Troubledone

I have enjoyed the last two weeks with my addict living in a supportive living environment. And, as I work on my own shortcomings, I have realized that most of the trouble I have caused myself is due to my confusion about the difference between Compassion / Charity vs. Enabling.

There are a lot of good rules in 12 step programs for avoiding this, like "MYOB - Mind your own business" and "hands off the addict", but since my addict's situation is also complicated by mental illness, trauma and early childhood abuse, I've still gotten confused some times. And, while those rules really do work, I've struggled to understand what is behind them.

So, after doing some inner work and realizing I was harboring a lot of old resentment, and how my lack of forgiveness for my addict and myself have perpetuated my confusion and stuckness, I started making a list of the difference between compassion and enabling.

I thought I'd share a little of what I was thinking and see if anyone has additional insight or experience that could add to my understanding.

So here is the beginning of my thoughts so far:

Enabling seems to always be fueled by fear - mostly the fear of what is happening and what will happen in the future. Fear, anxiety, judgement, desire to control, etc.

Compassion, however, always seems to have an element of peace about it. When I do something from compassion (even if it is hard), it seems simply right,

Enabling always seems to be attached to some outcome I hope to create or avoid by taking responsibility for problem solving for another person.

Compassion seems to me to be more about being supportive of someone as they do their best to work out their own problems.

Enabling always seems to have some element of un-truth, hidden information, denial or confusion.

Compassion always seems to be what arises in the light of day - something I can do when I have the relevant information and the path seems clear.

Enabling always seems like I'm reaching across an abyss toward a relationship with someone who is somehow really not available and bent on something beyond our relationship.

Compassion always seems like a relationship - if not with the person, then with my Higher Power.

I would be interested to know what others think about the difference.

The hardest part of leaving codependency behind for me has been realizing that some of the most kind acts I can do are those that others might see as strict or uncaring. But really are the most caring because they support the addicts awareness and recovery.

Looking forward to others' insights

Ann

Enabling is doing for them what they can and should be doing for themselves. Often it fuels the fire of addiction. Paying their rent for them (even directly to the landlord) frees up their money for drug use. I once (compassionately) bought groceries for my son and he managed to sell even that to gt money for drugs.

I think compassion is cheering them on to do for themselves what they are able to do and need to do to learn and grow. And perhaps helping them find support and resources for those things they cannot do for themselves. Compassion will not buy their drugs.

It's a fine line, I suppose more defined by our motives combined with how it is received at the other end.

The following is perhaps a little clearer. Good topic, it's been a confusing issue for as long as I can remember.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/compa...ng-gina-soleil

NWDad

A recovering lady named Tiffany Jenkins has a great video on this. I can try to look for it. She says, when you enable someone, pick up the pieces for someone, you're not doing it to help them. You're doing it to help you. If your addicted loved one is happy with you, you are likely enabling them. If they are angry and cussing you, you are likely trying to save their life. We must ask ourselves if we'd rather be cussed out or be forced to bury that person.

Troubledone

NWDad - THANK YOU!

I googled Tiffany Jenkins and found her You Tube video
"If there is ANY chance you are currently enabling an ADDICT, please watch this."

OMG - everyone on this site should go look at that video. She says so much in a short video. I thought "gee, this is an answer to so many of the recent posts I've viewed - direct from and addicts mouth!"

All - if you haven't seen it - Google it - You'll be glad you did.

Thanks NWDad!

hopeful4

Great post!

FallenAngelina

I'm coming to believe that everyones' addict's situation is complicated by mental illness, trauma and early childhood abuse. Addiction doesn't come out of thin air, it comes out of these experiences.
Just a thought.