I’ve been drinking again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
I’ve been drinking again
Hi everyone. I’ve posted in here a bit over the last few years. Last time I went to my first AA meeting and was motivated to change, but went back to drinking after only five days sober and have been drinking ever since.
I’m posting today after a day-long binge yesterday. It’s the middle of the afternoon and I’m in bed sweating and shaking. I feel physically sick and full of self-loathing. I owed my mum £100 (much of which I’d borrowed for alcohol, telling her it was for something else). I got paid on Thursday and have spent all £300 of it since then mainly on booze and going out. Now I have to tell her on Mother’s Day of all days that the money she lent me out of her measly state pension isn’t going to be returned like I promised. I absolutely hate myself right now. I’m trying to hold back the tears because if I start crying I won’t stop.
I don’t know why I can’t stop drinking. I despise myself and I despise feeling like this. I saw my GP last week to confess to my alcoholism. I cried. She was kind but she was very concerned that I’ve spent 10+ years drinking around 100 units of alcohol a week. I’ve got blood tests booked in for Tuesday to assess the state of my liver. I’m so scared of what the results will be.
I can’t seem to hold onto any desire or motivation to not drink for more than a couple of days. The cravings just brainwash me. Everything I felt about alcohol just vanishes and I’m back drinking yet again, only to end back up in the state I am today.
I don’t know how to fix this. I wasn’t keen on AA. There’s only one meeting in my town, once a week. It didn’t seem to be like the way I’ve seen others describe meetings. There were about ten people there, most of them long timers. They spent the first 20 minutes or so arguing about something to do with admin and accounting for the group. I was so uncomfortable and nervous. I didn’t get a chip or anything like that. They also said I had to start paying at the next meeting which I didn’t realise. I hadn’t taken any cash with me.
Anyway, I guess I just need to vent and to explain my feelings today to people who understand. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. I’m completely and utterly stuck.
I’m posting today after a day-long binge yesterday. It’s the middle of the afternoon and I’m in bed sweating and shaking. I feel physically sick and full of self-loathing. I owed my mum £100 (much of which I’d borrowed for alcohol, telling her it was for something else). I got paid on Thursday and have spent all £300 of it since then mainly on booze and going out. Now I have to tell her on Mother’s Day of all days that the money she lent me out of her measly state pension isn’t going to be returned like I promised. I absolutely hate myself right now. I’m trying to hold back the tears because if I start crying I won’t stop.
I don’t know why I can’t stop drinking. I despise myself and I despise feeling like this. I saw my GP last week to confess to my alcoholism. I cried. She was kind but she was very concerned that I’ve spent 10+ years drinking around 100 units of alcohol a week. I’ve got blood tests booked in for Tuesday to assess the state of my liver. I’m so scared of what the results will be.
I can’t seem to hold onto any desire or motivation to not drink for more than a couple of days. The cravings just brainwash me. Everything I felt about alcohol just vanishes and I’m back drinking yet again, only to end back up in the state I am today.
I don’t know how to fix this. I wasn’t keen on AA. There’s only one meeting in my town, once a week. It didn’t seem to be like the way I’ve seen others describe meetings. There were about ten people there, most of them long timers. They spent the first 20 minutes or so arguing about something to do with admin and accounting for the group. I was so uncomfortable and nervous. I didn’t get a chip or anything like that. They also said I had to start paying at the next meeting which I didn’t realise. I hadn’t taken any cash with me.
Anyway, I guess I just need to vent and to explain my feelings today to people who understand. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. I’m completely and utterly stuck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, you are in the familiar place of misery we all found ourselves.
Yeah, that AA meeting sounds odd. There are other ways, you can quit.
I say, go to bed sober tonight. Put your head on the pillow without having a drink today. No matter what the thoughts say, don't pick up that first drink. They are just thoughts, they have no power, no arms, no money. If you do that continuously and every time, then it gets easier and easier. The first week is hard and really uncomfortable, but not impossible.
If I did it, you can too.
Keep posting, it will get better.
Yeah, that AA meeting sounds odd. There are other ways, you can quit.
I say, go to bed sober tonight. Put your head on the pillow without having a drink today. No matter what the thoughts say, don't pick up that first drink. They are just thoughts, they have no power, no arms, no money. If you do that continuously and every time, then it gets easier and easier. The first week is hard and really uncomfortable, but not impossible.
If I did it, you can too.
Keep posting, it will get better.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 97
Start crying and cry until you can't anymore. That would be so good for you. You don't need to tell your Mother anything. She already knows. All of it. Mums just know. Trust me she is fully up to speed on your bull****. It will be good to see the scientific truth from your doc. The truth always helps. You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink Polished. If you are recounting your history accurately, you know all the words, you know how many different verbal ways there are for us addicts to slice the bologna, and you know what it takes to quit. I hope you can pull out of this but I am very worried for you right now. Don't give up. You know what to do. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Gosh, I have been in your shoes. so many times! I had to make myself stop for that first 7 days, stay home if you have to and get through the first week. It starts to get easier from there, make a list of the reasons you need to stop, hang it somewhere you can see it everyday.
Rest, hydrate, repeat. Every single day. Make this your number one priority, everything else can wait!! You can do it, I know you can!
Blessings to you
Rest, hydrate, repeat. Every single day. Make this your number one priority, everything else can wait!! You can do it, I know you can!
Blessings to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
Thank you for your replies. I’m always so in awe of the kindness and strength of the people here. I have half a bottle of wine left over and even now I’m in two minds about whether to pour it away or try to force it down without puking to make myself feel better for half an hour or so.
This is a psychological hell. You know, I knew on some level that alcohol and I were going to have a problem before I even started drinking alcoholically, back as an 18 year old. Fast forward 13 years and just look at the state of me.
This is a psychological hell. You know, I knew on some level that alcohol and I were going to have a problem before I even started drinking alcoholically, back as an 18 year old. Fast forward 13 years and just look at the state of me.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi Polished,
I'm glad you're back here and seeking support.
The thing with cravings is that they are very intense in the early days, but they do lessen and eventually disappear. The tricky thing is that there is nothing to do, but to ride out the craving. Each time you succeed in getting through a craving, the next one will be easier. Intense cravings don't usually last very long so try to come up with something concrete that you can do when one starts.
I'm glad you're back here and seeking support.
The thing with cravings is that they are very intense in the early days, but they do lessen and eventually disappear. The tricky thing is that there is nothing to do, but to ride out the craving. Each time you succeed in getting through a craving, the next one will be easier. Intense cravings don't usually last very long so try to come up with something concrete that you can do when one starts.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 97
You are 31 Polished? Good grief you are so young!!! I so wish I had anywhere near your self-awareness when I was 31. For the love of all that is good and holy, quit now. Your 30's and 40's are perhaps the best two decades of your grown-up working life and you have nearly all of both decades left!! Get in there, dump that wine out, and live your greatest decades healthy and at peace. What I would give to have known what you know when I was 31. This is a golden opportunity Polished. You don't see it that way now but you will.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
Hi Polished - I'm so glad you're confronting this & posting. We all understand what you're going through - the way others can't.
Please don't despise yourself. None of us set out to sabotage our lives. You can get free & go on to have the wonderful life you deserve - no more misery. Stay with us.
Please don't despise yourself. None of us set out to sabotage our lives. You can get free & go on to have the wonderful life you deserve - no more misery. Stay with us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
Dump the wine, and sleep early if you can.
Each day will get easier--you just have to get over the hump where you usually cave, that's the thing.
I found eating ice cream helpful when cravings are really really strong.
You can do this--just don't drink no matter what
Each day will get easier--you just have to get over the hump where you usually cave, that's the thing.
I found eating ice cream helpful when cravings are really really strong.
You can do this--just don't drink no matter what
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by Polished 
Thank you for your replies. I’m always so in awe of the kindness and strength of the people here. I have half a bottle of wine left over and even now I’m in two minds about whether to pour it away or try to force it down without puking to make myself feel better for half an hour or so.
This is a psychological hell. You know, I knew on some level that alcohol and I were going to have a problem before I even started drinking alcoholically, back as an 18 year old. Fast forward 13 years and just look at the state of me.
This is a psychological hell. You know, I knew on some level that alcohol and I were going to have a problem before I even started drinking alcoholically, back as an 18 year old. Fast forward 13 years and just look at the state of me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
Thank you all so much for your lovely supportive comments. I poured the rest of the wine away and got up and took all my empties to the bottle bank.
Today has been truly horrific. I hate feeling like this, and I just want the emotional pain to stop. But in a way, I feel like I need to hold onto it to stop me forgetting these feelings after a couple of days and doing it all over again.
I don’t just want/need to *stop drinking* - I feel like I need to adopt a new attitude and learn a whole new way of living and being. I just don’t know where to start. I wish there was a choice of AA meetings where I live. Maybe I’ll have to go to my nearest city and try out a couple there.
Today has been truly horrific. I hate feeling like this, and I just want the emotional pain to stop. But in a way, I feel like I need to hold onto it to stop me forgetting these feelings after a couple of days and doing it all over again.
I don’t just want/need to *stop drinking* - I feel like I need to adopt a new attitude and learn a whole new way of living and being. I just don’t know where to start. I wish there was a choice of AA meetings where I live. Maybe I’ll have to go to my nearest city and try out a couple there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 230
I also found AA difficult. The best thing you can do for now is to Co-0perate with your doctor and alcohol services in your area to get safely detoxed.
Once your safely detoxed and able to think clearly then you can decide if AA is for you.
Once your safely detoxed and able to think clearly then you can decide if AA is for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
Alcohol became a problem for me after the first drink, that's clear to me. I have a history in my family, have had emotional and other mental problems to go through, and alcohol was my way out of it until things got too ugly. Getting rid of that temptation to go back has been a long road but it is bringing me sobriety each day that I work on myself.
Your first decision to stop is the most important to hang on to now. Nice job realizing you didn't need to finish that wine, it would only make you feel worse as you come off the alcohol and is so unnecessary anyway. I hope you will begin to find what you need in a plan to get better.
Your first decision to stop is the most important to hang on to now. Nice job realizing you didn't need to finish that wine, it would only make you feel worse as you come off the alcohol and is so unnecessary anyway. I hope you will begin to find what you need in a plan to get better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
Pol- I post here- lots...'specially when I do not want to. There are online meetings for SMART and lots of resources here to learn from and get involved with. Also AA online.
support to you
support to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
Thanks again to you all. There’s some wonderful advice here and I really do appreciate you all taking the time to reply to me.
PhoenixJ, I checked out SMART online meetings on my last attempt, but when I went to log into my first meeting I found I’d got the times mixed up due to the clocks going back and it was just ending, and shortly afterwards I was back to the booze. I think I’ll give it another try. Thanks for reminding me.
PhoenixJ, I checked out SMART online meetings on my last attempt, but when I went to log into my first meeting I found I’d got the times mixed up due to the clocks going back and it was just ending, and shortly afterwards I was back to the booze. I think I’ll give it another try. Thanks for reminding me.
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