healthyagain

Hello everyone,

I have not posted on here for a looooong time, mainly because the alcoholic drama does not exist in my life anymore. Well at least not the active drama.

I am still very much into the idea of recovery. About a month ago, I bought The Courage to Change book, and I am reading it and loving it, not so much because the issue of alcoholism (I divorced in 2015), but because it touches so many different aspects of my life, telling me that it is ok to slow down and love myself and be gentle and kind to myself. It is almost like a how-to-live manual, things that noone ever told me.

But, I discovered something that is rather confusing, and I am wondering if you noticed the same. And I do not know how to put it, but have you noticed in your recovery that your strength, your assertiveness almost serve as a repellent? Since I started applying the Al-Anon life philosophy, it is like all the masks disappeared (this now mainly applies to my family of origin), it is like being honest and genuine really bugs people.

Also, when you try to detach from people and their problems (and let's say there is no addiction involved), it is almost as if they get insulted when you want to step away (or you do not give them a piece of advice they wanna hear).

I am just really really wondering. Have you noticed this?

Awal

He's I've noticed this too. People only tend to respond d on here if you put something negative on. Positive comments are practically ignored x

djlook

I think it's because the AA and Alanon design for living gets us out of the problem and into the solution, and some people want to stay in the problem because it's more exciting. My mother died loving the drama and the chaos that alcoholics create and the excitement of living with them. She found me very boring after I got into recovery. So, yeah, I can relate. Since they don't know anything about the programs of recovery, it's easier for them to just look at us as do-gooders or saints or know-it-alls. You just keep doing what you're doing. I love that book too. I'm in both, AA and Alanon. They're beautiful programs.

Dandelion12

Awesome post. Yes its actually been a huge stumbling block for me.

When we chage we upset the status quo for some.

Its still bery difficult because people dont like boundaries.

healthyagain

Yes, that is exactly how it feels! The status quo got upset, and the reaction is like shockingly blown out of proportions. Now, with my alcoholic ex husband, it was easy, because I could always blame everything on addiction. But there is no alcohol at all this time. And I would think that people should be happy I am like this now? Because, it seriously took like ages to reach this point.

Dandelion12

Yup, this is where I get stuck. They want you be healthy and happy as long as they are not put out in any way shape or form.

Control.

so much involved here but we just need to grow enough to sey firm boundaries and expect that those who truly love and respect us will be there and the rest will fall away.

Theres no end to it. Its just life.

PeacefulWater12

I have encountered this too. People wanted me to stay in a certain role. When I learnt via my program that the role I was in was sick and then I changed it, they did not like this one bit. I stopped being their doormat, enabler etc.

I love what you say about Courage for Change being like an how to live manual.

I feel that too with Al-anon and AA literature. They are the guides to how to live a healthy life that I wasn't able to learn growing up as my parents didn't have the knowledge to teach me.

I think a lot of people want drama and fuss. Rollercoaster life styles. They want people around them who act the same way.

Nice job on working your program.

AnvilheadII

it's called Push Back/Change Back. everybody has their assigned role in the system - and dysfunctionally functions. no big surprises, status quo, and nobody has to do any type of self examination or make changes.

then one of the members of the system DOES make changes....and it throws the entire system out of balance. and is seen as a threat. then Push Back is activated.....must return errant member who dares defy the status quo to the fold. OR banish them.

this doesn't require active addiction. but it can be a leftover or inheritance of early addiction in earlier generations. truly the gift that keeps on giving. you don't see what you see, you see what we TELL you to see. you only know what we allow you to know. there are no problems here. and if there are any acknowledged problems, they stay within the group. we DO NOT let anyone outside of the group know.

so actually the negative reaction of others when we are growing and changing in positive ways is a good thing. it means we are breaking free and no longer indoctrinated.

Eauchiche

I wish I had a way to quote both Peacefulwaters AND Anvilhead. Ditto to you both.

I too was very well loved when I was a people-pleasing doormat who would take any old thing someone wanted to dish out.

Changing away from this leaves a whole group of people in our wake who are initially confused. Some of those got quite angry at the changes in my life, especially the temerity to express my opinions.

Would I ever go back? Hell no.

hearthealth

You start standing up for yourself and your values. They now have the problem. They never had someone who spoke up for themselves. I got labelled names for saying no or not this way. They now have to deal with a change to their circumstances, me. H didn't take me serious at first and for awhile. Then realized I'm different. They need to accept my needs or not. It's not my circus if they don't accept my choices.

trailmix

Interesting take on it. I find when people post positive remarks it's usually a statement rather than asking for experience or comment (which kind of makes sense I guess).

I really like to see the positive posts but I think mostly they just stand on their own a lot of the time - how do you see it?

I think it would be great if people elaborated more. This is where I am AND this is how I got here. Although, many times their stories are already documented, so I understand that too.

NYCDoglvr

Well, sure. When we no longer act like a doormat some people get mighty irked indeed. But I also learned I want people I can honestly relate to in my life and really don't care about those I don't. Great work!!

Eauchiche

I can express opinions now in a diplomatic way, but can be extremely blunt on occasion.

I used to seek out people I could put on a pedestal and worship. ONLY their opinions mattered. I never expressed my own opinions unless they agreed with my worshipees. I was raised to be like that. My family of origin used emotional manipulation to control others, and any pushback from me resulted in a blowup.

I got tired of stuffing opinions and emotions and being resentful over it 100% of the time. I drank.

To aid in recovery, I severed ties with what was left of my family of origin.

My struggles today include trying to avoid being drawn into drama. I had customers yesterday who were angry parents. It was a struggle to not let my buttons be pushed. The lady especially tried every tactic she could muster to rile me.

I detached. I acted professionally. I said "goodbye."

Not too many years ago, I would have been a bowin' and a scapin'.

healthyagain

Yes, you all got it, but Anvilhead, you nailed it! I'll be reading your post over and over again!

dawnrising

Yes I have noticed this healthy again! But I went into it fully expecting a little push back (a little ramping up on the behavior) , people don't like change and I trained them well for so many years that I would accept certain things or jump in and try to fix things, so I imagine its gonna take awhile for the "retraining" to take hold, that I mean what I say.

CRRHCC

Being emotionally honest is always scary for people. Addicts especially but people in general escape their emotions. Your presentation of your honest feelings is important. One must avoid an I am good, you are bad demeanor. (not implying that is what you did).

Keep being your humble self.

dandylion

This reminds me of the example of crabs in a deep pot.....when one of them trues to escape from the pot, all the others grab at it, and pull it back in.....

hopeful4

THIS!!! Amen!

velma929

I'm probably guilty of this, as someone who's doing well doesn't need help or shoring up or reassurance.

I don't know about confidence being n actual repellent. I would suspect that many people are wary of change - even positive change. And something else: when someone is confident and sure of him/her self and open, it makes it easier to decide if you are a good fit, friend or relationship-wise. I tend to like *all* honest people, for instance. But someone who honestly has a lifestyle incompatible with my own will *still* be someone I will give wide berth to.

FireSprite

^This is my FOO completely. They spend ALL of their energy trying to pull me back down instead of listening to a single recovered word I say.

They do not know how to interact with me now & it's all my fault/my problem. To consider it all beyond that means they have to examine their own roles & dysfunction but that's not palatable. Instead they believe I'm just "so angry" & that I've changed in negative, damaging ways. It's easier for them to believe.