describe PW but you are such a positive hopeful person and I just wanted to support you.

I do have experience with death of loved ones, some of whom did nothing to prevent and even nudged along their own deaths. I also divorced due (partly) to substance abuse and partly because I realized I couldn't live with the refusal on my husband's part to face up to and change things into a marriage that was tolerable for me.

My father died at age 41 as an alcoholic and all my other close family has died over the years. I just don't think there is a way to be a cool calm cucumber all the way through it. It is the most painful thing ever, and I totally understand your feeling of losing your composure. I wish there was a way to make it easier.

Just know that you are going to survive this, there is an end date. You will be given the strength.

hopeful4

I dare say you are going through grief, and anger is a stage of that. While the goal is to detatch with love, that is not always possible every moment of the day, and I think that is quite normal. Your sobriety must stay first, what a wonderful accomplishment and gift to give yourself and those that love you.

Honor your feelings and know they are not "wrong."

Sending you a big hug.

dandylion

PW....in a way, I think that the anger is a protection from the more painful feelings that may lie underneath.....protecting you from becoming too overwhelmed....

trailmix

Despite the best teachings and intent, you are not a robot. Even watching your room-mate in that shape would be emotional.

I also think there can be a difference between detaching (with love or not) and ignoring. None of us are perfect "detachers" I would say. I still get resentful, angry and frustrated from time to time when doing this - this seems normal to me.

We can talk about pureness of intent. We can say if you purely, truly detach from someone then you won't have these feelings. I personally don't think that is do-able or realistic all the time. We are feeling human beings and that is how it should be and to expect ourselves to shut off (basically) normal reactions to what may or may not be abnormal situations is unrealistic.

The person who you rub along with ok is declining. If he hadn't spent the last 10 years drinking and continuing to drink I'm guessing, you would not be in the position of care-giver. He would not be leaving probably and none of this planning for his eventual early demise would be necessary. You knew this was coming, it has been planned for, that doesn't make it easier emotionally right now. That was a plan for some "future" time. The reality of it is stark.

Who can watch that without some anger, resentment and sadness.

There will be a new normal. You will get through this (or you will decide to leave to make this easier on yourself, this is still an option).

SparkleKitty

It's not what you feel, but what you do with those feelings that matter. Which is good since that part is the only one you can control.

We can't be perfect all the time. We feel what we feel. This situation sounds simply awful and you would have to not be human to completely detach from it 100% of the time.

Perhaps a change in your routine will help you process that resentment, anger and grief and come back to the place of acceptance of him for exactly who he is and where he is at right now.

atalose

My opinion on detaching with love from the behaviors of the alcoholic is that detaching should be a temporary step one takes until they can figure out the next. I personally don’t feel that it should become a way of life. After all if I have to detach from the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with then what’s the point?

It’s extremely hard to separate the person from their behaviors when it’s right there in our faces 24/7.

Did I love my ex – yes. Did I have compassion for my ex – absolutely but at some point in time I no longer could participate as a witness to his self-destruction.

As it’s said, we can’t heal in the same place that makes us sick.
I am sorry you are struggling, maybe it’s time for a well needed physical break. Find things to do outside of the shared residence as often as you can.

PeacefulWater12

A heartfelt thank you to the very kind and thoughtful responses.

When I reached out this morning in a state of despair and exhaustion, I had no idea what to expect or how my day would pan out.

As is always the way, which I should know and accept by now in recovery, my need for help was responded to. From seemingly nowhere, I had phone calls and an email offering all manner of help. Both on a practical level for at home and on a level of distractions for me and me increasing my experience in live. My growth. All arrived within an couple hours.

This process feels like a miracle as so often miracles arrive.

You are right, I am not a robot, of course I have feelings. Of course this is very painful. A whole assortment of emotions are attached to it. Yes, frustration as all the ill health is caused by AH's disease of alcoholism. His early passing will be too. Yet I was in that place of being hopelessly addicted. So it was a toss of a coin as to which one of us found sobriety and which did not.

Seren - Thank you. I do feel "heard". I think this was what I needed in many ways. I am blessed with a fantastic sponsor, thanks.

BiminiBlue - Thank you. So sorry to read about the loss of your family members. You rightly highlight that I am looking for the strength to see this through. It feels important to me to see it through.

Hopeful4 - Thank you about my sobriety. I value it greatly and work my programs daily to take care of it and me.

Dandylion - Thank you, I also think part of my anger is to ease the more painful feelings of the grief of watching him die a bit more each day. To know he will be gone.

TrailMix - Thank you for reply. Yes, it is now stark reality. The plans made quite some time ago for his likely decline are playing out in front of me. Planning is one thing, seeing it is quite another.

SparkleKitty - thank you, I am accepting I am human and I will have feelings. I have very good self care routines in place but I see I need to increase them a lot.

AtALose - thank you. I agree that I need to be away from our home more. Funnily enough one of the above helps I mentioned that appeared today, was a response to an email I sent offering to do voluntary work at a school. I think this will be a very positive uplift for me.

I also think detaching is meant as a temporary measure not ideal at all for long term.

Many thanks again for all the kind support and for hearing me

Mango212

Detach with love means just that --- detach, kindly. I detach much easier and very kindly in living very far away from my husband. When he has periods of recovery, I'm able to have gratitude for them. Much like dealing with dementia, only with very different and counterintuitive actions. I don't stay. It's not healthy for me. I can't get him to get help.

I can create a life of my own.

I'm confident if divorce is meant to be, it'll be worked out smoother now that I've had more recovery. We could marry each other again after he's had a significant period of recovery. If we stay married, that's also in my HP's hands. Life is good. I love my husband. It's not in my power to deal with his alcoholism.

PeacefulWater12

Hello all, I wanted to share an update. All of the struggles and negativity left me. I woke up this morning still feeling it, suddenly I felt it lift away.

I have no idea why. It just floated away. I have been interacting with AH with no problem at all. He was doing what he always does. No impact on me at all. In fact some of the time, I was enjoying his company.

What I have been doing today as well for myself is getting involved in more outside my home events. Got plenty of new things lined up to try. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone which can only be a good thing.

Many thanks again for all the help and perspectives.

Sasha1972

Just wanted to say that I am really impressed by your attitude. You sound compassionate in your detachment - you are observing what is going on with AH and you understand that this is tragic, but it doesn't sound like you feel that you should take responsibility or do things for him, or that his decline is your fault. I can only hope to achieve such mindful but humane awareness of alcoholic decline. I really admire you.

PeacefulWater12

Thank you, Sasha, I very much appreciate your post.

I do not in any way feel responsible for AH's drinking. He, of course, in the past tried to point the finger at me. Say that because I quit, he was miserable at losing his drinking partner so he needed to drink more. Pure nonsense, alcoholic thinking.

Part of my own recovery program coming from an alcoholic family was to learn not to enable, be a codie, people please and a whole long list of other traits I wanted to be rid of.

Remaining with AH, I felt was an ideal chance for me to work on all of this. This is my third relationship with a particular sort of dysfunctional man, it will be my last. I kept repeating the same pattern.

In previous relationships when it got difficult, I just left and took up with another man who had a different face, but same way of acting.

Just to toot my own horn for a moment, I am stunned at the changes in me, how far I have been able to grow. Way more than I thought ever possible. I love working my program , it is beyond satisfying.

I was very self destructive and crashing along like a train wreck all my life, leaving wreckage along the way on other people. I am so different now. I like myself. I like how I live in the world.

Thank you again, Sasha

hopeful4

Good for you Peaceful...you are moving forward in a healthy way for yourself!

PeacefulWater12

Thank you, Hopeful4. I very much hope I am.

Have been doing things way out of my comfort zone today, have gone well. It feels so uncomfortable at first! Like my head will explode. It doesn't, of course.

Amongst other things, AH was trying to manipulate me into buying him a new phone today! No chance. I did not respond at all, changed the subject. Did not allow myself to get hooked in.

I was pleased, in the past I would have got hooked in by what ever sad story he would have been telling as to why I needed to buy him a new phone.

He uses waif, victim, old helpless dying man mode on me! It used to work well. Funny thing is, the act he used to use is coming true! Boy who cried wolf.

I am feeling good.

hopeful4

Good for you that you were not reeled in! Sending peaceful hugs!

Sasha1972

Thanks for your further updates! These are really good to read.

PeacefulWater12

Another update to my updates. So much more being revealed to me. Issues I can not see are suddenly coming into view. Is painful but I am so grateful.

Also more help appearing for me. Exactly the right people appearing in my life at exactly the right time. Some examples for me to learn from. I am soaking it up.

In between my learnings, I am resting and being kind to myself.

I can see my past behaviours are not who I was, there were behaviours, I was not them.

I am also learning a lot from the posts in this Friends and Family of Alkies forum. My mind has switched perceptive, I see them from a completely different angle. A far healthier, more balanced one, I think.

There are two parts to all interactions between two people. Two roles that compliment each other. A dance between two people. Two people who follow the same steps. AH and myself now dance different dances.

When I was an active A, I was unpleasant, however when I was an active co-dependent was I was far more dangerous and damaging to others. I have heard this said by others but I didnt understand it. I suddenly do. Enabling and co-dependent behaviour is harmful and can literally kill. Whilst at the same time telling the codie what a lovely, caring person they are and how they are "helping" someone else.

Another of my addictions woke up and started to try and create havoc in my life. I saw it, acknowledged it, work to make it dormant again.

Learning, learning, learning.

Needabreak

I absolutely agree with this. And I speak as someone who was never addicted to a substance, and who has worked hard on her own codependency.

I spent a long time being angry about my ex and the harm he caused. It wasn't till I got past my anger that I saw just how much harm I had caused to myself and others by getting into and staying in that relationship, and using it to avoid facing my own demons.

Unacknowledged and untreated codependence is a really, really scary thing. As full of denial, manipulation and delusion as addiction is. But codependency can be even more cunning than addiction somehow because we can pass ourselves off as "helping, self-sacrificing, good and kind" when we are often just people-pleasing, and using the weaknesses, sickness and addiction of other people to avoid facing the pain within ourselves.

It's good to see people here working on themselves. It can be frustrating when they are still in that denial stage, but we all have to start somewhere.....

PeacefulWater12

Thank you for all of this, Need A Break. A resounding amen to all you say.

It's amazing that once out of denial about codie behaviours I have been able to see how utterly insane they are. My codie stuff is far more insane than I was as active daily drunk.

I did truly insane codie stuff stone cold sober!

Also a very loud "amen" to using codie behaviour to distract from facing my own problems. Firmly putting all my focus on various boyfriends, then husband behaviours. Also you got to say, wait who picked out all these various addicts etc to partner up with? That would be ME! So I always had someone to use to make me feel superior too, to "help", to distract me from doing the recovery work I so desperately needed.

You nailed it when you said about coming out of denial about codie behaviours. That is what has suddenly happened for me, hence why reading posts on here now seem completely different to me.

I have often "helped" clean up a mess or pay a debt an addict I am dating/married to has created. Now this might have been the mess that they needed to face the consequences of that may have helped them reach readiness to quit. However, I stopped that for my own self serving purposes.

A lot of this is why I opted to remain with AH as I just KNEW if I walked away, I would be racing to the next person I judged to need my help(!) Repeat it all over again. I didn't trust myself to remain single while I did all the recovery work I needed. AH does me a favour by giving me breathing time to use.

Great stuff, thank you again Need A Break.