ConfusedGuy

Yesterday was first day I did not 'check in' here. Just did not feel like it to be honest, and I try to check in every day as it is early days for me.

But last 2 days gone from feeling so positive to just tired and low. Sounds strange I think maybe - been doing what I think I should be, then last two days I feeling a bit 'whats the point'.

And nothing has changed. Still eating healthy, not drinking, Just tired all the time last few days.

When I finish work today I walk out and see people on their way out. And the lights and people look happy. And I suppose a part of me wants that and I cant have it, and I did think 'oh, one more evening wont hurt, just dont drink too much' - this is the 'Alcoholic Voice'.
I already have Alcoholic Hepatitis - I must not drink anything. But the voice keeps saying 'one last time wont hurt' and I know its a lie. Its like a conflict going on in my head.

So I head home to my apartment. Dinner for one. Bored. Too tired and lazy to do anything tonight. Feeling sorry for me. I did not add anything to my list last night, I try add 6 things a day. So before I sleep tonight I WILL add 12 things. Its not hard to do even though some things might sound silly to anyone else.

It is 23:26 now. I was kipping on sofa - cannot bother to wash dishes tonight.

Maybe is just a bad head day. Maybe tomorrow feel different, seems like I been on a high for a few days before I then crashed. Maybe go for a walk in Park Probdy tomorrow if its nice.

and tomorrow when I wake I will have 13 days.

So - IM STILL SOBER !!!!!!!!!

Thanks.

sobersophie

Hey ConfusedGuy, congrats on 12 days - that is amazing! A few things on your post:

Firstly, these feelings are completely normal and your alcoholic voice will get quieter and less powerful as you build up sober time. It sounds like you have a good attitude towards it.

Secondly, it is completely possible to have fun and enjoy the lights and the hustle and bustle without drinking. It is also possible to enjoy a night in with a takeaway, have a great time at a family occasion, have a relaxing holiday, whatever your 'thing' is. I wasn't sure this would be possible at first but promise that it is.

Lastly and most importantly, you have been told that you mustn't drink and that to do so would have tragic consequences. Sobriety must be your top priority. I think you know this but just reiterating to make sure the old AV heard it!

Love to you. Hope you sleep well and feel brighter tomorrow x

least

It's normal in early recovery to feel up and down at times. If you stay sober this should get better with time.

saoutchik

For people like us alcohol is as much a part of our life as a partner or a job, our lives revolve around it. It follows therefore that if and when we quit there is this gaping hole in our life that was already there but which we chose to disguise by getting intoxicated.

It will get better in time, in roughly another month or so going to bed sober will just be the normal thing, as will not drinking in the evening - you will get to a point where you go days without even thinking about it. Seriously.

The hard work is to make sure you get to that point. In my case I would force myself to get up and dressed at a ridiculously early hour so that I would collapse into bed at 9pm. It made the cravings go away on most nights and cravings were the hardest thing to overcome for me. It will not be like this for ever and you really don't want to damage yourself even further.

Well done on staying sober!

Anna

Hi ConfusedGuy,

I'm sorry that you're feeling down. The thing is that it's still early days and your moods are likely up and down as your body adjusts. I hope you can find new ways to have fun on the weekends as you continue your recovery.

mariposa

snitch

Congratulations on 12 days CG. Nearly 2 weeks! That is fantastic , it really is. I can completely identify with everything you are feeling right now. I went through exactly the same thing. My primary purpose every day was to stay sober so as long as I got my head on the pillow that night sober then it was a good day. I didn't have any alcohol related illnesses (that I am aware of) but I was lucky to come out of my last binge alive so I know that to drink is to die for me. I HAD to stay sober no matter what.

Did you manage to check out any AA meetings? It really helped me to be with other recovering alcoholics both for support and for something to do even. Because everything I did before involved alcohol. Even just sitting in a meeting and listening to others share their experience, strength and Hope helps so much in the early days.

I live on the south coast of England in a vibrant city full of bars and pubs. Everywhere I go are my old drinking haunts. I would see people going out, drinking, laughing and I would want to be doing the same. So badly. I would say the Serenity Prayer over and over and over. God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. And I would say, I cannot change the fact that I am an alcoholic. And that I cannot drink safely or moderately. But I can change my outlook. I can eirher feel deprived because I cannot drink or I can make the best out of the situation. I can change my routine, my friends, the places I hang out. Dont get me wrong, it wasnt easy. I had to find the tools to help me do that. I just kept getting up and really going through the motions to be honest, going to meetings, praying, reading AA literature, reading SR, posting on my support thread here, finding things to be grateful for . One day I came out of an AA meeting. It was a horrible evening and to the right of the meeting was one of my old haunts. A cosy pub with sparkly lights and a warm fireplace, people socialising. To the left was my home. My daughter was at my dads. There was no one there. I would be alone. I stood outside that meeting and I wanted to turn right so badly. But I didn't. I turned left and went home. I am so glad I did. I have never regretted not drinking.

On Christmas day I had booked a table at that same pub for myself, my sister, my friend and our kids for Christmas dinner. I didn't realise it but I was still trying to hang on to my old ideas. My old ways. It turned out to be a horrible day. They were both drinking heavily, there was free prosecco on the table, they kept going outside for cigarettes and leaving me on my own to look after the kids. Our food order was messed up. At one point I was alone with this bottle of alcohol in front of me and I was like you said, so conflicted . At the same time I wanted to down it and also to throw it at the wall!!!! By 5pm I had a headache and just wanted to leave. There was an AA meeting on at 6pm. I told my sister I needed to go. I got there and felt so much relief. I was with my own kind. On the way home from that meeting, something happened to me. The obsession to drink left me. I realised that pubs and bars held nothing for me anymore. That was my old life. It was time for a new chapter. New experiences. I felt totally uplifted. And free! Yesterday was the first time since Christmas day I have been in a pub and I went in for food. Ate and left. I didnt want to drink at all but I also felt zero desire to return. I went to bars and pubs to drink. Period . There is nothing there for me now.

My point is please dont get despondent and give up. It takes time. It took me 8 months to get to that point and now a further 4 months to really feel like a non drinker and I am still way early doors in recovery. You are on the right path now CG. Please dont look back. A bottle holds nothing for you anymore. There is so much life out there waiting to be experienced sober. It will take time to come through the wreckage of drinking, us alcoholics are impatient. But you will get there one step, one day at a time.

Be grateful today that you are going to bed sober. Be grateful you will wake hangover free. Be grateful you will wake without guilt nor shame or regret. Be grateful you have found SR. Be grateful you know that you need never drink again and be in that pit of despair you once were in . Be grateful that no matter how boring or lonely or crap your day is it is still a thousand times better than any day numbing yourself to life or recovering from a binge .

Today I went to a bbq that someone from my AA group was hosting. All of us there were in recovery. I have never seen so many cans of diet coke in my life!!! I had a great time. Good company, food, music, laughter, fun, and I left at a reasonable time with my daughter and got home and packed for work tomorrow and we both had a bath and are now in bed. This time last year I was a walking zombie on day 8 of my 10 day binge .

The days you don't feel like posting are the days you need to post the most! Remember this is life or death for us. Even if you just say you are having a rubbish day and don't feel like posting! Just put it out there. It helps I promise. I believe in you CG. I know you can do this!

ConfusedGuy

Thank you so much for this post Snitch. I did go to a meeting, but I live in Russia, permanently now, and is not so easy for meetings as maybe in some countries. And I honestly was glad when the meeting finished. I am sure these people mean well but 'programs' and 'can do that' and 'cant do that' is not me. And is most definately not me at end - holding hands and praying! - no no no! - I really dont believe in god or anything, never have because for me it makes no sense. If other people do then that's fine for them. AA might be good for some but I dont see my place in this.

Its nearly 01:10 here, I think maybe its 23:10 in England. I do feel glad I did not go for drink. I know I would be in a bad way by now... and tomorrow how would I feel - not good for certain !!

The BBQ sounds good! - it remind me of all the things I used to do before drinking accelerated. I stopped doing so many things. All my interests, all the things that made life fun. I think now is a time that sits between the drinking life and a new better life, an empty space. And it is empty because I have yet to find the things that will fill that space. I hope this is making some sense. Im probably tired and rambling.

Ive always kind of been a bit of a lone person as well. I used to have lots of friends 'before drinking accelerated', but I was also quite private. Couldnt let people get too close, and relationships never lasted because normal people will not tolerate alcoholics for so long I guess. Ive even finished relationships because I knew it was hurting the other person and I never wanted to do that, so I guess I knew I could never control my drinking. I think alcoholism is a very lonely thing to be honest.

And yes. its just Friday and the city where I live, in the centre is full of bars and clubs also. But tomorrow I will wake and be so glad I did not give up.

This must be a place where so many of us live for a time, between the drinking life, and the sober life. And I have hopes and dream of how I would like things to be, and I already begin to make a few decisions and plans. Maybe in a year I will look back at this and smile.

Thanks again.

Obladi

This is beautiful, CG. I'm glad you came here to talk about it. This bit where the emptiness seeps in is extremely difficult for me, too. I've no doubt you will look back in a year and be very pleased with how far you've come. You've already come many miles in just these past 12 days. Don't minimize that accomplishment; you deserve to feel good about it even when it doesn't feel that great, if that makes sense.

O

Dee74

Hi CG

don't be discouraged by the down days - everyone has them, especially in early recovery. Day 13/14 is great

D

ConfusedGuy

Good morning!

Checking in - feeling bit better today - I slept until about 11;30, its 12:45 now and going to go for a walk in a park. Maybe do supermarket later, or tomorrow.

So day 13 is done ! - I remind myself I have so much to be grateful for, I think when I go negative I focus on the things that are not in my life, or lost. So it's not good. And of course it passes.

Thanks for all the replies. I will get through weekend and I will be positive, but I find I am going between feeling super-positive, and then dropping to a very negative space. But maybe it is normal. So I will go have a nice walk in the park. I am full of healthy breakfast!! - I have vacation week in May (11) so I will book plane tickets to Latvia, it's not so far. I have a LOT to be grateful for.
Including this SR !!!!!

Hawkeye13

It does get better and better--great job on hanging tough CG

snitch, another wonderful post which inspired me this morning--

Guener

Some very thoughtful posts you have shared here, CG, and very familiar to me. When I first started getting thinking about getting sober, my first go at it, I was in New York City. I would see the life around me that all seemed so fascinating in its normalcy that I would get somewhat resentful of it all. Here I was in the heart of one of the world's greatest cities, and I was not drinking, feeling like I was missing out on that energy. I worked on not drinking and was able to do it, I relapsed after leaving the City when I was complacent. It is possible to be content in the middle of what seems like a foreign world, and you are in a foreign place, if we work at it. I can feel that you are working very hard, indeed, and commend you for it.

So, I'm so pleased that you are feeling more settled now than you were when you wrote your post beginner on this thread. It's part of our recovery to have those days where things are imperfect or difficult, when we want to just be okay. We are imperfect beings and feel that imperfection strongly in early sobriety, or at least I do. I think you're doing quite well.

Eddiebuckle

CG,

Mood swings are very common in early sobriety, and they can be especially overwhelming when they occur for no apparent reason. Just trust that these feelings are temporary so long as you continue to stay sober. That is the critical thing.

I got sober in AA and now understand that we all have our individual paths. Some folks can be very dogmatic about what constitutes recovery, in my experience the only incorrect program is the one that we have to drink over to endure.

One last thing: spirituality is about connection. For some people, spirituality and religion are one and the same because that is how they feel most connected. I find that being in a room of alcoholics who are also on this journey - even for just 60 minutes - is enough to get me through some pretty dark days, because I know that I am not alone. What they believe and how they express that belief is secondary - that we are all on the journey walking in the same direction is what matters.

Good luck & stay in touch CG, your sobriety matters to more people than you will ever realize.

snitch

I am glad my post inspired you Hawkeye. It's just my own experience. I really had to fight through those first weeks/months even though my whole being was screaming at me to drink. So I have to share that because fighting though is the only way. If I can do it anyone can!