Sated

My brother is spiraling. He was doing so good, from an outsiders view. He has a month away from getting 50/50 custody of his kids back (or at least that was the next court date) and he got a DUI. He has since lost his car (assuming he used the title for a loan and defaulted) had his bike stolen, changed jobs to some crummy kitchen job close to his apartment instead of his decent detailing job. He stopped replying to my mom and his ex. He replies to me when I reach out but each time I ask how things are going he is worse and worse. I guess last night he was jumped and he needs another new job. I want to help by asking if he needs to do laundry at our place, or something practical (my fiancé has even offered to vouch for him to get him a union job but is worried that he wont do the work)...but Im not sure how to proceed. I offer to be there for him, but he never reaches out (this isn't unusual, he has never been one to reach out) it just makes me so sad.

So, how can I help without enabling him?

Mango212

Hi Sated,

As illogical as it seems, doing our own recovery through Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery or counseling with an addiction specialist who works with family members actually is helpful for alcoholics/addicts we care about.

http://www.al-anon.org/

rescuer

You can help by suggesting some options for professional help. But this will only be useful if he actually accepts he has a problem and WANTS help. If he's not there I suspect you can't do anything for him. Help with practical things might just be enabling, I dunno. I've always struggled with this as well - when does 'normal' family behaviour become enabling? It's really hard to figure out and even harder to accept and act on.
Courage and strength to you in this difficult period.

trailmix

There is a fine line between "helping" and enabling and it's important to look out for yourselves as well.

Sometimes enabling is described as doing something for someone else that they could do for themselves.

You mentioned that he never reaches out. When you do, offering help (if you have done this before) what has the response been? If you invite him over for dinner for instance, does he accept and show up? I'm just wondering if he even wants your help?

I think inviting him over to do his laundry would be a nice gesture, if he is unable to afford to do his laundry. This might help him in getting a new job.

Have you attended Al-Anon at anytime? It's a group for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts and you might find their guidance really helpful. Also, there is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent, of course, but there is good information in there about boundaries in relationships and you might find it helpful.

Sorry for not being of more help, it's rather impossible to help someone, like your Brother, who is not actually asking for help. I personally don't think it's my place to ever stop anyone from drinking or not. There are lots of organizations available including AA, to help people that do want to quit. In reading your earlier thread I see that your parents helped him out financially during his custody hearings, to no avail as he got the DUI. That doesn't sound like someone looking for recovery.

LLLisa

You get out of his way. His actions are showing you that he is doing exactly what he wants to be doing. Get out of his way and leave him to it.

FeelingGreat

He's likely to be going through a crisis of mind right now, judging from his self-sabotage with his children. You can't interfere productively with this process; he has to work things out in his own head.

You can see that standing out of his way is also giving him the dignity of working things out for himself. If by chance he comes through making changes to his life, it will be worth more than all the well meaning help he's ever had.

I have a sibling who drank heavily at a period in her life when it was most important to be sober. Nothing we said to her had any influence. Eventually when she met her future husband she stabilised, but has lost one child who has refused to see her since he was 12. The other went right off the rails for years.

Let your brother know you are there for him, but say back, let him come to you, and don't do anything for him he could do for himself. You will be showing him respect by acting this way.