noaddedsugar

So tonight I attended my first work night out and stayed completely sober. The night was for joint celebrations for a few people's birthdays/hens. There was a large group of us that went for a meal and drinks. I've got to be honest I absolutely hated it and I don't know if I just wasn't ready or I'm never going to like being in social situations ever again!

I'm naturally quite a quiet person so when you throw everyone else drinking in the mix I just felt like I wanted to run out of the door. It reminded me of when I was younger and had extreme anxiety. I always felt like the odd one out and it was when I started drinking that I finally started to gain more confidence and come out of my shell.

The entire night I felt like I was putting on an act. I was fake laughing at everything people seemed to find amusing. I felt strange and awkward the entire night when everyone else seemed to be having fun. I'm back at that place where I feel like I don't fit in. Literally feel 12 years old again.

I left early anyways just making the excuse that I have to work tomorrow which I do so that isn't a lie. Maybe the fact that I would rather curl up at home with a good book and a hot chocolate isn't a personality defect so why do I feel like I've got something wrong with me?

Ugh sorry just had to come and rant because I feel very negative after tonight. Has anyone else felt like this?

WeThinkNot

Speak of the devil...

I'm an introvert as well, in my childhood I was terribly shy and had zero confidence in social settings. I had to go to a birthday lunch a little while earlier, I did my time and cut out early.

What I've realized is now I can "do the rounds" if I'm at a social event but it's something I will never enjoy doing. I can hang out with a group of friends with no problem but I don't particularly enjoy expanding outside my social circles. It's not because of being shy or lacking confidence, it's simply how I'm wired.

That was something that bugged me in the past but now I'm cool with it. For somebody I care about, I can grin and bear it but not enjoying social settings does not make me a bad person.

Dee74

Another intovert here.

I don't like large occasions or things where I don't know many people. I tried for years to try and make myself into the sort of person who thrived on those things (using alcohol and other drugs) but...it's just not me to be a gragarious kind of person and I accept that now.

I'm ok with being me - not everyonme will egt me or like me and thats ok too.

In being ok with it I find a sense of peace with it & even tho sometimes I still find myself at events I'm not entirely comfortable at, I am comfortable enough to talk to people, get them to talk about themselves and maybe let out a few factoids about myself.

Depending on the crowd I usually go home early

Give yourself a break - this was your first time out without drinking.
I doubt many people enjoyed their first time.

You might feel that way but you're not 12 anymore - you're capable of learning new skills, and quite quickly, and you;'ll get better at internal validation rather than seeking it from others.

I am enough - and you are too

You'll get better at dealing with things like this...I promise .

D

MindfulMan

I'm extremely extroverted, but I've found some social situations are a no-go for me. Met a friend at a bar, which is fine. However, they were over an hour late. Misery is being at a bar where you don't know anyone, the music is too loud to really talk, and you're not drinking. Looking back when I'd go to bars to meet guys back in the day it was pretty miserable, so I'd just get drunk.

Learning to navigate social situations while sober takes some doing, but it gets easier. I didn't date for years because I just drank and didn't deal with my sexual self. My skyrocketing libido in sobriety made that scenario impossible to continue. The whole dating thing has never been easy for me, but learning to navigate dating and sex and all that stuff sober was a huge challenge, especially being gay and single and in my late 50s in the online dating era. But I've learned, and I'm enjoying dating and sex far more than I ever did when I was drinking and using.

Slowly but surely everything gets easier. One thing that really helped me was to acknowledge that I felt awkward in some social situations, and it's OK to feel awkward and mostly listen. Nobody thinks you're a freak if you're not constantly talking. In fact, if you're listening to them, they'll think you're brilliant and discerning. I never did networking well, but I was at a work function, and my broker said to me "Boy, you really know how to work a room." Trust me, nobody would have said that to me two years ago. I'm outgoing, but professional networking was never a situation I could manage, I'd leave and want to cry. It's still not completely natural, but I find the more I do it, the more fun it becomes.

Early sobriety is tough. I had a lot of anxiety and self-esteem issues once the Dutch courage of alcohol was removed. But when I allowed myself to be OK with NOT being the life of the party, feel a bit left out, and made THAT OK...well, practice makes better.

It gets easier. Go to stuff, give yourself an out, and stay longer as you get more comfortable . Make it OK with yourself to leave in 10 minutes. Hell, 5 minutes. And remember, MANY MANY people feel socially awkward, especially without alcohol. If you're a long-term heavy drinker, you never had to learn how to get past that. Now you do, and you can, and the rewards are fantastic. Sober socialization is FAR better than drunken/drugged socialization.

It's OK. Keep trying!

Hevyn

I know exactly what you mean, noadded. Although I was grateful & thankful to be sober, I definitely felt disoriented for a while. It's like learning to live in a whole new way, which of course is a good thing - but it does feel strange. It didn't take long for me to adjust to the new normal & really appreciate not being numb & foggy. You're doing great!

lessgravity

Although I'm not an introvert, I too can relate to your post. My experience with social situations where drinking is involved really just seems to change with my mood. There have been times in the last few months where I felt like crawling out of my own skin at a dinner and then others where I loved the calm clarity and control that I felt hanging out with people while they drank.

I can tell the further I get from the demon AV, the more comfort I find being sober at social gatherings. And either way, my evening afterwards will be mine, not lost again in a haze of drunken waste.

August252015

Good job and here are my thoughts.

I really relate to what MM said in particular. Anyone who knows me IRL (and, um, prob y'all get the gist too) would say I'm the ultimate extrovert. And whether you call it being a classic Leo, a nimble socialite, captain of the cheerleaders and college sorority social chair or an alcoholic with an excellent chameleon-like ability to fit and fly thru any situation....in sobriety I've discovered that the energy expenditure of all that, which is indeed a part of me, has to be balanced with the homebody, happy with a small crowd, spin around an event once and leave side. Someone told me the term "ambivert" which I think is perfectly me.

To add one thing I ALWAYS say to ANYONE, whatever kind of personality you have, is to be vigilant AFTER a successful sober outing. The questions, the venting, the feelings of job well done- all of it is normal and IMO and having heard soooo many people describe, a time we need to check ourselves more than usual.

I think of what's next for me - for example, I was out of sorts yesterday and started future tripping and wanting to cancels all the plans I have thru this coming Thu!- and my best friend had to remind me to take it one activity at a time. Woke up feeling better this AM and am about to go to my first to-do, a meeting and time w my sponsee. And I'm 3+ yrs sober- so it's been a process!!

You are doing great and sharing stuff we def get. Keep going, learning and doing it all sober.

Toomutch

I can only imagine how uncomfortable you must have been. Although I only have 3 days sober now, I have had long term sobriety. Social situations were uncomfortable for me as well but over time became easier... Hang in there and perhaps avoid those situations for awhile only spending time with other sober people.

D122y

My experience is it took time to get used to doing things totally sober.

It took a long long long time to stabilize. I am still stabilizing after all this time.

I feel every bump and emotion, unless I take some medicine (e.g. ibuprofen).

I have never been diagnosed with anxiety, but in the past i have been told I am a nervous guy.

I am working on that.

I understand that everyone is different and some folks need meds to survive without booze. If you need them, take them.

All I know is i was a basket case, off and on, for well over a year. Nobody knew for sure, except maybe my wife. But, she has a technique of ignoring issues until they go away.

As time went by everything stabilized. Everything go better.

I do still crave a bit, but I know what awaits me if I were to ever decide to drink again.

I am not going there. The journey out of that hell hurt too much.

Thanks

red3215

Oh yes. I had social phobia so bad in high school I'd literally shake when someone started a conversation with me. I managed to not make a single friend the first 3 years of high school and had no dates either.
Alcohol seemed to open new doors for me but looking back it didn't help much of anything really. It's impossible to get close to anyone or really get to know other people when you've got alcohol harming your judgment.

It's good to show up to social events even if you don't say much. Think of how much better you can listen to and remember what other people tell you when you're sober. Being a good listener is a major part of being a good conversationalist. It's rare to find good listeners these days, and people appreciate it when you ask questions and show genuine interest in what they're saying.

You don't have to talk up a storm every time you go out. Sometimes I say nothing at all. It's fine. Smile at people, say hello, let them know you're friendly and others will be more likely to start a conversation with you, too.

Congratulations on your first night out sober