abgator

Insomnia sucks. I know it'll get better with time...I hope. I'm 38 and I've drank heavily for years. Had several blackout, WTF did I do experiences. I've known I needed to quit for at least 4 years, since it cost me my marriage. I've "quit" 3 times, the first 2 not lasting more than 2 months. After a month, I feel great physically and in a better place mentally as well, but I relapsed anyway. The first time, I thought I could handle "just 1 or 2". Uh huh. The 2nd time, I just said screw it, depression got to me. I've gone through complete withdrawal twice and it was miserable. You know the symptoms...anxiety, insomnia, shakes and spasms, light headed woozy (the light headedness and feeling like my eyes can't focus takes the longest to go away, up to 3 weeks.) Only hallucinations once. So why do I keep doing this to myself? Now I'm back in week 3 of my 3rd time quitting after my relapse consisted of a 4 day binge compiling a case of beer, a few bottles of wine, and 2 handles of bourbon.

Still have trouble sleeping, as it's now 3am and I just can't now matter how tired I am. I think I just pulled a lung yawning. Been so stressed with a new job and the alcoholism that I'm grinding my teeth and the TMJ has acted up again. Ear aches, headaches, muscle tension in my neck and jaw.

I need new coping techniques. Loneliness, anxiety, boredom, physical pain (neck injury), insomnia....alcohol was my cure all (even though I now realize the alcohol was causing most of my anxiety in the first place.) Despite my alcoholism, I managed to keep my **** together and be responsible enough when I have my little girl. It's my only saving grace in my mind, even though I know that's not true. But it's made me dependent on my daughter for me to be happy, which isn't healthy.

I've been to a couple AA meetings and so far, I'm just not feeling it.

Tailai

Tailai

Guener

There are a few people out there who just quit, and it's over. My Dad was one of those persons, and he was an alcoholic, but not me. For most of us recovery takes a lot of effort beyond just not picking up the drink.

As you know, the physical stuff does resolve itself over time, we feel better. Still, I found myself going back to drinking, sometimes heavily and near the end not so much, but still going down that same road, too. There was no more ecstasy to go with the agony, and I realized I was not going to keep making it this way.

Do you think that you need to do something more than just quitting putting the alcohol down your throat to turn things around, and, if so, what's it going to be? It doesn't have to be a formatted program like AA, though meetings there helped me to perceive some things about my drinking. You're right, you probably just cannot keep your **** together for somebody at certain times, and alcoholism is definitely progressive in nature.

I just don't sense that you have a long range plan, and that's maybe why you keep relapsing. What internal skills can you bring to bear on it? What will you try that you have not taken on in the form of an instrument to help?

Dee74

Hi and welcome abgator

You'll find that support helps a lot - and there's a lot of that here...some good ideas too.

Good to have you aboard

D

abgator

Dr. and my shrink. I've tried every pill available and most don't work, some may help me get to sleep, but I won't stay asleep for more than 2 or 3 hours. I've also had sleep studies, no apnea.

Most of it is that I can never shut my brain off. It goes 90 to nothing at all times. I can usually go to sleep when the kiddo is with me, I feel more at ease. Sometimes I try to avoid using it, but I do use medical weed to help me get to sleep. Some people consider that a slippery slope for an alcoholic, but it's only been a problem for me when I try something that makes me anxious. A mellow indica just makes me tired.

abgator

Good questions, which I don't have the answer to as of yet. There's a big part of me that still just doesn't want to quit. I'm 99% sure it's mostly because I've been single for 4 years and I hate being alone. I envy those who have spouses or partners who chose to help instead of run without any sort of effort.

abgator

Yes and no. I've learned there's no moderation, no justification. I've learned I can manage and survive, rather thrive, without alcohol. The primary AV for me at this point is just dealing with loneliness...and dealing with alcoholism alone. I know, AA or family isn't going through it "alone" per se, but it is. I know I have a better life than a lot of people, but for some reason it's still not enough.

entropy1964

Welcome! Yes insomnia sucks.

Since you do sleep better when your child is with you it might be more anxiety related as opposed to straight up alcohol withdrawal, although that doesn't help.

For me a major coping mechanism is to realize that I have control over very little. Learning to let things go otherwise I drive myself nuts. Then have terrible anxiety and also can't sleep.

I was care giving for my parents that both have dementia. My father is 'sun downing' now and its brutal. I've been back for a week but still wasn't able to sleep...to shut off what's happening. And add all the family dysfunction and having to communicate with my insane brothers. I wake up every hour and its like the chatter in my brain hasn't stopped and I'm right back on the rat wheel. Thinking about all this shlit I can't control. But after about a week back home, lots of exercise, lots of gratitude about how good my life really is, lots of focusing on what I can control, I am starting to sleep better.

If you can avoid sleep meds, that is always the best thing. They are a bitch to get off of once you start them!

Hevyn

It's so good to have you with us, abgator. I have no idea why I kept sabotaging myself either - but I did it for decades. Joining SR helped me find the courage to quit for good. I never felt alone once I began talking things over here. No one else in my life really understood what I was going through. I was always asked why I couldn't just have 'a few'. Discussing things here helped with my anxiety. You can begin to heal & stay free.

abgator

Well no one ever gave me REAL sleeping meds, that scary stuff like ambien, which I won't take anyway. It was all these medications that were harmless and the primary side effect was drowsiness. Just a waste of money those were.

You're right that exercise is a big help. I have some ongoing issues from a car accident, so it's often that I simply can't exercise without pain. Acknowledging that I have no control over many factors just doesn't work for me. Not yet. It's like when people tell you to not be anxious because it's all in your head. Knowing it and dealing with it are 2 very different things. I'm just not there yet.

I'm working on meditation and breathing techniques, but it's a slow process to shut it all down.

The thing with my daughter...she still sleeps in bed with me. She won't sleep if I don't sleep. Playing games, riding bikes, getting her to do homework, etc....I stay busy. My brain doesn't have time to worry like it does when I'm alone. And then I'm focused on her being and staying asleep. I end up going to sleep because of all that.

kinzoku

All I can say is keep it at, you need to try a lot before you figure out what works for you.