Sasha1972

Psychological leftover of years spent with alcoholic - the constant state of responding to one's environment as though everything is about to go disastrously wrong and it will be MY FAULT.

Examples from just the past 18 hours: I'm driving down a main thoroughfare and I see the police have set up a speed trap and are pulling people over. OHMYGOD! I'M ABOUT TO BE ARRESTED! I'VE BEEN CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING VERY WRONG! Except I'm not speeding - I'm doing several miles below the limit. I will not be pulled over, and even if I am by mistake, everything is in order - license, registration and insurance are all as they should be and I am not doing anything wrong. But in the midbrain, it's Red Alert time.

Then at Al Anon meeting. One member says that when it's her turn to chair (the topic is "chair's choice") she wants to talk about maintaining healthy boundaries within the group and is asking people to think in advance about what healthy boundaries look like. OHMYGOD! SHE'S TALKING ABOUT ME! I'M ABOUT TO BE CALLED OUT FOR HAVING UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES! Except that I do have healthy boundaries - I go to meetings, visit other members who are sick, and occasionally go out for coffee or to a movie. I don't over-share, gossip or backbite. I have almost pathologically rigid boundaries. But in the midbrain, it's Red Alert time.

Then this morning, giving a presentation at work. Someone asks a question about what the data show. I say that I can't answer their question with the data which we have, although it is a good question. OHMYGOD! I DID THE ANALYSIS ALL WRONG! I HAVE SCREWED UP THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT BECAUSE I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! Except I know the data, what they show and what they don't show, and it's not possible to answer the colleague's question using these data. It's got nothing to do with me. But in the midbrain ...

Saltlamp

Hey, are you me? Haha.

Be me. Get called into boss’s office. Expect to be fired or disciplined for no reason- vague paranoia. Receive commendation instead. Feel relieved rather than proud but ready for next time. Cue imposter syndrome. Repeat.

Now for me that’s not as much a result of living with addicts but the sense of hyper-responsibility has been an ingrained part of my psyche (thanks to FOO issues, etc.)

Therapy has has really helped me with this. I get the same feelings from time to time but they’re not overwhelming, and definitely less than I once did.

hopeful4

It's a learned trauma response left over from past experiences. I just had a talk about this with a mental health person about this very same thing yesterday. I have also been dealing with it in therapy for quite some time.

You are not even responding to the now (even though it's happening now), you are responding based on past memories/responses. I do this on the regular as well, but am slowly going through my brain filing cabinets of past experiences, especially the ones labeled FEAR, and dealing with them one at a time.

I think it must be so much more hard for you because you have to continue in dealing with your XAH who gives you more than enough difficulties.

For myself, it meant a diagnosis of PTSD and General Anxiety Disorder and working through all of that with a therapist and having the correct medications.

I wish you all the best. I hate that you have to deal with all the things you do.

Big hugs!

dawnrising

OMG all of this thank you for posting apparently we share a brain I share a brain with hopeful4 same diagnosis complex PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder, add in the ADHD and my brain is always looking for the falling sky so I can spin myself up, fail, and take responsibility for the universe. I was told to breathe and ask myself "what do you KNOW to be true" ....... then ask yourself do you really KNOW ...... uuggghhh turns out there's a ton of stuff I don't KNOW .

FeelingGreat

Yeah I get that feeling when I see police, even though I'm super law abiding. Strangely it's abated a bit since I was pulled over recently for a (random) breath test and the cop was a bit officious and rude. It didn't impress me at all.

Do you think your instinctive reactions come from your time with EXAH or from earlier in you life?

HoldOnLoosely

Sigh. Me too. I completely understand. I think it's the cumulative effect of dealing with blame, half truths, projection and etc. Such a mind boggling experience.

The growth is looking within ourselves. It takes time. It looks like you're doing well. To pause and work through the thoughts and uncomfortable feelings is amazing. Sometimes, we look outward to ease and soothe our fear and anxiety, but you're looking inward. Well done.

AutumnMama

I do this a lot too. I think it all boils down to low self esteem, or not trusting yourself. The aftereffects of being gaslighted (gaslit?) by alcoholics...

"am I wrong? I don't feel like I've done anything wrong but this guy over here is saying everything is my fault so maybe it is? Maybe I am stupid and don't see the wrong that I'm doing? Maybe I'm crazy..."

opening that door leads to a lot of second guessing of yourself---and the door seems to take a lot longer to close than it took to open I still struggle a lot with this.

PuzzledHeart

I work with numbers, and one of the reasons why I'm good at my job is because I'm hypervigilant. However, since we do report out to the public, it also means that each publication brings me into a state of incredible anxiety. Each time, I wonder, did I do something wrong? Will I ruin my reputation, or worse, my co-workers', if I screw things up? It sometimes gets to the point I can't even bear to look at my own stuff because I feel so nauseous. If I'm not careful, I can bring my production down to zero because I'm so obsessed with error finding.

I am getting better about this, but I always thought it was just who I was. I never made a strong connection between the anxiety generated by my own work with my own abused childhood, but Sasha you've set the gears flying in my head. I just remember the dread I faced coming back home. The fear that I would screw up and set her off. The assumption that even if I was right, she was still angry at me and that was all that mattered. The blight that her dark mood could overwhelm any good that happened that day.

Scattershot, but worthwhile, thoughts.

Leelee168

So is this tied to the moon or something? My hyper vigilance has been off the charts for the past several days. I know I’m bad, but I’ve been so jumpy lately and have scared several others with a scream if they unintentionally “sneak” up on me.

I’m just really, really tired of this.

Hope that things settle down for you soon. Big hugs to you.

Sasha1972

XAH = master class in dread and fear about some undefined awful thing that was about happen which would be all my fault.

Family of origin = laying the foundations for the above. Very long story short: both parents suffering from depression, decent people but overwhelmed by life (no substance abuse involved). Both have family histories of depression. "Overwhelmed by life" meant financial insecurities and very little social support (we moved around a lot), plus two siblings who had big issues - one had a life-threatening medical condition involving repeated crises (he survived it and is fine as an adult); the other has cognitive deficits that were poorly understood at the time but are associated with impaired impulse control (rages) and inability to foresee the consequences of actions (I the overfunctioning, high-achieving, very responsible "normal" one - it's a classic family-systems pattern). So it felt like something awful was about to happen ... because something awful was usually about to happen.

I have done A LOT of work on myself and I think I'm in pretty good shape. Still, my hardwiring was shaped by these experiences, and the hypervigilance is a reminder.