Amanda05

Need some connection as I feel so alone and scared. Since being here last I have been living the months controlling my drinking. I have been running the house , working and caring for my kids still but I am so empty of life.

I live to drink/drink to live and like I have read so many times it’s progressively getting worse as the 3 or 4 evenings that I use to try not to drink have gone.

I think about drink all day, where to buy it from, what to buy, how much to buy. I give myself the ok to drink as I think it will help me get through my evening and do what I need to do.

I feel possessed with this illness and I literally feel like I am dying with the physical and mental pain.

I drank yesterday evening and woke with the usual shame. I do not want to drink today and I want to share with you guys that I will be going to bed early with my children tonight and will not go out and buy alcohol.

I have to start changing this crazy life I am living not only for me but also my children. I am tired of beating myself up and hearing the voice in my head telling me I am a failure and worthless. I just wish I could get my brain reprogrammed to rid me of this illness. Thanks for reading

biminiblue

Welcome back Amanda.

That voice of doom, despair, and obsession is familiar to all of us who become/became problem drinkers. It's a horrible drug.

It gets better. Stick with us!

lessgravity

I feel your pain. As someone who was a single father for most of my son's life, and a drunk father at that, I can relate to the pain and suffering you are going through. But there is a better life for you and your family. And it's right in front of you. You need to accept, forever, that you can never drink again. That you must give it up. Like an abusive spouse, it's done nothing for you - regardless of the promises it made in the beginning. However you get there - AA, other methods, one day at a time etc - until you work on permanent sobriety, life will just be an endless horrifying and worsening cycle of shame and regret.

It's clear you want that better life. But you need to do the work Welcome back. What's the plan?
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Anna

Amanda, it's horrible to be in the clutches of this disease and to have it take over your mind. I was totally exhausted when I finally stopped drinking. I think the way to healing is to get through this day without alcohol and to be kind to yourself. It will be hard, but you can do hard things. And, tomorrow you will feel so much better about yourself.

Fearlessat50

Hi Amanda, welcome back. I have been where you are. It is such a lonely, sad place to be. Whatever is going on in your life, the alcohol will make depression so much worse. It is a chemical depressant. You will not fully recognize this until you have quit drinking. Then you will look back and it will be so clear to you. Even when life is difficult, it is a lot easier without alcohol. I have confidence now that I can handle tough problems being sober. The natural highs in sobriety are so much better than the false highs in drinking. The lows we have naturally in life are much less intense and of shorter duration than the low from alcohol.

Have you thought about other support such as AA, Smart Recovery or therapy? Many of us here need/ use multiple support systems. I did weekly therapy for the first year. I still practice yoga, meditation, exercise, gratitude, and now I do a lot of art therapy too. There are so many resources and ways to get and stay sober!

ConfusedGuy

Im also on first day - people here are telling me to just keep posting and staying logged in. Knowing you are not alone with this feels so important. I made a plan for the next few days (as was suggested) and trying to get some limited rest, and when the craving to drink does come back to have some defence. Im also reading lots of posts on this forum. You can pull through today!

Midwest1981

Welcome back Amanda.

Broncosys

Amanda and ConfusedGuy - pay attention to how you felt this morning when you woke up and for the next several hours. You NEVER have to feel like that again. Ever. You are free now. It takes so much out of us when we drink and it is so much easier to be sober. We have so many more hours in the day to fill as we wish. Sleep is always an issue at first but please don't fret about that. Tired but clear headed and grateful is so much better than sick after waking from a booze coma. Stay with it you two and good luck today and everyone is happy to have you on this thread.

ChloeRose63

Glad that you are back and here for support. Just don't drink today. Think about how you want your sober life to be and get there one day at a time. You know that drinking gets you into a dark place. Stop digging! Today is a new day. Today you just don't drink.

CRRHCC

At the risk of sounding to corny: Values and purpose are the main navigational tools in life. I should know, I spent over 4 decades making drugs and alcohol my values and purpose before I chose more healthy values and purpose.
When I repetitively perform a substitute action (drinking) to try to manage overwhelming emotions or feeling of helplessness, this compulsive behavior (quick fix or mood changer) is called an addiction. But there's always something we can do at these overwhelming moments that is more direct! ( even if not perfect). I find that when I take a direct healthy action, that is of high value to me, the addictive urge almost always vanishes! This sounds like magic but it makes sense because having acted more directly, I no longer need a substitute behavior! "You are a new creation." 2 Corinthians 5:17.

When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction.

kinzoku

Welcome back!

Amanda05

Thank you all so much for your strength and support. Made me cry reading your posts as I don’t talk to anyone anymore about my drinking so I am alone with it. I did go to AA last year for about 5 months but I hated it ( I did like it at times as I felt safe) but I could also see how a lot of alcoholics were now living without alcohol. I felt like I didn’t fit in, not regarding the alcohol part but me as a person, I felt like the black sheep in the meetings if that makes sense. I think I was waiting for something amazing to happen or click in my brain that told me, that’s it you have arrived to start the journey. Crazy brain

MindfulMan

I hate the word "values." Vague, nebulous and judgmental. Just like I hate "personality defects."

Addiction made me take actions that kept me in addiction. Once I made the decision to stop drinking entirely, the "values" and "purpose" mostly just fell into place. I didn't really have to define them.

Self-care and self-compassion were huge in my sobriety. I tried the 4th Step as practiced in AA with a sponsor and it took me to a very dark place. Doing a modified version with a trained and empathetic therapist worked much better for me.

However you do it, I think the operative idea is that nearly everyone needs help and a plan. But the first step is to resolve never to drink again, under any circumstances. Once I truly made that decision, the rest flowed very naturally, as did the rest of my life. You can use AVRT and do the Big Plan, or make that choice and decide to do 12 Step, or a spiritual mindfulness practice, or whatever path you choose. But at some point if you don't resolve to stop putting that glass to your mouth, the rest doesn't matter.

I also found honestly playing the tape in my head to the end of what happens with just one sip of alcohol was very useful. Not in a judgmental way at all. It's just a fact. I ended up in rehab, and the only way to assure that would not happen again was to never drink again. The more time you spend in sobriety the better you feel, so it gets easier to keep sticking to the choice not to drink.

Day 1 is the hardest. Cravings ebb and flow, but the trend is that they become less frequent. Just have that resolve that you are no longer a drinker and drinking is never an option. Ever. Not at a wedding, not when you're feeling lonely, not when you're at a bachelor party. There is no "well it's OK in this situation." I found it easier to just say no. Trying to moderate is its own form of hell, and simply doesn't work once you pass a certain point.

August252015

Yes! Amanda, so glad you are here.

You can do this.

Hevyn

I'm so glad to see you back, Amanda. This is a great place to talk things over with those who understand. We're here to encourage you as you reclaim your life. You can do it!

ConfusedGuy

Amnda - I think it is 20:45 in UK ? Wishing you well for your day 1. It's 22:45 here and tomorrow I get 1 day also! It's tough today but it's good to see other people also pulling through.

Offthemast

I like this. Thank you. In fact I love it.

Been praying on Galatians 2:20 and thinking about how we must believe that we are dead to sin and raised to new life in Christ.

When I want to live as a drunk I have to be reminded that that is no longer who I am.

I know Newcomers is a secular board, so I will say that I know what I just said is not for everyone at the moment.

Offthemast

I also don't see how it is helpful to crap on others ideas yet certain other ideas are beyond reproach.

Amanda05

Thank you.... and wishing you well too. It’s amazing how supported I feel already from the posts I have received and knowing I am not alone with this.

saoutchik

Good luck Amanda and don't worry about the AA thing, though great for many, it does not suit everyone. Perhaps you could look on SR for some tips on creating a recovery plan. I know Dee is always stressing the importance of them.