Aliceiw

Hi there -- I am an alcoholic from a long line of alcoholics. My parents were alcoholics and I was in a 30 year marriage with an alcoholic whose parents were alcoholics. I stopped drinking and haven't had anything for 8 months. I'm so grateful to have stopped and I've built a healthy, positive new life for myself.

I'm worried, however, about my son. I have two children, 19 and 26. My son is the elder one. I know that my alcoholism puts them in danger of becoming alcoholics themselves, but my daughter who lives in Texas with me is determined that she will never drink. My son, however, is a different story. He was an honor student and actually used to be a member of Athletes helping Athletes giving talks to younger students about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. That has all changed now.

Last month he was arrested for trying to break into a random home in my ex's neighborhood. He was so bombed and blacked out that he thought he was at home and locked out. The owner of the house held him at gunpoint until the police arrived. He was charged with DWI because it was evident he's driven there himself. I have no idea how.

Because he had just gotten a new job, we hoped that his license would be revoked and limited to driving to work only, but we were shocked and horrified to learn that that wouldn't be possible as this was his second DWI. He never told his father or me about the first. He's going to have to wear a bracelet that won't allow him to drink at all, and he'll have to take random drug tests. Whether or not he will lose his license remains to be seen. The thing is, He's very blase' about all of this and doesn't believe he has a drinking problem In my years of drinking I never got a DWI or drove while intoxicated -- I think that getting not one, but two DWIs is highly indicative of a very bad problem. I'm so thankful that he didn't kill someone else or himself.

A few days ago he posted a picture on Instagram of himself with his friends, all of them drunk, with a caption joking about their drinking and the hangovers they were bound to have. I hit the roof. I don't know how to reach him now. On one hand, my own drinking may make me seem like a hypocrite in his eyes, but at the same time, the fact that I've been a drunk gives me insight and understanding about what he's going through. I wish I could convince him to go to a counselor or there=apist at the very least, but he is adamant that he is just fine. I'm hoping the realisation that he's NOT fine doesn't come with a tragic price.

Does anyone else have children who have begun abusing alcohol? I have to say I'm kind of surprised at my son. Back when I drank I always told both of my children how miserable it is to be addicted and I warned them to be aware because of their genetic heritage. Both of them always said that they would never drink because they saw what it did to me. I am looking for some way to reach him and get him into some kind of treatment. Any suggestions?

suki44883

I am sorry about your son, Alice, but you have been here long enough to know that we cannot help someone who doesn't believe they need help. At 26 years old, he knows the story. He knows help is out there and what to do to get that help if he wants it. At this point in time, it appears he doesn't believe he needs it. There's not much you can say to him that will change his mind. Perhaps wearing the ankle monitor and being subjected to random drug testing will, in time, cause him to re-think things. Perhaps not.

Have you considered Alanon meetings for yourself? You need your own support right now and alanon will help you.

Aliceiw

Thanks Sukki -- I don't think I could handle going to Alanon meetings. I would feel too miserable and hypocritical knowing that I was one of those who caused pain to others through my drinking.

Yes, I am very hopeful that the bracelet and drug tests will help. I won't shed tears if he loses his license either. He needs more than a slap on the wrist at this point.

ChloeRose63

Do you go to AA meetings?
At some point you are going to need to let go of needing to fix him so it does not destroy your recovery. Sorry to hear of your situation. Hope he has a wake up call before something terrible happens.

FallenAngelina

Lots of people are in both programs because most alcoholics also have (or have had) problem drinkers in their lives. AlAnon is not a "bitch about the alcoholic and my woes" program. Judging from your description of your worry and your extreme focus on your son, AlAnon would be a great fit for you. I encourage you to look deeper than your assumptions and go meet people who are involved in both programs - there are so many.

ChloeRose63

Great post.

dandylion

Alice.....as the mother of an alcoholic son....who went through some of the same things, at your son's age....I am going to say this to you---Do not enable him, in any way. As a mother, I know that you will lose much of your objectiiivity and operate from a mother's heart. Resist that. Do not let him in your house, if he has been drinking...and, never...never...let him live in your house, again....no matter what his sob story is...If he has to live under a bridge...that is his problem to solve.
You must never shield him from the natural consequences of his drinking. He must become responsible for his own welfare …..
Unless you are helping him get to an AA meeting or get into rehab. or some such thing...If/whenever he wants it...
If you have insurance that pays for treatment...If not...AA has a wonderful free program...there is help there, 24/7, if he wants it. There are, also, other free programs, out there.....
Don't fall into the trap of going into great debt, out of your own pockets. I have seen so many parents do that, to their own demise....when they wanted the kid to get sober more than the kid did.
Now, you may already know all of this...and, maybe, I am preaching to the choir....lol....But, I felt it needed to be said....
As a mother, my heart goes out to you....I knowhow hard this is...
I do suggest that you give alanon a try so that you can detach from the need to enable or rescue him....which almost every mother has, in the beginning....

Aliceiw

Thank you for all of the good advice. I'm wondering: He says he doesn't have a problem, but it seems to me that he does. What do you think?

FallenAngelina

Doesn't matter what he thinks. AlAnon is for you.

SparkleKitty

Most of us came here look for a way to get through to our loved ones about our concerns for them. Accepting that they have every right to live their lives as they please, and not as we please, is not an easy journey. Your son has all of the information he needs to make an informed decision about his drinking. He's 26 years old, an adult by every measure.

nez

What worked for you and got you to the point where Congrats on your sobriety. Use your experience at stopping drinking to your advantage as it contains a wealth of information and will provide many answers.

Aliceiw

What helped me most was leaving my ex, moving to TX and coming here. I'm very grateful for this forum. I don't think I'd have gotten sober as painlessly as I did if it hadn't been for the wonderful members of the August 2018 support group. They're an awesome group.

I've asked my son to use the forum, but, as I said and as you've all said, if he doesn't think he has a problem, there's no real point. Ugh. I'm so fearful. I just hope this will wind up being rock bottom for him.

nez

My heart goes out to you. My bottom happened when I stopped digging. Up to that point my loved ones were unable to help, no matter how hard they tried.

Early in my recovery I grew concerned about one of my son's drinking. I will never know for sure, but I like to think the before and after views he had of this alcoholic helped him to figure it out for himself because his drinking is no longer a concern.

Love him, that is all you can do and the best thing you can do.

Eauchiche

Dear Alice
I sense a lot of guilt that your son is drinking.
Perhaps it would be helpful to view yourself and your son as products of an addictive family system. You escaped. He has not.
As we always say, YOU didn't cause this.....

tomsteve

he doesnt have a problem with his drinking- you do.

on this:
I don't think I could handle going to Alanon meetings. I would feel too miserable and hypocritical knowing that I was one of those who caused pain to others through my drinking.

do you approve of your behavior when you were drinking? are you that person today?
the title of the thread has Double, triple, quadruple winner,
in it. theres a few alcoholics in recovery in al anon and on this site,too- double winners.

Sasha1972

For what it's worth, the Al Anon group I attend has several members who are also alcoholics in recovery. So I wouldn't worry about feeling out of place. The preamble to our meetings even has a statement to the effect that "many members are part of other recovery fellowships; while you are in Al Anon please focus on the Al Anon program" (can't remember exact words). So it's pretty common.

NYCDoglvr

It only matters if he thinks he has a problem. Denial and rationalization are normal state of alcoholics and addicts, There's just nothing you can do or say that will affect his drinking. Alanon can be a huge help.

hopeful4

These things are going to cost him dearly monetarily as well. Those bracelets are not cheap, he will have to pay monthly.

My suggestion is not to bail him out. Make him pay every cent. I know someone with one of these bracelets. It makes her so mad, but it has truly changed her behavior. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.

I am so happy for you. Please keep your own sobriety at the forefront, that is so important.

I am glad you are here.