Two Questions...from a Rookie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Two Questions...from a Rookie
I have been wondering about two things lately about coming to terms with my search for sobriety:
1) When that urge hits you, how do you deal with it? I recognize it immediately and sometimes I am able to look at it and toss it away, but recently I have not been able to. My last "excuse" was that I am sad, lonely, depressed, single, blah blah there's always something. How were you able to override those stream of thoughts pushing you to drink "just one more time?"
2) How did you explain to people (friends, acquaintances, new friends, etc) that you have an issue and absolutely cannot drink? I am now able to have this conversation with my very close friends and family, but not everyone...
Any advice would be invaluable.
1) When that urge hits you, how do you deal with it? I recognize it immediately and sometimes I am able to look at it and toss it away, but recently I have not been able to. My last "excuse" was that I am sad, lonely, depressed, single, blah blah there's always something. How were you able to override those stream of thoughts pushing you to drink "just one more time?"
2) How did you explain to people (friends, acquaintances, new friends, etc) that you have an issue and absolutely cannot drink? I am now able to have this conversation with my very close friends and family, but not everyone...
Any advice would be invaluable.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 108
I know it’s a little cliche but playing the tape through always helped me through the cravings early on. What has booze done for you in the past? Is it worth the few minutes of euphoria? It’s a resounding nothing and no. As for the latter, I’ve found that most if not all folks are pretty understanding of your issue and some might find it admirable that you nipping it in the bud. Just my two cents. Good luck. It’s all worth it in the end.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
Hey there.
Great that you're here. These are my two cents.
1. You already know that you're making up excuses. That's a huge accomplishment. Also by now, you might have recognized which ones are the triggers that make you want to drink (whether a place, time, situation). At the beginning (I'm not sure this was the way it was supposed to be), I avoid them. E.G: If it's Friday and colleagues are having a beer, I run away, period.
2. Do you know something that has helped me? I've really never hidden it. And to be honest, when I tell people they barely care. I mean, I never go and introduce myself like "Hey, it's a pleasure to meet you, I'm a drunk". But if the topic comes up, just tell them you're a terrible drinker or a mean drunk (technically, this is also true). And unless they're alcoholics as well or very stupid people, they'll go like "okay" and that's it.
Great that you're here. These are my two cents.
1. You already know that you're making up excuses. That's a huge accomplishment. Also by now, you might have recognized which ones are the triggers that make you want to drink (whether a place, time, situation). At the beginning (I'm not sure this was the way it was supposed to be), I avoid them. E.G: If it's Friday and colleagues are having a beer, I run away, period.
2. Do you know something that has helped me? I've really never hidden it. And to be honest, when I tell people they barely care. I mean, I never go and introduce myself like "Hey, it's a pleasure to meet you, I'm a drunk". But if the topic comes up, just tell them you're a terrible drinker or a mean drunk (technically, this is also true). And unless they're alcoholics as well or very stupid people, they'll go like "okay" and that's it.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Nic,
Addiction resides in the emotional part of my brain. Getting and staying clean is in the analytical part.
It is a battle that initially is almost like a new challenge, but after a while gets old. That is when the battle really begins.
After nearly 4 years without being drunk I can't fight anymore. I don't fight the crave, I embrace the sobriety. I love being super clean.
I have some of my analysis to embrace sobriety in my signature.
The crave equates to brain damage. Everyone that drinks has it. Booze altered my dopamine production and I needed booze to be happiest.
It takes years to normalize and the whole time I crave. I still crave. I craved yesterday.
I defeat the crave with analysis.
The horrid results of drinking are too many to list, but the crave is strong and it hurts to resist.
The confidence of being a nondrinker now has changed my world. Things haven't been exceptionally successful, but I handle everything better.
The only way out was to suffer. Relapse and it starts over.
I am very proud to be a born again nondrinker. i hate booze.
Addiction is the only reason anyone drinks. The addiction is almost immediate and is progressive. There are levels of addiction. Trying to explain this to an active addict that has no desire to quit is a waste of time.
Level 1 addict drinks 1 or 2 drinks a few times a week or less. Folks call this normal. I call it level 1. Ifmthis person doesn't get their fix, they will suffer.
Level 100 drink a 1.5 liter of booze a day.
I defeat the crave with analysis.
Thanks.
Addiction resides in the emotional part of my brain. Getting and staying clean is in the analytical part.
It is a battle that initially is almost like a new challenge, but after a while gets old. That is when the battle really begins.
After nearly 4 years without being drunk I can't fight anymore. I don't fight the crave, I embrace the sobriety. I love being super clean.
I have some of my analysis to embrace sobriety in my signature.
The crave equates to brain damage. Everyone that drinks has it. Booze altered my dopamine production and I needed booze to be happiest.
It takes years to normalize and the whole time I crave. I still crave. I craved yesterday.
I defeat the crave with analysis.
The horrid results of drinking are too many to list, but the crave is strong and it hurts to resist.
The confidence of being a nondrinker now has changed my world. Things haven't been exceptionally successful, but I handle everything better.
The only way out was to suffer. Relapse and it starts over.
I am very proud to be a born again nondrinker. i hate booze.
Addiction is the only reason anyone drinks. The addiction is almost immediate and is progressive. There are levels of addiction. Trying to explain this to an active addict that has no desire to quit is a waste of time.
Level 1 addict drinks 1 or 2 drinks a few times a week or less. Folks call this normal. I call it level 1. Ifmthis person doesn't get their fix, they will suffer.
Level 100 drink a 1.5 liter of booze a day.
I defeat the crave with analysis.
Thanks.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
1) If you decide you want to be sober, then change your mind at the first urge, you aren't committed to sobriety. Not fully. What do you do with urges? Ignore them. Tell yourself, "No, I don't drink anymore!"
2) To people, tell them, "No, I don't drink anymore!"
2) To people, tell them, "No, I don't drink anymore!"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
NicLin, I am going to focus on what you said about being sad, lonely, depressed as a state, but really your AV will tell you that any reason is good enough an excuse to pick up.
There are a variety of strategies that people employ to ride through cravings, and I'm sure you'll get some feedback on some of those here.
But, as for the last reason, I fell into a perpetual state of feeling that way, and it became very deep and darker the more I continued to drink. If you want to not feel that way, drinking is not the way to go, it just feeds your negative self-image, right? I became exhausted by feeling this way and could not continue any longer living like that.
How about making one more time, just one more day of abstinence? It does get easier not to drink, even though you may have times where you feel like you'd want to, even strongly. That's when we bring in your arsenal of things that work for you to get past it. You're already well off in that you recognize the feelings that make you want to drink, that self-awareness can lead you to act against the urge instead of giving in to it.
There are people here better able to speak well to your second point, because it wasn't an issue for me to be around people that I had to explain my behavior to as being changed.
There are a variety of strategies that people employ to ride through cravings, and I'm sure you'll get some feedback on some of those here.
But, as for the last reason, I fell into a perpetual state of feeling that way, and it became very deep and darker the more I continued to drink. If you want to not feel that way, drinking is not the way to go, it just feeds your negative self-image, right? I became exhausted by feeling this way and could not continue any longer living like that.
How about making one more time, just one more day of abstinence? It does get easier not to drink, even though you may have times where you feel like you'd want to, even strongly. That's when we bring in your arsenal of things that work for you to get past it. You're already well off in that you recognize the feelings that make you want to drink, that self-awareness can lead you to act against the urge instead of giving in to it.
There are people here better able to speak well to your second point, because it wasn't an issue for me to be around people that I had to explain my behavior to as being changed.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
This thread is full of great advice for dealing with urges...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-cravings.html (CarolD's tips for cravings)
as the name suggests I particularly like Urge Surfing as a tool (its in that link)
How did I explain - I went through an initial phase of comosing great mental essays to explain why I wasn't drinking anymore but it was all a bit redundant really.
Anyone who knew me knew why I stopped.
Those who didn't just needed to know I was a non drinker.
No one was that into the ins and outs of my story.
You will probably feel the urge to spout forth an essay of your own - it's curious how we can feel ashamed of not drinking when our drinking was so obviously disastrous - but you don't need the essay, honesty.
I don't drink or (if you must) I don't drink anymore is all anyone needs to know NicLin
D
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-cravings.html (CarolD's tips for cravings)
as the name suggests I particularly like Urge Surfing as a tool (its in that link)
How did I explain - I went through an initial phase of comosing great mental essays to explain why I wasn't drinking anymore but it was all a bit redundant really.
Anyone who knew me knew why I stopped.
Those who didn't just needed to know I was a non drinker.
No one was that into the ins and outs of my story.
You will probably feel the urge to spout forth an essay of your own - it's curious how we can feel ashamed of not drinking when our drinking was so obviously disastrous - but you don't need the essay, honesty.
I don't drink or (if you must) I don't drink anymore is all anyone needs to know NicLin
D
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Great questions!
I echo what Hope and Dee said in particular.
I just had the conversation with a friend about selfishness v selfcare - and mainly that the latter is crucial for us, especially as we get started in sobriety, and that includes not worrying what others think.
I personally chose to be in a very small circle of only supporters, for quite awhile- and as I expanded it, I did it gradually, again with only supporters and I didn't hesitate to say "no." My first sponsor in AA told me "no is always a complete sentence." While I believe in whatever white lies are necessary if you need something more than no - but my acceptance that I didn't drink was most important....and like others said, people don't care...if they do, they likely have some issue themselves.
Glad you are here.
I echo what Hope and Dee said in particular.
I just had the conversation with a friend about selfishness v selfcare - and mainly that the latter is crucial for us, especially as we get started in sobriety, and that includes not worrying what others think.
I personally chose to be in a very small circle of only supporters, for quite awhile- and as I expanded it, I did it gradually, again with only supporters and I didn't hesitate to say "no." My first sponsor in AA told me "no is always a complete sentence." While I believe in whatever white lies are necessary if you need something more than no - but my acceptance that I didn't drink was most important....and like others said, people don't care...if they do, they likely have some issue themselves.
Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,164
I attended meetings every night. That was not the only thing I did to deal with cravings. They are too complex for a single solution strategy. But meetings played big for me. I needed to be around sober people, a place I could report to every night. Early on I would hear myself saying in my head after work, "I just need to get to tonight's meeting, and then I'll be good for another day."
Now meetings were only a hour and over by 9:00PM, so there was still lots of time to get sloshed, but the meetings acted like a short term 24 hour vaccination. This bridged the time it took for the cravings to stop bothering me. Once at that point, I could probably get on with my life, but just to make sure, I did the 90 meetings in 90 days thing. After that, I could get on without them, but I kept going because I liked that nightly meeting of the sober minds. I just enjoyed doing this, and since I was no longer drinking, it would have been disingenuous to tell myself, I didn't have the time. Hell, I had 8 hours of free time every night, when I wasn't drinking.
Now meetings were only a hour and over by 9:00PM, so there was still lots of time to get sloshed, but the meetings acted like a short term 24 hour vaccination. This bridged the time it took for the cravings to stop bothering me. Once at that point, I could probably get on with my life, but just to make sure, I did the 90 meetings in 90 days thing. After that, I could get on without them, but I kept going because I liked that nightly meeting of the sober minds. I just enjoyed doing this, and since I was no longer drinking, it would have been disingenuous to tell myself, I didn't have the time. Hell, I had 8 hours of free time every night, when I wasn't drinking.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
For me, playing that tape forward was really effective when I had a desire to pick up in early sobriety. It was a strategy I learned in treatment. I had made such an utter mess of my life, and just about every time I drank I did something I regretted, so it was easy for me to mentally come up with a scenario for what would probably happen if I were to drink, and those scenarios were never good.
I still have an occasional twinge of wanting to drink. Right away, I go to that tape - I say to myself - OK, go ahead and have that drink - then what happens? At the very least, drink too much and get a hangover the next day. At the worst, another DUI, possibly hurt or kill someone or myself. And everything in between. That kills the urge within seconds, usually.
I still have an occasional twinge of wanting to drink. Right away, I go to that tape - I say to myself - OK, go ahead and have that drink - then what happens? At the very least, drink too much and get a hangover the next day. At the worst, another DUI, possibly hurt or kill someone or myself. And everything in between. That kills the urge within seconds, usually.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Here's my 1 cent NL. I'm in the early days so it's pretty real to me.
I just chalk up the cravings as my brain doing what it is used to doing and that it will pass and with every time I don't drink I'm rewiring. When the craving or thought hits, I visualize my brain doing it's job healing. Doesn't make it go away but it always passes eventually. Trust me. There have been a few times I have almost used my car steering wheel as a teething ring. At those times, I play the story out. That sad story always ends up with me still feeling sad, lonely, depressed even more x 10. We just have to trust it gets better like everyone who has done it says it does. It will. I know it will. I've been sober before so I know for a fact it does. You deserve to find that out yourself too so keep going.
I'm fortunate since all the people in my life aren't big drinkers so I can let the subject of not drinking come up when it's appropriate. I gave myself a little time before I came out. Everyone is just happy for me and supportive. I drank alone so it wasn't a big deal really. I spared them watching me self-destruct for the most part. If I had big drinkers in my life, I am pretty sure I would just need to let them know I need some space. And would probably end up moving on from them. I am old so I know that their are lots of reasons people come and go in your life and not all reasons are bad ones. Sometimes we all just move on.
Sad, lonely, and depressed can be a bitch but the only chance I have of not living that way is to quit drinking so I'm giving myself that chance.
You can do it. Stick around and do what you need to do!
xoxo
I just chalk up the cravings as my brain doing what it is used to doing and that it will pass and with every time I don't drink I'm rewiring. When the craving or thought hits, I visualize my brain doing it's job healing. Doesn't make it go away but it always passes eventually. Trust me. There have been a few times I have almost used my car steering wheel as a teething ring. At those times, I play the story out. That sad story always ends up with me still feeling sad, lonely, depressed even more x 10. We just have to trust it gets better like everyone who has done it says it does. It will. I know it will. I've been sober before so I know for a fact it does. You deserve to find that out yourself too so keep going.
I'm fortunate since all the people in my life aren't big drinkers so I can let the subject of not drinking come up when it's appropriate. I gave myself a little time before I came out. Everyone is just happy for me and supportive. I drank alone so it wasn't a big deal really. I spared them watching me self-destruct for the most part. If I had big drinkers in my life, I am pretty sure I would just need to let them know I need some space. And would probably end up moving on from them. I am old so I know that their are lots of reasons people come and go in your life and not all reasons are bad ones. Sometimes we all just move on.
Sad, lonely, and depressed can be a bitch but the only chance I have of not living that way is to quit drinking so I'm giving myself that chance.
You can do it. Stick around and do what you need to do!
xoxo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Early on I made not drinking my #1 priority. Everything else was secondary. I sometimes went to bed at 6PM just to avoid drinking. I told myself that if I wanted sobriety, I'd have to stay sober no matter what.
As far as telling people, I didn't at first. Over time people noticed I would not drink alcohol and I casually told them that I was laying off of it for awhile. I also avoid a lot of situations involving alcohol. No wedding receptions, very few happy hours. Never go out to a bar only establishment.
As far as telling people, I didn't at first. Over time people noticed I would not drink alcohol and I casually told them that I was laying off of it for awhile. I also avoid a lot of situations involving alcohol. No wedding receptions, very few happy hours. Never go out to a bar only establishment.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
1) I would try to get outside and walk to fight a craving. I also depended on music a lot. The main thing is that the cravings will lessen as you continue your journey.
2) I don't tell people that I don't drink alcohol. I have found that 'No, thanks' works very well.
2) I don't tell people that I don't drink alcohol. I have found that 'No, thanks' works very well.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
When I got sober for good, I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.
I just tell people, I don't drink. If they ask why, I just tell them that I used to drink and didn't like what it did to me.
I just tell people, I don't drink. If they ask why, I just tell them that I used to drink and didn't like what it did to me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by NicLin 
Any advice would be invaluable.
2- My "problem" wasn't going to hide anymore, as I was on my death bed in the hospital, and everyone knew it was my liver. I was yellow as a banana....can't really hide it at that point. After I was doing better, I did have a few people ask "are you still doing the no alcohol thing, or are you better now?"
At that point, I made it clear. Verbally, and on my Facebook, I put it all out there.
"I have a drinking problem. I'm an alcoholic, and an addict. I am dying from my addiction. I accept that. However, I'm not dead yet. Right now, I am living, and I am in recovery. I will never drink again, and if I do, I will die. I am not broken, I'm not crazy, and I'm not an unhinged lunatic desperate for my next drink. I have this under control, and am doing this for myself. When you are around me, please just be yourself. Be normal. Drink if you want. It does not bother me. If you have any questions, ask. I am an open book, and am not ashamed. I've said it once and I'll say it again. Sobriety is my biggest life accomplishment, and I'm proud."
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Get help (could be SR alone).
Get into a program (could be SR alone, could be AVRT, could be AA, could be your minister, could be anything). Make yourself accountable.
I made the following four lists with my IOP group, it helped immensely:
The Pros of Drinking
The Cons of Drinking
The Pros of Not Drinking
The Cons of Not Drinking.
Play the tape forward, and go through the above list. Is what could happen to you if you start drinking worth whatever it is you'll get out of that drink?
Follow the like Dee put up. Dee also coined a great phrase, urge surfing. We also learned this technique in outpatient rehab. When you get a craving, don't pretend it doesn't exist and don't fight it. Fighting it just makes it bigger than it really is. Instead, look at the craving in a completely neutral and exploratory manner, analyze it, how it feels, what it brings up, possible associations with your past. Under this kind of scrutiny the craving goes from this powerful irresistible force to this pathetic little weak thing, I think of it as a worm or a dead twig. It's just a craving.
And talk about it some more with people also in recovery. A never-addict simply won't understand, unless they've been trained, and even then I wonder.
Tell people you don't drink. If they ask why, tell some form of truth. Truth doesn't have to be "I'm an alcoholic and had medical detox and rehab," which in my case is a truth. So is "I just don't like it or want to anymore." Or "for health reasons." New friends are easy, they didn't know you when you were a drinker. I just had lunch with an old work colleague, I've told her I don't drink for the above reasons. She was complaining about her husband not being there because he had to see his brother who is in rehab. Like she's not put two-and-two together about me, and I was a huge wine collector, among other things.
Get into a program (could be SR alone, could be AVRT, could be AA, could be your minister, could be anything). Make yourself accountable.
I made the following four lists with my IOP group, it helped immensely:
The Pros of Drinking
The Cons of Drinking
The Pros of Not Drinking
The Cons of Not Drinking.
Play the tape forward, and go through the above list. Is what could happen to you if you start drinking worth whatever it is you'll get out of that drink?
Follow the like Dee put up. Dee also coined a great phrase, urge surfing. We also learned this technique in outpatient rehab. When you get a craving, don't pretend it doesn't exist and don't fight it. Fighting it just makes it bigger than it really is. Instead, look at the craving in a completely neutral and exploratory manner, analyze it, how it feels, what it brings up, possible associations with your past. Under this kind of scrutiny the craving goes from this powerful irresistible force to this pathetic little weak thing, I think of it as a worm or a dead twig. It's just a craving.
And talk about it some more with people also in recovery. A never-addict simply won't understand, unless they've been trained, and even then I wonder.
Tell people you don't drink. If they ask why, tell some form of truth. Truth doesn't have to be "I'm an alcoholic and had medical detox and rehab," which in my case is a truth. So is "I just don't like it or want to anymore." Or "for health reasons." New friends are easy, they didn't know you when you were a drinker. I just had lunch with an old work colleague, I've told her I don't drink for the above reasons. She was complaining about her husband not being there because he had to see his brother who is in rehab. Like she's not put two-and-two together about me, and I was a huge wine collector, among other things.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Lots of good advice. My 2 cents = urge surfing + playing the tape through. Two hugely helpful techniques in early sobriety and, turns out, two ways of being a better person in life in general.
As to the second question, it's something I worried a lot about before I got sober - I think sometimes I used it as (one of many) excuses to keep drinking. Truth is you have to find what's comfortable for you - and it won't come right away. For some it's easier than others - for many of us alcohol abusers, worry about what others think about us plays a big part in our lives. I tell people "I'm not a big drinker" these days when I meet them in a social environment - it's an understatement (I'm a ZERO drinker) but it's also not untrue, and it's an easy way to just not have a conversation about it. In re friends and family, I've just let the situations develop organically - besides my wife and, one day, my children, no one has the right or need to know why I make my life decisions. It's not that it's something to be ashamed of for me - I am just more private than other people are.
Anyhow, great thoughts - it will only aid you going forward to work these things out - on the other hand, don't let the second concern keep you from quitting.
As to the second question, it's something I worried a lot about before I got sober - I think sometimes I used it as (one of many) excuses to keep drinking. Truth is you have to find what's comfortable for you - and it won't come right away. For some it's easier than others - for many of us alcohol abusers, worry about what others think about us plays a big part in our lives. I tell people "I'm not a big drinker" these days when I meet them in a social environment - it's an understatement (I'm a ZERO drinker) but it's also not untrue, and it's an easy way to just not have a conversation about it. In re friends and family, I've just let the situations develop organically - besides my wife and, one day, my children, no one has the right or need to know why I make my life decisions. It's not that it's something to be ashamed of for me - I am just more private than other people are.
Anyhow, great thoughts - it will only aid you going forward to work these things out - on the other hand, don't let the second concern keep you from quitting.
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