150 days
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 125
150 days
Today is 150 for me. Looking back I had very few cravings the first month because I was still so horrified by my behavior and I was hell bent on never drinking again. Then cravings did start to hit and it was like I was in this place of pure misery when I was put in the spot of making that choice. All of this I did to myself. I think the misery came because in those few minutes of deciding what to order to drink or whether to go to the bar, my head was running through everything I had to lose and all the horrible mornings of regret and reliving what I can barely remember but I know was not who I really am but I somehow did.
Then I went through a stage of pure I DON’T DRINK so it wasn’t even a question. I became queen of pellegrino and lime. And the few times I almost gave in, something was put in my face like having a big presentation or being given a big opportunity that i convinced myself kharma would f up for me if I drank anything. Maybe I’m crazier sober. Haha
so here i am at day 150. It’s Final Four weekend and one of my teams made it. That would typically mean drinking and watching the games with friends. But as luck would have it I have a HUGE meeting Tuesday with a C-level guy and I’m scared to death I’m going to f it up if I drink. So I’m being saved again by fear. I don’t know if this is healthy or not but it’s making it easier for me to stay home tonight and not drink.
I feel a bit bit crazy writing this but perhaps someone else is operating in this space. Right or wrong it’s keeping me sober right now.
so I should be super happy about 150 days but I’m stressing about a work thing. And I’m telling myself to just stay in this space and feel the stress whereas in the past I’ve wanted to numb it. Hope that means I’m growing sober muscles.
Then I went through a stage of pure I DON’T DRINK so it wasn’t even a question. I became queen of pellegrino and lime. And the few times I almost gave in, something was put in my face like having a big presentation or being given a big opportunity that i convinced myself kharma would f up for me if I drank anything. Maybe I’m crazier sober. Haha
so here i am at day 150. It’s Final Four weekend and one of my teams made it. That would typically mean drinking and watching the games with friends. But as luck would have it I have a HUGE meeting Tuesday with a C-level guy and I’m scared to death I’m going to f it up if I drink. So I’m being saved again by fear. I don’t know if this is healthy or not but it’s making it easier for me to stay home tonight and not drink.
I feel a bit bit crazy writing this but perhaps someone else is operating in this space. Right or wrong it’s keeping me sober right now.
so I should be super happy about 150 days but I’m stressing about a work thing. And I’m telling myself to just stay in this space and feel the stress whereas in the past I’ve wanted to numb it. Hope that means I’m growing sober muscles.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Hi Serenity,
I can relate to the fear aspect of sobriety. Before my most recent sobriety (just shy of two years) I had relapsed in my two previous attempts. I'm not sure if you're aware of kindling but it's the phenomenon whereby with each relapse everything becomes worse than before. The drinking, hangovers, withdrawals all become worse.
When I sobered up two years ago the detox was pure hell. After weathering the storm I told myself that I would likely die if I started drinking again. I was "lucky" not to have cravings because the thought of drinking was too terrifying to me.
At the same time I knew that memories would fade and the AV would start whispering sweet nothings in my ear again. I decided that this time I would really work a program of recovery as opposed to before where I was half-assing it. Now that I'm happy in sobriety it's my program that keeps me sober and not fear.
A fear based abstinence model doesn't work in the long term. However I believe you can use fear as training wheels while putting together a solid plan of recovery.
I can relate to the fear aspect of sobriety. Before my most recent sobriety (just shy of two years) I had relapsed in my two previous attempts. I'm not sure if you're aware of kindling but it's the phenomenon whereby with each relapse everything becomes worse than before. The drinking, hangovers, withdrawals all become worse.
When I sobered up two years ago the detox was pure hell. After weathering the storm I told myself that I would likely die if I started drinking again. I was "lucky" not to have cravings because the thought of drinking was too terrifying to me.
At the same time I knew that memories would fade and the AV would start whispering sweet nothings in my ear again. I decided that this time I would really work a program of recovery as opposed to before where I was half-assing it. Now that I'm happy in sobriety it's my program that keeps me sober and not fear.
A fear based abstinence model doesn't work in the long term. However I believe you can use fear as training wheels while putting together a solid plan of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 961
Congrats Serenity! Your 150 days is an inspiration to me (95 days) to keep going. I want to see what 5 months feels like rather than give in to an urge and an impulse. Life sometimes presents its challenges. I used to cope by turning to booze (especially when I didn't want to feel the negative stuff). So, I feel like a kid learning to ride a bike with training wheels now. But it's better than repeating a maddening habit.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: sydney nsw
Posts: 785
Congrats same day here 150. Fear is a feeling and emotion that is one of many we will have to phase sober some time. Alcohol certainly would not help. You can over come this and will be super proud once you have 👍❤️👏
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