I took the bait. :(
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 61
I took the bait. :(
I said I’d be MIA all weekend but I wanted to post that I “took the bait” to a community that can understand.
I told my friend I was withdrawing from the intensity of our relationship for now- not flat out N.C. but just didn’t want to talk about his “recovery” or issues or anything right now at all and if he did something that was hurtful to me I wasn’t going to pretend it didn’t hurt- and if that meant for him he didn’t want to contact me OK. I wasn’t this flippant about it but the message was “I don’t want to hear about all the ways the psychologist who assessed you for your bazillionth rehab doesn’t understand you, but if you want to send a funny picture of animals doing people things, I won’t block your number, and also I’ll keep on looking after your plants because I love them like children, so obvs, you’ll have call if you ever want custody of them again.”
I straight out said “I won't be initiating any more contact at this point.” So that was clear as day.
Yeah you can all see where this is going.
So a few days go by.
Then his mom, who he’s living with, calls me yesterday (after this hella-weird “I’m not going to talk to you anymore” call) and I send it to voicemail (yay! I didn’t pick up) but then I listened to the voicemail (neutral! Not yay but not a boo yet!) and she’s all like “have you heard from AF (alcoholic friend) because he’s gone missing and I’m worried about him.” So I called back (getting closer to the boo zone) ... Only a two minute talk, nope, haven’t talked to him in days, advised her to call police ASAP if she was worried he was in danger. She texts me a few minutes later that she called them.
A few hours go by and I text “has he turned up?” Answer is no.
So I dial his number. He doesn’t pick up so I leave a “you are loved and at the end of the day I’m here for you no matter what” message.
15 minutes later he shows up on his moms doorstep. She texts me.
I say I’m glad he’s turned up safe.
She’s texted me a few times since then with updates on his condition which I’ve ignored (we literally agreed just over a week ago that we weren’t talking about that anymore...)
But I’m kicking myself for taking the bait and reaching out days after I said I wouldn’t.
50/50 chance he did it deliberately. Alcoholics can be dumb and thoughtless or conniving and manipulative depending on the day. He knows that I would be triggered by him going “missing” (past trauma) especially since his mom was worried that he was feeling suicidal or at a risk for drunken-harm like getting lost in the woods.
So on one hand I was legit worried and couldn’t have lived with myself if he had thrown himself in front of a bus or whatever and all it would have taken is a call.... (even bough in a not panicked state I totally get how that’s taking responsibility for him in an unhealthy way...) ... but on the other hand I took bait to reach out when I said I wouldn’t. And I feel slightly rotten about it, about not sticking to my boundaries.
Wait, is posting on this forum after saying I was awol for the weekend the same? (This is a half joke. No. It’s not. I was going awol to not think about AF and his drama but then I got sucked into his drama llama anyway so now I’m here to admit my “relapse” of sorts and have some virtual hands to hold from people who have been there as I pull myself up and try again.)
Tomorrow is a new day.
I told my friend I was withdrawing from the intensity of our relationship for now- not flat out N.C. but just didn’t want to talk about his “recovery” or issues or anything right now at all and if he did something that was hurtful to me I wasn’t going to pretend it didn’t hurt- and if that meant for him he didn’t want to contact me OK. I wasn’t this flippant about it but the message was “I don’t want to hear about all the ways the psychologist who assessed you for your bazillionth rehab doesn’t understand you, but if you want to send a funny picture of animals doing people things, I won’t block your number, and also I’ll keep on looking after your plants because I love them like children, so obvs, you’ll have call if you ever want custody of them again.”
I straight out said “I won't be initiating any more contact at this point.” So that was clear as day.
Yeah you can all see where this is going.
So a few days go by.
Then his mom, who he’s living with, calls me yesterday (after this hella-weird “I’m not going to talk to you anymore” call) and I send it to voicemail (yay! I didn’t pick up) but then I listened to the voicemail (neutral! Not yay but not a boo yet!) and she’s all like “have you heard from AF (alcoholic friend) because he’s gone missing and I’m worried about him.” So I called back (getting closer to the boo zone) ... Only a two minute talk, nope, haven’t talked to him in days, advised her to call police ASAP if she was worried he was in danger. She texts me a few minutes later that she called them.
A few hours go by and I text “has he turned up?” Answer is no.
So I dial his number. He doesn’t pick up so I leave a “you are loved and at the end of the day I’m here for you no matter what” message.
15 minutes later he shows up on his moms doorstep. She texts me.
I say I’m glad he’s turned up safe.
She’s texted me a few times since then with updates on his condition which I’ve ignored (we literally agreed just over a week ago that we weren’t talking about that anymore...)
But I’m kicking myself for taking the bait and reaching out days after I said I wouldn’t.
50/50 chance he did it deliberately. Alcoholics can be dumb and thoughtless or conniving and manipulative depending on the day. He knows that I would be triggered by him going “missing” (past trauma) especially since his mom was worried that he was feeling suicidal or at a risk for drunken-harm like getting lost in the woods.
So on one hand I was legit worried and couldn’t have lived with myself if he had thrown himself in front of a bus or whatever and all it would have taken is a call.... (even bough in a not panicked state I totally get how that’s taking responsibility for him in an unhealthy way...) ... but on the other hand I took bait to reach out when I said I wouldn’t. And I feel slightly rotten about it, about not sticking to my boundaries.
Wait, is posting on this forum after saying I was awol for the weekend the same? (This is a half joke. No. It’s not. I was going awol to not think about AF and his drama but then I got sucked into his drama llama anyway so now I’m here to admit my “relapse” of sorts and have some virtual hands to hold from people who have been there as I pull myself up and try again.)
Tomorrow is a new day.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
So, I'm replying to you when you clearly stated that you were not going to be posting this weekend so am I enabling you? haha
That aside!
There is another member here, Glenjo (hope you don't mind me telling this bit of your story Glenjo).
His exAB (long story) showed up at his doorstep a few weeks ago. Suitcases in hand, asking if he could stay. The answer was no. ExAB offers him a chocolate easter egg, still no. So the Ex asks him if he can borrow a razor so he can go out in the woods and kill himself.
Now I'm not sure but I think half way through that you would have had him wrapped up in a blanket and be giving him soup. I'm kidding.
My point is, this is not easy. He knows where he can go if he needs help, to his Mom's (which is what he did). Was he manipulating you? Perhaps. Was it a coincidence he showed up at his Mom's place 15 minutes later? Perhaps but that seems unlikely.
All of that is kind of an aside though. Since you told his Mom you weren't talking about this anymore, she shouldn't be contacting you about it and when she does, you would probably be best served by not responding or at the very least not contacting him afterward.
It's all new to you, just keep moving forward and strengthening those boundaries.
That aside!
There is another member here, Glenjo (hope you don't mind me telling this bit of your story Glenjo).
His exAB (long story) showed up at his doorstep a few weeks ago. Suitcases in hand, asking if he could stay. The answer was no. ExAB offers him a chocolate easter egg, still no. So the Ex asks him if he can borrow a razor so he can go out in the woods and kill himself.
Now I'm not sure but I think half way through that you would have had him wrapped up in a blanket and be giving him soup. I'm kidding.
My point is, this is not easy. He knows where he can go if he needs help, to his Mom's (which is what he did). Was he manipulating you? Perhaps. Was it a coincidence he showed up at his Mom's place 15 minutes later? Perhaps but that seems unlikely.
All of that is kind of an aside though. Since you told his Mom you weren't talking about this anymore, she shouldn't be contacting you about it and when she does, you would probably be best served by not responding or at the very least not contacting him afterward.
It's all new to you, just keep moving forward and strengthening those boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by trailmix 
So, I'm replying to you when you clearly stated that you were not going to be posting this weekend so am I enabling you? haha
That aside!
There is another member here, Glenjo (hope you don't mind me telling this bit of your story Glenjo).
His exAB (long story) showed up at his doorstep a few weeks ago. Suitcases in hand, asking if he could stay. The answer was no. ExAB offers him a chocolate easter egg, still no. So the Ex asks him if he can borrow a razor so he can go out in the woods and kill himself.
Now I'm not sure but I think half way through that you would have had him wrapped up in a blanket and be giving him soup. I'm kidding.
My point is, this is not easy. He knows where he can go if he needs help, to his Mom's (which is what he did). Was he manipulating you? Perhaps. Was it a coincidence he showed up at his Mom's place 15 minutes later? Perhaps but that seems unlikely.
All of that is kind of an aside though. Since you told his Mom you weren't talking about this anymore, she shouldn't be contacting you about it and when she does, you would probably be best served by not responding or at the very least not contacting him afterward.
It's all new to you, just keep moving forward and strengthening those boundaries.
That aside!
There is another member here, Glenjo (hope you don't mind me telling this bit of your story Glenjo).
His exAB (long story) showed up at his doorstep a few weeks ago. Suitcases in hand, asking if he could stay. The answer was no. ExAB offers him a chocolate easter egg, still no. So the Ex asks him if he can borrow a razor so he can go out in the woods and kill himself.
Now I'm not sure but I think half way through that you would have had him wrapped up in a blanket and be giving him soup. I'm kidding.
My point is, this is not easy. He knows where he can go if he needs help, to his Mom's (which is what he did). Was he manipulating you? Perhaps. Was it a coincidence he showed up at his Mom's place 15 minutes later? Perhaps but that seems unlikely.
All of that is kind of an aside though. Since you told his Mom you weren't talking about this anymore, she shouldn't be contacting you about it and when she does, you would probably be best served by not responding or at the very least not contacting him afterward.
It's all new to you, just keep moving forward and strengthening those boundaries.
Ah yes the bait. In my situation it is shocking. In fact there's one more piece of bait that I too got hooked into lately but I'm not quite ready to share it just yet but I will when I'm ready.
Not to generalise, but an active alcoholic can be very manipulative. In my case each time he would try to contact me, it was always with a poor me, my life is so crap, can I come live with you and live off your resources type situation all masked with lies. In february he emailed to say he was doing really well, sober and would love to catch up (this was despite my going no contact since Xmas, blocking his number etc). I since found it this was a lie, he was drinking when he sent the email but was one of a few 'hooks' he was using to bait me. After that it was the turning up at my door incident. Bearing in mind he was living with a girl in a nice house but I'm guessing he wasn't being allowed drink there so much but that's another issue.
In heinsight I was doing him no favours being in contact and best thing ever was going No Contact. By allowing them to sort their own stuff out, it's a form of trusting their own guidance system and allowing them to source help if that's what they want. If they don't want it then that's information in itself.
I know it can sound harsh to do this but it's Ultimately not, and I struggle with it at times still. To a regular person looking for help you would take them in an nourish them etc. An active alcoholic, and in my case, a manipulative/abusive one will drag you down if we don't have good boundaries and self care. No point in both people being sick.
Keep going your doing well and posting in here is so helpful.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Saltlamp
50/50 chance he did it deliberately. Alcoholics can be dumb and thoughtless or conniving and manipulative depending on the day. He knows that I would be triggered by him going “missing” (past trauma) especially since his mom was worried that he was feeling suicidal or at a risk for drunken-harm like getting lost in the woods.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
I think many alcoholics get good at reading people because they're used to it.
Since many have to con for money, rides, favors, excuses etc it's in their nature. It's a switch that's not easily turned off. Some have been doing it for so long they don't know any other way.
Also sometimes a third party friend or family sticks by them no matter their behavior-the alcoholic or addict know who their allies are.
Since many have to con for money, rides, favors, excuses etc it's in their nature. It's a switch that's not easily turned off. Some have been doing it for so long they don't know any other way.
Also sometimes a third party friend or family sticks by them no matter their behavior-the alcoholic or addict know who their allies are.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
50/50 chance he did it deliberately.
so you think he took off for a few days knowing that his mother would call you and that then you would worry and that then you would call him? you think he put that much thought time and energy into his actions for the sole goal of getting to you??
trust me, when addicts are out ripping and running they do not take calls from their mother. or anyone else unless that person is offering up booze or drugs. his behavior has everything to do with his addiction, it's driving the bus.
so you think he took off for a few days knowing that his mother would call you and that then you would worry and that then you would call him? you think he put that much thought time and energy into his actions for the sole goal of getting to you??
trust me, when addicts are out ripping and running they do not take calls from their mother. or anyone else unless that person is offering up booze or drugs. his behavior has everything to do with his addiction, it's driving the bus.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by Saltlamp
on the other hand I took bait to reach out when I said I wouldn’t. And I feel slightly rotten about it, about not sticking to my boundaries.
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