Waves of shame
Sick n tired
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
Waves of shame
Three weeks. No cravings as such but a lot of intrusive thoughts and shocking revelations about how much I risked every time I picked up. Sweeping feelings of shame and disgust and shock around my behaviour and total delusion about how damaging alcohol is to my life. Thought of a drink makes e feel feel physically sick today. Must get on my step 5 soon as I’m finding my self feeling haunted by my lack of common sense thinking I could control the alcohol. Next step for me is to accept the past and work towards accepting the harsh reality of the person I become in active drink. Long long way to go in accepting my past and bad choices I made when my mind was clouded by alcohol. I do not ever want to go back there the darkness anxiety and self hate self destruction is shocking me today like waves of nausea and shame and guilt. Thank god for SR and AA
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,021
Eve
You are not alone in these feelings. I have as yet to meet any recovering alcoholic who did not experience overwhelming waves of negativity at their past behaviour.
My opinion is you need to forgive yourself for the past.
Imagine if you told a good friend about your alcoholism and your past behaviour as a result of it. What would they say ? If it was me, I would say you were under the grips of a powerful addiction that caused you to behave in abnormal ways. And it was definitely abnormal. If it was your normal way of behaving, i.e., the real authentic you, then why would you feel shame, disgust or shock ? So, its important to acknowledge that your alcoholic self is not the authentic you and hence, your past actions under the influence of alcohol is not a reflection of the authentic you. It is the addiction that caused the shameful acts.
As well, the past is exactly that. We cant undo it. We can only move in one direction. Forward. Clean your side of the street and act with the best of intentions towards others. Leave the emotional baggage (but not the lessons) of the past behind. It does not benefit you, it does not benefit your loved ones, it does not benefit anyone who interacts with you. What benefits everyone is a happy and contented you. My opinion is to strive for that.
You are not alone in these feelings. I have as yet to meet any recovering alcoholic who did not experience overwhelming waves of negativity at their past behaviour.
My opinion is you need to forgive yourself for the past.
Imagine if you told a good friend about your alcoholism and your past behaviour as a result of it. What would they say ? If it was me, I would say you were under the grips of a powerful addiction that caused you to behave in abnormal ways. And it was definitely abnormal. If it was your normal way of behaving, i.e., the real authentic you, then why would you feel shame, disgust or shock ? So, its important to acknowledge that your alcoholic self is not the authentic you and hence, your past actions under the influence of alcohol is not a reflection of the authentic you. It is the addiction that caused the shameful acts.
As well, the past is exactly that. We cant undo it. We can only move in one direction. Forward. Clean your side of the street and act with the best of intentions towards others. Leave the emotional baggage (but not the lessons) of the past behind. It does not benefit you, it does not benefit your loved ones, it does not benefit anyone who interacts with you. What benefits everyone is a happy and contented you. My opinion is to strive for that.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
To train your mind to go in a positive direction, try practicing gratitude every day. 
It really changed my attitude and made me happier too.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
It really changed my attitude and made me happier too. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Eve, this is the truly hard part and you're going to get through it and you'll be fine. It was really hard for me to stop and look at what I had done and who I had become. I understand the waves of shame and guilt. Use those emotions to move yourself forward. Don't allow them to pull you down. And, above all, remember you never have to feel this way again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Eve, those feelings are normal.
No need to rush through the feelings. I found that they faded. You will be ok. Remember that you are doing the right thing now. Three weeks is a wonderful accomplishment.
No need to rush through the feelings. I found that they faded. You will be ok. Remember that you are doing the right thing now. Three weeks is a wonderful accomplishment.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
I have to agree with what everyone has already said. I do remember going through exactly this. I was sober, but feeling so bad and remorseful about things I had done while drinking. I did feel better about things after I did my 5th step. And then again after step 9. But don't rush things too much - it takes time and effort to do a really good and thorough 4th step. That having been said, you can always do another one later after some time has gone by and you have gained more insight, which you definitely will. I understand the strong desire to move past the guilt and shame and remorse, I really do. It was excruciating at about that 3-4 week point, and I wanted the pain to just go away. It took time. It took work. It took going to meetings (and treatment, for me) and sharing my story and seeing that I wasn't alone. It took keeping my side of the street clean and showing myself and those around me who I REALLY am, and that that person could be trusted (unlike the person I became when I drank).
You'll get there. Don't let that pain overwhelm you - easier said than done, I know. Take careful note of how you feel now, maybe write it down in detail so you can re-visit it later if you ever think drinking is a good idea. For me, remembering that feeling of self-loathing is all the incentive I need to remain sober.
You'll get there. Don't let that pain overwhelm you - easier said than done, I know. Take careful note of how you feel now, maybe write it down in detail so you can re-visit it later if you ever think drinking is a good idea. For me, remembering that feeling of self-loathing is all the incentive I need to remain sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 21
Eve,
In my treatment class last night the counselor discussed the difference between shame and guilt. She explained it as there are two different people - the you using alcohol and the you now. The you now can is separate from the other person. You can have some guilt over the things that you did and remember them but know that is not you now. Shame is when you associate the two people (alcohol you and you now) as the same person. This hinders our recovery.
I can't express it the same way she did but hopefully you get the just.
I also think there should be another word for guilt that means "I did those things, I wish I hadn't, but its in the past and I will never be that person again."
In my treatment class last night the counselor discussed the difference between shame and guilt. She explained it as there are two different people - the you using alcohol and the you now. The you now can is separate from the other person. You can have some guilt over the things that you did and remember them but know that is not you now. Shame is when you associate the two people (alcohol you and you now) as the same person. This hinders our recovery.
I can't express it the same way she did but hopefully you get the just.
I also think there should be another word for guilt that means "I did those things, I wish I hadn't, but its in the past and I will never be that person again."
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