struggling with feelings from emotional affair
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
struggling with feelings from emotional affair
Recently got my own place (2 weeks ago). have been with AH 15 years. he started what I would call an alcoholic fueled emotional affair in 2015 via Facebook but it is a real local person from his past. he would not call it an emotional affair (put on your shocked face). I have struggled to deal with this for years. I am devastated and betrayed. Just as much now as the day it happened. he told her he loved her and **** in my brain and heart hasnt been the same since. I love my apartment, I love that he and I are civil to each other, I'm thankful for all the support I have, my friends, al anon. things are good. I feel like its "time" to let it go. it wasn't what made us incapable of living together, that is the alcoholics choices that made us incapable of living together. I just feel like I need more "time" but how much time do I need? we havent talked about it without arguing. we are incapable. I believe it is still ongoing with them. he told a mutual friend I was devastated over his saying I love you to her. um, yes. that was a little validation. However, it didn't help. Nothing helps me feel better about it, put it in the past. I think maybe I want him to understand what he did (does) to me. but If he doesn't understand how alcoholism affects me he will never understand this. I learned In alanon not to expect an amends and I believe its foolish to hope for any amends regarding this painful choice he made.
but it's my next step that I cant articulate. my feelings are my feelings. i respect them and feel them and try to let them go but these feelings wont go. i need a new approach. so, i am writing about it.
I have questions and haven't been able to find peace. when do I move on past feeling the hurt and more importantly, how. it feels irrational to not live with him and still even care about this topic. I'm sick of this topic in my own mind. I'm sick of thinking about it.
I feel like I'm doing pretty good for a chick who has changed almost every aspect of her life in the last 2 weeks. maybe this is one of those things I'm over it when I am over it and I cant rush it. But if he made this decision 4 years ago...I really need to move on emotionally. cuz I sound pathetic.
but it's my next step that I cant articulate. my feelings are my feelings. i respect them and feel them and try to let them go but these feelings wont go. i need a new approach. so, i am writing about it.
I have questions and haven't been able to find peace. when do I move on past feeling the hurt and more importantly, how. it feels irrational to not live with him and still even care about this topic. I'm sick of this topic in my own mind. I'm sick of thinking about it.
I feel like I'm doing pretty good for a chick who has changed almost every aspect of her life in the last 2 weeks. maybe this is one of those things I'm over it when I am over it and I cant rush it. But if he made this decision 4 years ago...I really need to move on emotionally. cuz I sound pathetic.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 61
First off a big good for you. You’ve made big changes and it’s my experience that big changes made from a place of “faith” (I.e. knowing there’s something better but not knowing what that is) lead to big rewards.
And you don’t sound pathetic to me AT ALL! You sound hurt. And big changes flare up the hurt. And it’s OK to be hurt.
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate a bit here- not to argue against your point of view but to provide an additional perspective. There’s an on-your-side point to what I’m about to say, I promise. I am not in any way trying to undercut your instinct on the situation.
That said...
I say “I love you” all the time to my close friends of all genders. I have several really; really close friends and I value the intimacy, intensity and meaningfulness of those friendships.
My husband/forever-partner, with whom I share a child and a home and a life and a retirement savings plan, gets that. He’s not as wordy with his friends and is much more introverted- he’s got a couple that he’s said “the loaded L word” to on occasion but it’s not a weekly thing like it is for me. I say it alllllllthedamntime. Especially when my friends are hurting.
That’s me though. Not everyone shares that value and for each of us, the word “love” has different meaning and connotation.
Why am I being the devil’s advocate here? To suggest, gently- as a possibility and not a judgement-that the reason you’ve fixated on this issue despite saying that “it wasn't what made us incapable of living together” because it seems like the most cut and dry way that he wronged you. The socially sanctioned “one thing” that a lot of people look for/hope for before leaving a marriage.
To be clear, I’m not saying that him doing this wasn’t WRONG or HURTFUL: based on the tiny snippet you shared here it clearly was wrong because even if he REALLY is in the minority population that doesn’t really believe in the concept of “emotional affairs” (and I’m guessing he’s probably not. He’s probably lying/manipulating) it’s wrong to do things that are hurtful to your spouse. End of story.
Alcoholism is so full of lies and half truths and manipulation and awfulness and two-facedness and gaslighting that those of us affected by it learn to second guess all our choices in the relationship. I’m learning that through this forum and my experiences.
So I’m suggesting, gently, that it’s possible that you’re hanging onto this because it’s the “one thing” that you can hold tight to that is cut and dry wrong. I’m suggesting that so *if* that strikes a chord, a small awakening to understanding will help you to begin to release it, and to focus on healing from ALL the stuff, not just the one thing that may seem like the most socially sanctioned thing to be angry/devastated over.
I also- looking at a far ahead if- share my devils-advocate value, which is different from your own (which is OK because we aren’t married!) to suggest that even if he does one make amends, which you have learned not to expect, it’s possible that he won’t apologize for saying “I love you” to a person who isn’t you: so it’s my hope that by sharing an insight into a possible different value that if that happens will help you to “forgive” (by which I mean find peace within yourself even though your husband treated you like trash which you didn’t deserve and wasn’t fair.)
I’m glad for you that you left. I’m glad for you that you’re starting fresh. I hear your pain and you DO NOT sound pathetic.
I hope that by saying this you don’t think I’m against you or judging you for being hurt by what he did- for not loving you as much as you deserved to be loved and for making it seem like another person was more worthy of his love than you especially when you were by his side for so long. That wasn’t OK for him to do.
I’m just saying there was probably lots that it wasn’t OK for him to do, and you’re hurt from all of it, and it’s OK to be hurt from all of it even if the things that hurt aren’t socially sanctioned or make sense to anyone but you.
If none of that strikes a chord it’s completely OK to disregard it. You’re amazing and strong for moving on. (My reason for being here is a friend of mine that I don’t even live with. I don’t think I could survive what you’ve been through. You’re incredible for having the courage and wisdom to move forward.)
And you don’t sound pathetic to me AT ALL! You sound hurt. And big changes flare up the hurt. And it’s OK to be hurt.
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate a bit here- not to argue against your point of view but to provide an additional perspective. There’s an on-your-side point to what I’m about to say, I promise. I am not in any way trying to undercut your instinct on the situation.
That said...
I say “I love you” all the time to my close friends of all genders. I have several really; really close friends and I value the intimacy, intensity and meaningfulness of those friendships.
My husband/forever-partner, with whom I share a child and a home and a life and a retirement savings plan, gets that. He’s not as wordy with his friends and is much more introverted- he’s got a couple that he’s said “the loaded L word” to on occasion but it’s not a weekly thing like it is for me. I say it alllllllthedamntime. Especially when my friends are hurting.
That’s me though. Not everyone shares that value and for each of us, the word “love” has different meaning and connotation.
Why am I being the devil’s advocate here? To suggest, gently- as a possibility and not a judgement-that the reason you’ve fixated on this issue despite saying that “it wasn't what made us incapable of living together” because it seems like the most cut and dry way that he wronged you. The socially sanctioned “one thing” that a lot of people look for/hope for before leaving a marriage.
To be clear, I’m not saying that him doing this wasn’t WRONG or HURTFUL: based on the tiny snippet you shared here it clearly was wrong because even if he REALLY is in the minority population that doesn’t really believe in the concept of “emotional affairs” (and I’m guessing he’s probably not. He’s probably lying/manipulating) it’s wrong to do things that are hurtful to your spouse. End of story.
Alcoholism is so full of lies and half truths and manipulation and awfulness and two-facedness and gaslighting that those of us affected by it learn to second guess all our choices in the relationship. I’m learning that through this forum and my experiences.
So I’m suggesting, gently, that it’s possible that you’re hanging onto this because it’s the “one thing” that you can hold tight to that is cut and dry wrong. I’m suggesting that so *if* that strikes a chord, a small awakening to understanding will help you to begin to release it, and to focus on healing from ALL the stuff, not just the one thing that may seem like the most socially sanctioned thing to be angry/devastated over.
I also- looking at a far ahead if- share my devils-advocate value, which is different from your own (which is OK because we aren’t married!) to suggest that even if he does one make amends, which you have learned not to expect, it’s possible that he won’t apologize for saying “I love you” to a person who isn’t you: so it’s my hope that by sharing an insight into a possible different value that if that happens will help you to “forgive” (by which I mean find peace within yourself even though your husband treated you like trash which you didn’t deserve and wasn’t fair.)
I’m glad for you that you left. I’m glad for you that you’re starting fresh. I hear your pain and you DO NOT sound pathetic.
I hope that by saying this you don’t think I’m against you or judging you for being hurt by what he did- for not loving you as much as you deserved to be loved and for making it seem like another person was more worthy of his love than you especially when you were by his side for so long. That wasn’t OK for him to do.
I’m just saying there was probably lots that it wasn’t OK for him to do, and you’re hurt from all of it, and it’s OK to be hurt from all of it even if the things that hurt aren’t socially sanctioned or make sense to anyone but you.
If none of that strikes a chord it’s completely OK to disregard it. You’re amazing and strong for moving on. (My reason for being here is a friend of mine that I don’t even live with. I don’t think I could survive what you’ve been through. You’re incredible for having the courage and wisdom to move forward.)
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jen…..It sounds to me like you are going through the grieving process....which takes weeks to months, for most people....gradually getting "better" in dribs and drabs....Grieving consists of many different emotions...and this kind of ruminating is not unusual....
However, I think it can be helpful to acknowledge your own emotions, and not be concerned about how you are "supposed" to feel. You feel what you feel....which is neither good or bad...all feelings are real feelings.. (what you do with those feelings are another subject, though)…..
One way of dealing with what you are feeling...rather than stuff them or judge them is this---what I call the wailing-wall exercise. I used this one, years ago, when I was going through a very painful breakup...I was a mess!
Here is how it goes....
Find a very private, isolated place...like the edge of the woods, or a beach, or a vacant lot.....
Pretend that the person/persons that you have tormented feelings about, are seated a few feet in front of you...
Then, express All of your emotions to them...completely without editing them--knowing that it is all between you and the Universe...
Let it all out....scream, cry...say whatever comes to your mind...Pour your heart out....
Do this until you feel exhausted...until your eyes are puffy and your make-up is running down your face...lol....You are safe, because this is between you and the Universe....
You can do this as often as you want or need to...
This exercise helped me a tremendous amount....it seemed to bring things into focus more....and helped me get more clarity and honesty about my true feelings....and, I think it speeded my grieving process along, a lot!
I have often suggested this...because it helped me so much...but, I find that most people are either too afraid to do it or are not motivated (in pain) enough to try it. for the ones that do...it seems to help a lot.....
By the way...I think you have probably, only recently, begun to grieve, full on...since it became very "real" to you....?
So, I say, to give yourself a break from self judgement, because you are adjusting to a lot of changes, just now....
It will bet better, over time....it won't always feel like this....
However, I think it can be helpful to acknowledge your own emotions, and not be concerned about how you are "supposed" to feel. You feel what you feel....which is neither good or bad...all feelings are real feelings.. (what you do with those feelings are another subject, though)…..
One way of dealing with what you are feeling...rather than stuff them or judge them is this---what I call the wailing-wall exercise. I used this one, years ago, when I was going through a very painful breakup...I was a mess!
Here is how it goes....
Find a very private, isolated place...like the edge of the woods, or a beach, or a vacant lot.....
Pretend that the person/persons that you have tormented feelings about, are seated a few feet in front of you...
Then, express All of your emotions to them...completely without editing them--knowing that it is all between you and the Universe...
Let it all out....scream, cry...say whatever comes to your mind...Pour your heart out....
Do this until you feel exhausted...until your eyes are puffy and your make-up is running down your face...lol....You are safe, because this is between you and the Universe....
You can do this as often as you want or need to...
This exercise helped me a tremendous amount....it seemed to bring things into focus more....and helped me get more clarity and honesty about my true feelings....and, I think it speeded my grieving process along, a lot!
I have often suggested this...because it helped me so much...but, I find that most people are either too afraid to do it or are not motivated (in pain) enough to try it. for the ones that do...it seems to help a lot.....
By the way...I think you have probably, only recently, begun to grieve, full on...since it became very "real" to you....?
So, I say, to give yourself a break from self judgement, because you are adjusting to a lot of changes, just now....
It will bet better, over time....it won't always feel like this....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
When affairs of any kind happen, one deals with the IMPACT they have on the injured party first and foremost. The impact can and sounds like it is huge, to the extent of having symptoms of PTSD. Being able to own ones feelings is so important and expressing them also. A person in a relationship should never look to another person to meet their intimate emotional needs or intimate sexual needs but rather turn towards their partner for these. If both parties want to make the relationship work ( and it will be a new relationship, as the one before the affair is dead) it will be about trying to rebuild trust but that's a decision that's totally down to the individuals involved and can include couples therapy.
Sounds like a pretty grim situation your in. I hope writing about it here helps and I've no doubt you will find your inner strength.
Sounds like a pretty grim situation your in. I hope writing about it here helps and I've no doubt you will find your inner strength.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by the1975jen 
I feel like its "time" to let it go. ...Nothing helps me feel better about it, put it in the past. I think maybe I want him to understand what he did (does) to me. but If he doesn't understand how alcoholism affects me he will never understand this....my feelings are my feelings. i respect them and feel them and try to let them go but these feelings wont go.
What will get you there is slowly and gently replacing those thoughts with new ones about where you are going, what you want for your life now. We really don't let go of the past so much as we decide to re-direct our energy toward something new - and in doing so, the weeds of the past are overshadowed by the blossoms of the new and they slowly wither on their own. It sounds like you are indeed looking forward and moving forward. As you honor your feelings along the way, keep your general thoughts going in a forward direction and you'll find that less and less of the past taking up the real estate in your mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by Saltlamp
First off a big good for you. You’ve made big changes and it’s my experience that big changes made from a place of “faith” (I.e. knowing there’s something better but not knowing what that is) lead to big rewards.
And you don’t sound pathetic to me AT ALL! You sound hurt. And big changes flare up the hurt. And it’s OK to be hurt.
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate a bit here- not to argue against your point of view but to provide an additional perspective. There’s an on-your-side point to what I’m about to say, I promise. I am not in any way trying to undercut your instinct on the situation.
That said...
I say “I love you” all the time to my close friends of all genders. I have several really; really close friends and I value the intimacy, intensity and meaningfulness of those friendships.
My husband/forever-partner, with whom I share a child and a home and a life and a retirement savings plan, gets that. He’s not as wordy with his friends and is much more introverted- he’s got a couple that he’s said “the loaded L word” to on occasion but it’s not a weekly thing like it is for me. I say it alllllllthedamntime. Especially when my friends are hurting.
That’s me though. Not everyone shares that value and for each of us, the word “love” has different meaning and connotation.
Why am I being the devil’s advocate here? To suggest, gently- as a possibility and not a judgement-that the reason you’ve fixated on this issue despite saying that “it wasn't what made us incapable of living together” because it seems like the most cut and dry way that he wronged you. The socially sanctioned “one thing” that a lot of people look for/hope for before leaving a marriage.
To be clear, I’m not saying that him doing this wasn’t WRONG or HURTFUL: based on the tiny snippet you shared here it clearly was wrong because even if he REALLY is in the minority population that doesn’t really believe in the concept of “emotional affairs” (and I’m guessing he’s probably not. He’s probably lying/manipulating) it’s wrong to do things that are hurtful to your spouse. End of story.
Alcoholism is so full of lies and half truths and manipulation and awfulness and two-facedness and gaslighting that those of us affected by it learn to second guess all our choices in the relationship. I’m learning that through this forum and my experiences.
So I’m suggesting, gently, that it’s possible that you’re hanging onto this because it’s the “one thing” that you can hold tight to that is cut and dry wrong. I’m suggesting that so *if* that strikes a chord, a small awakening to understanding will help you to begin to release it, and to focus on healing from ALL the stuff, not just the one thing that may seem like the most socially sanctioned thing to be angry/devastated over.
I also- looking at a far ahead if- share my devils-advocate value, which is different from your own (which is OK because we aren’t married!) to suggest that even if he does one make amends, which you have learned not to expect, it’s possible that he won’t apologize for saying “I love you” to a person who isn’t you: so it’s my hope that by sharing an insight into a possible different value that if that happens will help you to “forgive” (by which I mean find peace within yourself even though your husband treated you like trash which you didn’t deserve and wasn’t fair.)
I’m glad for you that you left. I’m glad for you that you’re starting fresh. I hear your pain and you DO NOT sound pathetic.
I hope that by saying this you don’t think I’m against you or judging you for being hurt by what he did- for not loving you as much as you deserved to be loved and for making it seem like another person was more worthy of his love than you especially when you were by his side for so long. That wasn’t OK for him to do.
I’m just saying there was probably lots that it wasn’t OK for him to do, and you’re hurt from all of it, and it’s OK to be hurt from all of it even if the things that hurt aren’t socially sanctioned or make sense to anyone but you.
If none of that strikes a chord it’s completely OK to disregard it. You’re amazing and strong for moving on. (My reason for being here is a friend of mine that I don’t even live with. I don’t think I could survive what you’ve been through. You’re incredible for having the courage and wisdom to move forward.)
And you don’t sound pathetic to me AT ALL! You sound hurt. And big changes flare up the hurt. And it’s OK to be hurt.
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate a bit here- not to argue against your point of view but to provide an additional perspective. There’s an on-your-side point to what I’m about to say, I promise. I am not in any way trying to undercut your instinct on the situation.
That said...
I say “I love you” all the time to my close friends of all genders. I have several really; really close friends and I value the intimacy, intensity and meaningfulness of those friendships.
My husband/forever-partner, with whom I share a child and a home and a life and a retirement savings plan, gets that. He’s not as wordy with his friends and is much more introverted- he’s got a couple that he’s said “the loaded L word” to on occasion but it’s not a weekly thing like it is for me. I say it alllllllthedamntime. Especially when my friends are hurting.
That’s me though. Not everyone shares that value and for each of us, the word “love” has different meaning and connotation.
Why am I being the devil’s advocate here? To suggest, gently- as a possibility and not a judgement-that the reason you’ve fixated on this issue despite saying that “it wasn't what made us incapable of living together” because it seems like the most cut and dry way that he wronged you. The socially sanctioned “one thing” that a lot of people look for/hope for before leaving a marriage.
To be clear, I’m not saying that him doing this wasn’t WRONG or HURTFUL: based on the tiny snippet you shared here it clearly was wrong because even if he REALLY is in the minority population that doesn’t really believe in the concept of “emotional affairs” (and I’m guessing he’s probably not. He’s probably lying/manipulating) it’s wrong to do things that are hurtful to your spouse. End of story.
Alcoholism is so full of lies and half truths and manipulation and awfulness and two-facedness and gaslighting that those of us affected by it learn to second guess all our choices in the relationship. I’m learning that through this forum and my experiences.
So I’m suggesting, gently, that it’s possible that you’re hanging onto this because it’s the “one thing” that you can hold tight to that is cut and dry wrong. I’m suggesting that so *if* that strikes a chord, a small awakening to understanding will help you to begin to release it, and to focus on healing from ALL the stuff, not just the one thing that may seem like the most socially sanctioned thing to be angry/devastated over.
I also- looking at a far ahead if- share my devils-advocate value, which is different from your own (which is OK because we aren’t married!) to suggest that even if he does one make amends, which you have learned not to expect, it’s possible that he won’t apologize for saying “I love you” to a person who isn’t you: so it’s my hope that by sharing an insight into a possible different value that if that happens will help you to “forgive” (by which I mean find peace within yourself even though your husband treated you like trash which you didn’t deserve and wasn’t fair.)
I’m glad for you that you left. I’m glad for you that you’re starting fresh. I hear your pain and you DO NOT sound pathetic.
I hope that by saying this you don’t think I’m against you or judging you for being hurt by what he did- for not loving you as much as you deserved to be loved and for making it seem like another person was more worthy of his love than you especially when you were by his side for so long. That wasn’t OK for him to do.
I’m just saying there was probably lots that it wasn’t OK for him to do, and you’re hurt from all of it, and it’s OK to be hurt from all of it even if the things that hurt aren’t socially sanctioned or make sense to anyone but you.
If none of that strikes a chord it’s completely OK to disregard it. You’re amazing and strong for moving on. (My reason for being here is a friend of mine that I don’t even live with. I don’t think I could survive what you’ve been through. You’re incredible for having the courage and wisdom to move forward.)
maybe it's the cut and dry wrong theory. I do understand what you are saying there. I'm not sure. once we fought about this topic and he threw a beer into our TV. He literally said "look what you made me do" straight out of a lifetime movie. I just have all this hurt and I do not know what to do with it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by dandylion
jen…..It sounds to me like you are going through the grieving process....which takes weeks to months, for most people....gradually getting "better" in dribs and drabs....Grieving consists of many different emotions...and this kind of ruminating is not unusual....
However, I think it can be helpful to acknowledge your own emotions, and not be concerned about how you are "supposed" to feel. You feel what you feel....which is neither good or bad...all feelings are real feelings.. (what you do with those feelings are another subject, though)…..
One way of dealing with what you are feeling...rather than stuff them or judge them is this---what I call the wailing-wall exercise. I used this one, years ago, when I was going through a very painful breakup...I was a mess!
Here is how it goes....
Find a very private, isolated place...like the edge of the woods, or a beach, or a vacant lot.....
Pretend that the person/persons that you have tormented feelings about, are seated a few feet in front of you...
Then, express All of your emotions to them...completely without editing them--knowing that it is all between you and the Universe...
Let it all out....scream, cry...say whatever comes to your mind...Pour your heart out....
Do this until you feel exhausted...until your eyes are puffy and your make-up is running down your face...lol....You are safe, because this is between you and the Universe....
You can do this as often as you want or need to...
This exercise helped me a tremendous amount....it seemed to bring things into focus more....and helped me get more clarity and honesty about my true feelings....and, I think it speeded my grieving process along, a lot!
I have often suggested this...because it helped me so much...but, I find that most people are either too afraid to do it or are not motivated (in pain) enough to try it. for the ones that do...it seems to help a lot.....
By the way...I think you have probably, only recently, begun to grieve, full on...since it became very "real" to you....?
So, I say, to give yourself a break from self judgement, because you are adjusting to a lot of changes, just now....
It will bet better, over time....it won't always feel like this....
However, I think it can be helpful to acknowledge your own emotions, and not be concerned about how you are "supposed" to feel. You feel what you feel....which is neither good or bad...all feelings are real feelings.. (what you do with those feelings are another subject, though)…..
One way of dealing with what you are feeling...rather than stuff them or judge them is this---what I call the wailing-wall exercise. I used this one, years ago, when I was going through a very painful breakup...I was a mess!
Here is how it goes....
Find a very private, isolated place...like the edge of the woods, or a beach, or a vacant lot.....
Pretend that the person/persons that you have tormented feelings about, are seated a few feet in front of you...
Then, express All of your emotions to them...completely without editing them--knowing that it is all between you and the Universe...
Let it all out....scream, cry...say whatever comes to your mind...Pour your heart out....
Do this until you feel exhausted...until your eyes are puffy and your make-up is running down your face...lol....You are safe, because this is between you and the Universe....
You can do this as often as you want or need to...
This exercise helped me a tremendous amount....it seemed to bring things into focus more....and helped me get more clarity and honesty about my true feelings....and, I think it speeded my grieving process along, a lot!
I have often suggested this...because it helped me so much...but, I find that most people are either too afraid to do it or are not motivated (in pain) enough to try it. for the ones that do...it seems to help a lot.....
By the way...I think you have probably, only recently, begun to grieve, full on...since it became very "real" to you....?
So, I say, to give yourself a break from self judgement, because you are adjusting to a lot of changes, just now....
It will bet better, over time....it won't always feel like this....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
When affairs of any kind happen, one deals with the IMPACT they have on the injured party first and foremost. The impact can and sounds like it is huge, to the extent of having symptoms of PTSD. Being able to own ones feelings is so important and expressing them also. A person in a relationship should never look to another person to meet their intimate emotional needs or intimate sexual needs but rather turn towards their partner for these. If both parties want to make the relationship work ( and it will be a new relationship, as the one before the affair is dead) it will be about trying to rebuild trust but that's a decision that's totally down to the individuals involved and can include couples therapy.
Sounds like a pretty grim situation your in. I hope writing about it here helps and I've no doubt you will find your inner strength.
Sounds like a pretty grim situation your in. I hope writing about it here helps and I've no doubt you will find your inner strength.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
We actually cannot decide to put things in the past and we can't let things go - the more we try, the more that stuff sticks to us like glue. We also don't need the other person to understand in order for us to feel better. So, the good news is that all of that effort (in your mind) to let it go, put it in the past and wish he understood - all of that energy, you can free up. It's not going to get you to the peace of mind that you want.
What will get you there is slowly and gently replacing those thoughts with new ones about where you are going, what you want for your life now. We really don't let go of the past so much as we decide to re-direct our energy toward something new - and in doing so, the weeds of the past are overshadowed by the blossoms of the new and they slowly wither on their own. It sounds like you are indeed looking forward and moving forward. As you honor your feelings along the way, keep your general thoughts going in a forward direction and you'll find that less and less of the past taking up the real estate in your mind.
What will get you there is slowly and gently replacing those thoughts with new ones about where you are going, what you want for your life now. We really don't let go of the past so much as we decide to re-direct our energy toward something new - and in doing so, the weeds of the past are overshadowed by the blossoms of the new and they slowly wither on their own. It sounds like you are indeed looking forward and moving forward. As you honor your feelings along the way, keep your general thoughts going in a forward direction and you'll find that less and less of the past taking up the real estate in your mind.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hi Jen
congratulations on YOUR new space
I moved out of my house just over a year ago. I have been with my husband for 18 years. A few months after I moved out I got ill and had 2 major surgeries. At the same time my husband started an alcohol fueled affair with another woman. My feelings of betrayal and abandonment were HUGE.
I believe I have been grieving. It comes in waves. I have good periods and then very, very low times. I have not been able to shake the feeling of betrayal until.....
Last week I saw my husband in our van with one of our kids and the other woman. The betrayal I felt was an actual physical pain. I want to move on from this feeling as living in a small town I see them all the time. So I did some very focused work and found that what I was feeling was jealousy.
Now this is not an easy emotion to own. But I have owned it and acknowledged it and really, really felt it. I started off by saying it to myself in the mirror "I am really jealous" It wasn't pleasant at first but it has totally liberated me. I have completely embraced it. It makes so much sense that I'm jealous. In my shoes, who wouldn't be? I have been telling everyone I talk to that I am really, really jealous of my husband's girlfriend. And amazingly, it has stopped hurting so much.
I had a meeting with my husband today (I needed to pick up some stuff from the house) and I even found myself telling him, I'm really jealous of your girlfriend. But I feel so much better. I feel like a huge weight has lifted. I wonder if I have been in denial about my jealousy and hiding behind my hurt and devastation.
I am in no way suggesting that you are jealous but you could try to really look deeply beyond the hurt and see if you can identify any other feelings. Finding those feelings lurking in the background and allowing yourself to be brave enough to feel them may help you get unstuck.
congratulations on YOUR new space
I moved out of my house just over a year ago. I have been with my husband for 18 years. A few months after I moved out I got ill and had 2 major surgeries. At the same time my husband started an alcohol fueled affair with another woman. My feelings of betrayal and abandonment were HUGE.
I believe I have been grieving. It comes in waves. I have good periods and then very, very low times. I have not been able to shake the feeling of betrayal until.....
Last week I saw my husband in our van with one of our kids and the other woman. The betrayal I felt was an actual physical pain. I want to move on from this feeling as living in a small town I see them all the time. So I did some very focused work and found that what I was feeling was jealousy.
Now this is not an easy emotion to own. But I have owned it and acknowledged it and really, really felt it. I started off by saying it to myself in the mirror "I am really jealous" It wasn't pleasant at first but it has totally liberated me. I have completely embraced it. It makes so much sense that I'm jealous. In my shoes, who wouldn't be? I have been telling everyone I talk to that I am really, really jealous of my husband's girlfriend. And amazingly, it has stopped hurting so much.
I had a meeting with my husband today (I needed to pick up some stuff from the house) and I even found myself telling him, I'm really jealous of your girlfriend. But I feel so much better. I feel like a huge weight has lifted. I wonder if I have been in denial about my jealousy and hiding behind my hurt and devastation.
I am in no way suggesting that you are jealous but you could try to really look deeply beyond the hurt and see if you can identify any other feelings. Finding those feelings lurking in the background and allowing yourself to be brave enough to feel them may help you get unstuck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I do agree with you though that people can love other people besides their SO in different ways and even the sex talk doesnt bother me as much as the emotional connection they have. I need to accept it or just never go back to him because he refuses to end it. And I already know I wont go back while he's actively drinking.
if i interpret the above correctly, altho you have separated, moved out and secured your own space, you are not DONE with your AH yet. you still harbor notions of possibly getting back together...................IF
i think that explains most of why this ongoing affair bothers you. because it's ongoing. he has been and continues to be involved with another woman who is not you. so this is NOT something that was in the past, four years ago, this is a NOW thing.
he won't quit drinking and he won't quit cheating. those appear to be the facts. were you perhaps hoping that once you moved out he'd see the light? transform? give up his wicked ways and come to you, flinging himself prostrate at your feet?
we can find ourselves playing the "chase me" game....i'm "leaving" but only far enough that you can still catch me.
i guess take a good hard look at this man - his actions over time, his abuse, violence and disrespect. and ask why you would leave a door slightly ajar to let someone like him in?
if i interpret the above correctly, altho you have separated, moved out and secured your own space, you are not DONE with your AH yet. you still harbor notions of possibly getting back together...................IF
i think that explains most of why this ongoing affair bothers you. because it's ongoing. he has been and continues to be involved with another woman who is not you. so this is NOT something that was in the past, four years ago, this is a NOW thing.
he won't quit drinking and he won't quit cheating. those appear to be the facts. were you perhaps hoping that once you moved out he'd see the light? transform? give up his wicked ways and come to you, flinging himself prostrate at your feet?
we can find ourselves playing the "chase me" game....i'm "leaving" but only far enough that you can still catch me.
i guess take a good hard look at this man - his actions over time, his abuse, violence and disrespect. and ask why you would leave a door slightly ajar to let someone like him in?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
My XAH had emotional affairs throughout our marriage. We have been divorced since last August. Time will heal. I have had so many emotions and can finally say that the past few months, I don’t think about him or even care what he has done anymore. I have learned a lot from that relationship and am so much happier and you will be too with time. Hang in there.
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