Let them be-backoff?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Let them be-backoff?
In the AA book it says to back off the alcoholic...
so when someone you love is spiraling down, do we just let go and let God even if it means they die alone?
son is spiraling down so fast. Fearing he will die of alcohol poisoning or self harm this weekend. He lives across the country alone. Is not reaching out to his sober friends for help just drinking alone. Has an appointment on Monday about rehab but until then he is really bad.
That rehab doesn't do intakes on weekends so going there now is not an option.
He is telling so many lies that one has no clue what is going on with him. He is really delusional. I called for a welfare check 2 weeks ago and the police said there was nothing wrong just smelled of booze and they can't do anything about that. My husband has been talking to him twice a day for the past few days and we have another person checking in on him. He seemed to be getting it together but then yesterday was really bad again.
The contacts I have in his state that know his situation tell me to let him be and he needs to reach out and get the help he needs. What if he deosn't want to get help and wants to die? Is that where I let God take over? I guess if he dies, that was Gods plan.
My counselor tells me that my son is in extreme mental pain. The fact that he continued to drink heavily while on the vivitrol shot shows that his is more mental.
Please pray for my son. I just want the son I once knew to have a chance at life again.
so when someone you love is spiraling down, do we just let go and let God even if it means they die alone?
son is spiraling down so fast. Fearing he will die of alcohol poisoning or self harm this weekend. He lives across the country alone. Is not reaching out to his sober friends for help just drinking alone. Has an appointment on Monday about rehab but until then he is really bad.
That rehab doesn't do intakes on weekends so going there now is not an option.
He is telling so many lies that one has no clue what is going on with him. He is really delusional. I called for a welfare check 2 weeks ago and the police said there was nothing wrong just smelled of booze and they can't do anything about that. My husband has been talking to him twice a day for the past few days and we have another person checking in on him. He seemed to be getting it together but then yesterday was really bad again.
The contacts I have in his state that know his situation tell me to let him be and he needs to reach out and get the help he needs. What if he deosn't want to get help and wants to die? Is that where I let God take over? I guess if he dies, that was Gods plan.
My counselor tells me that my son is in extreme mental pain. The fact that he continued to drink heavily while on the vivitrol shot shows that his is more mental.
Please pray for my son. I just want the son I once knew to have a chance at life again.
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I can't remember the context of "Back off the alcoholic..." in the Big Book, and the context would help shed more light on the meaning. Also, remember that the Big Book is not the final authority on alcoholism, it's treatment, causes, or how non alcoholics should engage.
The description of your son is of a person who is beyond your influence. I empathize with your frustration, but I can't offer anything that might help the situation.
The description of your son is of a person who is beyond your influence. I empathize with your frustration, but I can't offer anything that might help the situation.
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hummingbird, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain this must cause you. Please stay close for support and understanding.
I hope more than anything that your son finds the will to come through this. I do believe, however, that neither you nor anyone else is able to give that to him. You have done so much for him, you have given beyond your means already, and yet his path has still led him here. We want so badly to believe we can help and save others; it is so hard to accept that sometimes people we love simply do not want to be helped, that they do not want to be saved.
I also believe that if he does find what he needs inside himself to come through this, he will be so much stronger for it. Sending strength to you.
I hope more than anything that your son finds the will to come through this. I do believe, however, that neither you nor anyone else is able to give that to him. You have done so much for him, you have given beyond your means already, and yet his path has still led him here. We want so badly to believe we can help and save others; it is so hard to accept that sometimes people we love simply do not want to be helped, that they do not want to be saved.
I also believe that if he does find what he needs inside himself to come through this, he will be so much stronger for it. Sending strength to you.
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Originally Posted by hummingbird358 
The contacts I have in his state that know his situation tell me to let him be and he needs to reach out and get the help he needs. What if he deosn't want to get help and wants to die? Is that where I let God take over? I guess if he dies, that was Gods plan.
When I left my qualifier, I figured I could die with him or I could live. I chose to live. I would think this is so much harder with a child than a significant other and at the time, it felt like doing open heart surgery on myself without anesthesia.
I don't doubt for a moment Hummingbird that your pain level is off the charts.
Keep posting, praying and take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I don't think any of us here can tell you what to do, hummingbird. I do pray for your son and for all alcoholics and addicts who still suffer.
It is entirely up to you if you continue to go out to see him--to make sure he is ok, to patch him up until the next time he spirals out of control. Lather, rinse, repeat. It is torture on us, really, when we love someone who is so self-destructive.
For many of us, it comes down to whose life are we going to save? The alcoholic's or our own. Try as I might, I have never been able to "save" an alcoholic in my family. As I continued to try, I realized two things--I was treating them as if they were completely incapable of doing anything for themselves, and I was losing my life right along with them.
I can't find it right now, but it's like that story "The Bridge". You are standing on a bridge 100 feet above a raging river, and someone who has a rope tied around their waist walks up to you and hands you the free end of that rope. Then--they jump off the bridge! You, panicked and worried, are holding on to the end of the rope with all your might. You brace yourself against the side of the bridge as best you can. You yell to the person "Climb up the rope--I can't hold on much longer!!". The person yells back "You have to hold on! I'll fall to my death if you let go!! It will be your fault!!"
What do you do? Try to hold on and get dragged over the edge of the bridge to your death trying desperately to save someone who is that self-destructive? Who tries to make it your responsibility? Or, do you let go and save yourself leaving the person to their choice? One life lost--two lives lost?
I have no answer to these questions--but this is the situation in which an active addict or alcoholic we love places us.
My late husband and I decided to let go. My stepson is still alive, but I suppose it isn't a great life.
I pray for him every day.
He doesn't speak to me.
My stepdaughter doesn't talk about him although they are in touch.
It's all I can do--and I have learned to accept it even though it does hurt some days.
Whatever you decide to do, we will support you. Please stick close for support and to vent and cry whenever you need to do so
It is entirely up to you if you continue to go out to see him--to make sure he is ok, to patch him up until the next time he spirals out of control. Lather, rinse, repeat. It is torture on us, really, when we love someone who is so self-destructive.
For many of us, it comes down to whose life are we going to save? The alcoholic's or our own. Try as I might, I have never been able to "save" an alcoholic in my family. As I continued to try, I realized two things--I was treating them as if they were completely incapable of doing anything for themselves, and I was losing my life right along with them.
I can't find it right now, but it's like that story "The Bridge". You are standing on a bridge 100 feet above a raging river, and someone who has a rope tied around their waist walks up to you and hands you the free end of that rope. Then--they jump off the bridge! You, panicked and worried, are holding on to the end of the rope with all your might. You brace yourself against the side of the bridge as best you can. You yell to the person "Climb up the rope--I can't hold on much longer!!". The person yells back "You have to hold on! I'll fall to my death if you let go!! It will be your fault!!"
What do you do? Try to hold on and get dragged over the edge of the bridge to your death trying desperately to save someone who is that self-destructive? Who tries to make it your responsibility? Or, do you let go and save yourself leaving the person to their choice? One life lost--two lives lost?
I have no answer to these questions--but this is the situation in which an active addict or alcoholic we love places us.
My late husband and I decided to let go. My stepson is still alive, but I suppose it isn't a great life.
I pray for him every day.
He doesn't speak to me.
My stepdaughter doesn't talk about him although they are in touch.
It's all I can do--and I have learned to accept it even though it does hurt some days.
Whatever you decide to do, we will support you. Please stick close for support and to vent and cry whenever you need to do so
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Thank you everyone. We are not going to fly out, we are not sending money, etc. It just really hurts. I feel like I am almost allowing him to commit suicide and it kills me as his mother. I know he is in extreme pain. I know he is an alcoholic and this is his disease progressing. It still hurts. The boy I raised is in there somewhere. He doesn't see him anymore and the pain is taking over. He constantly is trying to get into a relationship and I know why. He wants someone to take care of him. He refuses to follow the recommendations and does it "his way". Lashes out when he doesn't get his way and drinks himself to oblivion when a girl pulls away.
I am trusting God and if he takes him home then at least my son is free from pain. I really don't remember "my son" . It has been a long time since I seen him. I know he is in there somewhere lost. My heart aches but God will take care of him. I need to trust.
I feel like those that know what is going on feel I am not being a mom and not helping him. I can't do anymore than what I have already done.
I found a place near us that does long term care... $7500 a month... Tells me I should fly out and bring him home. I can't afford that amount. Like you all say, if he wants to get sober he will. This guy tells me he can't do it and won't get out of the cycle. I lost hope. Only time will tell. Please pray.
I am trusting God and if he takes him home then at least my son is free from pain. I really don't remember "my son" . It has been a long time since I seen him. I know he is in there somewhere lost. My heart aches but God will take care of him. I need to trust.
I feel like those that know what is going on feel I am not being a mom and not helping him. I can't do anymore than what I have already done.
I found a place near us that does long term care... $7500 a month... Tells me I should fly out and bring him home. I can't afford that amount. Like you all say, if he wants to get sober he will. This guy tells me he can't do it and won't get out of the cycle. I lost hope. Only time will tell. Please pray.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Fly out there and bring him home? I would stop talking to the $7500.00 a month guy, personally.
What is he even thinking, that you are going to drag your grown son on to a plane kicking and screaming, that makes absolutely no sense.
Have you looked at having your Son sectioned? I don't know if he meets the criteria but I would certainly discuss it with one of the Mental Health professionals you trust.
https://www.rethink.org/carers-famil...sectioned-mean
What is he even thinking, that you are going to drag your grown son on to a plane kicking and screaming, that makes absolutely no sense.
Have you looked at having your Son sectioned? I don't know if he meets the criteria but I would certainly discuss it with one of the Mental Health professionals you trust.
https://www.rethink.org/carers-famil...sectioned-mean
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Originally Posted by hummingbird358
The boy I raised is in there somewhere. He doesn't see him anymore and the pain is taking over. I lost hope. Only time will tell. Please pray.
I wish there was something else you could do but those of us that have been around addiction/alcholism know that your are doing the most effective and most difficult thing . . . staying out of it. And yeah, he may not weather this.
Hugs and prayers.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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There is something in the state he lives that we could file that would involuntarily commit him to 7 months of treatment. We would have to complete paperwork, write statements as to events that have occurred and then submit it to the court in his city. If he would contest it, then we would have to fly there and appear in court to present our case as to why we think he should be committed.
Thank you all for your prayers and advice.
Thank you all for your prayers and advice.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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I'm so sorry, Hummingbird. I can tell you and your husband are INCREDIBLE parents----your love and concern for your son pours out of your posts.
The $7500 guy is working a scam. Don't listen to him anymore.
It sounds like he's been in rehabs, treatment centers etc. a lot so, he knows the drill and has the tools to get well. You and your husband have given him every opportunity.
It really is completely up to him now.
This is a parent's worst nighmare.
Many, many prayers for your family.
The $7500 guy is working a scam. Don't listen to him anymore.
It sounds like he's been in rehabs, treatment centers etc. a lot so, he knows the drill and has the tools to get well. You and your husband have given him every opportunity.
It really is completely up to him now.
This is a parent's worst nighmare.
Many, many prayers for your family.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Originally Posted by hummingbird358
If he would contest it, then we would have to fly there and appear in court to present our case as to why we think he should be committed.
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The contacts I have in his state that know his situation tell me to let him be and he needs to reach out and get the help he needs. What if he deosn't want to get help and wants to die? Is that where I let God take over? I guess if he dies, that was Gods plan.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Sounds like you are already doing and have done your fair share. After a certain point adult children are on their own. Especially if they chose a path that is known for it's detrimental effects.
Until he really really wants to change or get sober having someone force the issue or having him appease someone else chances of success or will be minimal. He must really want it himself.
Hoping for good news.
Hang in there!
Until he really really wants to change or get sober having someone force the issue or having him appease someone else chances of success or will be minimal. He must really want it himself.
Hoping for good news.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
hummingbird,
I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I know first-hand how frightening this is, as we live this with our son, too. There have been several times durng this past year that police and ambulances calls have been needed and yet still, he continued on the self destructive path. In February, he checked himself into a rehab and is doing a 90 day program. This is his third rehab stint and the longest. I really believe he does not want to die from drinking. But I have no clue as to whether he will stay sober. I pray every day for his deliverance from this horrible dis-ease. Today I lift up your son, also. May he find the strength to get the help he needs and climb out of the dark pit.
I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I know first-hand how frightening this is, as we live this with our son, too. There have been several times durng this past year that police and ambulances calls have been needed and yet still, he continued on the self destructive path. In February, he checked himself into a rehab and is doing a 90 day program. This is his third rehab stint and the longest. I really believe he does not want to die from drinking. But I have no clue as to whether he will stay sober. I pray every day for his deliverance from this horrible dis-ease. Today I lift up your son, also. May he find the strength to get the help he needs and climb out of the dark pit.
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Thank you all for your prayers. I still do not speak to my son. I feel terrible inside but I know I need to step away and let him be. He and I are toxic. As soon as I hear his voice I start shaking inside and the conversation escalates because I am sick of hearing every excuse there is for not going to meetings or getting help.... He has money for booze, tattoos, etc but not for an uber to go to an AA meeting...
He is till off of work on Short term disability. Got paperwork signed by the doctor at rehab and he didn't make him get treatment.... I am so disgusted. He weaseled his way out of it again by smooth talking.
I fear when he goes back to work he won't have the same position he had before. This is week 5 now. He has missed so much time since last June that his supervisor has to be disgusted.
He is day 3 sober he told his dad.
Thank you again for the prayers. I so want him to do a longterm program but he fights everything. Plus I honestly don't know how I would afford a 90 day program or longterm one. I know they say to let him pay for it but how would he afford that as well? I go to a parents meeting 2 times a month and when I hear how much they spent I lose hope. These parents put their addict in places in Florida at the tune of $10,000-$15,000 a month and they were there for 10-14 months! There is no way.
I am trying to be strong and keep positive thoughts. I just know how this usually goes... I know God has a plan and I need to trust him.
He is till off of work on Short term disability. Got paperwork signed by the doctor at rehab and he didn't make him get treatment.... I am so disgusted. He weaseled his way out of it again by smooth talking.
I fear when he goes back to work he won't have the same position he had before. This is week 5 now. He has missed so much time since last June that his supervisor has to be disgusted.
He is day 3 sober he told his dad.
Thank you again for the prayers. I so want him to do a longterm program but he fights everything. Plus I honestly don't know how I would afford a 90 day program or longterm one. I know they say to let him pay for it but how would he afford that as well? I go to a parents meeting 2 times a month and when I hear how much they spent I lose hope. These parents put their addict in places in Florida at the tune of $10,000-$15,000 a month and they were there for 10-14 months! There is no way.
I am trying to be strong and keep positive thoughts. I just know how this usually goes... I know God has a plan and I need to trust him.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Keep in mind no amount of money can make someone sober. There are probably just as many success stories out of AA and the Salvation Army services.
Glad he is at least taking a few days off drinking, every bit helps.
You know, you might want to consider documenting everything and getting the paperwork for sectioning in his state. Fill it out. At least if you decide to go with it you won't be scrambling at the last minute. It costs nothing to fill it out.
It may also help give you clarity as to why you have gone no contact and help you see this as a good thing, for both of you.
Glad he is at least taking a few days off drinking, every bit helps.
You know, you might want to consider documenting everything and getting the paperwork for sectioning in his state. Fill it out. At least if you decide to go with it you won't be scrambling at the last minute. It costs nothing to fill it out.
It may also help give you clarity as to why you have gone no contact and help you see this as a good thing, for both of you.
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hummingbird.....I really hate to hear that you start shaking when you hear your son's voice. I hate to say this, but, I think that you need to be frugal with your monies, because you may be needing it for your own health care...with PTSD, perhaps, being at the top of the list....
The amount of worry and stress that you have been under...for years, takes it's toll on your body....and, it is not just ptsd and the anxiety disorders...but, the other organ systems of the body, also...especially the cardiovascular system and the immune system...
I cannot imagine how you and your husband have any days of relaxation or joy, with your lives totally focused on one thing...your son's drinking.
I am not saying to not love your son....(you know me well enough, by now to know that I am not saying that)…..I am saying that you may need to learn how to love him from a distance. Many parents have had to learn to do this....because, in adulthood, with their Free Will, parents can no longer control the actions of their children. Basically, we get the privilege of raising them to adult hood...and, then, they take over their own destiny....because they will make their own decisions....for the better, sometimes,,,and for worse, sometimes.
hummingbird...if you don't know the serenity prayer....read it...and keep a copy of it in your purse and by your bedside....and let it become your comfort....
The amount of worry and stress that you have been under...for years, takes it's toll on your body....and, it is not just ptsd and the anxiety disorders...but, the other organ systems of the body, also...especially the cardiovascular system and the immune system...
I cannot imagine how you and your husband have any days of relaxation or joy, with your lives totally focused on one thing...your son's drinking.
I am not saying to not love your son....(you know me well enough, by now to know that I am not saying that)…..I am saying that you may need to learn how to love him from a distance. Many parents have had to learn to do this....because, in adulthood, with their Free Will, parents can no longer control the actions of their children. Basically, we get the privilege of raising them to adult hood...and, then, they take over their own destiny....because they will make their own decisions....for the better, sometimes,,,and for worse, sometimes.
hummingbird...if you don't know the serenity prayer....read it...and keep a copy of it in your purse and by your bedside....and let it become your comfort....
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