Have you gone through a DUI with the alcoholic in your life?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NY, ny
Posts: 28
Have you gone through a DUI with the alcoholic in your life?
I have a nervous stomach, I think i am having anxiety attacks to the point of not being able to catch my breath. I know its coming, It's a matter of time when my AH gets a DUI. He drives drunk....not all of the time...and we do l8ve in the middle of nowhere...but there are troopers around. It makes me absolutely sick.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NY, ny
Posts: 28
can only control me...but i think what gives me the anxiety is the posibility of being found out, meaning, if gets a DUI, wont it be in the papers? i am well known in the area, i volunteer, have a good job, all that i have worked for and i feel like the embarrassment will just kill me. To be honest, I am more concerned about an innocent person getting hurt and my own embarrassment then the consequences mentally or physically that would fall upon him.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Hi and yes I have. Recently.
Totaled a new car, and the other parties sent to hospital with minor injuries. They settled, we\she\I got lucky. I say that because if someone was seriously injured or died life as we know it would be over. Years or legal costs, the stress, the guilt etc etc would ruin my life, my children’s lives not to mention the senseless harm done to someone on their way home or to work or to pick their children up, or children in the car. Last year there were almost 300 deaths in this state due drunk drivers. Forget about embarrassment, living with an active alcoholic is a hazard to your life and everyone else’s. It’s a battle you cannot win. It’s his fight not yours. Protect yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
I have been through it. Some people did find out, and I was saddened by the situation as a whole. My AH spent the night in jail. He has had to borrow thousands of dollars (because we have no savings, because he's an alcoholic), but our money was separate so I didnt have to pay toward it. That made me feel good. He got a great deal through the court (first time offender). If he does what they say (meetings, community service, fines) he will not have the DUI even on his record past a year. However at the time he is not. I am not sure the status of his case. If he got an extension on some of the requirements or what. It did teach me the level of denial. He really did some mental gymnastics to make himself the victim of the scenario.
Looking back it really didnt affect me at all other than mentally. Practically speaking its his issue. It was really refreshing to know he got himself into this and he can handle it. if he gets put in jail he gets put in jail. This doesn't affect my life very much.
your level of anxiety sounds high. I have been there. alanon helped me so much. I did an online meeting every night for awhile. I got into games on my phone and would fire one up immediately when my mind started to worry about things I cant control. i walked the dogs outside every day. None of it was a miracle cure but looking back it helped! Every little brick was a brick in the wall of my foundation.
Driving drunk is 100% his choice, 100% his decision, he knows it is dangerous, wrong and illegal. if he chooses to do so anyway, that is his prerogative. Give him enough respect to have him make his choices and experience the repercussions. An innocent person could get hurt. But they would be hurt by HIM not you. There is no practical way for you to prevent him doing this forever. you have to let it go. hugs! try to get to alanon!
Looking back it really didnt affect me at all other than mentally. Practically speaking its his issue. It was really refreshing to know he got himself into this and he can handle it. if he gets put in jail he gets put in jail. This doesn't affect my life very much.
your level of anxiety sounds high. I have been there. alanon helped me so much. I did an online meeting every night for awhile. I got into games on my phone and would fire one up immediately when my mind started to worry about things I cant control. i walked the dogs outside every day. None of it was a miracle cure but looking back it helped! Every little brick was a brick in the wall of my foundation.
Driving drunk is 100% his choice, 100% his decision, he knows it is dangerous, wrong and illegal. if he chooses to do so anyway, that is his prerogative. Give him enough respect to have him make his choices and experience the repercussions. An innocent person could get hurt. But they would be hurt by HIM not you. There is no practical way for you to prevent him doing this forever. you have to let it go. hugs! try to get to alanon!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Been through it several times over a 1/4 century. They're spaced far enough apart the alcoholic doesn't give a poop and considers himself a victim of organizations like MADD and greedy government since they fined and charged him for the mandatory program after. Throw in enabling that included money, use of cars and use of addresses of out of state relatives they never had to fully pay the consequences and frequently tempt fate driving after drinking.. They also get/got violently upset when people wouldn't drive them to a bar-oh it's only to meet my friends.
Allow the consequences of a DUI to take their course. Do not loan or enable with money in anyway-they pay everything including lawyers, fines, car insurance, devices etc. Do not provide non business transportation. Unfortunately his last lawyer played up the victim card.
Sidenote but program staff felt he needed rehab/counseling but talked himself out of it. Even boasted how he dealt with the staff. His drinking has increased. He has gotten upset over the years as people have moved, gotten married, worked different hours etc which eliminates a potential designated driver.
If they get a dui they pay everything. NO assistance no matter innocent it seems.
Allow the consequences of a DUI to take their course. Do not loan or enable with money in anyway-they pay everything including lawyers, fines, car insurance, devices etc. Do not provide non business transportation. Unfortunately his last lawyer played up the victim card.
Sidenote but program staff felt he needed rehab/counseling but talked himself out of it. Even boasted how he dealt with the staff. His drinking has increased. He has gotten upset over the years as people have moved, gotten married, worked different hours etc which eliminates a potential designated driver.
If they get a dui they pay everything. NO assistance no matter innocent it seems.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I've been through it. H didn't even tell me at first it was after a party that he came home later than expected. BIL brought him home and he didn't even mention it to me. I guess wife didn't need to know about it. First offense wasn't a felony so lost licence, took classes paid fees. Never had another DUI that I know of. Drank for ten years after. Majority of time at home in order not to risk another DUI or I became the designated driver always.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I've been through it. I worried about it a lot because he drank and drove since he was a teenager. He is one of "those" that thinks he drives better when he has had a few. Whatever. It finally caught up to him and he got caught. Three months without a licence. Truck impounded for a month of which we had to pay for $17 a day for 30days. Plus the police fines, plus the $1.2K for the class he had to take. He didn't have to go to court.
It did get him going back to AA for a while, that was the only good thing that happened. He wanted me to let him drive while his licence was suspended, I would not give him my keys.
He went back to drinking and driving and lying about it not too long afterwards. I always had such fear in my heart about all the things that could go wrong, and how those things would impact our entire family, not just him. It made me so sick with anxiety.
My AXH has gotten another DUI since we divorced. This time they were not as lenient , he had to go to court on two charges,DUI and Undue Care and Attention, he faced steeper fines, he had to get the breathalizer installed in his truck, he had to take the class again... all at his own expense.. he tried to pass it on to me by not paying me the money he still owed me, but courts didn't let him get away with that either. Of course he blames me for his financial troubles.
I empathize with you, I lived with that dread of him driving drunk for decades, it made me very sick. I never did call the police on him when he went out the door drunk, but I think I should have.
It did get him going back to AA for a while, that was the only good thing that happened. He wanted me to let him drive while his licence was suspended, I would not give him my keys.
He went back to drinking and driving and lying about it not too long afterwards. I always had such fear in my heart about all the things that could go wrong, and how those things would impact our entire family, not just him. It made me so sick with anxiety.
My AXH has gotten another DUI since we divorced. This time they were not as lenient , he had to go to court on two charges,DUI and Undue Care and Attention, he faced steeper fines, he had to get the breathalizer installed in his truck, he had to take the class again... all at his own expense.. he tried to pass it on to me by not paying me the money he still owed me, but courts didn't let him get away with that either. Of course he blames me for his financial troubles.
I empathize with you, I lived with that dread of him driving drunk for decades, it made me very sick. I never did call the police on him when he went out the door drunk, but I think I should have.
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Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 21
Once... And I wish I had the boundaries I do now because I never would have let him come home.
He was furious with me that day... We had taken our kids and my mother on a day rafting trip/picnic. We had driven separate cars. I knew he was drunk and offered to drive his home. He told me no but wanted our oldest son to ride with him so it would look "less suspicious". I stups my ground and took the kids (and my mom) with me. We followed him down the backroads and it was terrifying. Someone called him in (he swears it was me but it was not). I was actually so grateful when he was stopped. The kids saw it all. The officers were so kind to me and allowed me to drive his car home so I did not have to pay the impound fee. They asked who they should contact from the jail .... I told them I didn't care as long as it wasn't me.
His parents talked me into letting him come home because "that's what family does when we make mistakes" I wish I knew then what I know now....
He was furious with me that day... We had taken our kids and my mother on a day rafting trip/picnic. We had driven separate cars. I knew he was drunk and offered to drive his home. He told me no but wanted our oldest son to ride with him so it would look "less suspicious". I stups my ground and took the kids (and my mom) with me. We followed him down the backroads and it was terrifying. Someone called him in (he swears it was me but it was not). I was actually so grateful when he was stopped. The kids saw it all. The officers were so kind to me and allowed me to drive his car home so I did not have to pay the impound fee. They asked who they should contact from the jail .... I told them I didn't care as long as it wasn't me.
His parents talked me into letting him come home because "that's what family does when we make mistakes" I wish I knew then what I know now....
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
I went through it once. It was his first time—in this state—and he got a special program for “first time offenders” that kept his name out of the paper. He had to go to counseling (didn’t help), paid a fine, and lost his license for 60 days, although he continued to drive and just traded his car so he wouldn’t be recognized. The program was a joke and did not have any benefit, whatsoever. He was still driving drunk last summer that I know of (we haven’t been together since 4/18) and honestly, I wish he would get caught again. In the months before he left, I took pictures of the license plates with make and model of his cars so I could call the police, if needed. He was driving so drunk that he would hardly stand when he was out of the car.
I don’t care if people would recognize his name in the paper and associate it with me. I worry about the day he hurts or kills someone when he is behind the wheel (other than himself—he can do whatever he wants to himself).
I don’t care if people would recognize his name in the paper and associate it with me. I worry about the day he hurts or kills someone when he is behind the wheel (other than himself—he can do whatever he wants to himself).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NY, ny
Posts: 28
I am so grateful for this forum. Thank you for sharing your stories and your guidance. It definitely has shed some pressure off of my mind. I know I'd be devastated from the embarrassment, but you are all correct, this is NOT ME.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Yep I have been through it and it wasn’t his first. It ended up being his fourth but occurred before our state made that a felony.
He had to go to counseling and pay fines and get the interlock thingy on his truck, which the guy that “hooked it up” was his last day working there so it wasnt technically hooked up, he didn’t have to blow in it for the car to start.
He “quit drinking” for two years white knuckling it the entire time and we were both miserable.
Nope it is no fun but as everyone else said it is his garbage not yours.
Hugs to you!
He had to go to counseling and pay fines and get the interlock thingy on his truck, which the guy that “hooked it up” was his last day working there so it wasnt technically hooked up, he didn’t have to blow in it for the car to start.
He “quit drinking” for two years white knuckling it the entire time and we were both miserable.
Nope it is no fun but as everyone else said it is his garbage not yours.
Hugs to you!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Loveblue 
I know I'd be devastated from the embarrassment, but you are all correct, this is NOT ME.
Are you involved in Alanon?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Yes... many times
my brother had multiple DUIs. He beat 2 at trial. Convicted twice. Drove drunk anyway. One more and he would have lost his license for life but he died of an overdose.
I know numerous people who have spent decades in prison driving drunk and killed an innocent person in a crash.
When i I see an impaired driver I call 911...especially if I love them. It can be the bottom and a new direction. At least get a breath start in their car!
I know numerous people who have spent decades in prison driving drunk and killed an innocent person in a crash.
When i I see an impaired driver I call 911...especially if I love them. It can be the bottom and a new direction. At least get a breath start in their car!
Last edited by Hopeworks; 04-13-2019 at 12:55 PM. Reason: Not finishes
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Some DUI drivers have the strangest lucky streak, until they don't. A friend of mine's husband has the drinking problem (she got into alanon and got out with the 2 kids), he drove (and drives) drunk when he has the money to get his pickup on the road- license & insurance LOL. At least once after being stopped the cop basically just told him to drive home. A couple times she called the local cops to report him driving drunk, they took no action at all and in one case she had a nice chat with the cop on the phone about alanon. Eventually he did get busted for real but it took several years. These days he still has the truck, still drives and drinks daily and by all accounts a miserable person to be around. This is in a suburban area with reasonably well funded police, schools etc.
So I smile wryly when people talk about calling the police about drunk drivers. I suppose he would have to be really busted at a checkpoint for the serious charges. Given the opiate situation it wouldn't surprise me if a plain old drunk driver barely makes it onto the cop radar.
So I smile wryly when people talk about calling the police about drunk drivers. I suppose he would have to be really busted at a checkpoint for the serious charges. Given the opiate situation it wouldn't surprise me if a plain old drunk driver barely makes it onto the cop radar.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Twice with late AH. The first time was just a few months after we married. Lost his license, did his two days in jail, had to be in an 'assigned risk' insurance pool. The second time, oddly, our car insurance company never found out. A number of years had passed, so again he did his two days, lost his license again for three months, did his DEET assessment. He had to go to extra sessions, I guess because of the essay I wrote. It was so long ago, I don't remember any of what I wrote, but AH was peeved.
My father was involved in an accident that resulted in a fatality. His dinner companions, (Mom and another couple) didn't think he was impaired, that's why they agreed to have him drive. The fallout was horrible. It was a couple weeks before a trooper came to the house and told them Dad had failed the BAC test that night. (So, I guess he didn't look drunk to the police that night, either) It took almost a year before he went to trial. The district attorney did offer a plea deal: 17 years if he'd plead guilty. He was 76 years old at the time. The judge gave him a much shorter sentence.
Mom and Dad had to manage a civil suit after the criminal trial. They lost probably half their life savings, and the victim's family sued for a whole lot more than that. Unless one has OJ Simpson like wealth, no lawyer will take your case. Of course not, you're positioned to lose all your money, you won't have anything left to pay him or her.
My father was involved in an accident that resulted in a fatality. His dinner companions, (Mom and another couple) didn't think he was impaired, that's why they agreed to have him drive. The fallout was horrible. It was a couple weeks before a trooper came to the house and told them Dad had failed the BAC test that night. (So, I guess he didn't look drunk to the police that night, either) It took almost a year before he went to trial. The district attorney did offer a plea deal: 17 years if he'd plead guilty. He was 76 years old at the time. The judge gave him a much shorter sentence.
Mom and Dad had to manage a civil suit after the criminal trial. They lost probably half their life savings, and the victim's family sued for a whole lot more than that. Unless one has OJ Simpson like wealth, no lawyer will take your case. Of course not, you're positioned to lose all your money, you won't have anything left to pay him or her.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
I'm going through it right now with my son. I am thankful for two things: 1. that he did not hurt or injure himself or someone else, 2. that he has to now wear a court-mandated SCRAM bracelet which will not allow him to drink at all. He just had the bracelet put on recently. This was his second DWI and I believe he has a drinking problem, but he does not think so. I hope wearing the bracelet will both be a wakeup call and keep him safe.
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