Struggling with decision to leave
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: undecided
Posts: 59
Struggling with decision to leave
Well, the thread title says it all. Struggling with guilt and also with the worry that I might be giving up on AW and on the marriage too soon. Also worried about what will happen to her. Also really not looking forward to messy separation, divorce etc etc
Going through my old threads here on SR helps a lot (so another thank you to SR and to all the advice and support here!). I was struggling with the same issues two years ago when I asked her to leave and only come back when she had been sober for a long period. I was struggling with them again when she went to rehab last year and I was trying to figure out whether I wanted her back or not. On both occasions I thought (and said) ‘last chance’. On both occasions my gut feeling was to take her back. Then she relapsed recently and went for a week-long detox. Then too I took her back, and she drank again a few days later.
This time the gut feeling is different. There have been enough ‘last’ chances. I have told her MANY times that I would not stick around if she didn’t get and stay sober – I really should be able to follow through on it. My first thread here was titled 'Unsure' - I am much less unsure now. Reading through the old posts reminds me of how miserable I was when she was drinking, and how I got a taste of it again when she relapsed just now. In fact in one old post I had said things would be very difficult if she got sober for a while and then relapsed – that is exactly what happened (after 11 months sober last year, of which 3 were in in-patient rehab).
I HATE the thought of her coming back and staying sober for a year and then relapsing again, and the cycle continuing.
There was a moment during the latest relapse when I got a strong feeling that this drunken mess is who she is; it is not something exterior to her. I can’t just say I want the sweet, sober, loving AW and not the drunken one.
So all my previous thoughts and statements AND my current intuitions point towards only one conclusion. But I’m still struggling with it. There’s a character in a Star Wars film who says “I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” – I think that describes what I’m feeling quite well. (Doesn’t help that the character is the villain LOL).
What makes it difficult is how good our connection is when she is sober, which really showed when she was sober for months. She is good for me! WHEN sober
Also I think things would feel clearer if she was mean, abusive, selfish etc. She is none of these things when sober; even when drunk she is not mean or abusive, although obviously she is lying and hiding and so on. I just can’t stand the lying, though now I don’t react too badly because if she is drinking I automatically assume it.
It’s also difficult because I keep thinking about these sober months – if she could do it then why can’t she do it again? But do I want to spend the rest of my life worrying about the possibility of relapse?
And the guilt and the worry about what will happen to her! I KNOW it’s not my reponsibility but it’s so hard to just wash my hands of this person whom I care about so much and who shares my life and to whom I’ve made a solemn commitment! [Obviously, this is the whole reason we have this forum, heh.]
Thanks if you've read through all this rambling!
Going through my old threads here on SR helps a lot (so another thank you to SR and to all the advice and support here!). I was struggling with the same issues two years ago when I asked her to leave and only come back when she had been sober for a long period. I was struggling with them again when she went to rehab last year and I was trying to figure out whether I wanted her back or not. On both occasions I thought (and said) ‘last chance’. On both occasions my gut feeling was to take her back. Then she relapsed recently and went for a week-long detox. Then too I took her back, and she drank again a few days later.
This time the gut feeling is different. There have been enough ‘last’ chances. I have told her MANY times that I would not stick around if she didn’t get and stay sober – I really should be able to follow through on it. My first thread here was titled 'Unsure' - I am much less unsure now. Reading through the old posts reminds me of how miserable I was when she was drinking, and how I got a taste of it again when she relapsed just now. In fact in one old post I had said things would be very difficult if she got sober for a while and then relapsed – that is exactly what happened (after 11 months sober last year, of which 3 were in in-patient rehab).
I HATE the thought of her coming back and staying sober for a year and then relapsing again, and the cycle continuing.
There was a moment during the latest relapse when I got a strong feeling that this drunken mess is who she is; it is not something exterior to her. I can’t just say I want the sweet, sober, loving AW and not the drunken one.
So all my previous thoughts and statements AND my current intuitions point towards only one conclusion. But I’m still struggling with it. There’s a character in a Star Wars film who says “I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” – I think that describes what I’m feeling quite well. (Doesn’t help that the character is the villain LOL).
What makes it difficult is how good our connection is when she is sober, which really showed when she was sober for months. She is good for me! WHEN sober
Also I think things would feel clearer if she was mean, abusive, selfish etc. She is none of these things when sober; even when drunk she is not mean or abusive, although obviously she is lying and hiding and so on. I just can’t stand the lying, though now I don’t react too badly because if she is drinking I automatically assume it. It’s also difficult because I keep thinking about these sober months – if she could do it then why can’t she do it again? But do I want to spend the rest of my life worrying about the possibility of relapse?
And the guilt and the worry about what will happen to her! I KNOW it’s not my reponsibility but it’s so hard to just wash my hands of this person whom I care about so much and who shares my life and to whom I’ve made a solemn commitment! [Obviously, this is the whole reason we have this forum, heh.]
Thanks if you've read through all this rambling!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NY, ny
Posts: 28
Same here!
Originally Posted by rescuer 
Well, the thread title says it all. Struggling with guilt and also with the worry that I might be giving up on AW and on the marriage too soon. Also worried about what will happen to her. Also really not looking forward to messy separation, divorce etc etc
Going through my old threads here on SR helps a lot (so another thank you to SR and to all the advice and support here!). I was struggling with the same issues two years ago when I asked her to leave and only come back when she had been sober for a long period. I was struggling with them again when she went to rehab last year and I was trying to figure out whether I wanted her back or not. On both occasions I thought (and said) ‘last chance’. On both occasions my gut feeling was to take her back. Then she relapsed recently and went for a week-long detox. Then too I took her back, and she drank again a few days later.
This time the gut feeling is different. There have been enough ‘last’ chances. I have told her MANY times that I would not stick around if she didn’t get and stay sober – I really should be able to follow through on it. My first thread here was titled 'Unsure' - I am much less unsure now. Reading through the old posts reminds me of how miserable I was when she was drinking, and how I got a taste of it again when she relapsed just now. In fact in one old post I had said things would be very difficult if she got sober for a while and then relapsed – that is exactly what happened (after 11 months sober last year, of which 3 were in in-patient rehab).
I HATE the thought of her coming back and staying sober for a year and then relapsing again, and the cycle continuing.
There was a moment during the latest relapse when I got a strong feeling that this drunken mess is who she is; it is not something exterior to her. I can’t just say I want the sweet, sober, loving AW and not the drunken one.
So all my previous thoughts and statements AND my current intuitions point towards only one conclusion. But I’m still struggling with it. There’s a character in a Star Wars film who says “I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” – I think that describes what I’m feeling quite well. (Doesn’t help that the character is the villain LOL).
What makes it difficult is how good our connection is when she is sober, which really showed when she was sober for months. She is good for me! WHEN sober Also I think things would feel clearer if she was mean, abusive, selfish etc. She is none of these things when sober; even when drunk she is not mean or abusive, although obviously she is lying and hiding and so on. I just can’t stand the lying, though now I don’t react too badly because if she is drinking I automatically assume it.
It’s also difficult because I keep thinking about these sober months – if she could do it then why can’t she do it again? But do I want to spend the rest of my life worrying about the possibility of relapse?
And the guilt and the worry about what will happen to her! I KNOW it’s not my reponsibility but it’s so hard to just wash my hands of this person whom I care about so much and who shares my life and to whom I’ve made a solemn commitment! [Obviously, this is the whole reason we have this forum, heh.]
Thanks if you've read through all this rambling!
Going through my old threads here on SR helps a lot (so another thank you to SR and to all the advice and support here!). I was struggling with the same issues two years ago when I asked her to leave and only come back when she had been sober for a long period. I was struggling with them again when she went to rehab last year and I was trying to figure out whether I wanted her back or not. On both occasions I thought (and said) ‘last chance’. On both occasions my gut feeling was to take her back. Then she relapsed recently and went for a week-long detox. Then too I took her back, and she drank again a few days later.
This time the gut feeling is different. There have been enough ‘last’ chances. I have told her MANY times that I would not stick around if she didn’t get and stay sober – I really should be able to follow through on it. My first thread here was titled 'Unsure' - I am much less unsure now. Reading through the old posts reminds me of how miserable I was when she was drinking, and how I got a taste of it again when she relapsed just now. In fact in one old post I had said things would be very difficult if she got sober for a while and then relapsed – that is exactly what happened (after 11 months sober last year, of which 3 were in in-patient rehab).
I HATE the thought of her coming back and staying sober for a year and then relapsing again, and the cycle continuing.
There was a moment during the latest relapse when I got a strong feeling that this drunken mess is who she is; it is not something exterior to her. I can’t just say I want the sweet, sober, loving AW and not the drunken one.
So all my previous thoughts and statements AND my current intuitions point towards only one conclusion. But I’m still struggling with it. There’s a character in a Star Wars film who says “I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” – I think that describes what I’m feeling quite well. (Doesn’t help that the character is the villain LOL).
What makes it difficult is how good our connection is when she is sober, which really showed when she was sober for months. She is good for me! WHEN sober
Also I think things would feel clearer if she was mean, abusive, selfish etc. She is none of these things when sober; even when drunk she is not mean or abusive, although obviously she is lying and hiding and so on. I just can’t stand the lying, though now I don’t react too badly because if she is drinking I automatically assume it.It’s also difficult because I keep thinking about these sober months – if she could do it then why can’t she do it again? But do I want to spend the rest of my life worrying about the possibility of relapse?
And the guilt and the worry about what will happen to her! I KNOW it’s not my reponsibility but it’s so hard to just wash my hands of this person whom I care about so much and who shares my life and to whom I’ve made a solemn commitment! [Obviously, this is the whole reason we have this forum, heh.]
Thanks if you've read through all this rambling!
stay strong and get support.. this is so difficult.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by rescuer
What makes it difficult is how good our connection is when she is sober, which really showed when she was sober for months. She is good for me! WHEN sober Also I think things would feel clearer if she was mean, abusive, selfish etc. She is none of these things when sober; even when drunk she is not mean or abusive, although obviously she is lying and hiding and so on.
Also I think things would feel clearer if she was mean, abusive, selfish etc. She is none of these things when sober; even when drunk she is not mean or abusive, although obviously she is lying and hiding and so on.
Originally Posted by rescuer
Struggling with guilt and also with the worry that I might be giving up on AW and on the marriage too soon. Also worried about what will happen to her.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
I am currently in the 4 month waiting period for my divorce. I too went back and forth, so many times I lost count, on whether to leave or to stay.
Here's the conclusion I came to: it wasn't fair to neither my AH nor myself for me to continue to live a lie. I simply stopped feeling the same way about him. Do I love him, sure I do, but am I willing to continue to give up my hopes and dreams for him - not anymore.
I also thought about my behavior and did my own inventory (Step 4 in Alanon) and what got me was a reading we did at one of the meetings that I was robbing him of the dignity to live his own life and that he didn't have a problem with his drinking . . . I did! He is over a year sober at this point but I believe he is a narcissist and even when he was early in recovery I was so sick in the head (co-dependence at its finest) that I found myself even trying to control his recovery! And I have/had no control over that; just like I had/have no control over his drinking.
Once I started for focus on me and my life, lo and behold, MY life started to get manageable and yes, even pleasant. AH and I still live in the same house, which he bought me out of - and I am actually happy for him because I know how much he loves that house.
Sometimes at the end of the day I think we just need to take our rose-colored glasses off and see things as they really are and get to know OURSELVES and what WE really want. I decided that I want both him and myself to be happy with this one life we have an I don't believe I can be happy staying with him.
Does he still get difficult? Absolutely! I just choose, at this point, not to engage. And when he starts being an a$$ and picking on me - I leave the room, house, or wherever he is to get away from it.
I have purchased a house and brought our camper (which I get in the divorce) to a seasonal site and I am happier than I have been in years! I don't dwell on other people's business (especially his!) and keep my nose in my own business and pay attention to what's in front of me.
So, I took MY power back and you can too. I know that you say that you love her but really look at what kind of love that is. . . I don't know if you are settling for something, only you can answer that question.
I too still have doubts at times whether I am doing the right thing (he doesn't want the divorce) but again, I have to look at myself for that answer and what makes me question myself is other people being judgmental and not keeping their nose in their own business - but you will always have that. I stopped being a victim to this horrendous disease and decided to stand back up for me.
Good luck to you! Hugs!
Here's the conclusion I came to: it wasn't fair to neither my AH nor myself for me to continue to live a lie. I simply stopped feeling the same way about him. Do I love him, sure I do, but am I willing to continue to give up my hopes and dreams for him - not anymore.
I also thought about my behavior and did my own inventory (Step 4 in Alanon) and what got me was a reading we did at one of the meetings that I was robbing him of the dignity to live his own life and that he didn't have a problem with his drinking . . . I did! He is over a year sober at this point but I believe he is a narcissist and even when he was early in recovery I was so sick in the head (co-dependence at its finest) that I found myself even trying to control his recovery! And I have/had no control over that; just like I had/have no control over his drinking.
Once I started for focus on me and my life, lo and behold, MY life started to get manageable and yes, even pleasant. AH and I still live in the same house, which he bought me out of - and I am actually happy for him because I know how much he loves that house.
Sometimes at the end of the day I think we just need to take our rose-colored glasses off and see things as they really are and get to know OURSELVES and what WE really want. I decided that I want both him and myself to be happy with this one life we have an I don't believe I can be happy staying with him.
Does he still get difficult? Absolutely! I just choose, at this point, not to engage. And when he starts being an a$$ and picking on me - I leave the room, house, or wherever he is to get away from it.
I have purchased a house and brought our camper (which I get in the divorce) to a seasonal site and I am happier than I have been in years! I don't dwell on other people's business (especially his!) and keep my nose in my own business and pay attention to what's in front of me.
So, I took MY power back and you can too. I know that you say that you love her but really look at what kind of love that is. . . I don't know if you are settling for something, only you can answer that question.
I too still have doubts at times whether I am doing the right thing (he doesn't want the divorce) but again, I have to look at myself for that answer and what makes me question myself is other people being judgmental and not keeping their nose in their own business - but you will always have that. I stopped being a victim to this horrendous disease and decided to stand back up for me.
Good luck to you! Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
"Struggling with guilt and also with the worry that I might be giving up on AW and on the marriage too soon."
How long have you been struggling? From your post it sounds like a number of years. How much longer are you prepared to struggle?
I personally struggled for 12 years. Staying didn't change my husband, neither did leaving.
It's so hard to be in love with a person who really doesn't seem to be there any more.
my heart goes out to you
How long have you been struggling? From your post it sounds like a number of years. How much longer are you prepared to struggle?
I personally struggled for 12 years. Staying didn't change my husband, neither did leaving.
It's so hard to be in love with a person who really doesn't seem to be there any more.
my heart goes out to you
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I HATE the thought of her coming back and staying sober for a year and then relapsing again, and the cycle continuing.
the cycle is HER cycle. if you being a part of it all was the key that made the difference, she'd be living in continuous sobriety.
but she is not. in fact it is possible that the continued "last chances" are now part of her drinking cycle. relapse, recover, return, relapse. she knows she can screw up, repeatedly, and you will take her back. perfect fall back plan.
if nothing else, perhaps she needs some time in a sober living environment OUT of the house. remove yourself from the equation. get yourself OUT of her cycle.
the cycle is HER cycle. if you being a part of it all was the key that made the difference, she'd be living in continuous sobriety.
but she is not. in fact it is possible that the continued "last chances" are now part of her drinking cycle. relapse, recover, return, relapse. she knows she can screw up, repeatedly, and you will take her back. perfect fall back plan.
if nothing else, perhaps she needs some time in a sober living environment OUT of the house. remove yourself from the equation. get yourself OUT of her cycle.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
rescuer- you are on your own time table and when its right you will know deep in your gut. That doesn't mean you won't question your gut along the way because I assure you that will happen. I was 22 years in a relationship. I believe I needed all 22 years to prepare for what I have been going through the last 2 (I was always a learn the hard way girl). Do I wish it didn't take so long ..... absolutely but if the shenanigans were the same after only 10 years I absolutely know I wouldn't have been strong enough to deal with the fallout. It's your path, your timetable, honor yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by rescuer
Well, the thread title says it all. Struggling with guilt and also with the worry that I might be giving up on AW and on the marriage too soon. Also worried about what will happen to her. Also really not looking forward to messy separation, divorce etc etc
Going through my old threads here on SR helps a lot (so another thank you to SR and to all the advice and support here!). I was struggling with the same issues two years ago when I asked her to leave and only come back when she had been sober for a long period. I was struggling with them again when she went to rehab last year and I was trying to figure out whether I wanted her back or not. On both occasions I thought (and said) ‘last chance’. On both occasions my gut feeling was to take her back. Then she relapsed recently and went for a week-long detox. Then too I took her back, and she drank again a few days later.
This time the gut feeling is different. There have been enough ‘last’ chances. I have told her MANY times that I would not stick around if she didn’t get and stay sober – I really should be able to follow through on it. My first thread here was titled 'Unsure' - I am much less unsure now. Reading through the old posts reminds me of how miserable I was when she was drinking, and how I got a taste of it again when she relapsed just now. In fact in one old post I had said things would be very difficult if she got sober for a while and then relapsed – that is exactly what happened (after 11 months sober last year, of which 3 were in in-patient rehab).
I HATE the thought of her coming back and staying sober for a year and then relapsing again, and the cycle continuing.
There was a moment during the latest relapse when I got a strong feeling that this drunken mess is who she is; it is not something exterior to her. I can’t just say I want the sweet, sober, loving AW and not the drunken one.
So all my previous thoughts and statements AND my current intuitions point towards only one conclusion. But I’m still struggling with it. There’s a character in a Star Wars film who says “I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” – I think that describes what I’m feeling quite well. (Doesn’t help that the character is the villain LOL).
What makes it difficult is how good our connection is when she is sober, which really showed when she was sober for months. She is good for me! WHEN sober Also I think things would feel clearer if she was mean, abusive, selfish etc. She is none of these things when sober; even when drunk she is not mean or abusive, although obviously she is lying and hiding and so on. I just can’t stand the lying, though now I don’t react too badly because if she is drinking I automatically assume it.
It’s also difficult because I keep thinking about these sober months – if she could do it then why can’t she do it again? But do I want to spend the rest of my life worrying about the possibility of relapse?
And the guilt and the worry about what will happen to her! I KNOW it’s not my reponsibility but it’s so hard to just wash my hands of this person whom I care about so much and who shares my life and to whom I’ve made a solemn commitment! [Obviously, this is the whole reason we have this forum, heh.]
Thanks if you've read through all this rambling!
Going through my old threads here on SR helps a lot (so another thank you to SR and to all the advice and support here!). I was struggling with the same issues two years ago when I asked her to leave and only come back when she had been sober for a long period. I was struggling with them again when she went to rehab last year and I was trying to figure out whether I wanted her back or not. On both occasions I thought (and said) ‘last chance’. On both occasions my gut feeling was to take her back. Then she relapsed recently and went for a week-long detox. Then too I took her back, and she drank again a few days later.
This time the gut feeling is different. There have been enough ‘last’ chances. I have told her MANY times that I would not stick around if she didn’t get and stay sober – I really should be able to follow through on it. My first thread here was titled 'Unsure' - I am much less unsure now. Reading through the old posts reminds me of how miserable I was when she was drinking, and how I got a taste of it again when she relapsed just now. In fact in one old post I had said things would be very difficult if she got sober for a while and then relapsed – that is exactly what happened (after 11 months sober last year, of which 3 were in in-patient rehab).
I HATE the thought of her coming back and staying sober for a year and then relapsing again, and the cycle continuing.
There was a moment during the latest relapse when I got a strong feeling that this drunken mess is who she is; it is not something exterior to her. I can’t just say I want the sweet, sober, loving AW and not the drunken one.
So all my previous thoughts and statements AND my current intuitions point towards only one conclusion. But I’m still struggling with it. There’s a character in a Star Wars film who says “I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” – I think that describes what I’m feeling quite well. (Doesn’t help that the character is the villain LOL).
What makes it difficult is how good our connection is when she is sober, which really showed when she was sober for months. She is good for me! WHEN sober
Also I think things would feel clearer if she was mean, abusive, selfish etc. She is none of these things when sober; even when drunk she is not mean or abusive, although obviously she is lying and hiding and so on. I just can’t stand the lying, though now I don’t react too badly because if she is drinking I automatically assume it.It’s also difficult because I keep thinking about these sober months – if she could do it then why can’t she do it again? But do I want to spend the rest of my life worrying about the possibility of relapse?
And the guilt and the worry about what will happen to her! I KNOW it’s not my reponsibility but it’s so hard to just wash my hands of this person whom I care about so much and who shares my life and to whom I’ve made a solemn commitment! [Obviously, this is the whole reason we have this forum, heh.]
Thanks if you've read through all this rambling!
As for mine, he still drinks and still lies. A lot. I have always said the lying was the hardest part. (why do they lie about things that dont even matter?!). But living apart has brought *me* peace and space. It was definitely the right thing for me. I feel like I am starting to process some things now that the daily crisis of living with an alcoholic is done.
I dont think you will regret it if you go. you can always revisit the situation if she shows significant progress.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Perhaps the pause and questions are simply needed before you take a wonderful leap of faith.
One day at a time. Prayer and meditation have led me to very good places, and through my fears. Your path is yours to create. We're here to share the journey, our experiences and give additional perspectives.
One day at a time. Prayer and meditation have led me to very good places, and through my fears. Your path is yours to create. We're here to share the journey, our experiences and give additional perspectives.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
rescuer......I think that anyone who is strong enough to live with an alcoholic is strong enough to live without the alcoholic.....
A person never knows how courageous they are until courage is the only option left.....
A person never knows how courageous they are until courage is the only option left.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: undecided
Posts: 59
Thank you so much everyone. The support feels really good. And there are lots of things I needed to hear. Yes, I know 'last chances' can't be plural. I need to break my own cycle and let her handle herself.
I am crying so much these days. But taking care of myself and keeping it together for work etc.
Well, she was drinking up until a week ago. Then she went with her mother to a hospital that has a detox/deaddiction centre. She was supposed to stay for a month but apparently she left today along with her mother. I'm getting all this from her friend. She (the friend) said AW didn't sound very genuine/convincing in her sobriety 'plan'. TBH I won't be surprised if she is drinking again soon. I am not letting her come home to me either way, for sure. I think she's going to stay with her mother.
I just hope she won't make things unpleasant. If she is sober she won't, but who knows what the alcoholic voice is capable of doing?
I've done this a lot. Still doing it a little
I'm beginning to accept this.
True. I hadn't thought of it this way.
Married for 5 years. Struggling with the drinking for most of it. Struggling with the decision of leaving temporarily or permanently for about 2 years.
It's a relatively short time but it feels long!
I don't want to struggle any more. I'm using the word 'struggle' way too much!!
I think this is what is happening. Gut has finally come around to saying it's time to end it. And now I'm questioning that!
In one of my own posts here two years ago I had said something about needing to 'let the story play out'. I think it's played out now to the point that I know I have to leave. Still the doubts and questions though.
I am strong enough to live without her. I'm not worried about that. I'm more worried about her, but I am trying/learning to accept that she has to live her own life. It's so hard.
I'm also really grieving the life we had planned. I thought we had gotten it back last year when she was sober. I know it doesn't work like that. I have to tell myself that that life was only in my imagination. Well, it was in her imagination too, but not more powerful than her addiction.
True. Never say never, and take it one day at a time. But I don't really want to focus on the possibility of revisiting the situation. It might become another cycle. And I certainly don't want to mention it to her.
Yes. Thank you.
I am crying so much these days. But taking care of myself and keeping it together for work etc.
Originally Posted by djlook
So she is currently drinking?
I just hope she won't make things unpleasant. If she is sober she won't, but who knows what the alcoholic voice is capable of doing?
Originally Posted by ScaryTime
I found myself even trying to control his recovery!
Originally Posted by ScaryTime
I decided that I want both him and myself to be happy with this one life we have an I don't believe I can be happy staying with him.
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
All of the dramatic abuse stories tempt us to tell ourselves "Oh, it's not that bad..." but that's the same as an alcoholic sitting in an AA meeting, listening to the outrageous stories and telling himself that his drinking isn't so bad, etc. etc.
Originally Posted by Amaranth
How long have you been struggling? From your post it sounds like a number of years. How much longer are you prepared to struggle?
It's a relatively short time but it feels long!
I don't want to struggle any more. I'm using the word 'struggle' way too much!!
Originally Posted by dawnrising
rescuer- you are on your own time table and when its right you will know deep in your gut. That doesn't mean you won't question your gut along the way
In one of my own posts here two years ago I had said something about needing to 'let the story play out'. I think it's played out now to the point that I know I have to leave. Still the doubts and questions though.
Originally Posted by dandylion
rescuer......I think that anyone who is strong enough to live with an alcoholic is strong enough to live without the alcoholic.....
A person never knows how courageous they are until courage is the only option left.....
A person never knows how courageous they are until courage is the only option left.....
I'm also really grieving the life we had planned. I thought we had gotten it back last year when she was sober. I know it doesn't work like that. I have to tell myself that that life was only in my imagination. Well, it was in her imagination too, but not more powerful than her addiction.
Originally Posted by the1975jen
I dont think you will regret it if you go. you can always revisit the situation if she shows significant progress.
Originally Posted by Mango212
Perhaps the pause and questions are simply needed before you take a wonderful leap of faith.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
"...I think that anyone who is strong enough to live with an alcoholic is strong enough to live without the alcoholic....."
Thank you dandylion for this powerful affirmation.
The decision to leave has taken me years to make. Now that I have made it, I know it is the right decision because the anxiety I have carried for so many years has already begun to soften. And the more I focus on myself through meditation and breathing and keeping my thoughts toward my path ahead and within my boundaries, the more peace I experience. I don't always do this but the more I try the more I do and I see that as a good thing.
Ignoring the pain by focusing outside and attaching my attention to other things and deferring the decision in the name of keeping my marriage commitment resulted in me and my kids staying in this situation too long. I forgive myself on this but I mention it in case it might somehow be helpful.
Thank you dandylion for this powerful affirmation.
The decision to leave has taken me years to make. Now that I have made it, I know it is the right decision because the anxiety I have carried for so many years has already begun to soften. And the more I focus on myself through meditation and breathing and keeping my thoughts toward my path ahead and within my boundaries, the more peace I experience. I don't always do this but the more I try the more I do and I see that as a good thing.
Ignoring the pain by focusing outside and attaching my attention to other things and deferring the decision in the name of keeping my marriage commitment resulted in me and my kids staying in this situation too long. I forgive myself on this but I mention it in case it might somehow be helpful.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I'm struggling to leave too. That belief in marriage is so strong. He's sober but he's not nice. I realize I don't like him anymore. Yet, I still struggle. I think it's he is sober so he's better but this would not have been the marriage I signed up for. There has to be another goal for me than to ride this rollercoaster.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Are you in counseling at all? If not I would highly recommend it, with someone who has experience dealing with addiction. I was with my XRAH for 16 years and he was an alcoholic for all that time, I just didn’t realize it until later. We had our good times of course and he quit a few times but it never lasted because he never sought treatment. In 2014 I confronted him because it got really out of control and he drove home ********* one day. He stopped and I recommended that maybe he should get treatment but he wanted to do it one more time himself. He quit for a year but wasn’t much fun to be around as he was white knuckling it. And after a year he went back and I let if go. I figured either he or I had to hit rock bottom because otherwise this cycle of him stopping for a while and then starting again would just continue. In 2014 I was not ready to leave him. In 2016 I hit my rock bottom and could no longer deal and gave him an ultimatum. He realized I was serious (and alter admitted it only worked because he himself had gotten to the point where he realized he couldn’t go on like that) and ended up in rehab for 3 month. Great, right? You’d think I’d be happy that he got clean. Well sobriety changes people, both the addcit and the partner (who more often than not has codependent issues to deal with and recover from). And after 2 years he was still clan and doing well but I’d just didn’t work out, my feeling during those last 2 years before sobriety really changed for him. Had he done in 2014 what I had asked him in 2016 we probably would’ve made it but those last 2 years did me in to the Pitt of no return.
Only you can decide, but if she doesn’t seek treatment and take it seriously, she will continue to relapse more than likely. Detox is only so they can get off the alchilolmysafely but it doesn’t do anything for the addictive personality. They need treatment and need to learn new coping skills outside of alcohol. If you can find it watch Pleasure unwoven. It is a documentary on alcohol and really good. Also read codependent no more. You will likely recognize yourself in some of that.
It is hard no doubt. Do you have kids? If you don’t it might be easier to decide. Also consider checking out alanon. It wasn’t for me but I did novo for a few weeks.
My ex is still sober but after 40 years of alcoholism the sobriety really made him a different person. And I am no longer the same person either. After rehab they told us no major life decisions for a year because true sobriety takes at least that long with the right treatment. But they can release. Once an alcoholic already an alcoholic so the possibility of relapse it always there, even after many years of sobriety. If you haven’t already really educate yourself on addition. I realize that I really knew very little about it despite being a medical provider. Had I known then what I know now I may have handled things differently but I am not sure the outcome would have been different ultimately.
Anyway, you don’t need to make decisions today but you have some things to think about. Good luck!
Only you can decide, but if she doesn’t seek treatment and take it seriously, she will continue to relapse more than likely. Detox is only so they can get off the alchilolmysafely but it doesn’t do anything for the addictive personality. They need treatment and need to learn new coping skills outside of alcohol. If you can find it watch Pleasure unwoven. It is a documentary on alcohol and really good. Also read codependent no more. You will likely recognize yourself in some of that.
It is hard no doubt. Do you have kids? If you don’t it might be easier to decide. Also consider checking out alanon. It wasn’t for me but I did novo for a few weeks.
My ex is still sober but after 40 years of alcoholism the sobriety really made him a different person. And I am no longer the same person either. After rehab they told us no major life decisions for a year because true sobriety takes at least that long with the right treatment. But they can release. Once an alcoholic already an alcoholic so the possibility of relapse it always there, even after many years of sobriety. If you haven’t already really educate yourself on addition. I realize that I really knew very little about it despite being a medical provider. Had I known then what I know now I may have handled things differently but I am not sure the outcome would have been different ultimately.
Anyway, you don’t need to make decisions today but you have some things to think about. Good luck!
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 54
I was referred to this post after making a post of my own. I share the same struggle, as you can read in my latest thread. My fiance isn't an alcoholic, he's an opiate addict. I guess in the end the stories are the same...the lies, the betrayal, the "hoping" that he really means it when he says this is the "last time" ...only that time has never come. It started to, but 12 days into recovery he pulled the rug out from under me and left the house to stay with his addict sister so that he could use. My head tells me what is right, but my heart tells me something else. Struggle is putting it lightly. It's a complete mind screw.
My fiance is not a nasty one when he's using, he never even really gets "high" but years of lying and manipulation (and now leaving me hanging like a yo-yo) is almost unbearable. I know what I need to do, and thankfully I have the support of his family and his friends (and everyone here) to lean on.
There are no kids involved (between the two of us, anyway...he has 3 girls from his marriage) but it doesn't make things any easier. I've tried playing the "savior" for years, but I know that only he can save himself. And I feel like leaving him is "giving up on him" in some sick and twisted way. It's an impossible situation for anyone, especially when it's a loved one. We're just helpless flies sitting on a wall, watching someone destroy everything, including our lives. It just outright SUCKS. Prayers for you!
My fiance is not a nasty one when he's using, he never even really gets "high" but years of lying and manipulation (and now leaving me hanging like a yo-yo) is almost unbearable. I know what I need to do, and thankfully I have the support of his family and his friends (and everyone here) to lean on.
There are no kids involved (between the two of us, anyway...he has 3 girls from his marriage) but it doesn't make things any easier. I've tried playing the "savior" for years, but I know that only he can save himself. And I feel like leaving him is "giving up on him" in some sick and twisted way. It's an impossible situation for anyone, especially when it's a loved one. We're just helpless flies sitting on a wall, watching someone destroy everything, including our lives. It just outright SUCKS. Prayers for you!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Glad you are working through some of your confusion. At 5 years in, you sound much better than I was at that point. I was unable to identify what the true problem was at that point.
Just wanted to offer encouragement. For me, the periods of "good times" became shorter and shorter. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Just wanted to offer encouragement. For me, the periods of "good times" became shorter and shorter. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: undecided
Posts: 59
Thank you everyone for your support. I am sorry that there are so many of us here still going through this.
Spoke to her a couple of times. She had not been drinking when we spoke (I can always tell) but I still got the feeling I was listening to the alcoholic voice talking. No particular thing that she said but something about the overall tone and tenor of the conversation didn't sound 'genuine'. Does that make sense? Her friend had spoken to her a couple of days earlier and felt the same thing.
I'm so glad I found this forum!
Spoke to her a couple of times. She had not been drinking when we spoke (I can always tell) but I still got the feeling I was listening to the alcoholic voice talking. No particular thing that she said but something about the overall tone and tenor of the conversation didn't sound 'genuine'. Does that make sense? Her friend had spoken to her a couple of days earlier and felt the same thing.
Originally Posted by Gm0824
Glad you are working through some of your confusion.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by rescuer
She had not been drinking when we spoke (I can always tell) but I still got the feeling I was listening to the alcoholic voice talking.
A drunk is a drunk - that's what I've come to see. Drinking, hungover or sober, the way a drunk thinks is the way a drunk thinks. The only way that thinking changes is through committed, active and prolonged recovery work. Otherwise, you're just talking to a drunk.
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