For $@?#’s sake put down the shovel!!!

Old 03-28-2019, 10:38 PM
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For $@?#’s sake put down the shovel!!!

Is exactly what I want to scream at the top of my lungs! Family gone - ck, work problems - ck, legal problems - ck, tons of health problems -ck, lack of friends - ck. The insanity is astounding. So now AH faces contempt charges, fraud charges, identity theft charges (if we bring it). Has no sane family left (his, mine is mostly sane but they want nothing to do with him.) Relationships completely destroyed all around, still lying, still nasty, still digging. It just boggles the mind. I think the digging is the only control he has left and he just won’t put down the shovel. One accident, one misstep is his web of lies, one subpoenaed document and the walls of that hole are gonna cave, it’s insanity and I just don’t get it. I really thought the survival instinct would trump all else even in someone with mental illness/alcoholism. The arrogance/ignorance is astounding. It’s really something to watch the moods cycle and I am at a distance I can’t imagine it upclose and in real time, thank goodness. This is why people die of this damn disease!!! My arrogance and ignorance have nothing left but acceptance. AH is still digging and he’s gonna die in that hole and there isn’t anything anyone other than him can do to stop it. It’s so odd the people I have met along the way in my lifetime but particularly the last few years. The 30 year sober alcoholic, the random realtor from years ago who was a sober alcoholic (after losing his family he got sober and then lost his life in a random car accident.) My new community which is providing all that I need - from al-anon company, financial planners, cpa’s, headhunters, handymen, good friends and good fellowship. The friends I have made in communities I never thought I had anything in common with. While AH is digging his hole I am enjoying the wildflowers, authentic relationships, freedom from lies and manipulation. A dear friend told me a heartbreaking story tonight and wondered what the lesson was. When we thought about it we came up with two things. You are (were in this case) not alone, and there are so many wonderful people around you at any given moment you just need to take a moment to engage with them. You won’t find them at the bottom of your hole!
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Old 03-29-2019, 12:57 AM
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Thanks dawnrising. "For ****'s sake put down the shovel!" This is exactly it. I want to scream it too! It's so incredibly hard to understand why someone would keep destroying themselves.
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Old 03-29-2019, 02:46 AM
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Originally Posted by dawnrising
...

My arrogance and ignorance have nothing left but acceptance. AH is still digging and he’s gonna die in that hole and there isn’t anything anyone other than him can do to stop it.

...
This is always the hardest part. But as you are learning, once we accept that we really have no control over the addicts and alcoholics in our lives, we start seeing the good all around us that was there the whole time
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Old 03-29-2019, 06:16 AM
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It's almost as though they live second to second and are able to ignore everything else happening, that their walls are crumbling. Addiction becomes their #1, the only thing they hang on to. It's astounding.

I love the last part about YOU. I wish you live close to me, I would love to be your face to face friend! There are lots of people out there to make friends with. Just reach out where you can, sometimes it's in the oddest places.

Huge hugs!
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Old 03-29-2019, 07:31 AM
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I'm so sorry. It's so hard. Especially when the answer is really obvious to everyone else but the alcoholic.
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Old 03-29-2019, 08:19 PM
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dawnrising, I can hear your frustration. Some might say to detach completely, but you can't forget the fact that you once loved them and knew the original person behind the insanity. It's just plain tragic.
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Old 03-30-2019, 08:02 AM
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I am surrounded now by people who truly love and care for me. I learned a lot about love and what was not love by going to Alanon. I am so grateful for my friends and so glad XAH is removed from my life! DS still has nothing to do with me- DD has reconnected - but the relationship is very one-sided. She takes and takes from me and does not return my love. She calls me when she wants something. She tells me I love you, but what she really means is- Mom, I want you to love me. So I do love her. I see what is going on, and I just accept that is where she is right now. Maybe there will be an evolution- maybe not. But at least I am not fooled. Recently I had some devastating abdominal surgery and i had to have help at home when i came home. Friends and family have rallied around me and made sure I had the help I need. DD refused to change her plans for me or come to stay- she offered a 4 to 6 hour visit if I was willing to pay her $1000 so she and GF could come to visit. I explained I needed help, not a social visit. I was willing to pay her airfare if she came for 5 days to be of help. DD can work remotely. It hurts like hell but it just shows me the truth so I have to take it in and realize there are loving people in the world- thank goodness!!
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Old 03-31-2019, 06:18 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
It's almost as though they live second to second and are able to ignore everything else happening, that their walls are crumbling. Addiction becomes their #1, the only thing they hang on to. It's astounding.

I love the last part about YOU. I wish you live close to me, I would love to be your face to face friend! There are lots of people out there to make friends with. Just reach out where you can, sometimes it's in the oddest places.

Huge hugs!
We would have some fun that's for sure, I would love that !
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Old 03-31-2019, 06:25 AM
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Oh my goodness it is crazy town (the man with the shovel). I am so very thankful for choosing a to live my life a different life separate from the chaos. I have come to acceptance on AH although I must say I don't understand (with anyone not just AH) the inability or resistance to self reflect, but I have always been a person who thinks I can do better, have much to learn, etc. I guess I thought those qualities were natural human behavior but I guess they're not. I see my son making some choices that aren't the greatest and much like his momma he learns the hard way. He told me his plans and asked my opinion so I told him and asked some very hard questions that he had not thought of so he didn't really have an answer, then I told him that I hoped he thought about the questions I asked. Then I told him that he's an adult and he gets to choose how he wants to live I hope he thinks about what we talked about and "dives in" to those things. I told him it may not be what you want to hear but I will always tell you the truth, and I will always support your right to choose to live your life how you want to. My son appreciated the advice and told me he loved me and then ..........I actually have not worried about it since. Im guessing he's still going to make a questionable choice that could affect his life for a very long time, but who am I to say that isn't "his" path? I have also come to acceptance that maybe I stayed so long in this situation because it prepared me for all the craziness these last 2 years. I thought the 22 years was the horrible time but maybe it was boot camp for the real battle. So maybe that was "my" path. Who knows, but I gotta say this momma albeit stressed from divorce proceedings is very peaceful every place else. This too shall pass......it may pass like a kidney stone but it will pass eventually.
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Old 03-31-2019, 07:23 AM
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I really thought the survival instinct would trump all else even in someone with mental illness/alcoholism.
Denial and rationalization are the main psychological components of alcoholism. Some, a small percent, get and stay sober but the majority don't.
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Old 03-31-2019, 07:52 AM
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Originally Posted by dawnrising View Post
This too shall pass......it may pass like a kidney stone but it will pass eventually.
that's some painful truth right there! But true it is!




P.S. I too am questioning some of my adult childrens' choises... but it is such a peaceful feeling to just allow them to steer their own ships instead of trying to insert myself into their choices. Yay for dropping the codie rope!!!
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