Feeling lost, guilty, and fearful
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 43
Feeling lost, guilty, and fearful
Hello, I am new to the SR. I found SR during my many sessions of trying to find an answer to my dilemma. I have been with my AH for 6 1/2 years and yesterday was my 4th wedding anniversary. I love my husband dearly but feel that I can no longer be with him.
I have been struggling with guilt and fear, which in reading multiple posts, seem completely common. I am completely ridden with guilt that I feel nearly paralyzed and unable to make a decision. I have been trying to hold on to thoughts of how things were between AH and I.
AH’s drinking worsened in the past 4 years and it’s been a nightly affair for almost as long. I had no idea how bad the drinking was, perhaps I was in denial. Perhaps I ignored all the signs.
Initially, he’d get upset and defensive when I’d bring up the excessive drinking. In the past year, he’s been admitting to have a drinking issue and that he wants to cut down and stop. At one point, he was drinking most of the night then drinking again in the morning; passed out on the couch when I left for work and would only get up when I was coming back home. I learned to detach myself as best I could, through I didn’t even know it was a “thing” until I started reading posts on SR.
Late last year, I’d gone out to the living room early one the morning to ask him to come to bed. I wanted him to get some sleep as he complains do poor sleep all the time (yes, I know alcohol impacts the quality and cycle). I saw him drinking and incredulously said, “I can’t believe you are drinking this early.” I knew he was drinking in early mornings but he’d deny when confronted. I know it was a mistake to even say anything. His face turned bright red and I could see how angry he was. I left and went back to the bedroom. I stayed in the bedroom quietly all morning, not knowing what to do with my life. I wanted to tell him that I love him and care for him but I can’t see him like this. It was also bringing up all sorts of horrible memories of growing up with a dad who was alcoholic, who has been sober for many years.
Later that day after he woke up, I sat down next to him and told him that we needed to talk. He responded angrily that he didn’t want to talk. I had seen him angry before but it went from 0 to 60 immediately with him accusing me of being insensitive and that he didn’t want to see me or talk at all. I was too judgmental, he said. So I responded the same way, which in hindsight was a poor choice. After much yelling back and forth, I packed a small bag with a few articles of clothing and tried to leave. He tried to prevent me from doing so because I was visibly upset and had been sobbing at that point but eventually he “let me.” I do think, that he was genuinely concerned about me leaving in that condition. I stayed a hotel for two days without any contact. I shouldn’t have come back then.
His job takes him overseas all the time and he’s often gone for a few weeks. Our communication has broken down over time due to the drinking and absence. But even when sober, our relationship has been deeply impacted by harsh criticism (on his part and he admits to it), my growing resentment, and his lack of ownership. Also, he hasn’t helped financially during the entire relationship. I have been responsible for everything. He called me cheap while he spends his money on name brand clothing and alcohol. When I’m trying to pay all the bills and save for retirement. Talk about enabling and being co-dependent! He hasn’t taken ownership and responsibility over his drinking and behavior.
I initiated my divorce proceedings a month ago. He reluctantly signed it and continues to tell me that he wants to try again but he signed it “because it seems that this is what you want.” The papers are sitting on the dining room table. He left again for work. I don’t know why I’m feeling so guilty. I change my mind several times a day. “I need to leave him” to “I must stick by him.”
I know I’ll be okay. I’m not sure he will though I know he can beat it because I have to give him credit...if he puts his mind to something he’ll make it work.
I have been struggling with guilt and fear, which in reading multiple posts, seem completely common. I am completely ridden with guilt that I feel nearly paralyzed and unable to make a decision. I have been trying to hold on to thoughts of how things were between AH and I.
AH’s drinking worsened in the past 4 years and it’s been a nightly affair for almost as long. I had no idea how bad the drinking was, perhaps I was in denial. Perhaps I ignored all the signs.
Initially, he’d get upset and defensive when I’d bring up the excessive drinking. In the past year, he’s been admitting to have a drinking issue and that he wants to cut down and stop. At one point, he was drinking most of the night then drinking again in the morning; passed out on the couch when I left for work and would only get up when I was coming back home. I learned to detach myself as best I could, through I didn’t even know it was a “thing” until I started reading posts on SR.
Late last year, I’d gone out to the living room early one the morning to ask him to come to bed. I wanted him to get some sleep as he complains do poor sleep all the time (yes, I know alcohol impacts the quality and cycle). I saw him drinking and incredulously said, “I can’t believe you are drinking this early.” I knew he was drinking in early mornings but he’d deny when confronted. I know it was a mistake to even say anything. His face turned bright red and I could see how angry he was. I left and went back to the bedroom. I stayed in the bedroom quietly all morning, not knowing what to do with my life. I wanted to tell him that I love him and care for him but I can’t see him like this. It was also bringing up all sorts of horrible memories of growing up with a dad who was alcoholic, who has been sober for many years.
Later that day after he woke up, I sat down next to him and told him that we needed to talk. He responded angrily that he didn’t want to talk. I had seen him angry before but it went from 0 to 60 immediately with him accusing me of being insensitive and that he didn’t want to see me or talk at all. I was too judgmental, he said. So I responded the same way, which in hindsight was a poor choice. After much yelling back and forth, I packed a small bag with a few articles of clothing and tried to leave. He tried to prevent me from doing so because I was visibly upset and had been sobbing at that point but eventually he “let me.” I do think, that he was genuinely concerned about me leaving in that condition. I stayed a hotel for two days without any contact. I shouldn’t have come back then.
His job takes him overseas all the time and he’s often gone for a few weeks. Our communication has broken down over time due to the drinking and absence. But even when sober, our relationship has been deeply impacted by harsh criticism (on his part and he admits to it), my growing resentment, and his lack of ownership. Also, he hasn’t helped financially during the entire relationship. I have been responsible for everything. He called me cheap while he spends his money on name brand clothing and alcohol. When I’m trying to pay all the bills and save for retirement. Talk about enabling and being co-dependent! He hasn’t taken ownership and responsibility over his drinking and behavior.
I initiated my divorce proceedings a month ago. He reluctantly signed it and continues to tell me that he wants to try again but he signed it “because it seems that this is what you want.” The papers are sitting on the dining room table. He left again for work. I don’t know why I’m feeling so guilty. I change my mind several times a day. “I need to leave him” to “I must stick by him.”
I know I’ll be okay. I’m not sure he will though I know he can beat it because I have to give him credit...if he puts his mind to something he’ll make it work.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Yes, guilty feelings are common but completely unwarranted. I'm a big proponent of Alanon, where I learned I'm powerless over people, places and things. There is nothing you can say or do that will affect your husband's drinking and you never signed on to go down with him. I've been where you are and I promise it gets better, plus, Alanon can be a huge help. A very big hug.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
It is a progressive disease--this is as good as it gets if he doesn't quit.
Doesn't sound like he wants to.
You take of you now--he's an adult and making a choice.
You paying for things like rent and electric simply frees up more drinking money for him.
You deserve a life and a partner who is kind and doing their part.
He isn't--he's indulging his addiction. You have zero to be guilty about
Doesn't sound like he wants to.
You take of you now--he's an adult and making a choice.
You paying for things like rent and electric simply frees up more drinking money for him.
You deserve a life and a partner who is kind and doing their part.
He isn't--he's indulging his addiction. You have zero to be guilty about
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Piperdream 
The papers are sitting on the dining room table. He left again for work. I don’t know why I’m feeling so guilty. I change my mind several times a day. “I need to leave him” to “I must stick by him.”
I know I’ll be okay. I’m not sure he will though I know he can beat it because I have to give him credit...if he puts his mind to something he’ll make it work.
I know I’ll be okay. I’m not sure he will though I know he can beat it because I have to give him credit...if he puts his mind to something he’ll make it work.
After reading your post, it kind of brought up a few questions. Why do you feel you must stick by him when he doesn't even want to discuss your relationship (if I am understanding correctly). Wanting to "try again" and showing action to back that up are two different things.
Talk is cheap. Watching actions rather than words is helpful.
As for him making it? Making it where? To sobriety? He may well be capable but he hasn't shown any sign of putting his mind to it has he? When/if he is ever ready to he may well, nothing you do is going to change that. I assume you have had more than a few discussions about his drinking and he is aware of how you feel, yet nothing has changed?
Perhaps time to look out for yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 43
Thanks everyone. I am so glad to have found this site. I guess we are both tired of talking at this point. I’m tired of his BS excuses and he doesn’t want to hear me complain anymore. But that’s all that he does, it seems like. He complains about everything, work, life, even the little things that would not bother me much but it’s incredibly bothersome to him. While he was home most recently (he just left a couple of days ago), he seemed to be drinking less, trying to help around the house more. But this has happened before. I’ve been here before. I am not sure how long this will last before he goes back to drinking more and criticizing me for everything that goes wrong, though I feel like I am handling everything. I don’t want to be taking care of someone like this for the rest of my life...
I want him to “make it,” stop drinking, start managing his responsibilities; be an adult. Most of all, I just want him to be happy. But I guess I can’t make anyone happy. He needs to do that himself for himself. But I feel like I’d be abandoning him if I give up on the marriage. I know you’ve read all of these things before. I’m just glad that I found a place where I can be honest. I’m crying every day and just feel completely lost. I just don’t want to feel so sad anymore.
I want him to “make it,” stop drinking, start managing his responsibilities; be an adult. Most of all, I just want him to be happy. But I guess I can’t make anyone happy. He needs to do that himself for himself. But I feel like I’d be abandoning him if I give up on the marriage. I know you’ve read all of these things before. I’m just glad that I found a place where I can be honest. I’m crying every day and just feel completely lost. I just don’t want to feel so sad anymore.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Piperdream…...If you drive away from someone in the middle of the desert, and leave them with no ride or cell phone or water...That is desertion.
Letting go of a relationship that is damaging to your own welfare is NOT desertion....
Staying with him has not gotten him sober...and the disease is progressive...as Hawkeye said...this is a good as it is going to get, if he doesn't get into recovery for himself....
If you are crying every day...you need to get some face to face support for yourself (in addition to posting here, of course)….
Alanon and a divorce support group are good sources of support....
so is getting a personal counselor or therapist....
I agree with you...being a caretaker to an aging alcoholic whose health is failing is a fresh for of *ell...….
Letting go of a relationship that is damaging to your own welfare is NOT desertion....
Staying with him has not gotten him sober...and the disease is progressive...as Hawkeye said...this is a good as it is going to get, if he doesn't get into recovery for himself....
If you are crying every day...you need to get some face to face support for yourself (in addition to posting here, of course)….
Alanon and a divorce support group are good sources of support....
so is getting a personal counselor or therapist....
I agree with you...being a caretaker to an aging alcoholic whose health is failing is a fresh for of *ell...….
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: undecided
Posts: 59
Hi Piperdream,
So sorry for what you are going through. Your story really resonates with me because I am in a somewhat similar situation. Been married for 5 years to an alcoholic and am (in the process of) deciding to leave, and am also consumed by doubts and second-guessing myself.
I think I could have written this bit myself in the same words:
I don't have any answers for you, just wanted to share so that you know you are not alone. In my own case I'm trying to tell myself that leaving is the best thing not only for myself but also for AW, as my being there and being supportive has clearly not helped her quit drinking.
I think I read somewhere (probably in another thread on this forum) that the idea of 'giving up on the marriage' is a bit of a false construct - if something is better for one party and (perhaps) better for the other party as well, 'the marriage' or 'the relationship' is not so important. It's not really like a third person whose interests need to be respected. This is just another idea that I'm thinking about and trying to process.
So sorry for what you are going through. Your story really resonates with me because I am in a somewhat similar situation. Been married for 5 years to an alcoholic and am (in the process of) deciding to leave, and am also consumed by doubts and second-guessing myself.
I think I could have written this bit myself in the same words:
Originally Posted by Piperdream
I don’t want to be taking care of someone like this for the rest of my life...
I want him to “make it,” stop drinking, start managing his responsibilities; be an adult. Most of all, I just want him to be happy. But I guess I can’t make anyone happy. He needs to do that himself for himself. But I feel like I’d be abandoning him if I give up on the marriage. I know you’ve read all of these things before. I’m just glad that I found a place where I can be honest. I’m crying every day and just feel completely lost. I just don’t want to feel so sad anymore.
I want him to “make it,” stop drinking, start managing his responsibilities; be an adult. Most of all, I just want him to be happy. But I guess I can’t make anyone happy. He needs to do that himself for himself. But I feel like I’d be abandoning him if I give up on the marriage. I know you’ve read all of these things before. I’m just glad that I found a place where I can be honest. I’m crying every day and just feel completely lost. I just don’t want to feel so sad anymore.
I think I read somewhere (probably in another thread on this forum) that the idea of 'giving up on the marriage' is a bit of a false construct - if something is better for one party and (perhaps) better for the other party as well, 'the marriage' or 'the relationship' is not so important. It's not really like a third person whose interests need to be respected. This is just another idea that I'm thinking about and trying to process.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Piperdream, he's not an only child by any chance is he? We hear about A's a lot on this forum, and there's no doubt he has a problem, but the part about you paying for everything really shocked me. He must be very dominant to get away with that. And he's 'helping' with the housework. You don't help when half the work is on your shoulders, you take responsibility.
It's common for As to make all sorts of promises when their spouse finally leaves. Expect that, as well as some crying, or behaviour designed to tug at your heart strings. This is very predictable.
Remember that words are cheap; instead check his actions. They could include detoxing, rehab, working a plan, contributing full to your household, financial compensation. I doubt you'll see that, but I wouldn't settle for anything less.
It's common for As to make all sorts of promises when their spouse finally leaves. Expect that, as well as some crying, or behaviour designed to tug at your heart strings. This is very predictable.
Remember that words are cheap; instead check his actions. They could include detoxing, rehab, working a plan, contributing full to your household, financial compensation. I doubt you'll see that, but I wouldn't settle for anything less.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by rescuer
Been married for 5 years to an alcoholic and am (in the process of) deciding to leave, and am also consumed by doubts and second-guessing myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"But I feel like I’d be abandoning him if I give up on the marriage."
He has already abandoned you.
Are you attending alanon meetings? In counseling? This is
the time to set yourself up with all the support you can find.
Focus on yourself and understanding how growing up with
an alcoholic father is influencing your choices/beliefs/actions
today.
He has already abandoned you.
Are you attending alanon meetings? In counseling? This is
the time to set yourself up with all the support you can find.
Focus on yourself and understanding how growing up with
an alcoholic father is influencing your choices/beliefs/actions
today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by Piperdream
Hello, I am new to the SR. I found SR during my many sessions of trying to find an answer to my dilemma. I have been with my AH for 6 1/2 years and yesterday was my 4th wedding anniversary. I love my husband dearly but feel that I can no longer be with him.
I have been struggling with guilt and fear, which in reading multiple posts, seem completely common. I am completely ridden with guilt that I feel nearly paralyzed and unable to make a decision. I have been trying to hold on to thoughts of how things were between AH and I.
AH’s drinking worsened in the past 4 years and it’s been a nightly affair for almost as long. I had no idea how bad the drinking was, perhaps I was in denial. Perhaps I ignored all the signs.
Initially, he’d get upset and defensive when I’d bring up the excessive drinking. In the past year, he’s been admitting to have a drinking issue and that he wants to cut down and stop. At one point, he was drinking most of the night then drinking again in the morning; passed out on the couch when I left for work and would only get up when I was coming back home. I learned to detach myself as best I could, through I didn’t even know it was a “thing” until I started reading posts on SR.
Late last year, I’d gone out to the living room early one the morning to ask him to come to bed. I wanted him to get some sleep as he complains do poor sleep all the time (yes, I know alcohol impacts the quality and cycle). I saw him drinking and incredulously said, “I can’t believe you are drinking this early.” I knew he was drinking in early mornings but he’d deny when confronted. I know it was a mistake to even say anything. His face turned bright red and I could see how angry he was. I left and went back to the bedroom. I stayed in the bedroom quietly all morning, not knowing what to do with my life. I wanted to tell him that I love him and care for him but I can’t see him like this. It was also bringing up all sorts of horrible memories of growing up with a dad who was alcoholic, who has been sober for many years.
Later that day after he woke up, I sat down next to him and told him that we needed to talk. He responded angrily that he didn’t want to talk. I had seen him angry before but it went from 0 to 60 immediately with him accusing me of being insensitive and that he didn’t want to see me or talk at all. I was too judgmental, he said. So I responded the same way, which in hindsight was a poor choice. After much yelling back and forth, I packed a small bag with a few articles of clothing and tried to leave. He tried to prevent me from doing so because I was visibly upset and had been sobbing at that point but eventually he “let me.” I do think, that he was genuinely concerned about me leaving in that condition. I stayed a hotel for two days without any contact. I shouldn’t have come back then.
His job takes him overseas all the time and he’s often gone for a few weeks. Our communication has broken down over time due to the drinking and absence. But even when sober, our relationship has been deeply impacted by harsh criticism (on his part and he admits to it), my growing resentment, and his lack of ownership. Also, he hasn’t helped financially during the entire relationship. I have been responsible for everything. He called me cheap while he spends his money on name brand clothing and alcohol. When I’m trying to pay all the bills and save for retirement. Talk about enabling and being co-dependent! He hasn’t taken ownership and responsibility over his drinking and behavior.
I initiated my divorce proceedings a month ago. He reluctantly signed it and continues to tell me that he wants to try again but he signed it “because it seems that this is what you want.” The papers are sitting on the dining room table. He left again for work. I don’t know why I’m feeling so guilty. I change my mind several times a day. “I need to leave him” to “I must stick by him.”
I know I’ll be okay. I’m not sure he will though I know he can beat it because I have to give him credit...if he puts his mind to something he’ll make it work.
I have been struggling with guilt and fear, which in reading multiple posts, seem completely common. I am completely ridden with guilt that I feel nearly paralyzed and unable to make a decision. I have been trying to hold on to thoughts of how things were between AH and I.
AH’s drinking worsened in the past 4 years and it’s been a nightly affair for almost as long. I had no idea how bad the drinking was, perhaps I was in denial. Perhaps I ignored all the signs.
Initially, he’d get upset and defensive when I’d bring up the excessive drinking. In the past year, he’s been admitting to have a drinking issue and that he wants to cut down and stop. At one point, he was drinking most of the night then drinking again in the morning; passed out on the couch when I left for work and would only get up when I was coming back home. I learned to detach myself as best I could, through I didn’t even know it was a “thing” until I started reading posts on SR.
Late last year, I’d gone out to the living room early one the morning to ask him to come to bed. I wanted him to get some sleep as he complains do poor sleep all the time (yes, I know alcohol impacts the quality and cycle). I saw him drinking and incredulously said, “I can’t believe you are drinking this early.” I knew he was drinking in early mornings but he’d deny when confronted. I know it was a mistake to even say anything. His face turned bright red and I could see how angry he was. I left and went back to the bedroom. I stayed in the bedroom quietly all morning, not knowing what to do with my life. I wanted to tell him that I love him and care for him but I can’t see him like this. It was also bringing up all sorts of horrible memories of growing up with a dad who was alcoholic, who has been sober for many years.
Later that day after he woke up, I sat down next to him and told him that we needed to talk. He responded angrily that he didn’t want to talk. I had seen him angry before but it went from 0 to 60 immediately with him accusing me of being insensitive and that he didn’t want to see me or talk at all. I was too judgmental, he said. So I responded the same way, which in hindsight was a poor choice. After much yelling back and forth, I packed a small bag with a few articles of clothing and tried to leave. He tried to prevent me from doing so because I was visibly upset and had been sobbing at that point but eventually he “let me.” I do think, that he was genuinely concerned about me leaving in that condition. I stayed a hotel for two days without any contact. I shouldn’t have come back then.
His job takes him overseas all the time and he’s often gone for a few weeks. Our communication has broken down over time due to the drinking and absence. But even when sober, our relationship has been deeply impacted by harsh criticism (on his part and he admits to it), my growing resentment, and his lack of ownership. Also, he hasn’t helped financially during the entire relationship. I have been responsible for everything. He called me cheap while he spends his money on name brand clothing and alcohol. When I’m trying to pay all the bills and save for retirement. Talk about enabling and being co-dependent! He hasn’t taken ownership and responsibility over his drinking and behavior.
I initiated my divorce proceedings a month ago. He reluctantly signed it and continues to tell me that he wants to try again but he signed it “because it seems that this is what you want.” The papers are sitting on the dining room table. He left again for work. I don’t know why I’m feeling so guilty. I change my mind several times a day. “I need to leave him” to “I must stick by him.”
I know I’ll be okay. I’m not sure he will though I know he can beat it because I have to give him credit...if he puts his mind to something he’ll make it work.
whenever I try to communicate with my AH (seperated) he gives me a variation of the "this is what you want" line. It's easier for them. It shifts the situation into us and places the role of victim onto them. Resist the urge to JADE. Its difficult I know
Its ok to feel all kinds of emotions at the end of a long committed relationship. It doesnt mean it's not the right thing to do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Originally Posted by hopeful4
That is not a marriage. He abandoned it, not you.
That's not what he's doing one bit.
His marriage is to alcohol at this point, and his manipulation of this is "what you want" is straight from the alcoholic playbook to get you to back down, get things back to status quo, and keep you in line as his bank and housekeeper.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I've read this same story so many times on this list.
You deserve so much more--please set yourself free to find it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 43
rescuer - I am so sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation. It’s amazing how much energy it takes to be with someone who’s not wanting any help. But yet, we keep trying.
hopeful - I agree that he may be trying to shift the blame but still knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s hard to carry the burden and responsibility of ending a marriage. I understand that I shouldn’t feel guilty but I do.
An update- we finally talked via FaceTime this evening. He complained about his job about about 20 minutes. Then I asked him if he could pay a third of next month’s rent. This would be the first time he’d pitch in with the bills. I guess it took him by surprised. He said but I just paid the tax bill!? So I told him to forget it. He said he’d transfer the funds today. I just told him to forget about the whole thing. He immediately asked me if I had send the response to my divorce petition, which he had signed but I left the envelope just sitting on the dining room table. “Just send it, why didn’t you send it already?” I didn’t know what to say. I was thinking, because I still care for you and I still love you. He just got curt when I told him, I am going to send it and we can work on ourselves and if it’s meant to be, maybe we can work it out and withdraw the petition. He is supposed to come home in Sunday. He tells me that he shouldn’t make plans to come back and just volunteer because he now needs the money. He said he needed to go and we just ended the call.
I guess I am he fool holding out hope. But isn’t he the one who wanted to try to work things out?
Sorry for the long post. It’s just one of those days.
hopeful - I agree that he may be trying to shift the blame but still knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s hard to carry the burden and responsibility of ending a marriage. I understand that I shouldn’t feel guilty but I do.
An update- we finally talked via FaceTime this evening. He complained about his job about about 20 minutes. Then I asked him if he could pay a third of next month’s rent. This would be the first time he’d pitch in with the bills. I guess it took him by surprised. He said but I just paid the tax bill!? So I told him to forget it. He said he’d transfer the funds today. I just told him to forget about the whole thing. He immediately asked me if I had send the response to my divorce petition, which he had signed but I left the envelope just sitting on the dining room table. “Just send it, why didn’t you send it already?” I didn’t know what to say. I was thinking, because I still care for you and I still love you. He just got curt when I told him, I am going to send it and we can work on ourselves and if it’s meant to be, maybe we can work it out and withdraw the petition. He is supposed to come home in Sunday. He tells me that he shouldn’t make plans to come back and just volunteer because he now needs the money. He said he needed to go and we just ended the call.
I guess I am he fool holding out hope. But isn’t he the one who wanted to try to work things out?
Sorry for the long post. It’s just one of those days.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
No need for an apology, your post doesn't even come close to being "long" around here!
Piperdream, have you ever heard of the book - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? It's available on Amazon and perhaps at your library. I'm not saying you are codependent or not by the way, it's just a very helpful book in dealing with relationships with addicts and others.
It seems that your Husband doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. That means he is miles away from recovery.
You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.
It appears that you are now at a point where he is not interested in working on the relationship and you want to "save" him and the relationship, yet you can't even bring yourself to tell him how you feel.
He works overseas so I assume it's a well paying job. He doesn't pay any of the household expenses (that's rather amazing, how did that ever come to be) yet he is now saying he will need more work now (in light of perhaps having to move out). Something isn't adding up there.
You produced the divorce papers for him to sign but haven't filed them. Was that supposed to be an ultimatum? Stop drinking or we are done? Addicts are generally going to choose their drug over everything else, ultimatums are hollow unless there is follow through.
Addicts put their drug first, then everything after that. You are perhaps 3rd or so on his list?
- Alcohol
- Himself
- Work (or you)
- You
That's probably how you feel, down on the list because you are. The first love is alcohol.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Piperdream, have you ever heard of the book - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? It's available on Amazon and perhaps at your library. I'm not saying you are codependent or not by the way, it's just a very helpful book in dealing with relationships with addicts and others.
It seems that your Husband doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. That means he is miles away from recovery.
You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.
It appears that you are now at a point where he is not interested in working on the relationship and you want to "save" him and the relationship, yet you can't even bring yourself to tell him how you feel.
He works overseas so I assume it's a well paying job. He doesn't pay any of the household expenses (that's rather amazing, how did that ever come to be) yet he is now saying he will need more work now (in light of perhaps having to move out). Something isn't adding up there.
You produced the divorce papers for him to sign but haven't filed them. Was that supposed to be an ultimatum? Stop drinking or we are done? Addicts are generally going to choose their drug over everything else, ultimatums are hollow unless there is follow through.
Addicts put their drug first, then everything after that. You are perhaps 3rd or so on his list?
- Alcohol
- Himself
- Work (or you)
- You
That's probably how you feel, down on the list because you are. The first love is alcohol.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
But isn’t he the one who wanted to try to work things out?
those might have been WORDS he said, but what actually demonstrable ACTION have you seen from him?
of course he doesn't want a divorce - why should he? you pay for everything. i mean that is one sweet deal. and he gets to do whatever he wants, spend "his" money on whatever he wants, drink as much as he wants.
this is not a healthy relationship between two adults. you are not working with an active, engaged partner. you have a laundry list of things he would need to change in order to meet your qualifications"
I want him to “make it,” stop drinking, start managing his responsibilities; be an adult. Most of all, I just want him to be happy.
begin to accept his AS HE IS. right now. this is it. this might be the very BEST it ever gets. and you know in your heart it's just not good enough. doesn't even meet the bare minimum threshold.
he was managing just fine before you came along. and he'll do so after. you aren't blindsiding him with the divorce, he's aware and open to it, so seize the opportunity. some other members here have absolute horror stories of how bad it can get trying to divorce someone with a pickled brain and selfish outlook on life.
those might have been WORDS he said, but what actually demonstrable ACTION have you seen from him?
of course he doesn't want a divorce - why should he? you pay for everything. i mean that is one sweet deal. and he gets to do whatever he wants, spend "his" money on whatever he wants, drink as much as he wants.
this is not a healthy relationship between two adults. you are not working with an active, engaged partner. you have a laundry list of things he would need to change in order to meet your qualifications"
I want him to “make it,” stop drinking, start managing his responsibilities; be an adult. Most of all, I just want him to be happy.
begin to accept his AS HE IS. right now. this is it. this might be the very BEST it ever gets. and you know in your heart it's just not good enough. doesn't even meet the bare minimum threshold.
he was managing just fine before you came along. and he'll do so after. you aren't blindsiding him with the divorce, he's aware and open to it, so seize the opportunity. some other members here have absolute horror stories of how bad it can get trying to divorce someone with a pickled brain and selfish outlook on life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I wanted to add one other thing after I posted.
None of the above is about you, personally. It's just not, it's about addiction and how selfish it can be.
It probably feels somewhat like that to you right now perhaps?. How would someone choose alcohol over love?
People leave their Husbands/Wives, their babies and children every single day to pursue an addiction without the constraints and responsibility of a family/relationships.
I don't believe that all addicts would abandon their SO/family if they felt they had a choice, if they could drink or use other drugs freely and without any repercussions, but that is rarely the case.
So I just wanted to mention that in no way is what I laid out a reflection on you. I know this is traumatic for you and i'm sorry for your situation.
- Alcohol
- Himself
- Work (or you)
- You
- Himself
- Work (or you)
- You
It probably feels somewhat like that to you right now perhaps?. How would someone choose alcohol over love?
People leave their Husbands/Wives, their babies and children every single day to pursue an addiction without the constraints and responsibility of a family/relationships.
I don't believe that all addicts would abandon their SO/family if they felt they had a choice, if they could drink or use other drugs freely and without any repercussions, but that is rarely the case.
So I just wanted to mention that in no way is what I laid out a reflection on you. I know this is traumatic for you and i'm sorry for your situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 43
Hi Trailmix. It's really a humbling and sobering experience to see these responses. It took me a while to process what other people's perception/understanding are of where I stand in my AH's life. He is a good guy (when he realizes that he actually has a pretty good life and he makes an effort to drink less) but someone who hasn't been able to overcome his past, to grow from the difficulties of his past. We all have stories, we all have some baggage we bring into relationships. But even at his and our best moments, I still walk on eggshells, unsure when he will "implode." Sooner or later, he will tell me that haven't been making an effort to help him improve his patience and be kinder...But he's trying, he says.
It's incredibly difficult to think that almost 7 years of my life may have been spent with someone who may not think very highly of me, not enough to prioritize me in his life. But then, I guess I was okay accepting whatever he had to give me. I need to find out why...Why I tolerate this for so long and why I haven't fought for myself. I know, I am co-dependent (I just got the book Codependent No More and began reading it). Whether it was when he decided to return to school, was underemployed, or trying to pay "his" bills (more recently that's his excuse for not contributing) it's never been about this being a true and equal. Deep down, I think I realize that I may have just been a convenient choice, one that offered stability.
Sorry, I have been feeling sorry for myself lately, LOL. But I have dropped off his response to my divorce petition yesterday. The attorney will start devising the MSA. I was both relieved and sad. I know that I have it better than most here on the forum. My AH says he won't take a penny (though I guess it remains to be seen) from me because he recognizes that I have been paying for everything. I also told him I don't want anything from him. You take what's yours and I will take what's mine.
Yet, despite all these realizations in my many moments of reflection, I still miss him? I just feel stupid sometimes. Stupid that I can't be strong enough to see things for what they are. Thanks for listening and I TRULY appreciate your responses.
It's incredibly difficult to think that almost 7 years of my life may have been spent with someone who may not think very highly of me, not enough to prioritize me in his life. But then, I guess I was okay accepting whatever he had to give me. I need to find out why...Why I tolerate this for so long and why I haven't fought for myself. I know, I am co-dependent (I just got the book Codependent No More and began reading it). Whether it was when he decided to return to school, was underemployed, or trying to pay "his" bills (more recently that's his excuse for not contributing) it's never been about this being a true and equal. Deep down, I think I realize that I may have just been a convenient choice, one that offered stability.
Sorry, I have been feeling sorry for myself lately, LOL. But I have dropped off his response to my divorce petition yesterday. The attorney will start devising the MSA. I was both relieved and sad. I know that I have it better than most here on the forum. My AH says he won't take a penny (though I guess it remains to be seen) from me because he recognizes that I have been paying for everything. I also told him I don't want anything from him. You take what's yours and I will take what's mine.
Yet, despite all these realizations in my many moments of reflection, I still miss him? I just feel stupid sometimes. Stupid that I can't be strong enough to see things for what they are. Thanks for listening and I TRULY appreciate your responses.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
First things first, you are NOT stupid, not in any way. None of this is easy. Oh he is self-centered and an alcoholic (not necessarily in that order) he adds little to no joy to my life, I don't feel loved so I'll leave.
If only it were that easy! There are real feelings involved here and I'm sure when you married him, while it may not have been "perfect" it was probably pretty far from where you are now. You probably miss how it was in the beginning?
Just looking at that. When did it become YOUR responsibility to make him more patient and kinder? That's a true deflection. We can't change anyone. If we could you would make him more patient, kinder, more loving and take away his alcoholism. Unless you have some magical powers, this seems unlikely. He is just blaming you for his behaviour.
I would be cautious about the finances. He has obviously kept his financial position close to his chest all these years. Him not taking a penny from you may really mean he has money he doesn't want you to have.
Now, what you choose to do financially is, of course, totally up to you, however if possible I would get him to (legally) disclose his earnings, do you file a joint tax return? You may already have this information.
I don't know who is earning more right now but you might be entitled to spousal support for a period of time. When a relationship ends it seems easier to just say split the furniture in half and let's get out of this! I hope you will take a wee step back from that and discuss this thoroughly with your lawyer. Once you see his financial situation you might feel differently.
If he has been sitting on savings for years, or even just over the last few years, this may be money you are entitled to that may help you say, buy a house, to give you more financial stability since he hasn't been contributing anything - anyway, just a thought on that.
More will be revealed here. Something is amiss. For someone who is generally so self-centered to suddenly be so 'giving' seems odd.
If only it were that easy! There are real feelings involved here and I'm sure when you married him, while it may not have been "perfect" it was probably pretty far from where you are now. You probably miss how it was in the beginning?
he will tell me that haven't been making an effort to help him improve his patience and be kinder...But he's trying, he says.
I would be cautious about the finances. He has obviously kept his financial position close to his chest all these years. Him not taking a penny from you may really mean he has money he doesn't want you to have.
Now, what you choose to do financially is, of course, totally up to you, however if possible I would get him to (legally) disclose his earnings, do you file a joint tax return? You may already have this information.
I don't know who is earning more right now but you might be entitled to spousal support for a period of time. When a relationship ends it seems easier to just say split the furniture in half and let's get out of this! I hope you will take a wee step back from that and discuss this thoroughly with your lawyer. Once you see his financial situation you might feel differently.
If he has been sitting on savings for years, or even just over the last few years, this may be money you are entitled to that may help you say, buy a house, to give you more financial stability since he hasn't been contributing anything - anyway, just a thought on that.
More will be revealed here. Something is amiss. For someone who is generally so self-centered to suddenly be so 'giving' seems odd.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Vent away, this is what we are here for. And don't minimize your feelings because others here have had it worse. That does not do anything for how you feel.
Of course you are hurting. There will be a period of grief while you go through this, and you will move back and forth between those stages of grief. However, you will come out on the other side.
There is no one that starts out wanting a divorce. However, sometimes that is what life deals you, and I promise it's not the end. There is happiness on the other side, along with peace.
No contact is hard, but it would be best for you to allow you to honor your own feelings and put the focus on YOU instead of him. You deserve that.
Take care. Keep reading, keep sharing, you are not alone.
Of course you are hurting. There will be a period of grief while you go through this, and you will move back and forth between those stages of grief. However, you will come out on the other side.
There is no one that starts out wanting a divorce. However, sometimes that is what life deals you, and I promise it's not the end. There is happiness on the other side, along with peace.
No contact is hard, but it would be best for you to allow you to honor your own feelings and put the focus on YOU instead of him. You deserve that.
Take care. Keep reading, keep sharing, you are not alone.
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