rough 24 hours ~ feeling drained and second-guessing myself

Old 04-10-2019, 05:07 PM
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rough 24 hours ~ feeling drained and second-guessing myself

For a few weeks there, I felt so confident, so sure of my decision to leave. And I really have had a sense of peace that I haven't felt in, well, maybe ever. I have taken this feeling of calmness and peace about my decision to leave and my path ahead as a significant sign that it is a good decision. The kids and I had a great spring break trip together - peaceful, easy, just a really good time. It was nice to experience that time for the three of us without the stress of AH there. I also take this as a sign that being away from him long term will be a good path.

I have not felt ready to talk directly and openly with the boys about their dad's drinking. Also, right before AH left on a work trip a few days ago, he and I had the conversation that we are actually getting divorced, but not ready to tell the boys.

But over two weeks ago, the boys both, independently of each other, began to ask me about their dad's drinking and I felt that being honest was best. "Does dad drink too much?" "Yes, he does." Then my youngest began asking, "If dad drinks too much, will you stay together because it's not good to be with someone who drinks too much?" I knew when he asked that I planned to divorce AH but had not at that time even brought in the term "divorce" to AH so I was vague with DS. But over the past couple of weeks, he has periodically asked the same question, "do you think it is more likely that you and dad will stay together or more likely for you guys to get divorced?" (DS was the first to use the term "divorce" in our conversations.) To me, this indicates that he is aware of quite a lot and it may be time to deliver the clear answer.

I had planned for AH and I to sit the boys down and tell them together, but last night he asked me again (just me and the boys home this week), and I just went ahead and told them. Younger son thinks it would be pretty cool to move to an apartment; older son was hit very hard with this news though not totally surprised. Then younger son takes on emotions and feelings of older son and.... long story a bit shorter, it was a rough evening.

I am once again back to a very unsettled feeling of "what the @#$# am I even doing?!!" Married 20 years, good house, good neighborhood! Settled!! And what's a six-pack and bottle of wine a few nights a week?!

But it is that. And it is sometimes more. And it is the emotional distance. And it is the way he is practically getting the boys ready to be his beer buddies when they get older. And he's mixing it with pain meds. And he just got stitches from getting into a "drunken bar fight".

In a past post, someone said something like " what's the point of hanging around to see how bad it can get? It will get worse." Okay, I just guess I needed to write all this out because I am feeling so off balance where in past days I had been feeling so sure.

I'm just going to spend some time with HP and breathe.

Thank you for listening.
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Old 04-10-2019, 05:23 PM
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here is the answer to your wobble:

Then my youngest began asking, "If dad drinks too much, will you stay together because it's not good to be with someone who drinks too much?"
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Old 04-10-2019, 05:56 PM
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There will be bumpy roads ahead...try to remember the peace you described at the beginning of your post. That's what you and your boys deserve.
Wishing you the best, and glad you are here.
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Old 04-10-2019, 08:55 PM
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Just go one step at a time . There *will* be times you arent sure if it's the right thing, times you will be sad. It's ok! its normal. Just try and remember your reasons. Think of things *as they are*. Not as you wish them to be.
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Old 04-10-2019, 08:57 PM
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Ending a relationship is hard. It's even harder when the relationship hasn't quite reached the point where you are so fed-up (or exhausted or angry or frustrated or hurt etc etc) that you rarely second guess yourself because those emotions can be quite strong when you are at a certain point.

So maybe you aren't at that point - yet. You do see where this is heading and you do know it's not good for your kiddies.

I also get the - I have the house and a comfortable life thing. I have wondered sometimes if that is the time someone chooses to leave because once you are all settled and some of life's struggles are out of the equation you go, ok, so why am I so miserable, or why do I wake up wanting to cry? Is this my life?

I don't know exactly what that might be for you. The loving care of a fully involved partner? Peace and contentment in your home?

In the long run you are doing him a HUGE favour. They won't see him drunk as they grow up, while he might not be "sober" he will at least not be truly drunk.

I think it's totally normal to have these feelings, it's a big, big life shift. Also being away and coming "home" could trigger those feelings perhaps. Getting home after a holiday is great. You have also had time away from home to relax.
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Old 04-11-2019, 03:04 AM
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I am so sorry for what you are going through. My situation is different but I'm also currently second-guessing the decision that I was SURE of at first. It's probably natural when it's such a difficult decision. I guess one has to look ahead and see what one can realistically expect, and decide what kind of life one wants. Courage.
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Old 04-11-2019, 03:23 AM
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Originally Posted by PerSe View Post
And it is the emotional distance.
This, to me, is reason enough to divorce. Gone are the times when we have to live out our days in an emotional refrigerator just because we got married. If we stay in a marriage for the nice house in the nice neighborhood, then we're basically staying married for money - and it's true what they say about people who marry for money: they pay for it every day. Emotional distance is a huge factor and everything else aside, reason enough to declare that a relationship is over.
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Old 04-11-2019, 03:25 AM
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PerSe…...If you haven't already done so...I advise you to make a list, on paper...
a list of the worst experiences of the relationship and the effects on you/boys...
Keep the paper w ith you at all times, and every time you start doubting yourself---read the paper...as many times as it takes.....this will help you from the trap of having only selective recall....

It is normal to have some self doubt, from time to time....just because that happens doesn not mean that you are making a mistake....
You have spent a long time doubting yourself....you will get better at trusting your own judgement as time goes on....practice...practice....
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Old 04-11-2019, 05:23 AM
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I have a list in my phone called "things I wont miss". At first I felt a little bad writing it down. but I'm glad I did! AH respects me more now that I respect myself and left. So at times I am tempted to go back. It would be really easy to forget some of those things. Ir really helped to get those thoughts and memories out of my head and in writing.
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Old 04-11-2019, 11:09 AM
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Absolutely. I used a list once and when I thought about writing it I thought, do I want to even think about this stuff, writing this out is going to be painful.

In fact it wasn't, it was the opposite, the list turned out to be quite long and succinct and writing it was empowering, not painful (for me).

When I would start feeling bad or ruminating I would bring it out and every time it helped. It's so easy to forget the "bad". No one wants to dwell on it, that's how we are made.

Every time I looked at it, it reinforced why I had gone NC, it truly did help.
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Old 04-11-2019, 01:42 PM
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^^^ I am also a fan of writing things down (and somehow writing things by hand works better than typing them on a screen). Sometimes having the words on a piece of paper can help you realize that this is really, really bad - countering the tendency to normalize abnormal situations and think "well, it's not THAT bad ...".

I also used to send myself emails so that I would have not only WHAT happened but WHEN it happened (through the dates and times). This helped me see patterns. It also helped with the gaslight-y, reality-doubting aspects of living with an alcoholic - did that really happen or am I imagining things? Can I trust my memory? Well, there's the email I sent myself as soon as it happened - so I didn't just make it up.

Even now whenever ex is causing trouble, I write up everything immediately with a ridiculous amount of detail, because I know I'm still vulnerable to that self-doubt and second-guessing myself ("that's crazy, no sane person would ever do that - oh, but he really did").
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Old 04-11-2019, 07:57 PM
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Thank you so much everyone. The support means so much. I will definitely make that list. I have slapped so many happy face stickers over my empty gas gauge for so many years. Making this list will help me to see it for what it was. Thanks everyone, again, this has really helped me to at least get out of the second-guessing myself mindset.
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Old 04-11-2019, 08:21 PM
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You all have inspired me to make such a list. I often second-guess myself and think things like "well, some alcoholics drink huge amounts daily and live to be 85, and their wives never left them". You mentioned a bottle of wine and a certain # of beers, saying maybe it's not a big deal (when you're doing the second guessing). I do that too--rationalize the amount I think AH drinks. Then I remember that so many ppl have told me the reality of how much and when he is consuming is much more than I probably know. And how I hate the lying about it. I remember I don't want to see how much worse this gets, or contribute to it. If nothing changes, nothing changes--I will change my part, which means distance to work on myself. It's hard, but you know what? It's okay with me to try to protect health (physical and emotional) and lives (me, AH, DS)...vs "saving a marriage"--which well meaning relatives bring up all the time. The emotional refrigerator Angelina spoke of is such a great term. It's a horrible place to be, no matter how perfect the house itself, community, etc. are. And I totally hear you on the prepping to "become beer drinking buddies"--I saw it with AH and his dad. Yuck.
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Old 04-11-2019, 09:48 PM
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Just wanted to also provide my support and wish you and your children the best. Dont second guess yourself. Alcoholism is progressive.
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Old 04-12-2019, 03:07 AM
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Originally Posted by the1975jen View Post
I have a list in my phone called "things I wont miss".
Thanks for this. After I read your post, it took me about 5 minutes to come up with 20 things, so that's saying something. I have it on my phone now and add to it. Wow. What a wake up call. Really helpful suggestion, Jen - thanks.
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Old 04-12-2019, 03:56 AM
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Your tendency towards second-guessing yourself and denial is yet another thing that partners and As have in common.

It reminded me of when I used to drink. I knew I had a problem but I'd look at others and say 'they drink more than me', 'I know someone who drank for years and didn't come to any harm', etc etc. All along I knew I had a problem, just like you know it is as bad as you think.
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Old 04-12-2019, 06:51 AM
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Originally Posted by clarity888 View Post
You all have inspired me to make such a list. I often second-guess myself and think things like "well, some alcoholics drink huge amounts daily and live to be 85, and their wives never left them". You mentioned a bottle of wine and a certain # of beers, saying maybe it's not a big deal (when you're doing the second guessing). I do that too--rationalize the amount I think AH drinks. Then I remember that so many ppl have told me the reality of how much and when he is consuming is much more than I probably know. And how I hate the lying about it. I remember I don't want to see how much worse this gets, or contribute to it. If nothing changes, nothing changes--I will change my part, which means distance to work on myself. It's hard, but you know what? It's okay with me to try to protect health (physical and emotional) and lives (me, AH, DS)...vs "saving a marriage"--which well meaning relatives bring up all the time. The emotional refrigerator Angelina spoke of is such a great term. It's a horrible place to be, no matter how perfect the house itself, community, etc. are. And I totally hear you on the prepping to "become beer drinking buddies"--I saw it with AH and his dad. Yuck.
Clarity, what you say about how some alcoholics drink a lot more and their wives don’t leave them - how I have struggled with this without really even recognizing it up front. I’ve known some people like this where there’s really heavy long-term drinking but it’s just not “a problem”. But from reading here and some ACOA stories I realize it does have an effect on the children. And for us partners, we (or at least I did this) just minimize, rationalize, “focus on the positive!!”, just plow through the logistics of life, find distractions (hobbies, books) from the real problem, and if you are financially secure then I think it’s even easier to stay. But the emotional refrigerator! Thank you Angelina for that concept! Oh how I relate to that! For me it has felt (I’m getting past this slowly) like our whole emotional world hinges on the mood of AH - we are either on an upswing (usually when he is getting about 3 beers into his six pack on a weekend evening), or at best a strained civility with lots of pleases and thank yous as long as no one steps out of line or gets too loud or rambunctious. So our fridge temp is either icy or defrosting but it seems to always go back to icy.

Anyway yeah, I’m at the point where even though I second- guess myself I am stepping out of this fridge to see what else is out there! :

:
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Old 04-12-2019, 12:12 PM
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For what it's worth - I know that everyone's mileage varies, but a bottle of wine and a six-pack in an evening is A LOT of alcohol. I would be hospitalized long before I finished it all off if I tried to drink that much. (Granted I'm a pretty small female person, but my 6'4" 220-lb male partner couldn't consume that much without making himself really, really sick).

Sometimes we minimize wine and beer because people drink it with meals and pretty much all social events, and it's not "hard" alcohol - it's not like swilling down quarts of vodka and gin (although that may well lie in the future ...). But in general if you're thinking "this is really a lot of alcohol", no matter what form the alcohol comes in, you're probably right.
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Old 04-12-2019, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by PerSe View Post
... some alcoholics drink a lot more and their wives don’t leave them
The amount and frequency of alcohol consumption are not what matter. Our experience of being in the relationship is what matters.

Keep in mind, too, that an active alcoholic's thinking is in play no matter if he is drunk, hungover or "sober." The attitudes, fears, issues - all of the reasons that he drinks - are active, whether he is inebriated or not. When our loved one is not in long term and active recovery, we are dealing with a drunk's mind. So a six pack versus a bottle of gin is really an irrelevant concern. How we experience the person is the concern.
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Old 04-12-2019, 02:37 PM
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^^^^^^Yes...Yes...Yes and Yes!
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