desertsong

So I've been a member of this forum for awhile, Posted consistently and not-so-consistently. But what HAS been consistent is the support from this forum, so here I am again.

I won't bore you with too many details, but long story short ...

I got divorced from my cheating husband 5 years ago. Between us, we have two boys - one is 23, our other one is 20 and severely autistic. Lots of challenges with him, not the least of which is the fact that his father has not had much to do with him throughout his life, but it's been worse since our divorce in 2014.

When we separated, I went on numerous benders and ended up attracting the attention of DFS because of my neglect of my special needs son. Was required to go to rehab and then to outpatient treatment, which I completed successfully and stayed sober for over a year.

After I completed treatment, it wasn't long before I started drinking again. Treatment taught me a lot but didn't resolve my situation. I had sole responsibility for my special child with only financial help from my ex, but no practical help. He's never been very interested in being with our boy and his condition stresses him out. He has not and never will be able to be a real father to his boy.

Fast forward to late 2014, when my job transferred me to a new city where I knew no one. No support, no friends, no idea who could care for my child while I worked. Eventually I got that sorted, but being in a new place where my only life consisted of work and my child, things went into the toilet.

Fast forward again to the present ... my ex remarried and his new wife is only 3 years older than our oldest child (he's 58, she's 28), he just had a new baby (while I struggle to care for our youngest and all his issues), and three months ago, I got fired from my job. They were kind enough to give me a generous severance package that will pay me my regular salary through the end of June, but now I not only have to continue to care for my special boy alone (he just had surgery on a shoulder he kept dislocating due to seizures) but now I have my oldest living with me as well because he is trying to get his life together and figure out his future.

Not gonna lie - life sucks right now. My kiddo has finally recovered from surgery so it's time for me to look for a new job but at my age (57), I am not optimistic. My last job I had for 5 years and it was the first job I'd had in 20 years after taking time off to raise my boys. Now I'm having to put myself back in the job market at this age and while I have more experience than anyone who would compete with me, the fact that I have a special needs child often puts potential employers off. I have 3 months before my severance runs out but I'm already panicking. And drinking. Again. Not like before, but it could go that way.

I think my biggest problem is resentments. I learned that in AA. I resent my ex for cheating on me and abandoning his family. And continuing to abandon his youngest son, I resent my boss for letting me go without cause. I resent, resent, RESENT, It's eating me alive.

I don't drink like I used to (I guess that's at least something positive - I used to drink around the clock but now it's maybe 3 times a week ,.. yeah, not good and not excusable, but ... yeah) ...

I don't even know where I'm going with this, but I know that you do. I know where I am going to end up if I don't fix this now. I have to get a new job, I have to support my boys, I gotta pay my bills after my severance expires ... I never thought I would be in this position at my age at this time of my life.

So I leave this with you and appreciate your input. And yes, I've done AA and more but can't even leave my house at this point. I would appreciate creativity. Love you and thank you. As always,

lessgravity

You have much on your plate DS. I don't hold anything against you in terms of how you feel. But to go back and read your posts is to see that you already know what the answers are. Question is only are you willing to do the work to out down the poison forever? Either way, welcome back. I hope you finally give up drinking for good.


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desertsong

That definitely is the question ... the other question is why I'm finding it so hard to do that this time.

tomsteve

I think my biggest problem is resentments. I learned that in AA.
And yes, I've done AA and more but can't even leave my house at this point.

glad ya mane it back,DS. seems something from the program sunk in-awesome! however, did you do what the program suggests we do with those resentments?

it isnt necessary to leave the house to DO AA. meetings arent the program and going to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism. its the steps that does that.
it can be possible to find online meetings,too. plus theres a LOT of really good speakers to listen to.this was one i was listening to the other day:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysTXGXJ-pPE

on this:
the other question is why I'm finding it so hard to do that this time.
could be the progression of alcoholism
do you WANT to stop drinking FOR GOOD??

Anna

Hi DS,

I'm glad you're back.

You do have a lot going on and you're looking for creative solutions. I have found that books can show me the way. 'Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life' by Wayne Dyer is awesome. Have you tried keeping a Gratitude Journal. Write down 3 things each day that you are grateful for. This can be life-changing.

entropy1964

Oh boy. You have a lot for sure. As I sit here, in my parents home, both with severe dementia, believe me, I have empathy. Care giving is a brutal job. I'm drowning and I've only been here a week.

I hope your sons father provides financially at least. I'm not sure what the laws are for adult special needs children tho. Can you get professional help to help care for him?

Well the facts are, and you know this, that drinking will make everything worse. And its costly....on all levels. I think you know what you need to do. And you can.

Dee74

Welcome back DS

I think you could do worse than plug yourself in here again. Support really is a game changer.

I know I asked this back in the day but do you have any parental support groups or help with your son?

I think thats important.

Good luck with the job too - you may be 57 and you may have a special needs son but I'm sure you have a lot to offer too

D

Hevyn

I'm so glad you posted to talk about what happened, DS. I'm sorry for the painful time you've been going through. I really hope you'll keep talking to us - we're with you.

AnvilheadII

it seems that sobriety is the best choice for you and your dependent son. drinking is a barrier that prevents you from being fully present. i wish the best for you and your son, he needs you, YOU need you.

Numblady

I wish I could go wherever you are and give you a huge hug. I just want to say I don’t blame you for feeling resentful and bummed and angry. I thought a lot about your post and that’s the main thing I came up with. Of course, it doesn’t really get you anywhere so you’re kind of stuck with either climbing out of it as much as you can by looking for new employment, looking for adult care if available in your area, etc. Or sitting in it. Which again may not help you feel any better. I will say for whatever this may be worth that as someone who hires people I would value the kind of experience and patience you have to have caring for your son. Maybe it turns some of them off but after supervising a lot of young folks with no children who are really into self care I’m just going to say there’s probably a hiring manager out there who will appreciate some real world experience. Maybe instead of assuming they will hold it against you portray it as the strength that it is. There are not a lot of people who could care almost singlehandedly (or singlehandedly from the sound of it) a severely autistic child. I hope you can look for an online support group with other parents, along with maybe some online AA meetings. As a mother, my heart goes out to you. You have a lot to deal with but as we’ve all learned through whatever circumstances brought us here, and as many have mentioned, alcohol is pretty lame when it comes to helping us out with our circumstances. I hope you keep coming back here. I hope you identify what you need in all this and seek that out. I am completely rooting for you. Hugs.

least

You have a lot of challenges. I too hope you can find some help in dealing with your son.

Lean on us, we're here to support you.

desertsong

Thank you, family. All of the responses I expected and yet hoped for as well. I know what the truth is ... just finding it hard to find my way back. Some days it is easier to cave to what brings me instant relief instead of what I know will make my life better, no matter how difficult. That's the seduction of alcohol ... "Come to me and I'll give you relief." I've bought into that for a lot of months even though I knew/know it was was a lie.

I also spoke with my mom today - yet another trigger. She is 87 and losing her grip on reality, which is a new development. She's been my rock for my entire life but she has been less "in touch" with reality for the past year. For example ... she sent my boys some checks for Christmas gifts, but didn't spell their names correctly and dated the checks "1900" instead of the 2000's. I saw this happen with her own mother some years ago. Mom also struggled with alcoholism and though she is sober know (I think), it is clear that the booze destroyed a number of brain cells. It is heartbreaking and is becoming clearer to me that I am going to lose her soon. Sooner than I feel capable of dealing with.

One thing I know - I am better than this. I got a glimpse into the "sober me" a few years ago and got to see who I truly am and what I can be without alcohol. It's just baffling to me that I would allow myself to be overcome by this again. But I refuse to give up hope for a better life. I'm grateful every day that I am better than I used to be, but sad that I have not yet been able to grasp my full potential. As long as there is breath in my body, I know that I will and can do better. Thank you for reminding me of that. And for still being here for me. You are the only folks who truly "get it."

Flower2327

Sending love and support to you and your family, ds. You've been through the wringer, but you're taking care of your sons, you're looking to get back on track - those are things to be immensely proud of, and to build on! You've obviously done some work on this and know what the answer is. I think we all know far too well that the gulf between knowing the path and taking it can be wide, but I hope you'll get there. You CAN do it, and we're all rooting for you.

kinzoku

I am glad you are here with us desertsong

lessgravity

You posted similar sentiments almost four years ago on a thread with the exact same title. What is going to be different this time?

desertsong

See, there you go. You get me. Yes, you are correct. I ask myself the same thing every single day. I have no answer other than the obvious, but you have me by the b***s and that's what I need. Thank you for calling the attention to the obvious. Right now, I don't need a soft touch. Thank you. This is what I need.

lessgravity

I hope you're being serious and I also don't want to offend. But the cyclical nature of this beast is something else. What can you do differently this time finally?

desertsong

Oh boy. You hit me there. I have no answer.

listae

You are truly dealing with a lot. I lost my job because of drinking and am nearing fifty without any employment. I am no one to lecture anyone but I know that if I'm drinking then it is going to be one hundred times harder to make ends meet.

bexxed

I remember you, desertsong. Hi!

It’s different for everyone but what I did differently (after the first bit where I just got through those awful few days) was practice gratitude (yeah, practice it, like a religion lol) and basically move in to this site. I needed to be more humble than I was during my failed attempts. I joined the class and posted all the time. I read more than I posted. I let things drop around me and made sobriety the most important thing because without it I would definitely not have a prayers chance in hell of addressing any other important thing. And I still do all that (modified a little) and more, to stay this way 2 1/2 years later.

Glad to see you and sorry for what’s going on. I think you can do this.

-b