Opinions in AA
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
Opinions in AA
I've been in and out of AA for the past 6 years, any periods of sobriety I've had have been when I'm doing all that is suggested within the fellowship.
The problem I have is opinions within AA and how to deal with things as best as I can and not take everything everyone has on board in my already mental and busy mind......get a sponsor, don't get a sponsor until you've done plenty of meetings and your head settles, but get a sponsor who has a sponsor, keep it simple, get good people around you but be aware who you have around you.....I honestly feel like my head is going to burst. All I want to do is go to meetings, take on the suggestions and live a peaceful life. (I have a sponsor also) I just wish everyone would stop volunteering their thoughts onto me but I know they are just trying to help.
I will speak to my sponsor about this later but in the meantime any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
The problem I have is opinions within AA and how to deal with things as best as I can and not take everything everyone has on board in my already mental and busy mind......get a sponsor, don't get a sponsor until you've done plenty of meetings and your head settles, but get a sponsor who has a sponsor, keep it simple, get good people around you but be aware who you have around you.....I honestly feel like my head is going to burst. All I want to do is go to meetings, take on the suggestions and live a peaceful life. (I have a sponsor also) I just wish everyone would stop volunteering their thoughts onto me but I know they are just trying to help.
I will speak to my sponsor about this later but in the meantime any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Hey Peace - glad you are sharing and plan to talk to your sponsor.
I guess my one question, for now, would be if in your time in the program, you have worked all of the steps? Or, said another way, did you reach a place where YOU trusted in your program, and started working with others? IMO and IME, that doesn't have to mean sponsorship - service takes many forms. I waited quite awhile to take on my first sponsor - probably about 2 1/2 years. My sponsor encouraged me to do it sooner, but that wasn't what I felt spiritually connected to doing sooner.
Is your sponsor (or another person or people you've met) someone who "has what you want"? By this I mean, choosing among all the talk you describe, a path that works for me, on a daily basis; slowly, as I have grown in sobriety, I look at the mid- and long-term. I have 1,135 days (3 yr anda bit over a month- I track every wk or so now and needed to check a specific number this wk related to a project I'm working on) - in that time, my first sponsor was perfect for steps 1-3 and the discipline and knowledge from the first 164p and to this day how I begin my mornings. I didn't feel comfortable with her for my 4th, so I started working with my 2d sponsor who was so critical and wonderful to my progress; for significant (to me) reasons, I needed to leave her and now have the right sponsor for me.
Let us know how you keep doing.
I guess my one question, for now, would be if in your time in the program, you have worked all of the steps? Or, said another way, did you reach a place where YOU trusted in your program, and started working with others? IMO and IME, that doesn't have to mean sponsorship - service takes many forms. I waited quite awhile to take on my first sponsor - probably about 2 1/2 years. My sponsor encouraged me to do it sooner, but that wasn't what I felt spiritually connected to doing sooner.
Is your sponsor (or another person or people you've met) someone who "has what you want"? By this I mean, choosing among all the talk you describe, a path that works for me, on a daily basis; slowly, as I have grown in sobriety, I look at the mid- and long-term. I have 1,135 days (3 yr anda bit over a month- I track every wk or so now and needed to check a specific number this wk related to a project I'm working on) - in that time, my first sponsor was perfect for steps 1-3 and the discipline and knowledge from the first 164p and to this day how I begin my mornings. I didn't feel comfortable with her for my 4th, so I started working with my 2d sponsor who was so critical and wonderful to my progress; for significant (to me) reasons, I needed to leave her and now have the right sponsor for me.
Let us know how you keep doing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 42
Peace,
I feel many of the feelings you expressed. I have been in AA for more than 10 months and have not picked up a drink in that time. There are many folks that want to help. However, unsolicited advice is usually criticism in disguise. I don't mind the congrats, encouragement and someone else's recovery experiences, but sometimes I hear from someone I hardly know adding his two cents worth. For me, that can cause my mind to start churning and that is the last thing I want to experience from a meeting. At the same time, I don't want to use those criticisms as an excuse to move away from the program.
The "I don't need this, I don't have a problem, they're all nuts" type of thinking. I do the best I can. I don't drink and go to meetings. Any discomfort I may feel disappears and I don't drink over it.
I feel many of the feelings you expressed. I have been in AA for more than 10 months and have not picked up a drink in that time. There are many folks that want to help. However, unsolicited advice is usually criticism in disguise. I don't mind the congrats, encouragement and someone else's recovery experiences, but sometimes I hear from someone I hardly know adding his two cents worth. For me, that can cause my mind to start churning and that is the last thing I want to experience from a meeting. At the same time, I don't want to use those criticisms as an excuse to move away from the program.
The "I don't need this, I don't have a problem, they're all nuts" type of thinking. I do the best I can. I don't drink and go to meetings. Any discomfort I may feel disappears and I don't drink over it.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Talking to your sponsor sounds like a good idea Peace. Unsolicited advice is a universal phenomenon- whether you at an AA meeting or not. And it can definitely get overwhelming at times if you let it. My best advice would be a lot like what they say in AA - take what you need and leave the rest. Some people will have good intentions of course and others might not - but that's simply part of life - not something inherent to recovery or a particular recovery program.
Specific to AA, part of the program is working the steps though - so if you want to just go to meetings and do nothing else you really aren't getting at the core of the program.
Specific to AA, part of the program is working the steps though - so if you want to just go to meetings and do nothing else you really aren't getting at the core of the program.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
AA for me was about action, not opinions. So, three practical things which really helped me....
The just for today card. It is, as far as I know, AA approved literature (at least in the UK) It helped me so much in he tussle of forming new habits, and it is so practical, and so grounded in AA wisdom.
Reading the AA big book - as they say the first 164 pages, where you will find the programme of AA
Going to a step group, and becoming a regular member of that group, and doing service there
That possibly looks like another bunch of opinion. It's my experience though that once I take action, I begin to have experience of my own, and this experience helps me field opinion. There's also one of the promises P83-84) that says we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us - perhaps whether to take advice or opinion being offered us, or not, and even on a very good day, be able to handle the situation with grace & kindness :-)
AA wisdom, that book, the literature is all grounded in the experience of others. Taking the practical action in the programme, makes that experience ours too. I can then share my experience, rather than my opinion. I'm a big fan too of staying the literature of AA, it certainly hasn't done me any harm.
The just for today card. It is, as far as I know, AA approved literature (at least in the UK) It helped me so much in he tussle of forming new habits, and it is so practical, and so grounded in AA wisdom.
Reading the AA big book - as they say the first 164 pages, where you will find the programme of AA
Going to a step group, and becoming a regular member of that group, and doing service there
That possibly looks like another bunch of opinion. It's my experience though that once I take action, I begin to have experience of my own, and this experience helps me field opinion. There's also one of the promises P83-84) that says we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us - perhaps whether to take advice or opinion being offered us, or not, and even on a very good day, be able to handle the situation with grace & kindness :-)
AA wisdom, that book, the literature is all grounded in the experience of others. Taking the practical action in the programme, makes that experience ours too. I can then share my experience, rather than my opinion. I'm a big fan too of staying the literature of AA, it certainly hasn't done me any harm.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
good on ya for going to meetings!
im not too sure what opinions you may be speaking of,but this:
.get a sponsor, don't get a sponsor until you've done plenty of meetings and your head settles, but get a sponsor who has a sponsor, keep it simple, get good people around you but be aware who you have around you...
reads like suggestions to me and some are rather good ones. this one,though:
don't get a sponsor until you've done plenty of meetings and your head settles,
could be deadly.
best way to take the opinions? take em as opinions.
im not too sure what opinions you may be speaking of,but this:
.get a sponsor, don't get a sponsor until you've done plenty of meetings and your head settles, but get a sponsor who has a sponsor, keep it simple, get good people around you but be aware who you have around you...
reads like suggestions to me and some are rather good ones. this one,though:
don't get a sponsor until you've done plenty of meetings and your head settles,
could be deadly.
best way to take the opinions? take em as opinions.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
^^^^
"reads like suggestions to me and some are rather good ones. this one,though:
don't get a sponsor until you've done plenty of meetings and your head settles,
could be deadly."
^^^^what Tomsteve said - and I'd add that for anyone who's been in and out of the program, sooner rather than later is an even better choice to decide to work the program for real, whether it's the first time doing more than meetings, or you've done the steps before.
I don't believe we get infinite chances to get sober. You've got one, right now.
"reads like suggestions to me and some are rather good ones. this one,though:
don't get a sponsor until you've done plenty of meetings and your head settles,
could be deadly."
^^^^what Tomsteve said - and I'd add that for anyone who's been in and out of the program, sooner rather than later is an even better choice to decide to work the program for real, whether it's the first time doing more than meetings, or you've done the steps before.
I don't believe we get infinite chances to get sober. You've got one, right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
Thanks everyone for all your great responses.
Scott - I start the programme with my sponsor on Friday - I know going to meetings and sharing generally will only get me so far (as I continually seem to pick up that first drink!) I desperately want to be sober but not in the white knuckle sense, I want to feel the peace I hear so many people talk about and deal with all the things that seem to make me hate myself. Something has changed for me, I want to be sober more than I want to drink. Really I just want to go to a meeting, sit my bum on the seat and listen to the share......not for 10 people to come up to me and add they're tuppence worth about how I look or who sponsors me. I guess I'll get the peace and learn to deal with these things as I go through the steps.
Peace
Scott - I start the programme with my sponsor on Friday - I know going to meetings and sharing generally will only get me so far (as I continually seem to pick up that first drink!) I desperately want to be sober but not in the white knuckle sense, I want to feel the peace I hear so many people talk about and deal with all the things that seem to make me hate myself. Something has changed for me, I want to be sober more than I want to drink. Really I just want to go to a meeting, sit my bum on the seat and listen to the share......not for 10 people to come up to me and add they're tuppence worth about how I look or who sponsors me. I guess I'll get the peace and learn to deal with these things as I go through the steps.
Peace
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
When I was in AA they mixed the group one day with alanon omg it was awful and nearly put me off going, but remember they are just opinions nothing more, stick with it, I wish I could have an AA English speaking group near me, good luck ie we have moved to another part of the country France
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by PeaceInSilence 
Really I just want to go to a meeting, sit my bum on the seat and listen to the share......not for 10 people to come up to me and add they're tuppence worth about how I look or who sponsors me.
Peace
Peace
them steps showed me the root of the self hatred and gave me a great solution for it.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by tomsteve
youre allowed to set some boundaries, Peace. youre allowed to tell them to back off however you may want to say it.
them steps showed me the root of the self hatred and gave me a great solution for it.
them steps showed me the root of the self hatred and gave me a great solution for it.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
I remember that feeling of being overwhelmed early on. Maybe it's not so much the unsolicited opinions, as it is just early recovery itself and all of the emotional upheaval that comes with it. As time goes on, and you work with your sponsor on the steps, you should start to feel better and stronger and more able to shrug off the opinions of others that don't seem to apply to you. Remember - AA folks are just folks like everyone else, and not all of them will give you advice that works for you. Try not to take any of it as implied criticism - it's most likely not meant that way, and people are only trying to help. Do what works FOR YOU.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
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As you go on, Peace, you can likely learn how to better separate the people from the program. That took me more than a minute - because I had so much to learn and it was like a foreign language....frankly, I didn't stick around after the meeting, nor come early, like some folks suggest. I did that later on, some, but it's still not my regular thing like others do.
Even sitting in a diff spot can be helpful - and again, while some people think this is rude or "not the way to do it" I gave myself permission to duck out early, say right before the SP if it is said, or best I could after a last share or close to it.
Do what YOU need to do and you can take each day sober.
Even sitting in a diff spot can be helpful - and again, while some people think this is rude or "not the way to do it" I gave myself permission to duck out early, say right before the SP if it is said, or best I could after a last share or close to it.
Do what YOU need to do and you can take each day sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
Thank you MLD and August, guess being me is harder than I thought....I constantly question myself and my actions trying not to be the same drunk ******* I've always been. Change has to happen but I'm scared to be me....hell I don't even know who "me" is. Keeping things in the day, and as simple as I can helps when my head doesn't keep doing a number on me....which is rare. I say the serenity prayer quite a bit which helps and pulls me back to the moment but my head and I do not get on! Its a daily battle that I hope through time gets on friendlier terms.....!
The gift of desperation I have!
Peace x
The gift of desperation I have!
Peace x
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
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Oh Peace, finding out me! You are right- weird, scary, whatifidontlikeme for sure....but a new chance, you know? And here at just past 3 yr sober, I can tell you me has evolved and I've found some surprises about what I am like along the way - generally good, but also ones I have to put in the column of defects and keep working on 
The fact that this whole recovery thing takes time is tough for an impatient alcoholic (ha)....and giving myself a break was definitely something I didn't think I deserved when I was drinking (or, I did that in the wrong way, like blaming others for stuff)...we can gain confidence in our right to be ourselves, to make decisions, boundaries...
Keep going - glad you are here.
The fact that this whole recovery thing takes time is tough for an impatient alcoholic (ha)....and giving myself a break was definitely something I didn't think I deserved when I was drinking (or, I did that in the wrong way, like blaming others for stuff)...we can gain confidence in our right to be ourselves, to make decisions, boundaries...
Keep going - glad you are here.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by PeaceInSilence
I need a radar from all the nuts......and yes I am fully aware I am one of those myself
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Peace. Welcome. I'm glad you're here, have gone back to AA, have chosen a sponsor, and have received the Gift of Desperation.
Early in my sobriety the Serenity Prayer truly restored my sanity. Another prayer that help keep me sane is on page 86 of the Big Book, where it begins, "On awakening, let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead," and reading on until the end of the chapter. I still read that prayer today.
Hang in there. You'll be fine.
Early in my sobriety the Serenity Prayer truly restored my sanity. Another prayer that help keep me sane is on page 86 of the Big Book, where it begins, "On awakening, let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead," and reading on until the end of the chapter. I still read that prayer today.
Hang in there. You'll be fine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by August252015
Oh Peace, finding out me! You are right- weird, scary, whatifidontlikeme for sure....but a new chance, you know? And here at just past 3 yr sober, I can tell you me has evolved and I've found some surprises about what I am like along the way - generally good, but also ones I have to put in the column of defects and keep working on
The fact that this whole recovery thing takes time is tough for an impatient alcoholic (ha)....and giving myself a break was definitely something I didn't think I deserved when I was drinking (or, I did that in the wrong way, like blaming others for stuff)...we can gain confidence in our right to be ourselves, to make decisions, boundaries...
Keep going - glad you are here.
The fact that this whole recovery thing takes time is tough for an impatient alcoholic (ha)....and giving myself a break was definitely something I didn't think I deserved when I was drinking (or, I did that in the wrong way, like blaming others for stuff)...we can gain confidence in our right to be ourselves, to make decisions, boundaries...
Keep going - glad you are here.
Thanks for your input August and 3 years is amazing!
Peace x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by djlook
Hello, Peace. Welcome. I'm glad you're here, have gone back to AA, have chosen a sponsor, and have received the Gift of Desperation.
Early in my sobriety the Serenity Prayer truly restored my sanity. Another prayer that help keep me sane is on page 86 of the Big Book, where it begins, "On awakening, let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead," and reading on until the end of the chapter. I still read that prayer today.
Hang in there. You'll be fine.
Early in my sobriety the Serenity Prayer truly restored my sanity. Another prayer that help keep me sane is on page 86 of the Big Book, where it begins, "On awakening, let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead," and reading on until the end of the chapter. I still read that prayer today.
Hang in there. You'll be fine.
But the serenity prayer just nails a lot for me in moments of panic, fear and heck even joy.
And for the first time ever I really believe I'm going to be okay.
Thank you.
Peace x
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