Dealing with old acquaintances who think you’re a drunk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
Dealing with old acquaintances who think you’re a drunk
A little over 90 days sober. I haven’t craved drinking but a few times, and it passed. I have had more issue with dealing with emotional fallout of sobriety.
Putting this out there, looking for advice.
Recently, I’ve had to have interactions with neighbors who used to see me only when I was drunk. Not a good impression I know. Totally understandable they would want nothing to do with me.
We have a business, neighbor dropped off contract/money in mailbox for even though I was home. Really hurt my feelings. They dislike me so much they won’t engage in conversation with me. Really hurt my feelings, but I understand. They don’t know I’m sober.
Looking for advice on dealing with this kind of situation. I can’t fix those interactions, and I’m not yelling from a bull horn about my sobriety. They can be hurtful at times and just looking for how to cope, or process it going forward. They are cliquey — it won’t get better on their end.
Putting this out there, looking for advice.
Recently, I’ve had to have interactions with neighbors who used to see me only when I was drunk. Not a good impression I know. Totally understandable they would want nothing to do with me.
We have a business, neighbor dropped off contract/money in mailbox for even though I was home. Really hurt my feelings. They dislike me so much they won’t engage in conversation with me. Really hurt my feelings, but I understand. They don’t know I’m sober.
Looking for advice on dealing with this kind of situation. I can’t fix those interactions, and I’m not yelling from a bull horn about my sobriety. They can be hurtful at times and just looking for how to cope, or process it going forward. They are cliquey — it won’t get better on their end.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New England
Posts: 1,224
Smile. Be seen doing normal every day things. Go for walks in your neighborhood at peak hours. Smile and wave. Be out in the yard. Be seen.
If they've only ever seen you drunk they can only assume you still are. It's up to you to allow people to see you for who you are.
How bout reach out to the person who left the payment by phone or email or written letter thanking them for their business and inquiring about their satisfaction with your service?
If they've only ever seen you drunk they can only assume you still are. It's up to you to allow people to see you for who you are.
How bout reach out to the person who left the payment by phone or email or written letter thanking them for their business and inquiring about their satisfaction with your service?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 64
I am going through the same thing ATM too. I live in a block of 10 flats Apartments and I am the youngest here . They too are very cliquey. And have seen me drunk numerous times . And do you know what ? I don’t care! I see it as well they are the saddos that are mean and have nothing better to do than gossip about me drinking . They don’t take into consideration that I am only 22. And they are like in their 50s.
Me me personally I don’t give a **** . I hold my head up high and live my life .
They are are the ones with the problem not me or you.
it doesn’t take much to ask how someone is feeling or doing
no no one is perfect we all have faults we are human just hold your head up high with pride that you are sober and it’s none of there business.
sorry for the rant i am going through the same . I’m 10 days sober again! Just focus on your sobriety not them dounuts lol x
Me me personally I don’t give a **** . I hold my head up high and live my life .
They are are the ones with the problem not me or you.
it doesn’t take much to ask how someone is feeling or doing
no no one is perfect we all have faults we are human just hold your head up high with pride that you are sober and it’s none of there business.
sorry for the rant i am going through the same . I’m 10 days sober again! Just focus on your sobriety not them dounuts lol x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
My worst drinking is usually done alone. Besides some close friends/exes, most people I know never saw me at my worst. Neighbors and everyone else, don't matter. They are strangers so I don't really care if they see me drunk. Just avoid them, they don't know you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Suzieq17 
Recently, I’ve had to have interactions with neighbors who used to see me only when I was drunk. Not a good impression I know. Totally understandable they would want nothing to do with me.
They are cliquey — it won’t get better on their end.
it might get better. you can always make amends. that isnt saying youre sorry for the way you were. its saying why you werent right, how you should have been, what youve done to change, and what you are doing now. the rest is on them.
people had no reason to believe i had changed. they had to SEE and HEAR it-my actions and words showed i wasnt who i used to be. until then, i didnt blame them for the way the acted towards me- i knew how i was who i was when i was a drunk.
i was quite cliquey myself when i was a drunk. i sure as hell wouldnt hang with people that werent drunks.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you are here and 90 days is awesome!
For me....I'd let them be. I couldn't do anything about folks who didn't want to get to know me, as I got sober, and fortunately that wasn't a big number - mainly because I didn't associate w anyone who used to see me drunk. Mainly because they were drinkers too.
My path was to put my sobriety first, realize that action (not intention) was what people would (and needed) to see, and then gradually approach folks I hoped to have in my circle.
Glad you are here!
For me....I'd let them be. I couldn't do anything about folks who didn't want to get to know me, as I got sober, and fortunately that wasn't a big number - mainly because I didn't associate w anyone who used to see me drunk. Mainly because they were drinkers too.
My path was to put my sobriety first, realize that action (not intention) was what people would (and needed) to see, and then gradually approach folks I hoped to have in my circle.
Glad you are here!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
suz,
I don't care what people think when they think bad. I search for the good. Good is like gold, but it is found everywhere.
I make it my daily plan to search for the good. When I find bad, I get away. Sometimes the bad sucks me in. I find this mostly while driving. Nice folks can morph while driving.
Yesterday, this guy saw me coming up fast. He quickly, abruptly, changed lanes and then passed the car the right. I tried to be patient and let him pass. But, If I backed off his tail, he slowed down.
The only way I could keep him moving was to keep pushing towards his rear bumper. It totally frustrated me.
When he finally passed the guy, he acted like he wasn't going to move over, until he saw I was about to pass on the right. Then he abruptly moved into the right lane.
As I passed on his left, he acted like he was going to come back into the lane...run me off the road. I was going around 80 mph. I honked my horn and braced for impact.
Thankfully, he didn't run into me. As I passed him I look over to see this little man that could barely see over the steering wheel.
Anyway, I am sure he was a nice man in real life, but behind the wheel he is an accident waiting to happen.
I swear to God I was trying to be patient. He was being a road bully.
Anyway, I search for the good.
Thanks.
I don't care what people think when they think bad. I search for the good. Good is like gold, but it is found everywhere.
I make it my daily plan to search for the good. When I find bad, I get away. Sometimes the bad sucks me in. I find this mostly while driving. Nice folks can morph while driving.
Yesterday, this guy saw me coming up fast. He quickly, abruptly, changed lanes and then passed the car the right. I tried to be patient and let him pass. But, If I backed off his tail, he slowed down.
The only way I could keep him moving was to keep pushing towards his rear bumper. It totally frustrated me.
When he finally passed the guy, he acted like he wasn't going to move over, until he saw I was about to pass on the right. Then he abruptly moved into the right lane.
As I passed on his left, he acted like he was going to come back into the lane...run me off the road. I was going around 80 mph. I honked my horn and braced for impact.
Thankfully, he didn't run into me. As I passed him I look over to see this little man that could barely see over the steering wheel.
Anyway, I am sure he was a nice man in real life, but behind the wheel he is an accident waiting to happen.
I swear to God I was trying to be patient. He was being a road bully.
Anyway, I search for the good.
Thanks.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,807
I understand what you are going through. I had the same struggles early on. Gradually most people came around, but it took time. Others have not, or never will. I can't control what they think of me, all I can do is keep showing up in life sober. It doesn't hurt like it used to. I know the truth of who I am now, and that's what matters.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
Thanks for the responses. I have to learn to let it go, continue in my sobriety and all will fall into place. Sometimes it really hurts in the moment.
I haven’t posted lately. It’s so nice to know that when I do, you all show up for support. It means so much.
I haven’t posted lately. It’s so nice to know that when I do, you all show up for support. It means so much.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it could be as simple as they did not KNOW you were home - unless you standing on the porch doing jumping jacks - and for ease, used the mailbox to drop off the work related stuff.
not every action another person takes is aimed AT US. we tend to personalize any slight, or perceived slight. our alcoholic brain WANTS that, it feeds on that stuff. something else to toss into the slowcooker of resentments.
not every action another person takes is aimed AT US. we tend to personalize any slight, or perceived slight. our alcoholic brain WANTS that, it feeds on that stuff. something else to toss into the slowcooker of resentments.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,807
I spent a good year being really hurt (like to the point of crying over it) that someone I had considered a good friend seemed to suddenly hate me (it started right before I got sober) and I had no idea why. It was awful, because I still ran into her fairly often in our small town and we have many mutual friends. I still don't know exactly what caused it, but I believe my general behavior when I was drinking didn't exactly help. I may have said something some night when we were drinking that I don't remember, or she just got fed up. She would not even speak to me so I never could ask. Anyway, after I really found my sober feet, it stopped bothering me that she still seemed to hate me. I knew I was in a good place, and that was all that mattered. Fast-forward to last weekend, when my man friend and I ran into her husband and her while we were shopping in another town. Lo and behold, SHE invited us to join them for lunch, and we had a very nice time. It's been almost 5 years since we were friends. Still don't know what the problem ever was - maybe someday I'll find out.
The point of this whole little story is - some people might take longer to come around than others. Some maybe never will. But the pain of their "ghosting" you probably won't last. You do you, sober, and let things happen as they will.
The point of this whole little story is - some people might take longer to come around than others. Some maybe never will. But the pain of their "ghosting" you probably won't last. You do you, sober, and let things happen as they will.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
on a side note(and if youre in the U.S.):
The U.S. Postal Service would like to warn people that only authorized U.S. Postal Service delivery personnel are allowed to place items in a mailbox. By law, a mailbox is intended only for receipt of postage-paid U.S. Mail.
https://about.usps.com/news/state-re..._2010_0909.htm
The U.S. Postal Service would like to warn people that only authorized U.S. Postal Service delivery personnel are allowed to place items in a mailbox. By law, a mailbox is intended only for receipt of postage-paid U.S. Mail.
https://about.usps.com/news/state-re..._2010_0909.htm
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I do know what you mean. For me, if I've done something that I need to make right, I do. If I haven't I try to let it go. I've been a drunk dumb azz, well, yeah. There is that. I'm a sober dumb azz now.
I spent a whole lot of my life (and I still do this depending on the situation and the people ) worrying about what other people think. Being responsible for their feelings. Personalizing everything. Oh god that is no way to live. No wonder I'm a drunk.
There is incredible freedom in realizing that all that worry, all that fear, is completely useless and is a **** poor way to relate to the world. And its incredibly freeing to realize just how insignificant I actually am to 99.999999 % of everyone around me. They are all too concerned with themselves, being concerned about what others think and trying to please everyone. Haha. We're all a bunch of scaredy cats.
If something is eating at you that you own, when you're ready, face it. If not, let it go.
I spent a whole lot of my life (and I still do this depending on the situation and the people ) worrying about what other people think. Being responsible for their feelings. Personalizing everything. Oh god that is no way to live. No wonder I'm a drunk.
There is incredible freedom in realizing that all that worry, all that fear, is completely useless and is a **** poor way to relate to the world. And its incredibly freeing to realize just how insignificant I actually am to 99.999999 % of everyone around me. They are all too concerned with themselves, being concerned about what others think and trying to please everyone. Haha. We're all a bunch of scaredy cats.
If something is eating at you that you own, when you're ready, face it. If not, let it go.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
This was something I struggled with in the beginning until I had learned to forgive myself. Forgiving others was hard for me at first, forgiving myself proved more difficult.
There are irreparable relationships as a result of who I was in a previous life. My first instinct was to prove myself and do whatever it took to mend broken fences. Crawl over broken glass? No problem! But that type of mentality does you no good. What is the point of beating yourself up over somebody who does not want you around anymore?
I will always treasure the memories I've made with the people who are no longer part of my life story. At the same time I'm going to continue to love myself and respect myself because I'm worthy of love and respect.
There are irreparable relationships as a result of who I was in a previous life. My first instinct was to prove myself and do whatever it took to mend broken fences. Crawl over broken glass? No problem! But that type of mentality does you no good. What is the point of beating yourself up over somebody who does not want you around anymore?
I will always treasure the memories I've made with the people who are no longer part of my life story. At the same time I'm going to continue to love myself and respect myself because I'm worthy of love and respect.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1,535
Although I understand where you’re coming from I say, let them think what they want and continue doing so if they wish, only to find out one day (as they are bound to, sooner or later) that you have sobered up and stuck to it for some time already.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Hollydoll
I am going through the same thing ATM too. I live in a block of 10 flats Apartments and I am the youngest here . They too are very cliquey. And have seen me drunk numerous times . And do you know what ? I don’t care! I see it as well they are the saddos that are mean and have nothing better to do than gossip about me drinking . They don’t take into consideration that I am only 22. And they are like in their 50s.
Me me personally I don’t give a **** . I hold my head up high and live my life .
They are are the ones with the problem not me or you.
it doesn’t take much to ask how someone is feeling or doing
no no one is perfect we all have faults we are human just hold your head up high with pride that you are sober and it’s none of there business.
sorry for the rant i am going through the same . I’m 10 days sober again! Just focus on your sobriety not them dounuts lol x
Me me personally I don’t give a **** . I hold my head up high and live my life .
They are are the ones with the problem not me or you.
it doesn’t take much to ask how someone is feeling or doing
no no one is perfect we all have faults we are human just hold your head up high with pride that you are sober and it’s none of there business.
sorry for the rant i am going through the same . I’m 10 days sober again! Just focus on your sobriety not them dounuts lol x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Hi Suzie
I'm sorry - I still have people on the periphery of my life (friends of friends etc) who assume I'm still a drunk.
It does hurt - especially in the early days - but I think it says way more about them that it does about me...or you
I admire the growth in some of the responses above but for me?
I could go and see them, I could make it known by a FB post or something I'm sober...but tbh it doesn't really matter that much now.
I'm doing this for me - and for my loved ones.
I like who I am now.
I'm not going to focus on those small amount of people when I have a large retinue of folks who supported me, and still do, on the changes I made to my life
You're doing a good thing - a great thing - be proud
D
I'm sorry - I still have people on the periphery of my life (friends of friends etc) who assume I'm still a drunk.
It does hurt - especially in the early days - but I think it says way more about them that it does about me...or you
I admire the growth in some of the responses above but for me?
I could go and see them, I could make it known by a FB post or something I'm sober...but tbh it doesn't really matter that much now.
I'm doing this for me - and for my loved ones.
I like who I am now.
I'm not going to focus on those small amount of people when I have a large retinue of folks who supported me, and still do, on the changes I made to my life
You're doing a good thing - a great thing - be proud
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
I relate to this post and there’s some really good advice here. Your being able to see that it’s entirely rational for your neighbors to assume nothing has changed shows that you’re doing the work. Keep doing it. We can’t control others so it’s not like anyone can promise that the neighbors will accept the change and open up to you, but we can keep on growing sobriety. After awhile they will figure it out and what they do with it is on them. You can make amends as stated above, or you can not. The most important work is staying sober. Congrats on 90 days.
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