Guilt is wanting me to drink
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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Guilt is wanting me to drink
I didn’t know who else to talk to about this. My family buried my uncle’s ashes today. He actually died 4 and a half years ago, of alcoholism. He was cremated, and we had a whole church funeral for him back then, but his death was pretty sudden so no one really knew or planned what to do after. So his ashes have been at my aunt’s/his ex wife’s house for the past 4.5 years. She’s moving on with her life, as she should, so she and my other aunt kinda realized it’s time to find a permanent resting place for him.
I had a lot of issues with my uncle when he was alive, before I understood his disease...before I even believed it was a disease, a.k.a. before I inherited the lovely thing. His drinking caused a lot of pain to a lot of people I love, and he physically endangered the most important person in the world to me, my grandma/his mother, by driving her around while drunk one day. Again, I didn’t understand his disease at the time. So that was absolutely abhorrent to me, and there were times i wanted to kill him myself for putting her in harm’s way like that. But right before he died, he tried to help me with something that at the time was super important to me, and it showed me he was still in there, I was able to recognize his good intentions, and it was a step in the right direction towards me working on forgiving him, for the grandma thing and for everything. He died before I got the chance, which left me with a lot of unanswered questions and unresolve. Over the past 4.5 years, I’ve been able to come to peace with the fact that my final feelings about my uncle are, and always will be, totally unclear. That just is what it is.
So when this whole burying his ashes thing came up, I was really on the fence about going. First of all, it felt like it was more for his kids and his sister. He and I were never overly close, even while growing up before all the drinking problems started. Then, I figured if my other cousin’s went, I would too. Then, as it got closer, I started seriously wondering if dredging up all those unanswered questions was a good idea. I ultimately decided it was NOT a good idea for me, i decided to be selfish, and I sat today out. Note, I did not drink over it yesterday or today, even though I had 2 small meltdown last night, and today felt like I was on pins and needles.
No one even asked if I was planning to come today, so I figured it really was just a quick thing. My aunt originally said she knew it was the middle of the week, so it may be hard for people to get off work, etc. My boss is out of state on vacation, so I absolutely could have gone. But when no one talked about it, i decided I’d made the right choice to “have to work”.
My aunt just called, about all the cousins going out to dinner, and it really sounds like they were alllllll there today, and I was the only one who missed it. I could be wrong...she wasn’t mad at all or anything, but from what she said, I got the feeling I was the only missing family member. I didn’t want to ask, ‘cause I don’t want to know for sure and really solidify the horrendous guilt I’m feeling. So I’m also sitting out the cousins dinner, cause if i were to go and find out I was the only one who PURPOSELY missed this...I had every ability to be there....I can’t handle knowing that right now. I already want to drink about 8 bottles of wine on the pure feeling/assumption alone.
It was selfish of me not to go, but I made the best possible decision I could have made for myself. The topic of my uncle always brings up the topic of my grandma, the one he drove drunk with, who was my favorite person in the world and her death 5 years ago is what I believe drove me off the alcoholic deep end. I didn’t make the decision lightly...trust me, I had 2 meltdowns last night and slept like crap over this. I just could not justify the good/the respect/the whatever outweighing the really awful here. I made a judgment call for my very delicate psyche right now, but the guilt that will come along with knowing if I was the only one who intentionally skipped this, is wanting to crush me.
I JUST want this day to be over, so I can put him and all my issues with him back to rest, literally and figuratively. Even my aunt commented on it bringing everything back up, and she’s a rock in comparison to how fragile I am. Luckily I know drinking over it isn’t the answer, and that’s actually thanks to my uncle, because today’s events wouldn’t have even been going on, if drinking was the answer. He’d be alive. Thank you so much for listening, like I said there’s no one else I could’ve said all this too, and I feel a little better. Just need a hot shower and my bed.
I had a lot of issues with my uncle when he was alive, before I understood his disease...before I even believed it was a disease, a.k.a. before I inherited the lovely thing. His drinking caused a lot of pain to a lot of people I love, and he physically endangered the most important person in the world to me, my grandma/his mother, by driving her around while drunk one day. Again, I didn’t understand his disease at the time. So that was absolutely abhorrent to me, and there were times i wanted to kill him myself for putting her in harm’s way like that. But right before he died, he tried to help me with something that at the time was super important to me, and it showed me he was still in there, I was able to recognize his good intentions, and it was a step in the right direction towards me working on forgiving him, for the grandma thing and for everything. He died before I got the chance, which left me with a lot of unanswered questions and unresolve. Over the past 4.5 years, I’ve been able to come to peace with the fact that my final feelings about my uncle are, and always will be, totally unclear. That just is what it is.
So when this whole burying his ashes thing came up, I was really on the fence about going. First of all, it felt like it was more for his kids and his sister. He and I were never overly close, even while growing up before all the drinking problems started. Then, I figured if my other cousin’s went, I would too. Then, as it got closer, I started seriously wondering if dredging up all those unanswered questions was a good idea. I ultimately decided it was NOT a good idea for me, i decided to be selfish, and I sat today out. Note, I did not drink over it yesterday or today, even though I had 2 small meltdown last night, and today felt like I was on pins and needles.
No one even asked if I was planning to come today, so I figured it really was just a quick thing. My aunt originally said she knew it was the middle of the week, so it may be hard for people to get off work, etc. My boss is out of state on vacation, so I absolutely could have gone. But when no one talked about it, i decided I’d made the right choice to “have to work”.
My aunt just called, about all the cousins going out to dinner, and it really sounds like they were alllllll there today, and I was the only one who missed it. I could be wrong...she wasn’t mad at all or anything, but from what she said, I got the feeling I was the only missing family member. I didn’t want to ask, ‘cause I don’t want to know for sure and really solidify the horrendous guilt I’m feeling. So I’m also sitting out the cousins dinner, cause if i were to go and find out I was the only one who PURPOSELY missed this...I had every ability to be there....I can’t handle knowing that right now. I already want to drink about 8 bottles of wine on the pure feeling/assumption alone.
It was selfish of me not to go, but I made the best possible decision I could have made for myself. The topic of my uncle always brings up the topic of my grandma, the one he drove drunk with, who was my favorite person in the world and her death 5 years ago is what I believe drove me off the alcoholic deep end. I didn’t make the decision lightly...trust me, I had 2 meltdowns last night and slept like crap over this. I just could not justify the good/the respect/the whatever outweighing the really awful here. I made a judgment call for my very delicate psyche right now, but the guilt that will come along with knowing if I was the only one who intentionally skipped this, is wanting to crush me.
I JUST want this day to be over, so I can put him and all my issues with him back to rest, literally and figuratively. Even my aunt commented on it bringing everything back up, and she’s a rock in comparison to how fragile I am. Luckily I know drinking over it isn’t the answer, and that’s actually thanks to my uncle, because today’s events wouldn’t have even been going on, if drinking was the answer. He’d be alive. Thank you so much for listening, like I said there’s no one else I could’ve said all this too, and I feel a little better. Just need a hot shower and my bed.
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I'm sorry for your loss, but you made a choice for your health and I think it was a good one Rayna.
Rather than thinking guilt is making me want to drink tho - maybe turn it around a little?
'I feel guilty and I need to find healthy positive ways to deal with that - and drinking is not healthy or positive?'
you can do this
Rather than thinking guilt is making me want to drink tho - maybe turn it around a little?
'I feel guilty and I need to find healthy positive ways to deal with that - and drinking is not healthy or positive?'
you can do this
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm sorry for your loss, but you made a choice for your health and I think it was a good one Rayna.
Rather than thinking guilt is making me want to drink tho - maybe turn it around a little?
'I feel guilty and I need to find healthy positive ways to deal with that - and drinking is not healthy or positive?'
you can do this
Rather than thinking guilt is making me want to drink tho - maybe turn it around a little?
'I feel guilty and I need to find healthy positive ways to deal with that - and drinking is not healthy or positive?'
you can do this
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,907
Way to go for making the healthy right choice for you. A lot of times I think what we imagine is going on in the heads of others is primarily in our own—and even if not and your worst fears would be true that they would be upset with you, that would be a bit selfish on their end, no? You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your recovery. I bet they would understand and support that. But if they didn’t, I don’t think that’s on you. Hugs and hope you get some rest!
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 919
Good for you for not drinking tonight.
There are many ways you can show your support for family and show respect for your passed away family members, if spending today away was important for your sobriety everyone will understand in the long run, and even if they don't it was the right choice.
Much love.
There are many ways you can show your support for family and show respect for your passed away family members, if spending today away was important for your sobriety everyone will understand in the long run, and even if they don't it was the right choice.
Much love.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
I think it was the right decision. Somebody recently wrote about the difference in being selfish vs. self-care, and it's the latter that I think that you had to follow. There is no need to carry feelings of remorse over the latter, when it really was important for you not to go.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 600
This post really shook me & brought up intense feelings. This is my take. We alcoholics feel things very deeply. I know it’s one of the reasons for my continued heavy, heavy drinking over 25 years. To calm that mental, emotional onslaught of intense emotions, both sadness & exhilaration. You’re not like your cousins who can go to this memorial & move on. Given the memories & your uncle’s death from alcoholism it’s perfectly understandable you didn’t attend but you most likely felt it more than anyone. And that’s a good thing.
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Originally Posted by Tailai
This post really shook me & brought up intense feelings. This is my take. We alcoholics feel things very deeply. I know it’s one of the reasons for my continued heavy, heavy drinking over 25 years. To calm that mental, emotional onslaught of intense emotions, both sadness & exhilaration. You’re not like your cousins who can go to this memorial & move on. Given the memories & your uncle’s death from alcoholism it’s perfectly understandable you didn’t attend but you most likely felt it more than anyone. And that’s a good thing.
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Originally Posted by Guener
I think it was the right decision. Somebody recently wrote about the difference in being selfish vs. self-care, and it's the latter that I think that you had to follow. There is no need to carry feelings of remorse over the latter, when it really was important for you not to go.
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Originally Posted by kinzoku
Good for you for not drinking tonight.
There are many ways you can show your support for family and show respect for your passed away family members, if spending today away was important for your sobriety everyone will understand in the long run, and even if they don't it was the right choice.
Much love.
There are many ways you can show your support for family and show respect for your passed away family members, if spending today away was important for your sobriety everyone will understand in the long run, and even if they don't it was the right choice.
Much love.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Numblady
Way to go for making the healthy right choice for you. A lot of times I think what we imagine is going on in the heads of others is primarily in our own—and even if not and your worst fears would be true that they would be upset with you, that would be a bit selfish on their end, no? You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your recovery. I bet they would understand and support that. But if they didn’t, I don’t think that’s on you. Hugs and hope you get some rest!
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