Sad for the kids
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Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 21
Sad for the kids
Yesterday, my 15 yo DS told me about how he likes "happy" Dad. I asked him to explain to me and it went something like this-
Last Sunday, I took our 11 yo son shopping. 15yo was home with Dad. Dad went to the store to get chips. He came back (after two bottle of vodka) and proceeded to makesnacks and chat and watch a movie with son. Son said it was the "best time" he has had with his dad in a long time and that he was so funny and nice. I asked him if he knew that his dad had been intoxicated and he proceeded to tell me yes, BUT it was ok because he didn't yell or do anything bad.
Lord have mercy.
My heart is so sad. For the past few years of sobriety, their dad has pretty much ignored them. It was my "fault" he had to be sober and he was bitter. Now that he is relapsed, fun dad is back. The dad that lets them do whatever they want. I feel like I cannot win against him. The kids are just happy to get some positive attention and they really don't care that he is a drunk. I hate that he can't (wont) be this guy without the liquor.
I am making plans with a DV advocate to be out in a couple months. Until then I am just working to keep the peace and staying safe.
Last Sunday, I took our 11 yo son shopping. 15yo was home with Dad. Dad went to the store to get chips. He came back (after two bottle of vodka) and proceeded to makesnacks and chat and watch a movie with son. Son said it was the "best time" he has had with his dad in a long time and that he was so funny and nice. I asked him if he knew that his dad had been intoxicated and he proceeded to tell me yes, BUT it was ok because he didn't yell or do anything bad.
Lord have mercy.
My heart is so sad. For the past few years of sobriety, their dad has pretty much ignored them. It was my "fault" he had to be sober and he was bitter. Now that he is relapsed, fun dad is back. The dad that lets them do whatever they want. I feel like I cannot win against him. The kids are just happy to get some positive attention and they really don't care that he is a drunk. I hate that he can't (wont) be this guy without the liquor.
I am making plans with a DV advocate to be out in a couple months. Until then I am just working to keep the peace and staying safe.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
I hear you. My XAH is always a happy drunk. He’s always in a great mood after a drink. Quality time with the kids is only if he has a drink in his hand. TV, chatting on the sofa, bonfires in the garden, in the summer time hose pipe wars, time in the hot tub.. but always always ... he’s intoxicated. Any sober time he’s grumpy and impatient.
So the kids don’t understand why he can’t live with us anymore. Never mind that his 13yo son has had to switch the tv off every night and take a wine glass out of his hand after he’s passed out cold because he came to see why he hadn’t been up to say goodnight. Never mind that he has driven them drunk several times. Never mind that he nearly electrocuted our daughter by rigging up an extension lead in the bathroom on a wet floor so she could watch a movie whilst in the bath, whilst he passed out and left her! They don’t see or understand these things and it hurts to be the mean one, the kill joy or the grumpy moody mummy. But you are doing the right thing and they will see it for themselves one day and realise what you did was right for them and for your own sanity. Xxx
So the kids don’t understand why he can’t live with us anymore. Never mind that his 13yo son has had to switch the tv off every night and take a wine glass out of his hand after he’s passed out cold because he came to see why he hadn’t been up to say goodnight. Never mind that he has driven them drunk several times. Never mind that he nearly electrocuted our daughter by rigging up an extension lead in the bathroom on a wet floor so she could watch a movie whilst in the bath, whilst he passed out and left her! They don’t see or understand these things and it hurts to be the mean one, the kill joy or the grumpy moody mummy. But you are doing the right thing and they will see it for themselves one day and realise what you did was right for them and for your own sanity. Xxx
Last edited by RainingButtons; 03-28-2019 at 01:45 PM. Reason: Edit wording
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I'm sorry that's happening samlynn.
It's interesting, today I watched a bit of a movie called Hurt. It's about a disabled Canadian Steve Fonyo, who ran across Canada.
He is, however, also an addict. The part I watched was a conversation he had with Dr Gabor Mate - a world renowned expert on addictions.
They were discussing his childhood, Gabor asked him about his Dad. Steve said his Dad was great, his best friend. Gabor asked him, did your Dad drink - well yes but he wasn't a big drinker - maybe 3 times a week. Then he asks, did he talk to you? No. So - he wasn't really your best friend was he?
No.
Then he talked about the fear and the sadness and Gabor said to him, you have been running from that your whole life (Steve's Father had also beaten him twice). That's why you ran across Canada. Not to take away from the accomplishment but when you were done, did it feel good? No. Gabor stated that is because Steve is always looking outward for that acceptance, instead of inward so once the flag waving and accolades went away, so did Steve's happiness at his accomplishment.
He also mentioned that Steve was addicted to the fear and sadness, it's what he knows.
Anyway, when I read what you posted it reminded of that and it's funny, Steve, who is now a grown man (I'm guessing 40s or 50s) was completely taken aback, he had never looked at how it really was.
It's amazing what addiction can do to children and to all others involved.
It's interesting, today I watched a bit of a movie called Hurt. It's about a disabled Canadian Steve Fonyo, who ran across Canada.
He is, however, also an addict. The part I watched was a conversation he had with Dr Gabor Mate - a world renowned expert on addictions.
They were discussing his childhood, Gabor asked him about his Dad. Steve said his Dad was great, his best friend. Gabor asked him, did your Dad drink - well yes but he wasn't a big drinker - maybe 3 times a week. Then he asks, did he talk to you? No. So - he wasn't really your best friend was he?
No.
Then he talked about the fear and the sadness and Gabor said to him, you have been running from that your whole life (Steve's Father had also beaten him twice). That's why you ran across Canada. Not to take away from the accomplishment but when you were done, did it feel good? No. Gabor stated that is because Steve is always looking outward for that acceptance, instead of inward so once the flag waving and accolades went away, so did Steve's happiness at his accomplishment.
He also mentioned that Steve was addicted to the fear and sadness, it's what he knows.
Anyway, when I read what you posted it reminded of that and it's funny, Steve, who is now a grown man (I'm guessing 40s or 50s) was completely taken aback, he had never looked at how it really was.
It's amazing what addiction can do to children and to all others involved.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
samlynn...I am so glad to hear that you are working with a dv advocate. Of course, the boys like their dad to be "fun"....what kid wouldn't?
the thing is...and, I am sure you realize this, too...is that the boys are still kids...their brains are still in formation...so, that they can't see around the corners, yet and they don't always know what is best for their welfare. They have to depend on the adult that they can count on, for that....
Please don't let this be cause to second guess yourself....
I think that AutumnMama makes an excellent point.....
Even if he stays drinking and is "fun"....alcoholism is progressive, so the "fun" times come at a great cost, to them, in the overall...
You are doing the right thig for your boys...and, they will realize that, one day...they will.
In a kind of way what the boys say is not unlike what a lot of partners of active alcoholics say....."Sure he is drunk most of the time...but I can't leave because I miss the old him..and the good times we had...I don't want to give that up"...…
the thing is...and, I am sure you realize this, too...is that the boys are still kids...their brains are still in formation...so, that they can't see around the corners, yet and they don't always know what is best for their welfare. They have to depend on the adult that they can count on, for that....
Please don't let this be cause to second guess yourself....
I think that AutumnMama makes an excellent point.....
Even if he stays drinking and is "fun"....alcoholism is progressive, so the "fun" times come at a great cost, to them, in the overall...
You are doing the right thig for your boys...and, they will realize that, one day...they will.
In a kind of way what the boys say is not unlike what a lot of partners of active alcoholics say....."Sure he is drunk most of the time...but I can't leave because I miss the old him..and the good times we had...I don't want to give that up"...…
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
I use to be fun dad too, getting drunk with my kids and their friends. Their friends thought I was very cool. I had no problem telling my kids I loved them when drunk. When I became sober my kids told me they were hurt because I never told them I loved them when sober, I had to be drunk to tell them I loved them!! Now I tell them I love them every time I see them.
Sadly, drunk dad is like a new toy to a youngster. Things will change. Hopefully your husband will realize that he has a problem if he can only be lovable and nice when drunk. Life is too short.
Sadly, drunk dad is like a new toy to a youngster. Things will change. Hopefully your husband will realize that he has a problem if he can only be lovable and nice when drunk. Life is too short.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ahh yes. I am familiar with happy fun dad. My XAH was just that, until it progressed and he turned into vile, hateful dad. It goes in cycles still today, but my children have been educated and counseled enough to not engage with it. He is also forbidden to drink around them (that does not mean he does not try), but they immediately get away from him. It's very sad, you are right about that.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
My father was nice mellow Dad when he drank, but my mother who drank with him was a complete B. The novelty of their mood changes wore off very quickly as we got older. Your son will work this out, if he hasn't already.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Samlynn, I just relate to your post so so much, and to the replies. My ah is also the happy fun dad when drunk and the boys completely adore him. He tells stories, talks about all the awesome things they’re going to do, then he’s grumpy, short-fused, and irritable the next day and on.
This dynamic has been very confusing and unsettling for me over the years. I have felt like leaving would be so traumatic for the kids because they are so “close” with their dad. And they do love him of course, but I recently learned that they do also see this pattern and they are very aware of AH’s drinking problem.
I know I don’t need to prove how fun I am to gain their love, I don’t need to contrive these moods of closeness where the same stories get repeated, and I don’t need to promise fun times ahead that may or may not happen. I hope that as we move into our next chapter I can provide them a home with stability, peace, healthy food and activity choices, affection that is not guaged on alcohol intake or AH’s intake, thoughtful guidance, and love that is steady and constant. I think this is what we can offer our kids and the value of this kind of parenting has to be more nurturing than the ups and downs that come with the heavy drinking.
I hold hopes for peace and love for you and your family.
This dynamic has been very confusing and unsettling for me over the years. I have felt like leaving would be so traumatic for the kids because they are so “close” with their dad. And they do love him of course, but I recently learned that they do also see this pattern and they are very aware of AH’s drinking problem.
I know I don’t need to prove how fun I am to gain their love, I don’t need to contrive these moods of closeness where the same stories get repeated, and I don’t need to promise fun times ahead that may or may not happen. I hope that as we move into our next chapter I can provide them a home with stability, peace, healthy food and activity choices, affection that is not guaged on alcohol intake or AH’s intake, thoughtful guidance, and love that is steady and constant. I think this is what we can offer our kids and the value of this kind of parenting has to be more nurturing than the ups and downs that come with the heavy drinking.
I hold hopes for peace and love for you and your family.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
samlynn….Of course, in the end, the kids will see that you are doing the best thing for them.....when they are more grown up.....
Kids are kids....and, they want what they want, when they want it...
That is why it is our job to do what is best for them....
I do think that they will feel the relief, when they are out from under the same roof, with him.....most kids do, even if they do want their father's genuine attention. Keeping them in his house won't give it to them....
Kids are kids....and, they want what they want, when they want it...
That is why it is our job to do what is best for them....
I do think that they will feel the relief, when they are out from under the same roof, with him.....most kids do, even if they do want their father's genuine attention. Keeping them in his house won't give it to them....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by trailmix 
I'm sorry that's happening samlynn.
It's interesting, today I watched a bit of a movie called Hurt. It's about a disabled Canadian Steve Fonyo, who ran across Canada.
He is, however, also an addict. The part I watched was a conversation he had with Dr Gabor Mate - a world renowned expert on addictions.
They were discussing his childhood, Gabor asked him about his Dad. Steve said his Dad was great, his best friend. Gabor asked him, did your Dad drink - well yes but he wasn't a big drinker - maybe 3 times a week. Then he asks, did he talk to you? No. So - he wasn't really your best friend was he?
No.
Then he talked about the fear and the sadness and Gabor said to him, you have been running from that your whole life (Steve's Father had also beaten him twice). That's why you ran across Canada. Not to take away from the accomplishment but when you were done, did it feel good? No. Gabor stated that is because Steve is always looking outward for that acceptance, instead of inward so once the flag waving and accolades went away, so did Steve's happiness at his accomplishment.
He also mentioned that Steve was addicted to the fear and sadness, it's what he knows.
Anyway, when I read what you posted it reminded of that and it's funny, Steve, who is now a grown man (I'm guessing 40s or 50s) was completely taken aback, he had never looked at how it really was.
It's amazing what addiction can do to children and to all others involved.
It's interesting, today I watched a bit of a movie called Hurt. It's about a disabled Canadian Steve Fonyo, who ran across Canada.
He is, however, also an addict. The part I watched was a conversation he had with Dr Gabor Mate - a world renowned expert on addictions.
They were discussing his childhood, Gabor asked him about his Dad. Steve said his Dad was great, his best friend. Gabor asked him, did your Dad drink - well yes but he wasn't a big drinker - maybe 3 times a week. Then he asks, did he talk to you? No. So - he wasn't really your best friend was he?
No.
Then he talked about the fear and the sadness and Gabor said to him, you have been running from that your whole life (Steve's Father had also beaten him twice). That's why you ran across Canada. Not to take away from the accomplishment but when you were done, did it feel good? No. Gabor stated that is because Steve is always looking outward for that acceptance, instead of inward so once the flag waving and accolades went away, so did Steve's happiness at his accomplishment.
He also mentioned that Steve was addicted to the fear and sadness, it's what he knows.
Anyway, when I read what you posted it reminded of that and it's funny, Steve, who is now a grown man (I'm guessing 40s or 50s) was completely taken aback, he had never looked at how it really was.
It's amazing what addiction can do to children and to all others involved.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
samlynn......believe it or not, you are not losing and its not a competition. Children are so smart and annoying as it is to not be the "fun" one you are the one they can count on and that's what Long Lasting relationships are made of! They probably already know this especially at 15. When I was 15, I would have definitely preferred happy dad over regular dad no matter how he got there. The fact that your DS even used those words and knew that it was because he was intoxicated means he is well aware of the 2 personalities living in your home and that is amazingly wise. At that age no matter what is going on a 15 yr old thinks of themselves non stop (for my DD I knew when she wanted to have a mom/daughter day what she really wanted was a mom/daughter/creditcard, mom paying shopping day ) its simply teen behavior 101. Annoying but normal! Children crave boundaries and stability. Make no mistake you will be the one they call asking for help, wanting to talk, asking for advice - they know fun guy is temporary.
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