How does this end?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
How does this end?
I’m almost a year after official divorce and this man continues to make my life hell. He has limited child custody which, in his eyes, I am FULLY to blame for.
He has financial issues because he has essentially decided he didn’t like his first bachelors degree field so wants a new one. So he is NOT working and going to school full time. AND his baby momma is pregnant. Court wasn’t tolerant of it and he still owes me child support at this point. Which is also my fault of course.
Stupid things like he wants to completely switch weekends going forward because it works better for his girlfriends schedule. I was willing to switch the weekends I could but told him I already have plans and cannot switch ALL at this point. I’m the huge B.
Our order gives him one week night day every two weeks. It just says “midweek visit” and defines the times. He feels like he should fully have the right to pick what day that is. When I say no, it doesn’t work like that he tells me we will handle it in court.
He still makes me miserable and stresses me out. He threatens court action ALL of the time when he doesn’t get his way. And sometimes he acts on it which hasn’t worked in his favor, but still leads to me paying boatloads of $$. He has his whole family and some previously mutual friends completely against me thinking I’m scum on earth. He bully’s and threatens and files complaints and blackmails.
This is not who I am or how I operate or the life/relationship with him that I want. It just seems like unless he is fully getting his way and is not subjected to any consequences of his actions, is the only time he will cooperate.
What am I doing wrong? How do people live like this?
He has financial issues because he has essentially decided he didn’t like his first bachelors degree field so wants a new one. So he is NOT working and going to school full time. AND his baby momma is pregnant. Court wasn’t tolerant of it and he still owes me child support at this point. Which is also my fault of course.
Stupid things like he wants to completely switch weekends going forward because it works better for his girlfriends schedule. I was willing to switch the weekends I could but told him I already have plans and cannot switch ALL at this point. I’m the huge B.
Our order gives him one week night day every two weeks. It just says “midweek visit” and defines the times. He feels like he should fully have the right to pick what day that is. When I say no, it doesn’t work like that he tells me we will handle it in court.
He still makes me miserable and stresses me out. He threatens court action ALL of the time when he doesn’t get his way. And sometimes he acts on it which hasn’t worked in his favor, but still leads to me paying boatloads of $$. He has his whole family and some previously mutual friends completely against me thinking I’m scum on earth. He bully’s and threatens and files complaints and blackmails.
This is not who I am or how I operate or the life/relationship with him that I want. It just seems like unless he is fully getting his way and is not subjected to any consequences of his actions, is the only time he will cooperate.
What am I doing wrong? How do people live like this?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
They make firm boundaries.
It kind of sounds like he is calling all the shots here. Now, I don't mean to say you are not standing up for yourself, you absolutely are.
You are trying to be reasonable, that's how you would like this to be and ideally, that would really be terrific. But unfortunately that's not going to be, at least not for now.
That whole conversation about his gf's schedule and the weekends - I would have just said no - just no. I would not give him an inch. In doing that (because he has just decided to be demanding) he now thinks he can get you by just pushing for everything he can, including choosing the week day on his own. Any reasonable person would know this should be an agreed on day by the two of you.
Bottom line, don't give him an inch. I would renege on the weekend changes right away.
Is it possible that you could get the court to clarify about the week day visit, to specify a day?
It kind of sounds like he is calling all the shots here. Now, I don't mean to say you are not standing up for yourself, you absolutely are.
You are trying to be reasonable, that's how you would like this to be and ideally, that would really be terrific. But unfortunately that's not going to be, at least not for now.
That whole conversation about his gf's schedule and the weekends - I would have just said no - just no. I would not give him an inch. In doing that (because he has just decided to be demanding) he now thinks he can get you by just pushing for everything he can, including choosing the week day on his own. Any reasonable person would know this should be an agreed on day by the two of you.
Bottom line, don't give him an inch. I would renege on the weekend changes right away.
Is it possible that you could get the court to clarify about the week day visit, to specify a day?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Even if it isn't supervised visitation, I am sure you can tell him, OK take me to court. I don't know if you would even need an attorney. I think you can just tell the judge that you would like it to be put down clearly what weekends, and what mid week day. You aren't really there to argue anything, you really just want it spelled out for you and for him.
What I can see hear is that he may be trying to threaten you with going to court, and it costing you money. I would call his bluff. If he ever gets to the point of contempt of court, yes, get a lawyer, there should be an indemnity clause in your divorce papers, and that might have him covering your lawyer fees.
((((hugs))))
amy
I will also see if I can find the indemnity clause in my divorce papers and post it here so you know what to look for.
What I can see hear is that he may be trying to threaten you with going to court, and it costing you money. I would call his bluff. If he ever gets to the point of contempt of court, yes, get a lawyer, there should be an indemnity clause in your divorce papers, and that might have him covering your lawyer fees.
((((hugs))))
amy
I will also see if I can find the indemnity clause in my divorce papers and post it here so you know what to look for.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Can you ask your lawyer to seek legal fees from your ex?
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Originally Posted by amy55
I'd like to know first, is this supervised visitation? because it does sound like it.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Originally Posted by Mango212
Prayer changes everything.
What is your support system like right now? (((((hugs)))))
What is your support system like right now? (((((hugs)))))
I have some key people that are great. But the bad times still feel like they hit hard.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by batchel9
Supervised every other weekend, but he gets them 4 hours every other week for a “midweek visit” unsupervised (however Soberlink is mandated).
Your ex actually gets to see them more often than my daughter gets to see her children.
Since it is supervised visitation and Soberlink involved, I would just call his bluff and tell him to take me to court. The judge is not going to look at him in a good light.
I can also understand that since it is supervised visitation that you might be "walking on eggshells", I was also with my ex, but once I started standing up for myself, it got easier and easier to do this.
((((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by batchel9
I have some key people that are great. But the bad times still feel like they hit hard.[/left]
The only way to deflate a bully is to stand up to them, tried and true. Unfortunately in your situation that may mean money for lawyers.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
batchel9, I want to tell you a story. It's my story, and hopefully it can be inspirational to you.
I was in an abusive relationship. I was afraid to do anything in the house. Whatever I did was wrong. I started to sleep in the garage because I was too afraid to be in the house.
I finally left , I didn't want a divorce, I wanted him to go back and treat me like he did a few years ago when I was going through cancer. I thought at that time that when he felt that he was going to lose me, that he was able to see that he loved me. Well that didn't work.
So, going through the divorce I found this terrific attorney. We are still friends to this day. I was so weak and she was strong for me. She got me everything that I needed to start a new life.
The thing is, in my divorce, a government pension was involved. I already received one, but my ex was still working, and it had to be divided at the time he retired, also I had agreed to sign off of survivors benefits and agreed to accept an equivalent in life insurance benefits. So there were a few things that needed to be dealt with after the divorce.
First thing that came up was my ex retired. He went to a pension evaluator that wrote up something that totally benefited my ex. He had this sent to my attorney who was not representing me at the time and she forwarded this to me. I called my attorney about this, and I told her that this didn't look right, that I did computations for a living, and that my ex was trying to screw me. My attorney told me that since I did not hire her, that she is giving me a free consultation. She told me that if I hired her, she would have to send this to a different pension evaluator and that would be about $600, plus her hourly time, and she told me that she thinks that I could handle this by myself,and that if I needed and legal advise but not representation that she would help me, this way she wouldn't have to charge me.
It was about a 4 month battle about this pension division, but I won.
Then 2 months ago, my ex started to try to battle the amount of life insurance he needed to hold for me. I gave him all the figures, and told him, if he didn't agree, that he should contact an attorney.. He dropped it.
It's like I do have an attorney who is now a friend of mine, but this attorney pushed me into standing up for myself, and I can never thank her enough for that.
I did not have this attorney on speed dial for all that I was going through, I just told her how things ended.
The reason why I wanted to tell you this is because I had someone who believed in me, who saw the strength that I did have but was afraid to show it or for it to come out.
I believe in you, and you do have the strength to end this. You need to believe in yourself. You need to let him say that he will take you to court, and you need to say OK, I'll see you there. I can almost guarantee you that he won't, but I can't be sure of that, but if he does, I can see you in court, stating your reasons, and your objections, and your reasonable request for the court to please just set an exact day of the week and exact weekends, and that you would comply with those.
I really think once you do this by yourself, that you will not back down again.
((((((hugs)))))
amy
I was in an abusive relationship. I was afraid to do anything in the house. Whatever I did was wrong. I started to sleep in the garage because I was too afraid to be in the house.
I finally left , I didn't want a divorce, I wanted him to go back and treat me like he did a few years ago when I was going through cancer. I thought at that time that when he felt that he was going to lose me, that he was able to see that he loved me. Well that didn't work.
So, going through the divorce I found this terrific attorney. We are still friends to this day. I was so weak and she was strong for me. She got me everything that I needed to start a new life.
The thing is, in my divorce, a government pension was involved. I already received one, but my ex was still working, and it had to be divided at the time he retired, also I had agreed to sign off of survivors benefits and agreed to accept an equivalent in life insurance benefits. So there were a few things that needed to be dealt with after the divorce.
First thing that came up was my ex retired. He went to a pension evaluator that wrote up something that totally benefited my ex. He had this sent to my attorney who was not representing me at the time and she forwarded this to me. I called my attorney about this, and I told her that this didn't look right, that I did computations for a living, and that my ex was trying to screw me. My attorney told me that since I did not hire her, that she is giving me a free consultation. She told me that if I hired her, she would have to send this to a different pension evaluator and that would be about $600, plus her hourly time, and she told me that she thinks that I could handle this by myself,and that if I needed and legal advise but not representation that she would help me, this way she wouldn't have to charge me.
It was about a 4 month battle about this pension division, but I won.
Then 2 months ago, my ex started to try to battle the amount of life insurance he needed to hold for me. I gave him all the figures, and told him, if he didn't agree, that he should contact an attorney.. He dropped it.
It's like I do have an attorney who is now a friend of mine, but this attorney pushed me into standing up for myself, and I can never thank her enough for that.
I did not have this attorney on speed dial for all that I was going through, I just told her how things ended.
The reason why I wanted to tell you this is because I had someone who believed in me, who saw the strength that I did have but was afraid to show it or for it to come out.
I believe in you, and you do have the strength to end this. You need to believe in yourself. You need to let him say that he will take you to court, and you need to say OK, I'll see you there. I can almost guarantee you that he won't, but I can't be sure of that, but if he does, I can see you in court, stating your reasons, and your objections, and your reasonable request for the court to please just set an exact day of the week and exact weekends, and that you would comply with those.
I really think once you do this by yourself, that you will not back down again.
((((((hugs)))))
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by amy55
batchel9, I want to tell you a story. It's my story, and hopefully it can be inspirational to you.
I was in an abusive relationship. I was afraid to do anything in the house. Whatever I did was wrong. I started to sleep in the garage because I was too afraid to be in the house.
I finally left , I didn't want a divorce, I wanted him to go back and treat me like he did a few years ago when I was going through cancer. I thought at that time that when he felt that he was going to lose me, that he was able to see that he loved me. Well that didn't work.
So, going through the divorce I found this terrific attorney. We are still friends to this day. I was so weak and she was strong for me. She got me everything that I needed to start a new life.
The thing is, in my divorce, a government pension was involved. I already received one, but my ex was still working, and it had to be divided at the time he retired, also I had agreed to sign off of survivors benefits and agreed to accept an equivalent in life insurance benefits. So there were a few things that needed to be dealt with after the divorce.
First thing that came up was my ex retired. He went to a pension evaluator that wrote up something that totally benefited my ex. He had this sent to my attorney who was not representing me at the time and she forwarded this to me. I called my attorney about this, and I told her that this didn't look right, that I did computations for a living, and that my ex was trying to screw me. My attorney told me that since I did not hire her, that she is giving me a free consultation. She told me that if I hired her, she would have to send this to a different pension evaluator and that would be about $600, plus her hourly time, and she told me that she thinks that I could handle this by myself,and that if I needed and legal advise but not representation that she would help me, this way she wouldn't have to charge me.
It was about a 4 month battle about this pension division, but I won.
Then 2 months ago, my ex started to try to battle the amount of life insurance he needed to hold for me. I gave him all the figures, and told him, if he didn't agree, that he should contact an attorney.. He dropped it.
It's like I do have an attorney who is now a friend of mine, but this attorney pushed me into standing up for myself, and I can never thank her enough for that.
I did not have this attorney on speed dial for all that I was going through, I just told her how things ended.
The reason why I wanted to tell you this is because I had someone who believed in me, who saw the strength that I did have but was afraid to show it or for it to come out.
I believe in you, and you do have the strength to end this. You need to believe in yourself. You need to let him say that he will take you to court, and you need to say OK, I'll see you there. I can almost guarantee you that he won't, but I can't be sure of that, but if he does, I can see you in court, stating your reasons, and your objections, and your reasonable request for the court to please just set an exact day of the week and exact weekends, and that you would comply with those.
I really think once you do this by yourself, that you will not back down again.
((((((hugs)))))
amy
I was in an abusive relationship. I was afraid to do anything in the house. Whatever I did was wrong. I started to sleep in the garage because I was too afraid to be in the house.
I finally left , I didn't want a divorce, I wanted him to go back and treat me like he did a few years ago when I was going through cancer. I thought at that time that when he felt that he was going to lose me, that he was able to see that he loved me. Well that didn't work.
So, going through the divorce I found this terrific attorney. We are still friends to this day. I was so weak and she was strong for me. She got me everything that I needed to start a new life.
The thing is, in my divorce, a government pension was involved. I already received one, but my ex was still working, and it had to be divided at the time he retired, also I had agreed to sign off of survivors benefits and agreed to accept an equivalent in life insurance benefits. So there were a few things that needed to be dealt with after the divorce.
First thing that came up was my ex retired. He went to a pension evaluator that wrote up something that totally benefited my ex. He had this sent to my attorney who was not representing me at the time and she forwarded this to me. I called my attorney about this, and I told her that this didn't look right, that I did computations for a living, and that my ex was trying to screw me. My attorney told me that since I did not hire her, that she is giving me a free consultation. She told me that if I hired her, she would have to send this to a different pension evaluator and that would be about $600, plus her hourly time, and she told me that she thinks that I could handle this by myself,and that if I needed and legal advise but not representation that she would help me, this way she wouldn't have to charge me.
It was about a 4 month battle about this pension division, but I won.
Then 2 months ago, my ex started to try to battle the amount of life insurance he needed to hold for me. I gave him all the figures, and told him, if he didn't agree, that he should contact an attorney.. He dropped it.
It's like I do have an attorney who is now a friend of mine, but this attorney pushed me into standing up for myself, and I can never thank her enough for that.
I did not have this attorney on speed dial for all that I was going through, I just told her how things ended.
The reason why I wanted to tell you this is because I had someone who believed in me, who saw the strength that I did have but was afraid to show it or for it to come out.
I believe in you, and you do have the strength to end this. You need to believe in yourself. You need to let him say that he will take you to court, and you need to say OK, I'll see you there. I can almost guarantee you that he won't, but I can't be sure of that, but if he does, I can see you in court, stating your reasons, and your objections, and your reasonable request for the court to please just set an exact day of the week and exact weekends, and that you would comply with those.
I really think once you do this by yourself, that you will not back down again.
((((((hugs)))))
amy
I want to coparent and I want to be able to work with him and talk to him about the kids etc and we are pretty far from this. And I just don’t see it getting better. Even when he loses in court, he still seems to think he can be a bully. There are definite control issues right now. I obviously have the kids more and he has supervised /Soberlink parenting time at this point but he still likes to grasp st everything he can.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
Ironclad boundaries. I would be working on getting every last nitpicky detail spelled out in a court order, and then sticking to the order like glue. Communication via email/parenting software only. I'm sorry you're dealing with a bully. The only way to shut it down is to have solid boundaries, a clear legal order, and as little contact as possible.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
batchel, how are you doing this morning? Do you have some plans for extra self-care today? 
You've been through a lot and you seem to be doing very well.
There are many ways to pray, believe and open heart and mind to guidance, knowledge and help.
It creates space for changes. Prayer invites curiosity.
You've been through a lot and you seem to be doing very well.
There are many ways to pray, believe and open heart and mind to guidance, knowledge and help.
It creates space for changes. Prayer invites curiosity.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The court did side with you. Let him blow all the hot air he wants to blow.
Eventually you will see it all for the quack it is. Maintain your boundaries, and block him anytime you are not required to communicate (such as when your child is there). Don't engage no matter how mad it makes you and no matter what you think you need to say.
Huge hugs.
Eventually you will see it all for the quack it is. Maintain your boundaries, and block him anytime you are not required to communicate (such as when your child is there). Don't engage no matter how mad it makes you and no matter what you think you need to say.
Huge hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I ended it by getting a restraining order. Even though my ex never abused me physically, I was able to get a restraining order based on the following: he was often aggressive (punching holes in walls, breaking down doors); he threatened to "eff me up" if I broke up with him; he endangered our daughter when she was a baby (sleeping with her while intoxicated, leaving her on the changing table unattended); and he threatened to take our baby to a different state.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1
Responding
hi - I have never written on this board but I read it a lot, I usually just post on Alanon forums but I wanted to write because this is so similar to my situation and I have felt so broken down and like I would never be free. I am in a very similar situation with my ex. He is relentless and it is still a struggle.
one thing I read that helped - you can’t coparent with a narcissist- google coparenting with a narcissist and there is a lot of info there! This helps, you parallel parent and that is it. Not ideal but for this situation it is required and will help keep you out of this.
secondly just make the rules - “midweek visit” equals he tells you by Monday which day it is, or some other reasonable rule that you can follow, no judge would hold that against you. Be consistent and don’t get pulled into answering questions or defending yourself. Limit your contact! Block his number - filter emails into a folder where he doesn’t pop up into your life all the time. If he writes an angry novel respond with a single line about the relevant info and move on. Keep a log of everything - when you have offered to coordinate and how it has gone badly and how has jerked you around.
This is so hard BUT don’t listen to the threats that is the biggest piece of the puzzle. You can’t control if he takes you to court again - so let it go. Do your best and do your part but if you let him control you with that fear you can’t be free. Hope this helps! Be strong!
one thing I read that helped - you can’t coparent with a narcissist- google coparenting with a narcissist and there is a lot of info there! This helps, you parallel parent and that is it. Not ideal but for this situation it is required and will help keep you out of this.
secondly just make the rules - “midweek visit” equals he tells you by Monday which day it is, or some other reasonable rule that you can follow, no judge would hold that against you. Be consistent and don’t get pulled into answering questions or defending yourself. Limit your contact! Block his number - filter emails into a folder where he doesn’t pop up into your life all the time. If he writes an angry novel respond with a single line about the relevant info and move on. Keep a log of everything - when you have offered to coordinate and how it has gone badly and how has jerked you around.
This is so hard BUT don’t listen to the threats that is the biggest piece of the puzzle. You can’t control if he takes you to court again - so let it go. Do your best and do your part but if you let him control you with that fear you can’t be free. Hope this helps! Be strong!
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