Why can't I trust my gut?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Why can't I trust my gut?
My husband quit drinking almost 2 years ago now, but had one relapse (that I know of) a couple months after he quit drinking.
I had the suspicion that he was doing drugs maybe 6 months after he quit drinking. I thought maybe cocaine? Turns out he had a prescription to adderall (as well as xanax) that I didn't know about. So I guess my gut was right on my suspicions then.
He moved out shortly after I found those pills--almost exactly a year ago--so my distance from him has grown. We don't speak much anymore except about our son. He tries to imitate other communication with me but I don't really respond. I'm just done. So I've grown to look at him more through a detached-mindset than one that is so intertwined with him.
I still think he's on something--but I don't know what. There is this part of my brain that wont. let. it. go. It isn't impacting my daily life or anything, but I wish I could just "trust my gut" and get over it. Why can't I? I am an engineer and I solve problems and find answers for a living, and I'm good at it, and I think this is nagging at that part of my psyche.
I've had a variety of "evidence" but nothing concrete enough to prove it to myself. He got a package in the mail last summer that looked odd to me, so I googled the address and it was a company that mainly sells Kratom. I confronted him about it and he said he just git some herbal supplements (and sent me a photo) and said he hadn't heard of Kratom before and how dare I suggest that. But I felt loose capsules in the bag and he didn't send me a picture of any loose capsules.
I was using the bathroom in his apartment once and there were empty pill blister packs in the trash can. I picked them up and all the writing was in Russian. After googling, it turned out to be a similar drug to xanax but very strong. I asked him about them, he said they were from his bachelor party (4 years ago) in a coat pocket, and he happened to be cleaning the coat out. I kind of rolled my eyes at that excuse, but I mean, it could be possible.
We were on our boat with our son last summer at a family reunion and there were large pink capsules sitting on the drivers seat. Must have fallen out of his pocket. I asked him what they were (I was afraid our son would pick them up) and he said they were turmeric pills for his back pain. I am embarrassed to admit how long I spent googling to see if there are any pink tumeric pills--there aren't. Why would there be? They're all orange. He said he'd show me the container but he never did.
When talking to a therapist about our divorce, I mentioned that I wanted to have the ability to drug test him if I thought something was off. The problem is--all the things I've described above are legal, prescribed to him, or wouldn't show up on a drug test. He isn't stupid. I mean he's probably doing the fake marijuana too if he's doing all that stuff. Again--won't show up on a drug test.
He never seems high enough to be obvious. I feel like I'm the only person who notices that he seems different. That is crazy-making as well. Is he really high when he's alone? Would he be okay to watch our son overnight? Does he take adderall all day then sleeping pills at night? How in the world would I ever know...? (He doesn't really have any overnights with him now) I have nothing to go on with a judge or anything--I mean our marriage counselor even thought I was being a bit dramatic about the whole thing. (His therapist, however, said I had every right to ask for drug/alcohol testing, and convinced my husband that he should agree to it)
I almost just wish he'd relapse hard so it would be obvious that something is wrong with him. All I have now is my gut--with no validation from any other source. He has never gone to a 12 step meeting or rehab (he went to detox for 5 days but I guess that isn't the same) and he saw a therapist who specialized in addiction for a year or so... but hasn't seen him in months. He made quitting seem like it was easy for him. But maybe he never really stopped--just got a lot better at hiding it from everyone.
I had the suspicion that he was doing drugs maybe 6 months after he quit drinking. I thought maybe cocaine? Turns out he had a prescription to adderall (as well as xanax) that I didn't know about. So I guess my gut was right on my suspicions then.
He moved out shortly after I found those pills--almost exactly a year ago--so my distance from him has grown. We don't speak much anymore except about our son. He tries to imitate other communication with me but I don't really respond. I'm just done. So I've grown to look at him more through a detached-mindset than one that is so intertwined with him.
I still think he's on something--but I don't know what. There is this part of my brain that wont. let. it. go. It isn't impacting my daily life or anything, but I wish I could just "trust my gut" and get over it. Why can't I? I am an engineer and I solve problems and find answers for a living, and I'm good at it, and I think this is nagging at that part of my psyche.
I've had a variety of "evidence" but nothing concrete enough to prove it to myself. He got a package in the mail last summer that looked odd to me, so I googled the address and it was a company that mainly sells Kratom. I confronted him about it and he said he just git some herbal supplements (and sent me a photo) and said he hadn't heard of Kratom before and how dare I suggest that. But I felt loose capsules in the bag and he didn't send me a picture of any loose capsules.
I was using the bathroom in his apartment once and there were empty pill blister packs in the trash can. I picked them up and all the writing was in Russian. After googling, it turned out to be a similar drug to xanax but very strong. I asked him about them, he said they were from his bachelor party (4 years ago) in a coat pocket, and he happened to be cleaning the coat out. I kind of rolled my eyes at that excuse, but I mean, it could be possible.
We were on our boat with our son last summer at a family reunion and there were large pink capsules sitting on the drivers seat. Must have fallen out of his pocket. I asked him what they were (I was afraid our son would pick them up) and he said they were turmeric pills for his back pain. I am embarrassed to admit how long I spent googling to see if there are any pink tumeric pills--there aren't. Why would there be? They're all orange. He said he'd show me the container but he never did.
When talking to a therapist about our divorce, I mentioned that I wanted to have the ability to drug test him if I thought something was off. The problem is--all the things I've described above are legal, prescribed to him, or wouldn't show up on a drug test. He isn't stupid. I mean he's probably doing the fake marijuana too if he's doing all that stuff. Again--won't show up on a drug test.
He never seems high enough to be obvious. I feel like I'm the only person who notices that he seems different. That is crazy-making as well. Is he really high when he's alone? Would he be okay to watch our son overnight? Does he take adderall all day then sleeping pills at night? How in the world would I ever know...? (He doesn't really have any overnights with him now) I have nothing to go on with a judge or anything--I mean our marriage counselor even thought I was being a bit dramatic about the whole thing. (His therapist, however, said I had every right to ask for drug/alcohol testing, and convinced my husband that he should agree to it)
I almost just wish he'd relapse hard so it would be obvious that something is wrong with him. All I have now is my gut--with no validation from any other source. He has never gone to a 12 step meeting or rehab (he went to detox for 5 days but I guess that isn't the same) and he saw a therapist who specialized in addiction for a year or so... but hasn't seen him in months. He made quitting seem like it was easy for him. But maybe he never really stopped--just got a lot better at hiding it from everyone.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Maybe you are the type of person that needs solid proof? Could just be a personality thing (not a bad thing, just a thing!).
Based on the instances you have encountered, if it were me, I would be 100 percent confident he is using. That proof would be enough for me for sure.
No one has these casual instances with all kinds of kooky drugs - arriving by mail, blister packets with Russian writing, etc, just doesn't happen in a normal day.
When is the last time you ordered loose capsules that came in the mail?
Based on the instances you have encountered, if it were me, I would be 100 percent confident he is using. That proof would be enough for me for sure.
No one has these casual instances with all kinds of kooky drugs - arriving by mail, blister packets with Russian writing, etc, just doesn't happen in a normal day.
When is the last time you ordered loose capsules that came in the mail?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by AutumnMama 
...I mentioned that I wanted to have the ability to drug test him if I thought something was off..... Would he be okay to watch our son overnight? Does he take adderall all day then sleeping pills at night? How in the world would I ever know...? (He doesn't really have any overnights with him now)
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think we have to look at our own motives....that can sometimes be uncomfortable.
are you concerns primarily for your son's SAFETY?
are you just wanting to be right?
you mentioned wishing he would relapse big time.....think about that statement and the years you prayed for just the opposite.
we cannot control our partners when they live with us, and we most certainly cannot dictate how others choose to conduct their lives when we are divorced/separated.
the one caveat is if the safety of small children is at risk.
nobody finds an EMPTY blister pack of russian black market drugs in their coat pocket four years later and then throws it away. he is definitely exploring the world of online drugs.....which is really stupid and really dangerous. but again not something you can control.
are you concerns primarily for your son's SAFETY?
are you just wanting to be right?
you mentioned wishing he would relapse big time.....think about that statement and the years you prayed for just the opposite.
we cannot control our partners when they live with us, and we most certainly cannot dictate how others choose to conduct their lives when we are divorced/separated.
the one caveat is if the safety of small children is at risk.
nobody finds an EMPTY blister pack of russian black market drugs in their coat pocket four years later and then throws it away. he is definitely exploring the world of online drugs.....which is really stupid and really dangerous. but again not something you can control.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I can feel your frustration so clearly in your post, and my heart goes out to you.
But other than making sure your son is safe when with your ex, what your ex is doing or trying or not is not something you should let yourself stress over. You can't change it, and confirming it will just be redundant. You know what you know. You don't need absolute proof to know what you know. Give yourself back all the time you spend trying to prove it to yourself. You already know, and that's that.
But other than making sure your son is safe when with your ex, what your ex is doing or trying or not is not something you should let yourself stress over. You can't change it, and confirming it will just be redundant. You know what you know. You don't need absolute proof to know what you know. Give yourself back all the time you spend trying to prove it to yourself. You already know, and that's that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i think we have to look at our own motives....that can sometimes be uncomfortable.
are you concerns primarily for your son's SAFETY?
are you just wanting to be right?
you mentioned wishing he would relapse big time.....think about that statement and the years you prayed for just the opposite.
we cannot control our partners when they live with us, and we most certainly cannot dictate how others choose to conduct their lives when we are divorced/separated.
the one caveat is if the safety of small children is at risk.
nobody finds an EMPTY blister pack of russian black market drugs in their coat pocket four years later and then throws it away. he is definitely exploring the world of online drugs.....which is really stupid and really dangerous. but again not something you can control.
are you concerns primarily for your son's SAFETY?
are you just wanting to be right?
you mentioned wishing he would relapse big time.....think about that statement and the years you prayed for just the opposite.
we cannot control our partners when they live with us, and we most certainly cannot dictate how others choose to conduct their lives when we are divorced/separated.
the one caveat is if the safety of small children is at risk.
nobody finds an EMPTY blister pack of russian black market drugs in their coat pocket four years later and then throws it away. he is definitely exploring the world of online drugs.....which is really stupid and really dangerous. but again not something you can control.
I guess I am wavering on whether or not I SHOULD be concerned about my son's safety. My son is 3 and loves to spend time with his father. But he only sees him for half an hour on the weekdays and maybe a couple hours on a weekend. My husband is currently living with his parents (in an apt over their garage) so I have the comfort of knowing his mother is around whenever my husband is watching him.
And while his behavior on a grand scale is somewhat erratic--e.g. today he wants a divorce, tomorrow he doesn't.. today he reminds me of the "old" person I knew, tomorrow he is a stranger... on the short term it isn't erratic enough to raise alarm bells that my son is in danger.
I voiced my concern to him that he would accidentally leave pills out and my son would find one and eat it. You can imagine how that went over--but right now, I think that is my biggest concern. That and the possibility that he takes sleeping pills at night and wouldn't be able to wake up if my son needed something. Both are things I have no control over or no way to monitor, really.
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